SUEvivor.

A/N: This is yet another Mary Sue parody. They're just so gosh darn parody-able! I must say that I love Mary Sues. I love to mock, parody, and spork them and their authors every chance I get! So if you like this fic, please review! If you don't, keep it to yourself. Thank you.

CHALLENGE 1: HANDLEING MARY SUE SITUATIONS. BETTER THEN IT SOUNDS.

//now you hear the voice of the host//
Ten Mary Sues...Five challenges...One winner...Who will be the ultimate SUEvivor//theme music starts and you see pictures of the Mary Sues go by, along with there names//
Aradia, Dumbledore's granddaughter.
Keanna, Voldemort's daughter.
Sandrena, Mcgonagal's niece.
Stormy, foreign exchange student from America.
Harriet, Harry's long lost twin sister.
Forrest, the new defense against the dark arts teacher.
Rose Petal, the just normal, random Sue.
Jade, the author 'cleverly' inserted into the fic.
Adreana, the marauder Sue.
Vixen, the half-breed Sue.

Only one can be...The SUEvivor!

All the Mary Sues walked up to where the host (that's me!) stood. They tossed their long, beautiful, shiny hair and for some reason, they walked in slow motion.

"Welcome, Mary Sues. I am your host, Jade." Jade the host said.

"OMG! That's my name, too!" Jade the Sue cried, once again tossing her shimmering blond hair that reached to her knees and flashing that dazzling smile.

"Really? You think it's dazzling? Oh, um, anyway. You all know why your here, to compete for the title of Ultimate Harry Potter Mary Sue. You will all complete nine challenges and at the end of every episode, you will vote one of your fellow Sues out. Keanna, your the daughter of the Dark Lord Voldemort. Are you worried about being voted out?" Jade the Host asked.

Keanna pushed her long, black, red streaked hair out of her face and smiled, her red eyes flashing. "Of course not! I am Voldemort's daughter, therefore I have all of his powers and all of his intelligence. Why should I be worried when I can telepathically kill anyone who tries to vote me out?" she asked.
"Uh, Keanna, no murdering allowed. Sorry." Jade the Host told her.
Oh...OK." Keanna looked shocked.
"Anyway, now I will bring you all to the home you will be sharing for your stay on the show. Please follow me." Jade the Host said, leading the Mary Sues up a huge hill and into Hogwarts.
They stopped in front of a shiny golden door.
"This is Hogwart's Mary Sue wing. Ever since the dawning of Harry Potter fan fiction have Mary Sues lived here. Behold...Your new home!!!!" Jade the Host flung the doors open and shielded her eyes from the blinding flash of light that exploded from the room.
When it faded, everyone was looking into a big, glittering living room filled with fluffy pink chairs and bean bags.
"Now, there are two bed rooms in here. Five of you will get one room, and five of you will get the other. There are also two bath rooms, one kitchen, and this one living room. Also, Hogwarts is out at the

time, so you will not be bothered by all the boys." Jade the Host said.
All the Sues groaned and whined about that. "But the boys are the best part!" Stormy whined, falling to her knees dramatically. Seeing as how she was from America, she was MUCH smarter then everyone else, even though she spends her time being slutier then everyone else, wearing inappropriate clothes, and doing everything better then everyone else, but never studying. She was naturally smart. She also had wavy blond hair with streaks of blue and green, eyes that changed color when she wanted them to, and a really tiny skirt and top. Yes, I am thinking of an actual OC in a real fan fic, but I'm to nice to say what fic it is.
"Hey, hey, hey! Stop being stupid! There will be plenty to keep you guys busy while your here! Now, settle in and I'll come back when it's time for your first challenge." Jade the Host said as she left the Sue Wing.
"Wow, this place is like, super awesome!" Jade the Sue said, flopping on to a bean bag.
" Yes, I suppose these accommodations are acceptable." Said Sandrena, because that's how smart people talk.
"I was hoping to meet my brother here. We have a prophecy to fulfill, after all." Harriet said. Since she was Harry's twin, she looked almost just like him, only drop dead beautiful and with a half moon scar on her forehead.
"Yes, my father did mention you. He was rather pleased to learn that there was another person close to Harry that he could use as bate." Keanna said.
"He won't use me as bate! I'm Harry's sister Sue, I will defeat Voldemort and save the wizarding world." Harriet informed her.
"Dream on, little girl. My father also hates you." Keanna said to Aradia.
"Why?" Aradia asked. She was very Sueish, with silver hair and eyes.
"Duh! Because your the grand daughter of his greatest enemy besides the Potter's!" Keanna said like it was so obvious. "What kind of name is Aradia, anyway?"
"I was named after the goddess of magic. What kind of name is Keanna?" Aradia said angrily.
"A very Mary Sue name." Keanna said.
"Girls, girls, let us try to get along." Said Forrest. She was also beautiful, with long brown hair, and 'curves in all the right places (not the curves! Noooo!).' Of course, if this were just a normal Sue fic, she would make Snape fall in love with her.
Adreana hated Forrest because she was in love with Snape. And James. And Sirius. And Lupin. Adreana had blood red hair that would make Ariel jealous and flashing gray eyes.
"I hope I do well on this challenge. I'm not good at anything." Rose Petal said, even though she was great at everything. She was just the typical Mary Sue, with long blond hair, sparkling blue eyes, a tragic past, 'curves in all the right places,' and an insane amount of talent and love.
"I think we'll all do great." Aradia said happily. "But for now we should probably try to decide who gets what room."
"As long as there's a bed, I'm happy!" Jade said.
"I think I should get a room all to myself." Vixen announced. When everyone starred at her, she continued. "I mean, so I can safely transform into a wolf every night and not hurt you guys." Everyone kept staring. Her yellow wolf eyes flashed dangerously and she flicked her cat ears in annoyance. "Fine, I'll just go some where else to transform!" She snapped.
"Right, all the smart Sues go in one room and the others go in the next." Forrest commanded.
"But, we're all geniuses." Stormy pointed out.
"Yes, but some of us are more intelligent them others." Sandrena told them. "So, Forrest, Vixen, Aradia, Keanna, and I will go in the first room and Jade, Stormy, Rose Petal, Adreana and Harriet will get the second."
All the Sues grabbed their stuff and headed into the bed room.

The first one was pink and fuzzy, with pictures of super hot guys all over the walls and a flat screen TV. the beds were huge with way too many pillows.
"Well, this is not what I signed up for." Vixen said, highly annoyed.

In the next room, the Sues were having almost the same experience.
The room had five huge wood framed beds and covering the walls were book shelves. There was also a wizard chess game in the corner.
"There's no way in hell I'm stayin' here." Stormy said.
Just then Keanna popped in.
"We're trading rooms. You have no choice in the matter." She said, but the others had already ran into the other room and started jumping on the water beds.
"Darn. I really wanted to have to force them with my powers." Keanna said, putting her clothes in the humongous closet.

Back in the pink Sue room, all the girls were starring in awe at the closet. Theirs was the size of a small trailer home, but it was just perfect for holding their millions of clothes that were so skimpy they would make Brittany Spears cringe in shame.

"I can totally get used to this!" Jade the Sue said.

XOXOXOXO

A while later, Jade the Host came back in.

"I'm glad your all settled in. I've been watching you on the hidden cameras." she said.

"OMG! There's cameras?! Hi mom!" Jade the Sue and Stormy started waving at the camera.

"Yes, well anyway, it's time for your first challenge. Will you all follow me?" Jade the Host asked as she left the room.

She lead the Mary Sues through the castle and into the great hall. There were only two tables set up. One was long, with ten seats and the other was smaller and only had two chairs.
There was already someone sitting at the little table. A really tall girl with curly hair and a Green Day tee shirt.

"Sues, this is my sister, Raven. She will be helping me judge you on this challenge." Jade the Host said. "Now, please sit down."

She waited until all the Sues had sat down before she continued.

"Since this is your first challenge, we decided to make it easier for you. The challenges will get harder as they go along. For this one, we will ask you each questions that all Mary Sues should be able to answer and we will judge based on your answer. Are you ready?"

All the Sues nodded.

"Good. The first question is for Rose Petal: All Mary Sues have a horribly tragic past. What is yours like?" Jade the Host asked.

Rose Petal blinked back tears. "Well, when my father found out my mother was a witch, he beat her to death then killed himself. I had to go to an orphanage where they starved me and hit me and made me into a slave! Then I escaped and came to Hogwarts."

Jade the Host and Raven stopped sobbing long enough to write something on a clip board.

"W-wow. //sniff// Good answer! Next question is for Stormy. What comes to mind when I say handcuffs, a shower curtain, and chocolate syrup?" Jade the Host asked.

Stormy thought for a second, then said "my date with Draco Malfoy."
Jade the Host and Raven shook their heads and wrote something else on the clipboards.

"Now," Raven said. "This question is for Jade the Sue: What would you do if you got a very low grade on your potions test?"

"Well, I would say: Oh, Pro. Snape! There must be some mistake! I studied so hard. Please give me a second chance! Maybe I could even come down here after dinner and you could help me with it?" Large fake tears started to form in Jade the Sue's big, dark brown eyes.

"OK, very impressive. Next question is for Harriet: What would you do if Draco Malfoy walked in as you were taking a shower?" Jade the Host asked.
Harriet thought for a minute. "I would say 'oh, come on in. I'm almost done anyway. Could you hand me the soap?' "

"Wow, very trampy! Good answer for a Sue! OK, Sandrena, get ready for this question. It's very important." Jade the Host said.
Sandrena looked serious, ready to answer the toughest of questions.

"Santa Clause, a dumb brunette, and a smart blond jump off a cliff. Who lands first?" Jade the Host asked.
"What?! A blond joke?!" Sandrena screams.
"I find this highly offensive." Rose Petal said.
"Oh relax! It's just a joke. Hey, we're blond and we think it's funny!" Raven said. (if you take offense to that joke, it's just a joke. We all no it's not true.)
"So, what is the answer?" Jade the Host asked.
"Umm, Santa?" Sandrena said miserably.

"Oh, I'm sorry! The correct answer is none of them land first because none of them exist. Moving on. Adreana, all the make up in the world has become toxic would you A) use it anyway. B) make your own make up, or C) trick some one else into using it so you can see just how toxic it is?" Raven asked.
"Oh, silly mortals! I don't need make up! I'm naturally hot!" Adreana said with a laugh.

"That is the correct answer, that was a trick question. Forrest! Snape has killed Dumbledore, but you love him. Do you continue to love him or not?" Jade the Host asked.
"No, I just have my author re-write the last chapter of the Half Blood Prince so that he didn't kill Dumbledore and I can go on loving him." Forrest answered.

"Good answer. Vixen, Remus reveals to you that he's a ware wolf. How do you react?" Raven asked.
"Obviously, I tell him that I'm a ware wolf/cat and then we have sex." Vixen said simply.

"Of course. Now Keanna, obviously Mary Sues cannot be bothered with school rules and would never sink so low as to wearing the uniforms. How would you get passed the uniform rules?" Jade the Host asked her.
"Well, not only am I Voldemort's daughter, I am also rebel Sue, so I would just wear what ever I want and ignore the people when they try to get me to follow rules. They would never expel me because I am so very pretty." Keanna tossed her hair.

"That's a good answer, but the one we were looking for was 'I would use my Sueish charms to trick the teachers into letting only me get away with it,' or 'I would cry and tell the teachers about my horrible life so they would pity me and let me get away with it.' But still, we can give you a few points for that." Jade the Host said.

"Last question. Aradia, how many times have you made a stupidly gushy sacrifice for love?" Raven asked the silver haired beauty.
Aradia counted on her fingers several times before she answered, "about 17 times, in different fics of course."
There were shocked mummers from the judges and all the other Mary Sues at that.

"Wow, that's a lot a times to die! Now, me and Raven will count up the score." Jade the Host said. "We will be deciding the winner based on who gave the best answer."

For what seemed like 15 minutes, the judges talked quietly together. Then they looked up.
"We have picked a Sue. The winner today will win immunity so that they cannot be voted out of the game tonight. And the winner is...

TWINTY MINUTES LATER.

"...Harriet Potter, you gave the most Sueish answer and you win immunity!" Jade the Host announced.

"OH MY GOD! OH MY GOD!!!!" Harriet screamed, jumping up and done.

"I'll see you tonight for the voting ceremony." Jade the Host said.

XOXOXOXO

//Jade the Sue is talking into her diary camera. All the Sues got one for the show//

"It's like, so unfair that Harriet won! I gave a super Sue answer! I think she paid the judges!" she fumed.

//Stormy's camera//

"This is so super terrible! What about my answer?! How could they pick that stupid little brat over someone like ME?!" she sobbed.

//Back in the living room, Harriet and Sandrena are talking//

"I think we need to watch out for Stormy. I know she'll want revenge." Sandrena whispers.
"Really? Do you think you could help me watch out for her?" Harriet asked, wide eyed.
"Sure, I'll help you." Sandrena said.

//Sandrena's camera//
"Yeah, it's true. Harriet won the first immunity, so that leads me to believe she's a pretty tough opponent. I hope that if I get on her good side, I can bring her down!" Sandrena cackled.

// Harriet's cam//
"I totally know about Sandrena's stupid plan. Unlike my twin, I was born knowing legimens so I read her mind. Well, she's not getting to me that easily!" Harriet smiled.

//Rose Petal's cam//
"I have no idea what's going on, but I sense drama!"

XOXOXOXO

All the Mary Sues were gathered in the Great Hall once again.

This time the sorting hat was on the table. Jade the Host was standing in front of it.
"Welcome Sues." She said. "Now, one by one, go up to the sorting hat, write the name of the person you want to vote out, and drop it in the hat. Harriet, you go first because you won immunity."

Harriet walked up to the sorting hat and wrote 'Sandrena' on her paper.
After five minutes, all the Mary Sues had voted.

"I'll tally up the votes." Jade the Host said as she picked up a piece of paper from inside the hat.
"First vote goes to...Keanna."
Keanna glared at everyone around her.
"Next vote goes to...Sandrena. This one says...What the hell does it say?!" Jade the Host squinted at the word. It was writen in scribly yet some how beautiful writting.
"Let me see." Stormy snatched the paper away. "It says Where Wulf Gurl."
"That's how you write?! Jeez, you need to go back to school. Anyway, one vote Vixen, one vote Keanna, and one vote Sandrena." Jade the Host pulled out another piece of paper.
"Adreana."
Next one. "Adreana."
"Keanna." "Aradia." Adreana." "Forrest."
"And the first person voted out of Hogwarts is...

TWINTY MINUTES LATER...
"...Adreana."

There were gasps all around the Great Hall at that and Adreana's jaw dropped. She stood up defiantly. "You'll all be sorry!" She announced and then she stormed out of the room.

"Mary Sues, please return to your room and get some sleep." Jade the Host said. " You'll be very busy tomorrow."

END OF EPISODE ONE.

SCENCES FOR NEXT WEEKS EPISODE: "I can't do this!" Sandrena sobbed on the floor.
"No one knows it yet, but I have something that will help me win today's challenge." Rose Petal grinned, showing cute little dimples.
"Harriet is a total back stabbing bee- octh!" Sandrena hissed.

END NOTES: Oooo, what's gonna happen next week?! I know this first chapter isn't that funny, but this is kinda the introductory chapter. The next one will be better, so please keep reading! And don't forget to review!