SUEvivor.
A/N: This is yet another Mary Sue parody. They're just so gosh darn parody-able! I must say that I love Mary Sues. I love to mock, parody, and spork them and their authors every chance I get! So if you like this fic, please review! If you don't, keep it to yourself. Thank you.
CHALLENGE 1: HANDLEING MARY SUE SITUATIONS. BETTER THEN IT SOUNDS.
//now you hear
the voice of the host//
Ten Mary Sues...Five challenges...One
winner...Who will be the ultimate SUEvivor//theme music starts and
you see pictures of the Mary Sues go by, along with there
names//
Aradia, Dumbledore's granddaughter.
Keanna, Voldemort's
daughter.
Sandrena, Mcgonagal's niece.
Stormy, foreign exchange
student from America.
Harriet, Harry's long lost twin
sister.
Forrest, the new defense against the dark arts
teacher.
Rose Petal, the just normal, random Sue.
Jade, the
author 'cleverly' inserted into the fic.
Adreana, the marauder
Sue.
Vixen, the half-breed Sue.
Only one can be...The SUEvivor!
All the Mary Sues walked up to where the host (that's me!) stood. They tossed their long, beautiful, shiny hair and for some reason, they walked in slow motion.
"Welcome, Mary Sues. I am your host, Jade." Jade the host said.
"OMG! That's my name, too!" Jade the Sue cried, once again tossing her shimmering blond hair that reached to her knees and flashing that dazzling smile.
"Really? You think it's dazzling? Oh, um, anyway. You all know why your here, to compete for the title of Ultimate Harry Potter Mary Sue. You will all complete nine challenges and at the end of every episode, you will vote one of your fellow Sues out. Keanna, your the daughter of the Dark Lord Voldemort. Are you worried about being voted out?" Jade the Host asked.
Keanna pushed
her long, black, red streaked hair out of her face and smiled, her
red eyes flashing. "Of course not! I am Voldemort's daughter,
therefore I have all of his powers and all of his intelligence. Why
should I be worried when I can telepathically kill anyone who tries
to vote me out?" she asked.
"Uh, Keanna, no murdering
allowed. Sorry." Jade the Host told her.
Oh...OK."
Keanna looked shocked.
"Anyway, now I will bring you all to
the home you will be sharing for your stay on the show. Please follow
me." Jade the Host said, leading the Mary Sues up a huge hill
and into Hogwarts.
They stopped in front of a shiny golden door.
"This is Hogwart's Mary Sue wing. Ever since the dawning of
Harry Potter fan fiction have Mary Sues lived here. Behold...Your new
home!!!!" Jade the Host flung the doors open and shielded her
eyes from the blinding flash of light that exploded from the
room.
When it faded, everyone was looking into a big, glittering
living room filled with fluffy pink chairs and bean bags.
"Now,
there are two bed rooms in here. Five of you will get one room, and
five of you will get the other. There are also two bath rooms, one
kitchen, and this one living room. Also, Hogwarts is out at the
time, so you
will not be bothered by all the boys." Jade the Host said.
All
the Sues groaned and whined about that. "But the boys are the
best part!" Stormy whined, falling to her knees dramatically.
Seeing as how she was from America, she was MUCH smarter then
everyone else, even though she spends her time being slutier then
everyone else, wearing inappropriate clothes, and doing everything
better then everyone else, but never studying. She was naturally
smart. She also had wavy blond hair with streaks of blue and green,
eyes that changed color when she wanted them to, and a really tiny
skirt and top. Yes, I am thinking of an actual OC in a real fan fic,
but I'm to nice to say what fic it is.
"Hey, hey, hey! Stop
being stupid! There will be plenty to keep you guys busy while your
here! Now, settle in and I'll come back when it's time for your first
challenge." Jade the Host said as she left the Sue Wing.
"Wow, this place is like, super awesome!" Jade the Sue
said, flopping on to a bean bag.
" Yes, I suppose these
accommodations are acceptable." Said Sandrena, because that's
how smart people talk.
"I was hoping to meet my brother here.
We have a prophecy to fulfill, after all." Harriet said. Since
she was Harry's twin, she looked almost just like him, only drop dead
beautiful and with a half moon scar on her forehead.
"Yes, my
father did mention you. He was rather pleased to learn that there was
another person close to Harry that he could use as bate." Keanna
said.
"He won't use me as bate! I'm Harry's sister Sue, I
will defeat Voldemort and save the wizarding world." Harriet
informed her.
"Dream on, little girl. My father also hates
you." Keanna said to Aradia.
"Why?" Aradia asked.
She was very Sueish, with silver hair and eyes.
"Duh! Because
your the grand daughter of his greatest enemy besides the Potter's!"
Keanna said like it was so obvious. "What kind of name is
Aradia, anyway?"
"I was named after the goddess of
magic. What kind of name is Keanna?" Aradia said angrily.
"A
very Mary Sue name." Keanna said.
"Girls, girls, let us
try to get along." Said Forrest. She was also beautiful, with
long brown hair, and 'curves in all the right places (not the curves!
Noooo!).' Of course, if this were just a normal Sue fic, she would
make Snape fall in love with her.
Adreana hated Forrest because
she was in love with Snape. And James. And Sirius. And Lupin. Adreana
had blood red hair that would make Ariel jealous and flashing gray
eyes.
"I hope I do well on this challenge. I'm not good at
anything." Rose Petal said, even though she was great at
everything. She was just the typical Mary Sue, with long blond hair,
sparkling blue eyes, a tragic past, 'curves in all the right places,'
and an insane amount of talent and love.
"I think we'll all
do great." Aradia said happily. "But for now we should
probably try to decide who gets what room."
"As long as
there's a bed, I'm happy!" Jade said.
"I think I should
get a room all to myself." Vixen announced. When everyone
starred at her, she continued. "I mean, so I can safely
transform into a wolf every night and not hurt you guys."
Everyone kept staring. Her yellow wolf eyes flashed dangerously and
she flicked her cat ears in annoyance. "Fine, I'll just go some
where else to transform!" She snapped.
"Right, all the
smart Sues go in one room and the others go in the next."
Forrest commanded.
"But, we're all geniuses." Stormy
pointed out.
"Yes, but some of us are more intelligent them
others." Sandrena told them. "So, Forrest, Vixen, Aradia,
Keanna, and I will go in the first room and Jade, Stormy, Rose Petal,
Adreana and Harriet will get the second."
All the Sues
grabbed their stuff and headed into the bed room.
The first one
was pink and fuzzy, with pictures of super hot guys all over the
walls and a flat screen TV. the beds were huge with way too many
pillows.
"Well, this is not what I signed up for." Vixen
said, highly annoyed.
In the next
room, the Sues were having almost the same experience.
The room
had five huge wood framed beds and covering the walls were book
shelves. There was also a wizard chess game in the corner.
"There's
no way in hell I'm stayin' here." Stormy said.
Just then
Keanna popped in.
"We're trading rooms. You have no choice in
the matter." She said, but the others had already ran into the
other room and started jumping on the water beds.
"Darn. I
really wanted to have to force them with my powers." Keanna
said, putting her clothes in the humongous closet.
Back in the pink Sue room, all the girls were starring in awe at the closet. Theirs was the size of a small trailer home, but it was just perfect for holding their millions of clothes that were so skimpy they would make Brittany Spears cringe in shame.
"I can totally get used to this!" Jade the Sue said.
XOXOXOXO
A while later, Jade the Host came back in.
"I'm glad your all settled in. I've been watching you on the hidden cameras." she said.
"OMG! There's cameras?! Hi mom!" Jade the Sue and Stormy started waving at the camera.
"Yes, well anyway, it's time for your first challenge. Will you all follow me?" Jade the Host asked as she left the room.
She lead the
Mary Sues through the castle and into the great hall. There were only
two tables set up. One was long, with ten seats and the other was
smaller and only had two chairs.
There was already someone sitting
at the little table. A really tall girl with curly hair and a Green
Day tee shirt.
"Sues, this is my sister, Raven. She will be helping me judge you on this challenge." Jade the Host said. "Now, please sit down."
She waited until all the Sues had sat down before she continued.
"Since this is your first challenge, we decided to make it easier for you. The challenges will get harder as they go along. For this one, we will ask you each questions that all Mary Sues should be able to answer and we will judge based on your answer. Are you ready?"
All the Sues nodded.
"Good. The first question is for Rose Petal: All Mary Sues have a horribly tragic past. What is yours like?" Jade the Host asked.
Rose Petal blinked back tears. "Well, when my father found out my mother was a witch, he beat her to death then killed himself. I had to go to an orphanage where they starved me and hit me and made me into a slave! Then I escaped and came to Hogwarts."
Jade the Host and Raven stopped sobbing long enough to write something on a clip board.
"W-wow. //sniff// Good answer! Next question is for Stormy. What comes to mind when I say handcuffs, a shower curtain, and chocolate syrup?" Jade the Host asked.
Stormy thought
for a second, then said "my date with Draco Malfoy."
Jade
the Host and Raven shook their heads and wrote something else on the
clipboards.
"Now," Raven said. "This question is for Jade the Sue: What would you do if you got a very low grade on your potions test?"
"Well, I would say: Oh, Pro. Snape! There must be some mistake! I studied so hard. Please give me a second chance! Maybe I could even come down here after dinner and you could help me with it?" Large fake tears started to form in Jade the Sue's big, dark brown eyes.
"OK, very
impressive. Next question is for Harriet: What would you do if Draco
Malfoy walked in as you were taking a shower?" Jade the Host
asked.
Harriet thought for a minute. "I would say 'oh, come
on in. I'm almost done anyway. Could you hand me the soap?' "
"Wow, very
trampy! Good answer for a Sue! OK, Sandrena, get ready for this
question. It's very important." Jade the Host said.
Sandrena
looked serious, ready to answer the toughest of questions.
"Santa
Clause, a dumb brunette, and a smart blond jump off a cliff. Who
lands first?" Jade the Host asked.
"What?! A blond
joke?!" Sandrena screams.
"I find this highly
offensive." Rose Petal said.
"Oh relax! It's just a
joke. Hey, we're blond and we think it's funny!" Raven said. (if
you take offense to that joke, it's just a joke. We all no it's not
true.)
"So, what is the answer?" Jade the Host
asked.
"Umm, Santa?" Sandrena said miserably.
"Oh, I'm
sorry! The correct answer is none of them land first because none of
them exist. Moving on. Adreana, all the make up in the world has
become toxic would you A) use it anyway. B) make your own make up, or
C) trick some one else into using it so you can see just how toxic it
is?" Raven asked.
"Oh, silly mortals! I don't need make
up! I'm naturally hot!" Adreana said with a laugh.
"That is
the correct answer, that was a trick question. Forrest! Snape has
killed Dumbledore, but you love him. Do you continue to love him or
not?" Jade the Host asked.
"No, I just have my author
re-write the last chapter of the Half Blood Prince so that he didn't
kill Dumbledore and I can go on loving him." Forrest answered.
"Good
answer. Vixen, Remus reveals to you that he's a ware wolf. How do you
react?" Raven asked.
"Obviously, I tell him that I'm a
ware wolf/cat and then we have sex." Vixen said simply.
"Of course.
Now Keanna, obviously Mary Sues cannot be bothered with school rules
and would never sink so low as to wearing the uniforms. How would you
get passed the uniform rules?" Jade the Host asked her.
"Well,
not only am I Voldemort's daughter, I am also rebel Sue, so I would
just wear what ever I want and ignore the people when they try to get
me to follow rules. They would never expel me because I am so very
pretty." Keanna tossed her hair.
"That's a good answer, but the one we were looking for was 'I would use my Sueish charms to trick the teachers into letting only me get away with it,' or 'I would cry and tell the teachers about my horrible life so they would pity me and let me get away with it.' But still, we can give you a few points for that." Jade the Host said.
"Last
question. Aradia, how many times have you made a stupidly gushy
sacrifice for love?" Raven asked the silver haired
beauty.
Aradia counted on her fingers several times before she
answered, "about 17 times, in different fics of course."
There
were shocked mummers from the judges and all the other Mary Sues at
that.
"Wow, that's a lot a times to die! Now, me and Raven will count up the score." Jade the Host said. "We will be deciding the winner based on who gave the best answer."
For what seemed
like 15 minutes, the judges talked quietly together. Then they looked
up.
"We have picked a Sue. The winner today will win immunity
so that they cannot be voted out of the game tonight. And the winner
is...
TWINTY MINUTES LATER.
"...Harriet Potter, you gave the most Sueish answer and you win immunity!" Jade the Host announced.
"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!!" Harriet screamed, jumping up and done.
"I'll see you tonight for the voting ceremony." Jade the Host said.
XOXOXOXO
//Jade the Sue is talking into her diary camera. All the Sues got one for the show//
"It's like, so unfair that Harriet won! I gave a super Sue answer! I think she paid the judges!" she fumed.
//Stormy's camera//
"This is so super terrible! What about my answer?! How could they pick that stupid little brat over someone like ME?!" she sobbed.
//Back in the living room, Harriet and Sandrena are talking//
"I think we
need to watch out for Stormy. I know she'll want revenge."
Sandrena whispers.
"Really? Do you think you could help me
watch out for her?" Harriet asked, wide eyed.
"Sure,
I'll help you." Sandrena said.
//Sandrena's
camera//
"Yeah, it's true. Harriet won the first immunity, so
that leads me to believe she's a pretty tough opponent. I hope that
if I get on her good side, I can bring her down!" Sandrena
cackled.
// Harriet's
cam//
"I totally know about Sandrena's stupid plan. Unlike my
twin, I was born knowing legimens so I read her mind. Well, she's not
getting to me that easily!" Harriet smiled.
//Rose
Petal's cam//
"I have no idea what's going on, but I sense
drama!"
XOXOXOXO
All the Mary Sues were gathered in the Great Hall once again.
This time the
sorting hat was on the table. Jade the Host was standing in front of
it.
"Welcome Sues." She said. "Now, one by one, go
up to the sorting hat, write the name of the person you want to vote
out, and drop it in the hat. Harriet, you go first because you won
immunity."
Harriet walked
up to the sorting hat and wrote 'Sandrena' on her paper.
After
five minutes, all the Mary Sues had voted.
"I'll tally
up the votes." Jade the Host said as she picked up a piece of
paper from inside the hat.
"First vote goes
to...Keanna."
Keanna glared at everyone around her.
"Next
vote goes to...Sandrena. This one says...What the hell does it
say?!" Jade the Host squinted at the word. It was writen in
scribly yet some how beautiful writting.
"Let me see."
Stormy snatched the paper away. "It says Where Wulf
Gurl."
"That's how you write?! Jeez, you need to go back
to school. Anyway, one vote Vixen, one vote Keanna, and one vote
Sandrena." Jade the Host pulled out another piece of
paper.
"Adreana."
Next one. "Adreana."
"Keanna."
"Aradia." Adreana." "Forrest."
"And
the first person voted out of Hogwarts is...
TWINTY MINUTES LATER...
"...Adreana."
There were gasps all around the Great Hall at that and Adreana's jaw dropped. She stood up defiantly. "You'll all be sorry!" She announced and then she stormed out of the room.
"Mary Sues, please return to your room and get some sleep." Jade the Host said. " You'll be very busy tomorrow."
END OF EPISODE ONE.
SCENCES FOR NEXT
WEEKS EPISODE: "I can't do this!" Sandrena sobbed on the
floor.
"No one knows it yet, but I have something that will
help me win today's challenge." Rose Petal grinned, showing cute
little dimples.
"Harriet is a total back stabbing bee- octh!"
Sandrena hissed.
END NOTES: Oooo, what's gonna happen next week?! I know this first chapter isn't that funny, but this is kinda the introductory chapter. The next one will be better, so please keep reading! And don't forget to review!