Welcome, one and all, to my pride and joy. I have slaved over it for endless hours, and finally, I've decided that the first part is good enough to reveal to the public. I had originally planned not to post it until it was finished, but I figured I'd kept everyone waiting long enough. Unfortunately, as the second part still needs revising and the third has yet to be written, updates will be slow, so I ask that you bear with me.
If you haven't already noticed, Tea for Two is a parody of epic proportions. Having been in the Kingdom Hearts fandom for well over a year, I've grown increasingly frustrated with the number of Mary Sues that have appeared. With the release of the second game, that number only increased. Now, we were given a new place for Mary Sues to roam - even a new breed! Before the sane members of the fandom could blink, a dozen Mary Sue Nobodies had appeared, and suddenly, Organization XIII transformed into Organization XXV. Needless to say, this was shocking.
Oh, but it didn't stop there. Following the Mary Sues were a new sort of plague - fandom stereotypes. Right in front of us, Axel changed from his snarky, bastardly self to a whimpering puppy that trailed after Roxas. Saïx became a crazed werewolf rapist. And poor Lexaeus, dear Lexaeus suddenly lost all sense of intelligence about him. Of course, these few stereotypes are just the beginning, and they only grow worse as you progress.
Flabbergasted by this drastic amount of OOCness and Mary Sues, I was pushed into action by a sweet little plot bunny. I decided that I had to write a parody.
The result of that plot bunny is what you see before you. I have devoted a great portion of my time to it in order to attempt at mixing humor, drama, and good ol' action (which you may not see all of in this first part). I've written it to the best of my ability, and I profusely apologize if any of the characters seem OOC or the story in general is not to your liking. I, personally, adore it, but then again, authors are never good judges of their own work when they're so thoroughly enamored with it.
I will reiterate once more that this is a parody for those of you that plan to take offense from it. All of the aspects of this story are very general and are taken from the fandom as a whole. There are a multitude of pairings, some of which are common, and others that you may have never thought of before. Finally, please keep in mind that the story has a mature rating due to inappropriate humor, language, sexual content, and downright bloodiness later on.
I apologize for the lengthy introduction, but I feel that it was necessary. If you don't agree, tell me, but I can't promise that I'll listen. On that note, every review is appreciated and will be cherished immensely. Even if you just skim it over, drop me a line. I'd love to hear from you!
And now, without further delay, I present Tea for Two, a Mary Sue parody! Please enjoy!
Dedicated to my beloved Kiira.
Special thanks to the khfanficrants community on LiveJournal for helping me with many, many aspects of this story.
Tea for Two: Part One
by The Eleventh End
"Superior, I'm concerned about your plan of action."
The Altar of Naught was, as always, bathed in the light of Kingdom Hearts, the moon hanging above it and almost within reach. Though it was only half-completed, the rays were soothing, but at the same time, there was an inner menace in them, evil leaking past that alluring façade. But the Altar didn't care, and neither did the steps leading back down into the castle.
The two Nobodies standing atop the Altar didn't care, either. They hadn't spoken since coming up here an hour ago, having done other things to entertain themselves. They were now simply standing next to each other, maybe a little bit closer than the head of Organization XIII was supposed to stand to his second-in-command.
As such, the statement startled the taller of the two, orange-colored eyes flicking over to look at his companion. Locks of silver hair fell down to his shoulders, framing a tan face and those alluring eyes. His voice was deep, and it held the same mystic quality, but it was backed by an authoritative tone. "Which plan? Using the Keyblade Master to retrieve hearts, or the addition of Number XIV?"
The other Nobody spared him a short glance before his gaze returned to the moon, yellow irises reflecting the heart-shaped abomination. His arms were crossed over his leather coat, identical to what the other members wore. (Required to wear; it was their uniform, after all.) He reached up briefly to brush a strand of his sky-colored hair out of his eyes, revealing the X-shaped scar running across the bridge of his nose.
"The girl."
The Superior blinked, momentary confusion being replaced by an uncommon awkwardness. "What about her?"
An exasperated growl escaped the slightly shorter man. "What are you thinking, Xemnas? Disregarding the fact that she'll get in the way, need I remind you that we are Organization XIII? Not fourteen, but thirteen."
Xemnas waved a hand. "A technicality, Saïx. Whether or not it spoils the name isn't relevant. Her... talent may prove to be useful."
Saïx raised a brow, glancing at the other Nobody again. "And what is this talent of hers?"
"I... haven't exactly figured that out yet."
Another sound of frustration left Number VII, one hand lifting to rub his forehead. The Superior inwardly winced, knowing that he wouldn't be able to avoid this part of the conversation, after all.
"What's the real reason?"
Xemnas swallowed audibly. "She, er... She has... pictures..."
"Pictures of what?" Saïx pressed, expression gradually becoming curious.
"...That... time."
"Which time?"
"Oh, you know, that time..."
Seeing that Saïx was still hopelessly confused, Xemnas leaned over to reach his elf-like ear, whispering into it softly. After a minute or two, he pulled back, features darkened with a blush of discomfort.
A look of remembrance flashing in Saïx's eyes, but it was quickly followed by a wicked one. "I still don't seem to recall... Why don't you show me exactly what happened?"
The Superior heaved a fake sigh in an attempt to hide his excitement, but nevertheless turned around and headed towards the stairs.
"I'll go find the chocolate sauce."
---
"I should never have been born..."
A lone figure made her way through the winding path of Naught's Skyway, head lowered and arms dangling limply at her sides. Wavy tresses of dark ebony hair trailed down her back, the front strands pulled back into a complicated bun. Eyes of the deepest green were focused on the floor beneath her, the color shimmering with unshed tears. Her melodic voice was dripping with misery, the sadness absolutely heart wrenching. She wore a beautiful, sleeveless gown of the finest turquoise silk, the fabric hugging every curve of her thin body until it flowed out at the waist, trailing behind her elegantly. A pendant of onyx dangled from her bare neck, shining with an inner light.
"Why me...? Why am I a curse to everyone I meet?"
The last word was punctuated by a trembling sob. She couldn't remember much of her past life, just that it had ended horribly. She had been the princess of a distant world, she knew that much... She had been out walking when she encountered one of them. A strange, jerking creature with yellow eyes that glowed like the moon.
She'd let them in.
They'd destroyed the world.
And now, here she was, walking through a castle that was most definitely not her own. It was too silent, and she realized that her heart was missing. She couldn't hear it beating, nor could she feel it beating.
"What have I become...?"
That man had called her a Nobody. She wasn't sure what it was, but it was something to call herself, at least.
He'd invited her to join a group of Nobodies, others that were like her. They were trying to regain their hearts, he had said, and they'd need all the help they could get. Being the kind person that she was, she had readily agreed.
"Oh, my God of Magical Unicorns, I don't even remember my name!"
But she did. Somewhere inside of her, she knew it.
'Texa. That's my new name--,'
A voice suddenly interrupted her thoughts, echoing through the otherwise silent path.
"You. You're the new Number XIV, right?"
She looked up, expecting to see a simple man, though obviously a rude one, but simple enough to be of no interest to her. She was, however, mistaken.
What she saw... was a god.
Hair like flames fell to his shoulders in messy spikes, pushed back to leave his face bare. Eyes greener than the most exquisite emerald were focused upon her, glinting as he looked her over carefully. His skin was pale; perhaps from lack of sunlight, perhaps naturally. But the tattoos, which sat under each eye, seemed to display an emotion that he could never achieve. Which none of them could. Sorrow, regret, and even self-hatred.
He was fire. He was the soul of the flames that scorched the planets in their eternal fury. He was fire that danced with Darkness, and the dark robes that covered his thin form were a symbol that he was a chained god, no longer free to do as he wished.
'...And OHMYGOD he's LOOKING AT ME!'
The god -- man -- let out a sound of annoyance, fingers tapping against the railing that he was leaning on. "Well? Are you?"
Texa squeaked but quickly regained her composure, bending forward and drawing up the ends of her gown in a mixture of a curtsey and a bow, intentionally giving the stranger a view full of cleavage. "Yes, I believe so. This is the location of Organization XIII, correct?" she purred, batting her luscious eyelashes at him.
The man was unfazed, waving a hand to beckon her as he turned around. "C'mon. The meeting's about to start," he muttered, already beginning to walk off.
Texa quickly scampered after him, squealing all the way.
---
The door to the meeting room opened with a bang, a downright irritated Axel storming through it a moment later. His left eye was twitching rapidly, hands curled into fists at his sides. Still, the girl behind him seemed to take no notice, continuing to blabber on about marriage.
"...And we'll be so happy together and we'll live in a beautiful castle and, and... We'll have eleven kids!"
Xemnas honestly hoped that she was talking about goats.
Axel stalked further into the room and took his seat between Saïx and Demyx, leaving the girl where she was. With a sigh, Xemnas brushed the blue-haired Nobody's hand off of his thigh before raising his voice so that he could be heard over the chatter.
"Demyx, Luxord, you can continue your card game another time. Vexen, I've told you before not to bring explosive chemicals to the meetings; I wish you would listen for once. Larxene, stop sticking needles into Marluxia's arm; save your kinks for the bedroom. Zexion, return to your seat; this isn't the place to cuddle with Lexaeus. Xaldin, you can read after the meeting. Xigbar, put your gun away -- yes, both of them! Axel, it would be in your best interest to stop poking Saïx unless you want him to decapitate you. And Roxas, you know that you're not allowed to brood and angst while we're having a meeting."
Number XIII let out a whine of protest, but he reluctantly straightened up from his slumped position. "But it's fun..."
Shaking his head, Xemnas waited for the others to comply to his orders. It took a few minutes, but eventually they were all sitting elegantly, expressions void of any emotion whatsoever as they all turned simultaneously to regard the newcomer.
"Welcome, Nobody."
It had taken months to perfect that one, of course, but they'd finally gotten it down. For one thing, Demyx was no longer turning to his right instead of left so that Axel would end up kissing him. Seeing as how that would always result in either a fight or a make-out session, it was a major improvement.
The girl looked taken aback for a second or two before she laughed. "...Thanks!"
Xemnas motioned for her to take a seat at the other end of the table. He hadn't intended for her to sit there, as it made her seem like she was his equal, but damn, he wanted it to be symmetrical.
She did as she was told, folding her rather nauseating dress under her. 'Darkness, we'd better get her a coat soon.' Exhaling deeply, Xemnas stood, hands held behind his back.
"I am Xemnas, the Enigmatic Man. Number I. You will address me as the Superior."
Xigbar was the next to stand up, though his hands remained at his sides. "The name's Xigbar, the Freeshooter. Number II, but you can call me anything you want, baby," he said, grinning crazily.
Xemnas resisted the urge to smack his forehead. It was going to be one of those days.
Xaldin hurriedly got to his feet, having to toss his book under the table so that he wouldn't be caught. "I'm Xaldin, the Whirlwind Lancer. Number III."
One of the others -- Xemnas wasn't sure who -- muttered something along the lines of, "You can shove your lance into me anytime you want." He had the distinct impression that it had been Axel, which didn't surprise him in the least.
Next was Vexen, who got to his feet rather clumsily, obviously hiding various test tubes under his jacket. "Vexen, the Chilly Academic. Number IV--," he started, but he was cut off as one of the vials slipped out of his coat and shattered as it hit the ground, sending the chemical spraying over his feet. There was a minor explosion, and he fell down, squealing like a monkey before starting to scream profanities.
Despite the cursing scientist behind him, Lexaeus calmly stood, expression giving nothing away. "I am Lexaeus, the Silent Hero. Number V." Then again, it wasn't that hard to guess what he was thinking, considering the fact that he gazed intently at Zexion's ass as the shorter man rose.
Zexion didn't seem to notice, crossing his arms over his chest before speaking. "You may call me Zexion, the Cloaked Schemer. Number VI. And I must request that you never wear that atrocious perfume again. I'm about to retch." With that being said, he promptly lifted a hand to cover his nose.
The girl didn't seem to register the insult. She was gazing at Zexion in rapture, and Xemnas could practically see the drool spilling from her mouth. The predatory stare was apparently making Zexion uncomfortable, as he had started fidgeting, taking an awkward step backwards when she didn't stop eyeing him.
Saïx gracefully stood up, sensing that it was best to distract her before she could jump the poor man. His voice caught her attention. "Saïx, the Luna Diviner. Number VII. I am the second-in-command, and you will respect me as such."
"As if!" Xigbar suddenly yelled, spinning around to flip the elf-like Nobody off. "Second-in-command my ass! Just because Xemnas favors you doesn't make you anything! Hell, the only thing you're second-in-command of is Xemnas' cock! I'm Number II, I'm second, so fuck you, you fuckin' Keebler Elf!"
The room went deadly silent, and there was a dreadful moment where Xemnas was sure that Saïx was going to leap across the table and maim the sniper. However, he was surprised to see that Saïx damn near smiled, but it was devious, yellow eyes narrowing dangerously at the same time. The dread came back full-force.
"You're just jealous because Xemnas prefers my claymore over your gun."
All hell broke loose.
The others screamed in horror, jumping to their feet or falling down if they were already standing. Larxene was shrieking with laughter, and Demyx had bolted for the door only to find it locked, as it always was during meetings. And all poor Xemnas could do was stand there and rub his aching head while Saïx and Xigbar began arguing quite loudly about whose cock he liked better.
"Saïx made a joke!"
"Not just a joke! It was a pun!"
"RUN FOR YOUR NOT-LIVES!"
"IT'S A SIGN OF THE APOCALYPSE!"
"--fuckin' kidding me! He's sucked my cock over a dozen times!"
"Pathetic. I've taken him under the light of Kingdom Hearts nearly every night."
"Big deal, you elf slut. He's let me gun-fuck him!"
"Proving that you're too incompetent to claim him the natural way."
"My cock is not small, you asshole!"
"Forgive me. It's microscopic."
"You're dead, you bastard! I'm going to fuckin' kill you--!"
"That's enough!" Xemnas shouted, and everyone instantly fell silent. "Return to your seats. There will be no further interruptions."
The others meekly did as he said, assuming their places and turning to face the newcomer. One chair remained empty, and Xemnas was sure that his eye had started to twitch uncontrollably. "Where the hell is Axel now?"
There was a muffled sound from the left, and Xemnas looked over only to see that Marluxia's features were flushed, lips parted as he gasped for air, body visibly shuddering. Abruptly, the entire table jerked as something bumped against it from underneath, the motion followed by muffled cursing. A moment later, Axel had scurried back to his seat, crawling out from under the table.
The redhead wiped his lips roughly with the back of his hand, giving the rest of the Organization a sheepish grin while he sent a wink in Marluxia's direction, where the brunet was hastily zipping up his coat. "Axel, the Flurry of Dancing Flames. Number VIII. Got it memorized?"
The group collectively groaned at the catchphrase, but other than that, the rest of the introductions passed uneventfully. By the end, though, it was quite clear that Xemnas was at the last of his patience, so they carefully refrained from any unnecessary comments.
That is, until the new Nobody introduced herself.
She stood gracefully, hair sparkling in the iridescent light of the room, her eyes brimming with excitement even as she fidgeted nervously. With a nod from Xemnas, she spoke, hands folded daintily in front of her. "My name's Texa--,"
Demyx promptly burst into giggles, and the others could only stare at him as he slumped forward onto the table, shoulders shaking with laughter. When Luxord prodded him in the side in an attempt to bring him back to reality, Demyx forced himself to sit up, giggles still escaping him.
"D-Don't you get it?" he asked, looking utterly giddy. "Her name's 'Ate'!"
Xaldin lifted a brow, unable to stop from grinning. "Or 'Eat'."
"I believe her true name was... 'Tea'."
Lexaeus was the one who said it, an amused look on his visage. The room was silent for a second or two, and then as one, everyone fell into hysterics. Everyone except for Xemnas, of course, who could feel both of his eyes twitching.
He cleared his throat loudly, effectively silencing his subordinates, save for Demyx, who continued to titter. Axel quickly smacked him on the back of his head, and he quieted down immediately.
With an exasperated sigh, Xemnas rubbed his temples in an attempt to soothe his aching head before addressing them again. "We must decide on a nickname for her. Are there any suggestions?"
Luxord calmly raised his hand, speaking once Xemnas nodded at him, which the Superior instantly regretted when he saw the gambler smirk. "Queen of the Brits."
Vexen snorted as well, quickly adding an idea of his own. "Crumpet Lass."
As the others sniggered, Larxene lifted her hand as well, schooling her expression into one of honest sincerity as Xemnas desperately called on her. "Well, I was thinking more along the lines of..." She purposefully trailed off, waiting until the room was entirely silent before continuing.
"...Mary Poppins."
It took all of Xemnas' self-control not to run over to the nearest wall and bash his head against it. Gripping his chair to stop himself from doing just that, he somehow got them to settle down again. "I'll make this relatively simple. Texa, what do you believe your... power is?"
The girl blinked several times, obviously not understanding. Gritting his teeth together, Xemnas attempted to make it simpler. "What are you talented at?"
She instantly brightened up. "Everything!"
Oh, Darkness below. What was he getting himself into? "Is there anything you're particularly better at?"
"Nope," she replied, shaking her head so that her wavy black locks tumbled over her bare shoulders. "I'm pretty much amazing at everything I do."
Suddenly, her eyes widened, realization dawning on her features. "But... I've had dreams... A voice tells me that I'm the key... I don't know what it means, but maybe you do...?"
Roxas all but growled at her. "I'm the Key. Back off."
Axel couldn't resist, looking absolutely devious as he raised his voice so that everyone would hear. "He has a point, y'know. I mean, he's always taking that Keyblade of his and sealing my Keyhole."
That was all Xemnas could take.
"I've had it!" he yelled, getting to his feet rapidly and knocking his chair back, not caring as his usually cool demeanor disappeared. "She'll be called the Key Ingredient! End of discussion! The meeting's over! And Saïx, get your ass up to my room so that I can fuck you!"
With that, the Superior stormed out of the meeting hall, leaving the others to sit in stunned silence before Saïx hurried after him. Demyx remedied that by clambering up onto the table, already fumbling with the zipper of his jacket.
"Welcome to the Orgy-nization, Number XIV!"
The rest of them started stripping as Larxene pulled out several pairs of handcuffs and a few whips, while Xigbar was already naked and shoving Demyx down on the table. Vexen started to tug off Axel's coat with his teeth, while Zexion searched frantically for lubrication because he had to "deal with Lexaeus' massive cock" as Marluxia was handcuffed to a chair.
Texa fled, and as the door slammed shut, Roxas looked up from where he was kneeling with Luxord behind him, the teen's mouth hovering over Xaldin's own cock.
"...I don't think she likes orgies."
---
After some difficulty, Texa had managed to find her room in the labyrinth-like castle. She didn't much like the design of the building; honestly, everything looked like it was made of little gray and white cheese cubes. Her room was just as dull, no sense of flair at all, the only furniture being a bed, a mirror, a wardrobe, and a dresser.
She made a beeline for the wardrobe out of curiosity, pulling the doors open only to reveal identical black coats -- forty-two identical black coats, to be exact. With trepidation, she took one out, holding it up for examination before deciding that she might as well wear it, even though it wasn't nearly as beautiful as her dress.
Reluctantly, Texa changed into the coat ensemble, folding up her gown and tucking it into an empty dresser drawer. That being done, she looked around the room again, wondering what she could do to amuse herself. (And she was not going back to that... that atrocity that was taking place in the meeting hall.)
Her sparkling emerald eyes landed on a pad of paper lying on top of the dresser, a Bic pen emblazoned with the Organization's logo next to it. A closer look revealed a washed out version of the logo was the background of the notepad.
Texa stared at it for a bit longer before picking both items up and walking over to the bed. She sat down, uncapping the pen and tapping it against the notepad. What could she write? A grocery list was out of the question, and she wasn't sure if these people celebrated Christmas...
And then, it came to her. She quickly started jotting the ideas down, giggling interspersed with each line.
Looking down at the finished list in satisfaction, Texa folded it up, stowing it away in her pocket. 'They won't be able to resist me! Oh, I just know that they love me already!'
---
"I hate her already!"
Roxas frowned, sending a concerned glance down at Axel. The redhead was sprawled across the meeting table on his stomach, arms bent in front of him to act as a pillow. Roxas was straddling him and, at the moment, massaging his shoulders. "Why's that?"
Axel huffed, shifting slightly so that the blond's fingers dug into a particularly sore muscle. "Ugh, you have no idea how annoying she was on the way here. She wouldn't shut up about marriage this and children that. I swear, I was so close to barbequing her."
"I wish you had," Marluxia spoke up from where he was still chained to the chair, taking advantage of the moment to relax while Larxene was cleaning the whips and harnesses she'd used with him. "She was looking at us like we were gods, or something. Not that I necessarily mind, of course."
"Sure you don't, flower boy," Luxord replied sarcastically, currently reclining on the back legs of another chair, somehow balancing with Demyx curled up in his lap. The musician was using the break to take a nap, and he claimed that Luxord happened to have the finest chest to sleep against. "I just hope the Superior knows what he's doing, eh?"
"This isn't going to end well," Zexion muttered, glancing up from the plate of sandwiches Lexaeus had thought to bring for them. "She's female. That alone signifies that this is a bad idea."
An indignant cry came from Larxene, causing Zexion to hurriedly amend his statement. "...Because we don't need anymore women, seeing as we have Number XII."
Axel shrugged, groaning softly as Roxas eased away one of the knots that had formed. "I don't care what gender she is. If she comes anywhere near me, we'll be having fried bitch for dinner."
Xigbar grimaced. "But your cooking sucks."
"Shut up, or I won't suck you."
---
"I have a very bad feeling all of a sudden."
The elf-like Nobody lifted a brow, gazing up from his position stretched out across the bed. "We're incapable of feeling."
Xemnas let out a sigh of exasperation, crawling over to his subordinate. "A different sort of feeling, Saïx. The sort of sense that alludes to impending devastation."
Saïx rolled his eyes, lifting his legs accordingly so that the Superior could place them over his shoulders. "Do you remember the last time you had one of your 'senses'?" he questioned, watching Xemnas' features darken with a blush at the memory. "The time that you 'sensed' I was pregnant and thought that we were going to have a litter of half-breed werewolf pups? Disregarding that I'm not a werewolf and that it's physically impossible, you completely believed it."
Xemnas huffed, slipping a finger into the other as a way to distract Saïx from the conversation. "I admit that it was a mistake, but this time, it's not. An aura of imminent desolation has settled over the castle, Saïx. You cannot brush this off as nothing."
"Fine, I -- nngh!" Saïx gasped as another finger entered him, unable to stop from baring his teeth in a snarl while his nails dug into the sheets. "Just shut up and take me, Xemnas!"
"Well, if you insist..."
And Xemnas did just that.
- tbc.
The next part will be posted ASAP!