A/N: I'm sure a few of you wanted it, and if not, too bad. :)

Here we go…A parody of Paper Mario: The Thousand-Year Door and the sequel to Paper Mario: Raw and Uncut! Sit back and enjoy, everyone.

Also, whenever "spicy hot sauerkraut" is used in the author comments, it means "I do not own anything in this fic whatsoever; everything is copyrighted to their respective owners." Spicy hot sauerkraut!

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I AM THE ALMIGHTY PERSON proudly presents…

An I AM THE ALMIGHTY PERSON production…

PAPER MARIO TTYD: RAW AND UNCUT!!

Introduction

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Some place not worth describing right now

An old man wearing a dirty, patched cloak of various colors was watching some nice, quality television as the curtain opened up and our idiotic parody began…

Several gunshot noises, explosions, and screams of horror could be heard from the TV, and a voice on whatever show the man was watching cried out shrilly, "EEEEK! OH, THE BURNING PAIN! THEEEE PAAAAAAAIN!!"

"Yeah, baby!" cheered the old man, pumping his fist triumphantly into the air. "Way to blow those ungrateful murderous bastards out of commission, Arnold!" The man then noticed the audience looking impatiently at him, and nervously turned the TV off, walking towards the stage.

"Mmm…Right then," mumbled the man. "Well, now that my telly break is over, we may as well start the story…CHARLES! Get me……the book!"

The old man's young and frail associate, Charles the Toad, gasped and said, "The book?"

"Yes," said the old man firmly.

"You mean…Green Eggs and Ham?" said Charles in fear.

"Ugh, no, not that one," snapped the old man.

"The Holy Bible?"

"No!"

"Bambi?"

"NO!"

"100 Positions for 100 Nights?"

"NO, CHARLES! CURSE YOU, BOY!" shrieked the old man. Out of nowhere, a thick, ragged old book fell out of the man's cloak. He stared uncertainly at it for a while, then said, "…Oh. Of course, heh heh, I had it with me the whole time…uh…heh…Sorry, Charles…OKAY! Let's begin!

"It all began a very long time ago. Around a millennium, I'd say. A young, thriving town that had been recently built in the middle of a very dangerous ocean was looking good. Good enough to last over a thousand years, in fact. Then, oh, whaddya know, a tragedy hit the whole place one day. No, I'm not talking about the time when one of Paris Cheepton's ancestors moved to the town, heh heh! I'm talking about something much, much worse than even that…

"You see, the tragedy was essentially the same old clichéd catastrophe crap. Yeah, you know, stuff like floods, thunderstorms, the spirit of an ancient demon terrorizing the town, tornados sucking up several houses and cows in the blink of an eye; same old, same old. After only a single night of this crazy shit, the entire city sank into the ocean's depths. And from that day on, it was called…Atlantis. Oh, wait, what am I saying?...Anyway, the legend of the town had been passed down through generations and generations after it sunk out of existence, and eventually, several other citizens of the kingdom in which the town was located decided, 'Oh, to heck with it. We're absolutely tired of our in-laws, so we'll build a brand-new town on the ruins of this destroyed town and live here peacefully, even though this area is most likely cursed from the cataclysm it suffered. Meh, like we're really smart enough to do anything about it.'

"…And it wasn't long before some midget in a cloak and a blue-and-white witch hat began spreading rumors all across town that…that…that the town governor was cheating on his spouse! Well, that rumor turned out to be true eventually, but what's really interesting is that the midget also spread rumors of an ancient city hidden underneath the town that housed a really freaking huge and over-decorated door which contained a magnificent thousand-year-old treasure…And that's where our story begins, many years later…During the time of the Mario Bros., in the Mushroom Kingdom, in the very same town, known as…Rogueport…"

Some really weird thing happened where the picture on the page of the book the man was reading from came to life, and the story continued on from there.

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Rogueport

Princess Peach, heiress to the throne of the Mushroom Kingdom, had been pacing indecisively in a line in front of the entrance to Rogueport's central plaza, wondering what on earth she could do at the moment.

"Well, I'm glad that Toadsworth left me alone for a while…" Peach said, sighing. "He's so overprotective, even when he clearly doesn't need to be…I mean, he always tries to give me the Heimlich maneuver at the dinner table, even when I'm not choking on food! Oh, my silly old caretaker…"

"Hey, uh, you! Yeah, you, pretty-looking blonde princess wearing a pink dress who looks like the type that would frequently be kidnapped by an overgrown turtle! Over here!" yelled a hunchbacked merchant wearing a brown cloak covering her entire body with a rug full of artifacts lying before her.

"Pretty blonde princess wearing a pink dress who looks like the type that would frequently be kidnapped by an overgrown turtle!?! WHERE!?" cried Peach, looking around furiously.

The merchant slapped her forehead.

"Oh…You mean me, right?" said Peach, turning to the merchant and pointing to herself.

"…What do you think, you stupid brat?..." muttered the merchant. "Uh, well, I'd like to sell you some stuff, princess…"

"No!" said Peach. "Forget it! You're probably some fiendish Insurance Salesman Goomba in disguise!"

"Um…No, I'm not!" said the cloaked merchant. "Trust me, you can buy anything you want from me! Uh…I need the money, like, REAL bad, you know what I mean?"

Peach chuckled. "I know, I know," she said, smiling. "You want a load of money to blow off on a lifetime supply of booze and a Swiss burlesque house, right?"

"Um…okay, sure…" muttered the merchant.

"Right then. I'll gladly buy something!" said Peach. "Let's see here…" The young princess scanned everything on the rug with her eyes, looking for the right thing to buy. "Ooooooh!" she suddenly cried, fixing her eyes on a certain item. "A first-edition Queen vinyl record!! YAAAAAAAY! I've been looking for this everywhere to complete my collection! I'LL TAKE IT!!" She shelled out 250 coins to buy the famous British rock band's limited-edition record, but the merchant looked less than pleased.

"Uh…well, I wasn't expecting you to buy that, that's for sure…" said the merchant nervously. "Well, can I also interest you in…THIS?" The merchant dramatically took out a small box from her pocket and shoved it in front of Peach's eyes.

"Oh…A box! Boxes are so adorable! SQUEEEEEEEE!" squealed Peach, joyfully picking up the box.

"Um…Care to look inside the box, you dumb girl?" snarled the merchant.

"Hmm?" said Peach.

"Nothing," said the merchant quickly.

Peach tried opening the box, but it wouldn't budge.

"Open up right now, box!" Peach said to the box. The merchant just looked at the princess, dumbfounded.

"Uh…Oh, right, I almost forgot!" said the merchant. "According to legend, this box holds a great treasure map that leads to a mythical…well, treasure! However, the box only opens when opened by the pure of heart, so…"

"Screw it, I'm sure my heart's pure enough," said Peach quickly. She opened the box a second time, this time with ease, and a flash of thick white light filled the screen and the whole town.

"DAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAMN!" yelled the princess as the scene faded out to a new location. "THAT'S ONE BRIGHT LIGHT BULB!"

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The Mario House

It was a quiet, peaceful Tuesday morning over at the residence of the Mario Bros. The sun was shining, there wasn't a single cloud in the sky, the birds were chirping in the trees, the neighbors were polishing their shotguns and getting ready to have some fresh eggs for breakfast, and a middle-aged Paratroopa wearing a pilot's helmet with goggles flew down to the Mario mailbox, holding a single pink letter. The Paratroopa mailman stuffed the letter inside.

"Hey there, Parakarry, old pal!" said Mario unexpectedly as he walked out the front door and clapped his old friend on the back. Parakarry squealed with fright.

"Mario, don't do that!" he yelled at the fat plumber. "You know I'm really high-strung most of the time."

"Yeah, yeah, I know," said Mario. "So, I've been wondering lately…How's life been treating you and Sushie ever since we got the Star Rod back three years ago?"

"Our lives have been going great!" exclaimed Parakarry. "Well, other than the fact that everywhere we move to suddenly becomes a setting for this…adventure, that is."

"Yeah, that does sorta suck," agreed Mario. "So, uh, why didn't you say your trademark 'COCK-A-DOODLE-DOOOOOO!' this morning?"

"Well, ever since your brother started taking yoga classes and learned to contain his anger whenever I said that, I figured that it just wasn't worth it anymore," said Parakarry in a discontent manner. "Now, I just stick to the good old 'Mail call!'"

"Alright then…" said Mario.

"By the way…" Parakarry added. "MAAAAAAAAIL CAAAAAAAAAAALL!!!" the Paratroopa suddenly shrieked. Mario jumped a foot in the air, and Luigi came outside immediately, running right through the front door and making a Luigi-shaped hole in it. The younger Mario brother was still half-asleep and in his bunny pajamas, looking wildly around.

"WHERE'S THE FIRE?! WHERE'S THE FIRE?!" cried Luigi.

"Hahahahaha, there's no fire, Luigi!" said Mario, laughing and patting his brother on the back. "Good old Parakarry just startled you a little by yelling out a new phrase this morning!"

Luigi looked at the Paratroopa murderously, then uttered his famous Luigi-Indian war cry, lunging out at Parakarry as the hapless mailman frantically flew away, leaving tons of feathers flying through the air.

"I'll get him one of these days…" vowed Luigi, huffing and tearing open the letter in the mailbox. "Mario, you've got a letter from Peach."

"How do you know? You got ESP or something else that I should know about?!" Mario asked his brother in suspicion.

Luigi rolled his eyes. "If the envelope is pink and scented with perfume, it's obviously from Peach to you."

"How do you know it's not some cleverly disguised letter bomb sent to us by Elton Goomba?" said Mario, raising an eyebrow.

"Well, I hope it's not…" muttered Luigi. "Elton wasn't too happy at all when we crashed his birthday party a couple weeks ago…"

"And he swore revenge on us if it was the last thing he did, and blah blah blah blah BLAH!" Mario said quickly. "Fine, I suppose I'll see what's in there…But don't say I didn't warn you when we wind up in the emergency room!" The older brother grabbed the envelope and pulled out only a postcard. The postcard had a design of Peach grabbing the bars of a locked cage over a fire pit being controlled by Bowser, and the words "Wish you were here!" were large and visible on the front as well.

"Figures," Mario muttered. He read the back of the card:

Dearest Mario,

It's great to be writing to you again! Listen up…This past week, I've been traveling across the entire Mushroom Kingdom with Toadsworth, and getting wasted at several awesome concerts along the way. Have you ever seen The Flaming Goombas live? They kick SO MUCH ASS, DUDE! Back to the subject—During my travels, I came to a crappy little town in the middle of the sea known as Rugcork, or Rockpork, or something like that. While there, I met a cloaked merchant whom I bought a limited-edition Queen record and an adorable little box from! In the box was an amazing map that possibly leads to…An amazing treasure!! Let's go on a treasure hunt, Mario! See you at Rogueport! SQUUUEEEEEEEEEE!!!

Sincerely,

Princess Peach

"'SQUUUEEEEEEEEE!!!'?" said Luigi uncertainly.

"Don't ask me, Peach is a really weird woman…" mumbled Mario. "Well, I suppose I'm off on another exhilarating adventure, but this time without the threat of Bowser."

"Oh, please, let me go with you!" pleaded Luigi. "I never get to go on adventures with you anymore!"

"Absolutely not, Luigi!" said Mario firmly. "You know the number-one rule of Mario RPGs: Luigi can NEVER, EVER travel with me, no matter what the circumstance!"

"But in Mario & Luigi—" Luigi began.

"I don't care what happened in Mario & Luigi! That stuff is behind us!" yelled Mario.

Luigi heavily sighed. "Well, good luck on your treasure hunt, I guess."

"Good luck to you too," Mario said quickly. Luigi just sat around and looked depressed for a little bit while our favorite overweight Italian plumber hero dashed over to the pipe leading to Toad Town, got to the docks, and asked for an admission ticket to ride a boat to Rogueport.

After Mario paid the fee, the Toad operating the boat asked him, "Okay, what's your name again?"

"Mario Mario," said Mario proudly.

"Wait…You have the same first and last name? Are you sure I'm not getting 'Punk'd!' right now?"

Mario grumbled, "Yes, I'm very sure. Just gimme the damn ticket."

The operator shrugged, gave the boat admission ticket to Mario, and revved up the engines as Mario set out for a brand-new adventure!

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A/N: The introduction is now undeniably finished! Just what kind of treasure is Peach referring to? Is some other evil force involved in this? Will Luigi ever go on another adventure? Will Elton Goomba get his revenge?! Eh, beats me. Stay tuned for the prologue, which may be completed and added today or sometime on the weekend. :D