The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura Nara

A/N: Well, after a landslide victory in the polls, the rating has officially been upped to M... which merely means that there will be more puppet sex jokes mixed in with the fluff. This chapter, for example, is mostly fluff. I don't anticipate any actual lemons in the story, because I am a pathetic virgin, and therefore unqualified to write such things.

I've also seen quite a bit of confusion, so; Yukari is not my OC. She is a character from the series Azumanga Daioh.

Warning: Immortals Arch Spoilers.

Hey, why did the good stop? Sakura thought. Yukari, I needed that massage sooo badly...

Well, I'm glad it did you good, Yukari thought back sardonically, Because I won't recover from that any time soon.

Sakura opened her eyes to narrow them angrily. She also took time to notice that she was facing a typical bedroom that told her absolutely nothing about her husband. Consider it my revenge for your comments about Sasori's little wooden friend. Now, to get a look at the next guy. She tried to turn herself over, but found this a more difficult task than expected. She felt a lot bulkier today than usual. Uhg, I feel like I've gained twenty pounds.

Something like that.

The mocking tone of Yukari's voice made her uneasy. She opened her eyes and brought a hand into their vision. Skinny as always. Hmm... I guess I'm not married to some rich, doting man who lets me do nothing but eat bonbons. Too bad. Something slammed the inside of her stomach rather forcefully. And what did I eat last night?

Sometimes, Sakura, you're delightfully thick.

The man next to her, whom Sakura had been ignoring to investigate her inability to move, placed a hand against her stomach... her unusually-round stomach.

"Is he kicking again?"

Oh, no. Yukari, no. Just no.

Don't yell at me, I'm not the one whose future self got you pregnant. I just gave you the potion.

Sakura sighed. I didn't want to be ready-to-burst pregnant during my day with Sasuke!

Sasuke, huh?

Yes, Sasuke. I mean, clearly I'm not the kind of girl who gets pregnant before she's been married a year, but... well, Sasuke's got a clan to revive, when I marry him, I'll have to help him out with that.

Yeah... clearly... Yukari scoffed, tastefully not mentioning Shino or Kakashi.

"Yeah, kicking up a storm." The baby, not wanting to make a liar out of its mommy, kicked harder than ever.

"Heh," her husband laughed gently, "that's my little boy."

"Yes, dear, I know," Sakura said. So, how many months along am I?

I know it feels like months, but we've actually only been at this for a few weeks.

I meant how pregnant am I?

Eh, I'd say seven, maybe an early eight months. Why don't you turn your gianormous self around and give 'Sasuke' a little lovin'?

So it is Sasuke? Sakura squealed, rocking herself over, right on top of Shikamaru. "Eek!"

Did I say that? I'm sorry, didn't mean to get your little hopes up.

"Heh," Shikamaru pinned her against his chest, at an odd angle because of her swollen stomach. "Trying to smush me?"

"Are you calling me fat?" Sakura asked, "Because I-,"

He quickly covered her mouth with his. "Don't yell at me this early in the morning," he groaned when they broke. "I'm still waking up."

"You never wake up," Sakura countered. "Get up, I want french toast."

"Good for you," Shikamaru muttered, closing his eyes.

"Fine, I'll get it myself," Sakura sighed, kissing Shikamaru quickly and rolling out of bed.

So... you want to do a flashback? Yukari asked.

No, I want french toast.

But...

What would I want with a flashback? Shikamaru and I are friends, sort-of. I mean, we went to school together, we were near the top of the class together. Sure, the Shikamaru I know is a whiny, lazy, good-for-nothing little bitch, but I'm willing to accept that boys mature more slowly than girls, and that someday he may be a very admirable husband. He's not like Neji-the-Hinata-Abuser,

Who bought you a house.

Or Shino-the-bug-freak,

The loving father of an adorable child.

Or Kankuro-the-pu-

Who cooks.

Exactly my point. All of those were long-shots, and they were pretty decent. I'm sure that in this reality Shikamaru is a mature and committed mate, and that this baby thing is either the result of careful planning and discussion... or a faulty condom, and that we will make fine parents.

Well, I'm sure Shikamaru will, anyway.

I was a perfectly good mother to the last kid! Even you said so! Sakura snapped as she pulled eggs out of the fridge. And you haven't even noticed how fast I found my way to the kitchen.

I'd pity anyone who could get lost in this house. It's not exactly large. And I said you were better than I thought you would be with the baby, not that you were an excellent mother.

You're such a supportive spiritual guide, Sakura thought irately. She cooked up her toast with record speed, then took a whiff of it maliciously. Hmm, doesn't that smell good, Yukari?

She was rewarded by the sound of Yukari's stomach growling.

"Mm, that smells good. Any chance there's some waiting for me?"

Sakura swivelled her head around. There was Shikamaru, in his boxers.

"No. Make your own breakfast."

Shikamaru leaned over her shoulder, very deliberately watching her as she cut her toast. "You expect me to believe that someone as skinny as you can eat all of that?"

"I expect you to believe that I'm not making you breakfast," Sakura replied.

Someone woke up on the wrong side of the bed...

You got to take a firm hand with Shikamaru... Trust me, we used to get paired to do school projects together... Iruka thought I'd be a good influence on him.

Were you?

I hit him with a book once when he refused to do his half of the work... Isn't this in the guide book?

No... that must not have been a deciding factor in your relationship. I mean, it's not like this thing tells me your entire life story or anything. It's thick enough as is.

Ah, well... As Sakura was chewing thoughtfully on a piece of French toast and talking to Yukari, Shikamaru speared a corner of her toast with the butter knife.

"HEY!" Sakura tried to spear the bread on her fork, but too late; Shikamaru had already popped the morsel into his mouth.

"Checkmate," he grinned, the same smug grin that, years earlier, had made Sakura smack him with a textbook.

"Yeah, go on, feel real good about stealing food from the mouth of your own child. Hope you're proud of yourself."

"What are you going on about?"

Sakura scooted her chair out and stroked her stomach. "I'm eating for two. You're just stuffing your face."

"Geez, you're always big on the melodrama."

Shut up, Yukari!

...I didn't say anything.

"But I love you for it," Shikamaru added. He leaned over and pressed his nose against Sakura's stomach. "I'm sorry, Junior," he told it. "Didn't know you were going to eat that. I'll make it up to you."

"Are you going to make it up to me?" Sakura asked. Shikamaru looked up at her face blankly.

"You?"

Sakura opened her mouth to glare out loud, but Shikamaru cut her off with a chuckle.

"How about I help you deep-fry your special rice balls for the party? Is that worth a piece of toast?"

"When's the party?"

"Uh... Chouji said to show up around one."

Sakura glanced at the clock above the kitchen table, and also at the deer-themed calendar on the wall. She learned three things: it was ten o'clock, the picture of the month was antelope, and the eleventh was circled with a thick red circle and covered with thick letters proclaiming it "Chouji's Birthday."

"Well, I guess I need all the help I can get," Sakura sighed. Her eyes narrowed as they swept over Shikamaru's face. "Fine. I suppose I'll forgive the toast." Another deep breath, and Sakura picked up her final piece of toast with her hand and shoved it whole into her mouth. "All right, get some water boiling in the biggest pot we've got. Come on, snap to it."

"And you'll make me some toast while I do that?" Shikamaru said hopefully. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"I've got to make enough rice balls for your friend's birthday in three hours. You don't have time for French toast."

"I told you to make them last night so you wouldn't have to rush," Shikamaru said in his favorite I-told-you-so voice, but he began filling a huge pot with water anyway.

"I'm pregnant!"

"You win every argument that way," Shikamaru muttered.

"When you've tried it, then you can argue," Sakura said smugly, dashing back to the bedroom to change out of her pajamas.

Yukari, get ready for the biggest rice-ball-making challenge of my sweet young life.

There are going to be all of four people there, Sakura. You, Mr. Sakura, there, Birthday Boy Chouji, and his wife. How many rice balls do you possibly need?

You do not know Chouji. Does this mumu make my stomach look big?

Sakura smoothed the garish pink floral-print dress against her body and looked at herself critically in the mirror. Is there some kind of legislation about maternity clothes being hideous? But there was no time to dwell on the wardrobe this reality had provided for her. Rice balls were serious business, and she and Shikamaru had an intense cooking session ahead of them.

"So, Sakura," Shikamaru asked while he forced a handful of rice to stick together into something triangle-shaped and she watched a pot of boiling oil and similarly-mutilated rice conglomerates. "Where did you get the idea to deep-fry rice balls?"

"You're not going to like it," Sakura said coyly, deftly flipping one of the fried balls of delicious out of the oil and onto a paper towel with its fellows.

"But you're going to tell me anyway, right?"

"Well, yeah. Anybody can make rice balls, and I needed mine to stand out to get Sasuke's attention,"

Shikamaru winced, and Sakura pretended to be too absorbed in her frying rice balls to notice. She had told him he wouldn't like it.

"So I had to find something I could do to make them tastier. And I thought, 'what makes everything taste better? Why, grease, of course!' And that's when I had the idea to deep fry them. And it's served me well. These rice balls are Konoha's most powerful weapon."

"Now you're just being cocky."

"Takes one to know one, darling. And you'd be surprised what these can do!"

Shikamaru made a point of raising an eyebrow at her as he dumped a few more uncooked rice balls into the pot. "What, clog your arteries?"

"These rice balls have saved my life, I'll have you know," Sakura said. "There I was, holed up with my most deadly enemy, my reinforcements out for a Swiss Cake Roll, time running out, but I never lose my cool. No, I pull out a plate of rice balls, and use them to negotiate until help can arrive! I would have been a goner! True facts!"

Shikamaru got very quiet after this, and the only sound in the kitchen was the fizzing of the oil and the soft mush of rice being fused together. Sakura coughed.

"So, you don't believe me?"

Shikamaru jumped a little, dropping his half-formed rice ball on the table, where it crumbled back into grains. "Hmm? Sorry, what are you talking about?"

"My rice ball story. You don't believe me."

"Oh, are we still talking about that?"

"Yes?"

"Sorry, I was thinking."

Sakura fished the last of the current batch out of the oil. "Well, then come do my job for a bit. I'm dying to sit down."

Shikamaru groaned. "Man, I just sat down. You've already had about six million breaks to pee!"

Sakura brought her tongs down on the table in front of her husband. "UP! My feet are going to flatten out if I stand any longer. This is your friend's birthday, you fry the rice."

With a sigh so loud it could only be fake, Shikamaru struggled to his feet. "Fine, fine. Now, I have a question about your rice ball story."

Sakura smiled. "Shoot."

"On the kitchen table, you will find a map laid out in rice grains. The seaweed pieces represent enemies; the larger ones are stronger. You are that rice hull in the middle. You are armed with one batch's worth of rice balls."

Sakura studied the map carefully. "Fried?"

"No. Just your rations. You were on a mission to infiltrate this base, but your position was compromised at the location on the map. How do you escape?"

Sakura's hands traced the rice map, being careful not to dislodge any of the grains. "Let's see... Are you watching the balls?"

"Yes, dear."

"OK. I break up one of the rice balls and use it to jam the westmost and southmost doors. I pick the eastmost lock and escape through it, bearing left. I open the third door I come to."

Shikamaru nodded. "That's the kitchen."

"That's what I thought. This is laid out like a typical training-exercise, I know where the kitchen is."

"Well, I didn't have much time to set up something creative before you started bitching about your feet."

"Yeah, yeah. So, I'm in the kitchen. There are three guards within twenty feet, so it is possible, using a standard frying pan and standard cooking oil, to fry the rice balls to a light golden-brown without the fizzing being overheard. I blot them out and place them in my weapons pouch. The remaining rice ball I leave in the oil until it just begins to burn, opening the door and wafting the air into the hall. The delicious smell attracts the guards; they come to investigate, whereon I throw the boiling oil in their faces and disarm them, using one of their own weapons to kill them. I then proceed down the hallway once more, towards the north exit. By crumbling the burnt rice ball ahead of me and wafting the smell forward, luring the guards back, I am able to take out the two by the stairs."

"And then you go out the back door?" Shikamaru asked. "Suppose I tell you that the guards there are suffering from hay fever and can't smell?"

"That's when I take out the ones in my pouch, smartass. A simple transformation jutsu will change me into one of the incapacitated guards, and I can offer the spare rice balls, which I will of course have laced with the appropriate poison."

"They took your medical kit away when they captured you, obviously."

"They took my obvious medical kit away from me. My rations kit contains antidotes to common food poisons, which can, with a little manipulation and the type of skill that I possess, be turned into makeshift poisons. The guards, unable to resist deep-fried rice, one of those comfort foods that can be tasted through hay fever, eat the rice balls and die, leaving me free to escape."

"Not the best option; the exit on the east side would be your fastest escape route."

"It has more guards, and it's further from the kitchen. The fried aspect of my plan is crucial."

She looked up at him triumphantly, and he smiled back fondly. "Top score, then."

"I told you, with rice balls, I can do anything."

He shook his head a little, still watching her as if mesmerized. "I love you, Sakura."

Oh, baby, baby, talk strategic operation simulation to me! Yukari remarked sarcastically. It gets me all hot.

I told you we were a good-enough match, Sakura said. We're both smarter than anybody else I know. None of my other friends do stuff like this for fun.

Yukari didn't reply, but she did make a huffing noise that suggested maybe her other friends had a better general idea what 'fun' was supposed to entail.

"Shikamaru?" Sakura asked, choosing to ignore her spiritual guide, as usual.

"Yes?"

"Do you smell burning?"

"Uh..." Shikamaru sniffed the air and promptly coughed. "Yeah, it's really..."

"Coming from the pot I asked you to watch?" Sakura suggested, nodding at the black smoke billowing from the pot of frying rice balls. Shikamaru jumped around.

"Oh... SHIT!"

"Sorry, Chouji," Sakura held up the Tupperware container of her signature rice balls. "It's not a full batch... SOMEBODY was too distractable to pay attention to a pot of boiling oil for five minutes."

"Oh, pipe down," Shikamaru rolled his eyes next to her. They were standing at the gate to the Akamichi's backyard, and Sakura could smell a barbeque going beyond the fence. The nice thing about Chouji's birthday was that there was always food. Delicious food.

Shikamaru hugged Chouji. "Happy birthday, buddy."

Chouji wrapped his arms around his friend and lifted him about a foot off the ground. Not unexpectedly, Chouji had grown into the tallest and largest of the Konoha kids, and towered over her and Shikamaru. Shikamaru, indeed, looked particularly twig-like next to his friend, maybe because Sakura was so used them being closer in height. "Thanks, pal! And Sakura!" Chouji set Shikamaru down and thumped Sakura on the back, which jolted her forward a few steps. "Thanks for the rice balls! They're exactly what I wanted!"

Oh, I hope his mother is doing the cooking, Sakura thought, she makes the BEST hamburgers, I swear.

Oh, really? Yukari coughed. Well, that's nice.

"I'm so glad you guys came out!" Chouji continued enthusiastically.

"Would we miss your birthday?" Shikamaru asked, patting Chouji's middle back. (He couldn't reach his shoulder). "Come on, let us in, I'm dying for a beer."

Chouji moved aside and followed them into the garden, where, sure enough, a table had been set up and overfilled with food. Nearby was a cooler and a smoldering barbeque.

"If you find any place on the table, go ahead and stick the rice balls there," Chouji told her, but Sakura wasn't listening. She absently handed the tupperware to Chouji and made an ungainly dash towards the table.

What's with you?

I smell potato salad, Sakura explained.

"Sakura? You all right?" Chouji asked as Sakura began casting around for a plate.

"Yeah," Shikamaru laughed, "Junior just has a serious addiction to potato salad. She eats about his weight in the stuff every week."

Hmm, Yukari thought to her, Last time you wanted cheetos and strawberries.

What of it?

Just, the salad is much less weird. I'm just sayin'.

"So, where's Ino?" Shikamaru asked. Sakura dropped the tongs in the salad.

"She's just getting the burgers," Chouji said, "We were going to have them cooked before you got here, but what with... er..." Chouji turned a little red, "We got sidetracked."

Shikamaru gave Sakura knowing wink and nudged Chouji. "Ah... Well, it's your birthday, bud."

The baby's urgent need for potato salad overcame Sakura's brief shock at hearing Ino's name, and she went back to shoveling salad onto her plate.

"I heard my name!" The backdoor of the house swung open, and Ino burst out with a "kiss the cook" apron and a plate of raw hamburgers. "SHIKAMARU! SAKURA! I didn't hear you come in!"

She spun past Shikamaru, kissed Chouji on the cheek, set the plate down on a chair, and wrapped her arms around Sakura. "Hey there, Sakura. Say, I know that you're eating for two, but the second person is about the size of a puppy, not my father-in-law. You wanna leave a little potato salad for the rest of us?"

Father-in-law?

Chouji's father. I figure you know him, 'cause I don't.

Aw... Ino and Chouji? Can I do everything in my power to make this reality happen?

No complaining that Ino is supposed to be into women, and by women I mean you?

Yukari, I'm sure you have some smug explanation to prove that you're more secure with sexuality than I am, but I'm so over questioning this potion.

"Ino," Sakura rolled her eyes and took some more salad. "Talk to me when you're the knocked-up one."

Ino grinned. "Hey, Sakura, guess what I'm going to do?"

"What?"

"Have a beer."

"Great, now I'm going to have to carry you and Chouji and Shikamaru's drunken asses to bed because none of you are responsible enough to stop when you're ahead."

Ino giggled. "Laugh when you've got an adorable baby to brag about, then, but the InoShikaChou birthday parties are long-standing traditions, and trying to feel solidarity with my pregnant best friend is not enough to prevent me from having a couple. And, seriously, darling, ease up on the potato salad so you've got some room for the burgers. I went through all the trouble to make sure that we'd have enough for everybody. Yo, Chouji!" Ino nuzzled Sakura's cheek and pulled away, untying her apron. She bundled up the cloth and tossed it to Chouji. "Your turn to cook!"

Chouji put the apron on, although it couldn't be said that he and Ino had enough in common structurally for it to really fit him. "Right, coming! Shika, you want yours well-done?"

"You know how I like 'em," Shikamaru said, grabbing a beer bottle off of the table. He twisted off the cap and took a gulp, only to choke and spray beer across the lawn. "Damn hot Guinness!" he gasped. "Chouji, didn't anyone ever teach you the necessity of ice?"

"Yeah, genius," Ino said, kicking the cooler next to her feet. "Didn't anyone ever teach you to look at your surroundings? Geez, you show a man a beer, and his brain just shuts down, right, Sakura?"

"Yeah, well, you show a pregnant woman a bowl of potato salad, and look what happens," Shikamaru muttered, bending to get another, cooler beer, and leaving his neck foolishly exposed. Sakura kicked the cooler lid down on him.

"OW! Hey!"

"Leave me out of this!"

Chouji, by the grill, coughed uncomfortably. "Hey, guys? Can't we just talk about... sex or something?"

Later, after the burgers were ready, the radio was playing quietly in the background, and all four of them had settled down to a good time, Sakura found something was grating on her nerves.

"Only two more weeks, right, Sakura?" Ino asked, and it took her awhile to realize what she was talking about.

"Well, the due date's June 2nd, but those are never right," Shikamaru said, wrapping an arm around Sakura's shoulders.

"Someone's been counting since day one," Chouji laughed.

"Someone's been counting since before day zero," Sakura said, elbowing her husband. "Don't think he didn't know what he was doing."

"You caught me," Shikamaru said. "My biological clock's been going since I was about sixteen, you know," He leaned over to kiss her stomach. "That's my little boy."

There it was. "You don't know it's going to be a boy, you know," Sakura said.

"Of course he will be," Shikamaru laughed.

"And if it's not?"

"Don't talk like that, Sakura, not when I already have the names picked out."

"So, having a daughter would be the end of the world, would it?"

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. "What's gotten into you all of a sudden? Are you having one of your crazy pregnancy mood swings?"

Sakura shrugged his arm off coldly and turned to Ino. "Ino, dear, I have a bit of a headache... must be the heat. Do you mind if I have a little lie-down?"

"Of course not," Ino said, smiling graciously, "You know where our room is. Come on out when you feel better, we still haven't gotten the cake out yet." She leaned in closer to Sakura and whispered, "And don't worry, I can handle these two. I've been doing it for years."

Wonder what she meant by that? Yukari asked curiously as Sakura made her way through the Akamichi residence.

With Ino, who knows? Anyway, I just want a flashback. She found the bedroom and sat down experimentally on the bed. You know, I was hoping that Shikamaru had gotten over his tendency to be a chauvinistic prick in this reality, but it just goes to show you... Hmm... lying down is going to be problematic with Baby here...

You just have to lie on your side; you'll get the hang of it. See, that's not so bad, now, is it? Ready for your flashback?

Yes, I suppose. Send it in.

Sakura and Yukari found themselves in a clean little apartment, filled with flowers and baby-related objects. (Sakura stretched a little, did a few jumping-jacks, and otherwise enjoyed the sensation of not having a fetus attached at her stomach.) At the table sat a blue-haired young woman holding a baby, and standing next to the kitchen counter, talking on the phone, was a curly-haired woman.

"No, Shikamaru," she was saying, rubbing her forehead tiredly, "I have a babysitter for tonight... Yes, I know I didn't ask you... No, I'm not going to tell you who the babysitter is... YES, they are perfectly responsible. Shikamaru, you are not the only person in Konoha who knows how to care for a baby! Look, I have to go, I've got to take care of my child. Yes, goodbye, Shikamaru."

Kurenai sighed heavily as she hung up the phone. "I swear, Hinata, the hardest part of motherhood is fending that boy off," she said to the young woman holding the baby.

"H-he means well, I suppose," Hinata said.

"Oh, I know he does! But he's absolutely obsessive! I don't want Hidan to remember his father as the teacher of a crazy stalker! What kind of message does that leave?" Kurenai ran her fingers through her hair distractedly before claiming the baby from Hinata. "Who's a good little boy? Yes, you are! Yes, you are..."

"Hmm," Yukari remarked to Sakura. "Hidan seems like an... odd name, under the circumstances, don't you think?"

Sakura blinked. "What circumstances?"

Yukari turned red. "Uh, nothing, I... just... uh... think Hidan is a weird name."

"Oh, it's a family name," Sakura said, "A lot of men in Kurenai's family are named that. I'm pretty sure it's her grandfather's name or something."

Kurenai kissed baby Hidan on the forehead before handing him back to Hinata. "I have to run, love, but I'll be back tomorrow."

"Don't rush your mission, though, Sensei," Hinata said, "We'll be fine here. We'll have a grand old time, won't we, Hidan?"

Baby Hidan giggled, and Kurenai managed to look a little less tense. "All right. I'll be back soon, though."

Kurenai left, and Hidan, seeing that Mommy wasn't directly in front of him, decided that she was never coming back, and started crying.

"See what you're in for, Sakura?" Yukari asked snidely. Sakura rolled her eyes.

"I'm not having children YET. I haven't even gotten to my day with Sasuke!"

Hinata just barely quieted Hidan when the door swung open gently.

"Hinata?" Kiba poked his head through the door. "We're here."

"Come on in!"

The room dissolved as Kiba and Shino entered the room, and reappeared with the three of them sitting on the floor, the baby in Shino's lap playing with a stuffed cow.

"So, Shikamaru," Kiba says, "Am I allowed to beat the tar out of him now?"

"No, Kiba-kun," Hinata said, "He's trying to help. He's just... just..."

"Obnoxious?" Shino suggested.

"Y-yeah. And a little unhinged."

"He's harassing Kurenai and li'l Hidan!" Kiba snapped.

"Y-yeah, but beating him up won't help anything."

"He needs to get a life of his own," Shino muttered. "If only we knew where to find one for him."

Hinata raised her hand while staring at the ground. Shino nodded at her.

"Hinata, we're sitting in a circle in Kurenai's living room, you don't need to raise your hand to speak."

"I-I-I... have an... idea. I... er... I know someone who could take Shikamaru's mind off of Kurenai..."

The room once again changed to what appeared to be Hinata's bedroom. She was sitting on the bed, talking on the phone. "S-So... S-S-Sakura... I wondered i-if maybe you wanted to c-c-come hang out wi-wi-with me and Kurenai tomorrow..."

Yet again, the scene changed, now into a nice outdoor café, where Hinata and Kurenai were waiting, with Hidan in a highchair gnawing on a sippy cup.

"You're sure this will work?" Kurenai asked Hinata. Hinata patted her hand.

"O-of course. They'll be perfect."

"Thank you for doing this for me, Hinata. He's driving me insane."

"I-I know. Th-that's why... I wanted to help, Sensei. Y-you and Hidan-chan have enough pr-problems without a stalker..."

"Say, what are you guys doing here?" Shikamaru appeared, almost out of nowhere, and tapped Hinata on the shoulder. She went rigid with shock.

"Having a bit of a girls' day out," Kurenai said smoothly. "Celebrate my getting back from my mission."

"You should have told me," Shikamaru said, pulling up a chair. "I'd have watched Hidan for you. He shouldn't be out in the sun like this, anyway."

Sakura made an entry very similar to Shikamaru's, appearing out of nowhere and tapping the boy on the shoulder. "Actually," she said when Shikamaru froze the way Hinata had, "growing children need sun; it's a source of Vitamin D for them. Their bones form oddly, otherwise. Hey, Hinata, I thought you said this was a girls-only lunch."

"Well, Shikamaru decided that he meets the criteria," Kurenai said with a smile, but Sakura didn't hear. She was waving at little Hidan, who waved his sippy cup back.

"Hello, there, little guy!" she said in a bright, high voice. "Are you out with your Mommy? You are, aren't you? Yes you are! Daw, wittle baby! A googa-googa-goo! A googa-googa-goo!"

Only Yukari and Real Sakura noticed Hinata look at Kurenai and mouth, "I may have made a mistake."

Shikamaru smiled at Sakura and the baby. "Isn't he cute?"

"Yes, he's adorable! Oh, I love babies!"

Yukari raised an eyebrow at Real Sakura.

"What? I do!" she shrugged.

"Sakura," Kurenai said, "Hinata and I were going to go shopping, but Hidan gets all fussy when we take him in shops... do you want to take him to the park?"

"I'd love to!" Sakura said, picking Hidan up. "I'm very responsible, just so you don't worry; I've had all the training courses, and I work on the maternity ward sometimes on shift."

Kurenai and Hinata grinned widely. "I'm sure you'll be wonderful. We'll meet you here in about two hours?"

"Sure!"

"Shikamaru-kun, are you coming?" Hinata whispered. Shikamaru shook his head vaguely.

"Nah, shopping's too much of a bother. I'll just... hang out..."

And that's how you met your husband, Yukari said as the flashback faded.

So... we got married because Kurenai was trying to shake a stalker?

And Hinata thought you two made a good match. Babies and strategy theory, what more could you want in a girl?

Sakura groaned as she opened her eyes and realized that she was back in her pregnant body and floral mumu. Ugh. Well, sorry to disappoint Ms Hyuuga, but I'm not marrying this guy. Shikamaru's only worth it if he's going to grow up.

Swaying to get used to her new balance, Sakura made her way back to the yard, where InoShikaChou were still hanging out.

"Look who's up!" Chouji shouted when he saw her, waving her over.

"Oh, good!" said Ino, sitting uncomfortably close to Chouji. "Because Shikamaru has something very important to tell you!"

"Really?" Sakura walked over and rested her hand on Chouji's shoulder, raising an eyebrow at Shikamaru, across from them.

"I... I love you very much..." Shikamaru said contritely

"And?" Ino prompted.

"And I respect you and think you are an amazing woman."

"And?"

"And I would be honored to be the father of your daughter."

"Good boy," Ino said. She turned her head up to smile at Sakura. "You've got to be firm with him, or he'll go off into one of his weird dreamworlds wherein men are somehow superior."

Sakura sighed and waddled over to Shikamaru. "Thanks, Ino. I'll take it from here."

Shikamaru clung to her knees before she could sit down. "They're so mean to me when you aren't looking, Sakura."

Sakura patted his head.

"Well, Shika, you totally deserved it," Chouji said, "I'd love to have a kid, who cares what gender it is as long as you get a good one?"

He accompanied this by wrapping a piece of Ino's hair around his finger. Ino smiled flirtatiously and kissed his cheek.

"Not for a few more years, sweet."

"Are you sure, precious?" Chouji asked, pulling her closer. Ino hopped onto his lap.

"Absolutely positive, Choujikins," she whispered.

"Pretty please, sugar pumpkin?"

"No sombrero, no fiesta, babydoll."

Shikamaru and Sakura looked at each other.

"Can we leave?" Shikamaru whispered.

"I think we'd better," Sakura nodded, glancing suspiciously at Ino and Chouji as Ino pushed Chouji into the grass.

"So... uh...happy birthday, Chouji... we'll... uh... see you around..." Shikamaru said cautiously as he and Sakura backed toward the gate.

"Yeah, bye, guys," Ino raised her head for a moment, but only a moment.

Sakura and Shikamaru walked back to the Nara property, hand in hand. Or, rather, Shikamaru walked slowly and Sakura waddled. Waddling was the only form of transportation when you had a bowling ball-sized growth on you.

The sun was setting when they arrived back at their home, and both of them agreed that it was just too beautiful an evening to spend inside.

"I'll get the go set, you stay out here," Shikamaru said when they got to the back porch, the one overlooking the forest. The Nara house itself was small, but the property it sat on was huge and covered with beautiful forest, and the porch rested right up against the woods. Sakura sat there, waiting for Shikamaru, absently stroking her stomach and watching the sun go down over the tree tops.

She wasn't sure how long the deer was there before she noticed it. It could have been standing there the entire time, for all she knew. It was a huge thing, with incredibly long, twisted antlers, and its face was almost... somehow... human...

Maybe the hormones are affecting me, she sighed. The deer stalked up to her slowly, but not cautiously, and bent its head down to nuzzle against her stomach. Very slowly, Sakura raised her hand to rest against the deer's neck. It didn't bolt, but it looked up into her eyes.

You're such a nature goddess, Sakura! Yukari crowed. Preggers Sakura: Deer Whisperer!

Shut up, Yukari. You're ruining the moment.

"Hello, there," Shikamaru said quietly from behind her. The deer raised its head higher, appeared to see him, and then lowered his head once more to nuzzle Sakura.

"They all really love you, Sakura," Shikamaru continued, padding over to her and sitting down beside her. He reached out to pat the deer. "Must be something about you."

Sakura blushed.

"And the whole forest is excited about this baby," Shikamaru said.

"He's going to be the lord of the forest, huh?" Sakura asked. Shikamaru kissed her cheek.

"Well, someday, Sakura, yeah. Or...the lady of the forest, in any case."

Sakura smiled. "You're getting better at this game, at least."

The deer rested its muzzle against the top of her head, then withdrew a few steps. Before turning around, he lowered his head as if bowing to the couple.

The baby kicked again, gently, but Shikamaru felt it.

"You know I love you, right, Sakura?"

"Of course."

"And you know that I love our child, right?"

"I know," Sakura sighed, wrapping an arm around his waist. "We're going to be a very happy family, aren't we? Just you, me, Junior, and the deer."

"And Ino and Chouji."

"And Ino and Chouji."

"And Naruto and Sasuke and Hinata and Tenten and Kiba and Shino and Rock Lee and-,"

"Shh," Sakura cut him off, "Let's just pretend that we could be solitary, if we wanted it."

Shikamaru sighed. "Yeah. Yes, you, me, Junior, and the deer. That sounds about perfect."

The sun was almost down, now, and Sakura couldn't see anything around her. It wasn't until the baby stopped kicking that she realized that her day with Shikamaru was over.

Let's see who's next, Mama Sakura.

Wow, Yukari, I feel like we've been doing this for about two and a half years.

Nope, more like two weeks. But that's ok, I've heard pregnancy makes some women a bit loopy, no wonder you're disorganized.

Hey, shut up!

A/N: The Fortune of Mrs. Sakura! We update almost as often as YuGiOh the Abridged Series!