I'm not really sure what brought this on. I was chatting with Stayce and all of a sudden, this one happened. Must be her fault…

I will continue if you're interested, but I don't want to bore you if you aren't. Okay, that sounded like fishing for compliments, but I mean it! Let me know what you think.

Rating: T so far. Let's see what happens…

Spoilers: None

Disclaimer: Still not mine.

Clueless in Trenton

"Go ahead, Clueless in Trenton, you're on the air. What is troubling you this evening?"

I couldn't believe I was doing this! I'd never called a radio station in my life! Maybe I shouldn't have had that last drink at the bar with Lula, I thought.

"My life is a mess!" I blurted out, remembering why I had called after hearing the stupid call-in talk show on the radio on the way home.

"That covers a lot of ground." Helpful Helen said in her shrink voice that was oozing understanding. "What part of your life doesn't feel right?"
Where to begin?

I plopped down on my couch and took a sip of my beer.

"I have no money. I am over thirty and not married. I live with a hamster. My job sucks. And on top of everything, I'm in love with two men!"

"Okay then, let's start with the one that seems most important to you," Helen replied unfazed, "Tell me about these two men."

What the hell, I thought, I might as well. I'd been trying to figure it out for years now; it couldn't hurt to get an outsider's opinion. I took a deep breath.

"The first guy, I've known all my life. We grew up in the same neighborhood. Our families have the same values."

"Let's call him John to give him a name, okay?" Helen suggested. Whatever.

"He's been in and out of my life for as long as I can remember. He's good looking, he has a job he loves and he's incredible in bed."

"All good things." Helen said and I could hear her smile.

"Yeah well, the problem is…" What was the problem with Joe Morelli? Why couldn't we make it work?

"We know we love each other. It's the being with each other that's the problem."

"You may have to explain that bit." Helen said. Well, if I could explain it, I wouldn't have to call!

I sighed.

"Whenever I'm not with him, I miss him. But whenever we're together, we fight."

"All you do is fight?"

"Well, no, we…I mean, when we talk, we often fight. When we're in bed, everything is copasetic."

I clapped my hand to my mouth. I couldn't believe I'd just said that!

Helen was laughing softly.

"So you're relationship with John is purely sexual?"
I did some more sighing. No, that was the other relationship in my life.

Clearly, this phone call had been a bad idea. I'd drunk and dialed, always a mistake.

"Tell me about the other man." Helen suggested, I'd probably been quiet for too long.

"He's also good looking, always there for me when I need help, he loves his job and he…"
"Yes?"
"And he's also incredible in bed."

"I see." Helen said neutrally.
Here I was, announcing to the nation that I was a slut. My only hope was that no one in the Trenton area was listening to the radio at one in the morning.

"So tell me, Clueless, is it more than sexual attraction you feel for those two?" Helen asked.

"I'm in love with both of them." Wow, when I said it out loud it sounded differently. I'd admitted it to myself before, but I'd never said it.

"And they're both Mr. Right?" I could tell Helen wasn't going to help me solve any of my problems.

"I think they're both Mr. Wrong, actually…"

"I think I can help you," Helen said, "I need you to grab a pen and paper and write something down. We have to take a break and I'll be back okay?"
"Okay." I agreed, but I'd already been put on hold. What the hell, I thought again, since I had nothing to lose, I did as I was told and got a pen and my notebook. I'd tried to sort it out myself for too long now, it couldn't hurt to get an expert opinion, right? Even if it was only a pseudo expert.

The commercials were over and Helen came back on the line.

After she confirmed I was still on the phone she put me back on the air. I was glad I didn't have the radio on, this way I could pretend our conversation wasn't broadcast.

"Okay, Clueless, do you have something to write?" I confirmed I did.

"Here's what we're going to do: I'm going to give you ten questions. You write down the answers to these questions. You don't have to share your answers with anyone, but please be honest. It's very important you're honest with yourself."

Oh boy. She didn't know me. Honesty towards myself was not my strong suit. I usually went with denial and avoidance, and I could convince even myself something wasn't true.

"Okay…" I said slowly.

"Then you're going to ask your two men the same questions. And you will write down their answers and compare them to yours."

"And that's gonna help me choose?"
"It's not about choosing," Helen explained, "It's about making a decision that's right for you."

I didn't see a difference, but I was going to play along for the time being.

"Are you ready for the questions?"
"Uh huh."

"Question number one: What are the three items you would take with you to a deserted island?" I rolled my eyes. Could she get any more cliché than that?

"Got it." I said instead of complaining though.
"Question number two: You can ask any person a question, any question, whether they're dead or alive. Who would you ask and what's the question?"

Okay, that one was more interesting, but still quite stereotypical. Still, I wrote it down and told Helen I when I was done.

"Now on to number three: Did you ever apologize for something that wasn't your fault? Why?"

I still couldn't see how that would help me any, but my beer buzz told me to play along.

"Number four: If there was one event in the past year you could get undone, what would it be?"
That one, I'd have to think about myself. These questions were getting more and more interesting.

"All right." I said, telling Helen I'd written it down.

"Now for number five, Clueless, I want you to write down the three most influential people in your life, past and present. But not more than three, okay?"
"Okay." I confirmed. This one would also take me longer to answer.

"Number six: If you'd won the jackpot a year ago, what would you have done with the money?"
That one was a little easier, I thought, but I still only wrote down the question, not the answer.

"And number seven, if a genie granted you one wish, what would you wish for?"

I was gnawing on my lower lip as I wrote it down, this one was tricky. Didn't genies usually give you three wishes?

"We're almost done, Clueless. Number eight: You have the power to forever eliminate a natural disaster. Which one would you choose?"
No clue what that one had to do with anything, but by now I was enjoying myself and I wrote it down.

"Number nine: You are given the chance to alter one thing about your physical appearance or character, what's your choice?"

Ugh, again just one? I didn't know where to begin with the things I wanted to change about me.

"And finally, number 10: Did you answer the preceding nine questions honestly? If not, would you like to change an answer?"
I scoffed at that last one.

"Don't laugh," Helen said, "Sometimes people, shall we say, change their minds."

"Okay, I got the questions," I said, "Now what?"

"Now you take some time and answer them. Remember, you will not have to share them with anyone if you don't want to. Once you're satisfied with your answers, you ask the same ten questions to the two men in your life."

"Then what?" I asked.

"You'll see." Helen said. Huh. That was some help. But I thanked her anyway and hung up. Hey, at the very least, I'd have some fun figuring out the answers!

I got another beer from the fridge and sat down at the dining table with my notebook to write down the answers. I wasn't tired anymore, and I was pretty sure it would all seem silly to me in the morning, so I had to do it right then and there.

An hour later, I looked over the result. Helen had said to be honest, so I had tried.

1. hairbrush, lip-gloss, TastyKakes Rex donuts Mary Lou

2. Ranger: What is 'your way' and how do you love me?

3. No. It's usually my fault.

4. Fighting with Joe, Julie getting kidnapped

5. Dad, Grandma Mazur, Ranger

6. Shopping, Lexus, condo

7.

8.

9.

10.

I hadn't come up with anything I liked as an answer for the last four questions, so I decided to sleep on it, closed the notebook and went to bed.

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A/N: Please r&r and let me know if you want more.