Dumb Little Spacehouse for Two
By: Jaha Canon
Disclaimer: Nothing but the obvious, all the time.
Sorry, ONCE AGAIN for the delay. I haven't checked, but I am pretty sure this might be my longest delay yet. I guess having a full time job and living alone in a foreign country changes one's priorities just a biiit. ;)
This is –technically- the last chapter. BUT- I've decided to make a sequel. I'll write about it in more detail at the end.
September Rhyme, The Illustrious Crackpot- I thought ZADR shippers might enjoy that one. I don't tend to use pairings in my stories, but I will toss a bone every now and then! Thanks for the review!
Thanks also to Obeythedib, Invader Dana, Chaos of the Asylum, and Reigning Fyre for their excellent reviews.
And always, thanks for sticking around, reading, and not being too angry with the long periods between chapters.
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Miss Bitters started the school day giving each student a unique glare of death, doom, and destruction before starting to speak, "The principal tells me that I should take time from your studying to congratulate Dib on proving the existence of Bigfoot."
"But Dib isn't here yet." A student pointed out.
"Sorry I'm late!" Dib exclaimed as he entered the classroom. He held a leash connected to a giant hairy beast. "I had to stop Harry here from attacking a mailman." He waited for the applause from his classmates to stop before sitting down.
"Dib," Miss Bitters continued, "we were just talking about how you were right about the existence of Bigfoot."
"Oh!" Dib said, with a smile. "It wasn't really anything..."
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Zim looked down at Dib's sleeping form. It was pathetic, really. The boy had a big smile on his face and was mumbling phrases that sounded like "I told you so" and "That's not a scratching post, Harry."
Psssh, HYUUUMANS and their SLEEP.
"Dibstink." Zim said in a voice loud enough that he thought he would wake up the boy.
Dib rolled over in his sleep. "Bigfoot.... real...." He mumbled.
Zim sighed irritatedly and he began nudging the boy.
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The world was shaking.
"It's an earthquake!" One of the classmates exclaimed.
"No, it's got to be Zim up to something again!" Dib responded, noticing that Zim's desk was empty.
"Psssh," another classmate replied while ducking under his desk, "You're so mean, Dib, Zim's just a weird kid with a skin condition."
"Wait-" Dib said with urgency. "You believe me about Bigfoot, but you still don't believe me about aliens?"
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Dib's sleeping face looked distressed. "Zim.... alien.... notcrazy...."
Zim growled from annoyance and left the room. He came back a little while later with his arms full of the human food. He began stacking it on Dib's head.
"Gaz...." said Dib's mumbling voice. "Don't play.... gravity machine....."
The idea of a gravity machine intrigued Zim, but he shook it off knowing he had to get Dib awake.
"Hey DIIIIIIB beast. It's the almighty ZIM and I have the gravity machine!" He yelled in a taunting voice.
Dib screamed, he sat up quickly knocking all of the food on top of him to the ground, and his eyes shot open. After looking around the room in a dazed panic and taking a few deep breaths, he looked at Zim and met a very unamused glare. "You know," he said, finally. "You can't stop me from eating the Irken food when you keep wasting the human food supply."
"And you can't stop me from getting that gravity machine when we get back to Earth." Zim shot back.
"Wait... what? What gravity machine?" Dib asked, confused. "Did you come in here and wake me at" he checks the clock "3 am just to tell me about something that doesn't exist?"
"Yes! I mean... no." Zim replied, equally confused. "No, Zim came into the very bad smelling Dib's room to tell him the AMAZING new plan. Far superior to Dib's silly human plan."
"Okay, what is it?" Dib asked, his curiousity putting his fatigue on hold.
"First, let's get out of the hideous HYUUMAN room."
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Dib sat at the kitchen table facing Zim. "Okay, so what's the plan, Zim?"
"The great plan of ZIM is a great plan indeed," Zim started, "much better than the stupid, fluffy, disgusting, FRIENDshippy, gooey plan the Diiiiib came up with..."
Sleep was returning to Dib, "Can you just tell me your superior plan already?"
Zim gave Dib an extremely annoyed, but somewhat hurt look. "Fine! Here it is-" He hopped off his chair in an attempt to emphasize his dramatic pause. "We explode the planet and escape."
"That's all???" asked Dib.
Zim glared at the boy. "What do you mean that's all?!!??!"
"Well, for starters, what can be use to blow up the planet and how will we escape?" Dib asked.
"That's where you come in, URRTH scum, as an elite member of the superior Irken race, ZIM is used to working with the best technology whatsits the universe has to offer. While, you, Dibmonkey, are used to working with absolutely nothing."
"I don't work with nothing," Dib said offensively, "I use my dad's lab."
"Absolutely NOTHING." Zim repeated, glaring into Dib's eyes with complete and utter seriousness. "Anyway, I figure this would be a breeze for you because you have managed to protect the UURTH from ZIM on a few occasion with very very little."
Dib sighed, "Fine. I'll see if I can think of something. I'm going back to bed and I'll talk to you about this again before the cameras come on in the morning."
He left the room and began making his way back to bed, wishing Zim had a better grasp of human sleep schedules.
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Dib walked back into the kitchen a few hours later. Zim was exactly where he had last seen him. He walked past the Irken and began getting his breakfast together.
"Sooo?" Zim asked. There was a little bit of eagerness in his voice.
"Sooo......?" Dib said back as he began eating.
"Did you think of anything to blow up this planet?" Zim asked.
"I was sleeping, Zim." Dib replied. "I can't think of how to destroy planets if I am needing sleep that badly."
Zim sighed impatiently. He watched as Dib stuck something in the microwave and pushed a button to start it.
After that, Dib went to the refrigerator and pulled out a carton of juice. He paused suddenly.
"I wonder if I put too much time on the microw-"
BOOM!
The Earthling and the Irken watched as an explosion shallowed the entire microwave and the whole thing was reduced to ashes.
"Is... -all- of your HYUUMAN food explosive?" asked Zim.
Dib moped a little that part of his breakfast exploded and got out the cereal. "Most of it, anyway."
"So we'll blow up the planet using the disgusting HYUUMAN food!" Zim announced.
"Two things are wrong with that plan, Zim," Dib said cooly. "One, we don't have a microwave anymore and two, we could probaby blow up the house at the absolute most with that."
Zim glared at Dib. But he had to admit the Earthling child was right.
Dib finished his cereal and went to the sink to clean his bowl. He splashed a little water which spilled onto a broken cord from the exploded microwave. It sizzled.
Dib had an idea.
"Hey Zim," he said, "they're are cameras all over this planet right?"
Zim rolled his eyes. "Yep."
"So it follows that they would be connected somehow."
"Uh huuuh." Zim looked bored and annoyed. "What's your point?"
"And if we spill enough water like I did just now, it should destroy all of the technology and at least a good percentage of the crew on this planet." Dib stated. "It wouldn't destroy the planet itself, but they definitely wouldn't be able to broadcast anymore programs."
"Hmm...." Zim said thoughtfully. Putting Realiteevee out for good did sound pretty great. All they needed to use would be.... water. The Irken jerked uncomfortably.
"I know you probably don't want to use water, Zim, but it's the only way." Dib argued.
Zim was hesitant, but he didn't want Dib to see that he was that afraid of water. "All right. Sounds like your pathetic HYUUMAN mind thought of something that might work."
"There's still one thing- how will we escape?" Dib asked. "It's no good if we're stuck here even the power goes out."
Zim looked thoughtful for a while and jumped up from his chair. "Leave that one to ZIM!" He said. He paraded out of the room just as the cameras turned on.
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Dib watched Zim in the corner of his eye as the Irken spoke animatedly at the camera during interview time. He kept talking about how he was so excited about watching the Pan-galactical races.
That's right, Dib remembered, it was in the newspaper that it was starting tonight.
This realization only made Dib shrug. –Something- printed in said periodical had to be relevant –sometimes-, right?
However, lately Zim had been doing absolutely nothing except watch television. Sure, he and Dib had the same predicable fights as usual, but absolutely nothing could tear him away from the television.
And, he always turned up the volume when commercials about the races were on.
Zim got up from the interview chair and went back to the couch. The cameras turned off. The television was turned onto the sports channel where the race was beginning.
"Hey Zim…" Dib began.
"Shush, HYUUMAN!" Zim replied, waving a dismissive hand.
"I was just thinking, I've been working non-stop on the plan, but you hav-"
"SHUSH!" Zim said again.
Dib realized at that moment that Zim had been counting since the race had begun.
He could just barely hear it.
"39… 40…. 41…."
And suddenly they both heard a very loud sound.
"What –was- that?" Dib asked, startled.
"The racing ships!" Zim answered with a gigantic grin. "Every intellegent being in the universe knows that they film big races and events on Realiteevee. Sportscastia lacks the space and technology."
Sportscast…ia???
"And, filthy human," Zim continued speaking after noting that Dib was completely lost for words, "it seems the race goes right past our dwelling."
Something clicked in Dib's brain. "You're suggesting we hijack one of those racing ships…? But, Zim, if there's a planetwide power outage here, wouldn't it take out the vehicles, too?"
"It will. I guess your puny brain is lacking the smarts to see the rest of this GENIUS plan. These ships are from Sportscastia, they don't run on Realiteevee's power."
Dib marvelled at how good he has gotten at letting Zim's insults roll off of him… well, most of the time. Zim just keeps getting better at it. "All right! Let's do it, then."
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"Ladies and GENTLEMEN! Welcome to day 2 of the MostSuperAmazingRacesintheUniverse! I'm Announce-SIR and I am really REALLY REALLY hungry right now."
The small robot seen on the television actually did quite resemble a SIR unit.
"It's a defective unit." Zim said dismissively and he looked over his ammo.
Dib had to smile. "Sounds like someone we know."
Zim glared at Dib. "I'll have you KNOW that Gir is most definitely not… err… hey! Look! Eggs!"
Dib rolled his eyes and went into the kitchen to start preparing the water. Then he started the shower water running as well.
"Without any furtha-a-doo! Let's start the race!"
"On your mark. Get set. Go!"
"It's started, Dib!" Zim announced. He couldn't help but feel excited.
Less than a second later, he heard a loud zap and the power went out. Dib came running out of the kitchen pulling rubber gloves of his hands. They picked up the ammo and broke through the door.
"38… 39… 40…"
A ship was heading towards when in a speed that could only be compared to a hummingbird's wings.
Zim threw an egg. It crashed into the window. The ship spun and crashed into the house.
"Maybe that –wasn't- particularly a genius part of your plan." Dib remarked. Zim seethed.
They could only watch as ship after ship zoomed past them.
"What now…?" Dib asked the alien planet sky.
Just then, another ship passed. Yes, it was fast, but it was a snails pace compared to the other ships. Then, before it got too far, the pilot turned and drove back to the Irken and the Earthling.
The ship came to a stop and the pilot just stared at Zim and Dib blankly.
Taking the opportunity, Zim and Dib jumped into the ship.
The pilot found words again. "Oh wooowww… Zim and Dib inside of my ship! C-ca-can I have your autographs?"
"Later, racing drone! We need to get off this planet NOW!" Zim commanded.
"Well, shucks! Of course! But this vehicle doesn't move too fast in space."
"Just get us off this planet, please!" Dib requested, purposely trying to sound more gracious than Zim. Not that this was difficult.
"Well, ok, then!" the pilot replied cheerfully. He turned on the jets and the ship began to make its way up. After a while, it was out of the atmosphere.
"This ship –IS- slow." Zim complained, crossing his arms.
"But we're free!" Dib exclaimed happily. "Hey, where are we going anyway?"
"This ship probably won't take us any farther than the nearest planet…" Zim started.
"Yup!" the pilot chimed in.
"…so I guess we'll find a DECENT ship to take back to URRTH when we get there." Zim paused as something clicked in head. "Well, ZIM will find a ship and if the Dib thing is lucky, he will find a way back to his stinky little planet."
"I think it's said like this," the pilot said, "'earth.'"
"That's what ZIM said!" Zim yelled.
Dib, however, smiled. This pilot obviously wasn't the sharpest tool in any planet's shed, but he at least knew how to prononce Earth and that was saying a lot.
The end---
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A/N: So, yes, there WILL be a sequel. I decided that yesterday and I started to have pretty good ideas for it already.
I decided that it's not quite time for Zim and Dib to get back to Earth yet. So, they're going on a bit of an adventure.
The title is still in the works, but I am thinking it'll be something along the lines of:
"Absurd Journey through Regularly Scheduled Programming For Two"
Buuut it wouldn't kill me to go with something a tad shorter, don't you think?
I'm open for suggestions on the title.
As always, thanks.