Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME or the quote, which is by Julie de Lespinasse.

Chapter 25: First Step

She didn't know what to expect when she opened the door. She didn't even know what she was prepared to see. But that sight—the prone body on the couch, hands tucked up close to the face, hair a mess. So innocent, so fragile.

Frozen, she stood in the doorway, fearing that if she were to move, something would break. Her heart stilled and hummed with an ache she hadn't felt in so long.

So there she remained, too afraid to step forward, too brave to step back.

As she let her eyes flow over the other, she wondered, briefly, how long the bed sheets have been cold.

A twitch, a groan. And a sliver of burgundy appeared, slowly widening. They grew wider still when they found her.

"Natsuki."

A breath so twisted with disbelief.

She only smiled. That lump was back in her throat, and she could never talk very well with it.

"Natsuki, you're back."

She nodded.

"Un."

The tears ran unbidden down her cheeks. And she felt so weak, so weary. She felt so sick of all this, wondered if things could just be simple for once. It would be so easy to fall into familiar arms and just forget.

She took a step forward, tentative.

But she couldn't. Everything would just end up back here again, teetering on the brink of destruction.

She lifted her hand, not to wipe her now wet cheeks, but to gesture towards the couch.

"Why are you sleeping out here?"

The head tilted down, shielding.

"I...couldn't sleep. In there."

Up, and burgundy stared, so wanting, so pleading, so open.

"Without you."

Fuck.

She quickly looked up to the ceiling, trying her hardest not to drown. This was too much. It always was. Everything felt too much. She wanted to run. Again. To go back to when things were duller, back to when she was able to survive.

But, she knew she wouldn't live.

So she stayed, standing, crying, and hoping. Hoping so hard this other woman would stand up, hug her, tell her that this was the beginning, not the end.

She looked back down and was comforted that her eyes weren't the only ones glistening.

"Natsuki, why—why did you come back?"

Her smile turned sad, and she figured this was a first step.

"Because I can't see my life any other way."

"Natsuki."

It was deep and desperate, so she took those last few steps and sat on the couch. Not too close, not too far.

She had been hurt. She still hurt, and, really, she didn't think she'd ever not. But she'd been clinging for so long that she had a hard time remembering when she wasn't.

And she hated herself a little for that. But...that was all right.

So she put out her hand.

"Give me your hand."

The head tilted to the side.

"Please."

She extended her arm out more, not letting her gaze waver off burgundy. Slow and shaking, a hand fell in hers, and she squeezed. With care, she lifted their joined hands to her lips—a gasp—savoring the feel of soft skin.

She kept it there even as she spoke.

"We need to talk."

"I know."

The voice was breathy and only a titch distracted.

"No, you don't."

She played with the hand, shifted it, and let it smooth across her cheek. It stilled for a moment before its thumb started a gentle caress, almost in a sort of wonderment.

She took a deep breath, the air inflating what little courage she had accumulated.

"This isn't just some magical, one-time talk wherein we come out all fine and dandy after. We need to talk, Shizuru. Repeatedly. Frequently. And not that frilly 'oh, it's sunny today' shit. But I'm also not expecting us to lay our souls bare everyday. I'm kinda looking for that happy median. Do you...do you understand?"

She only received a nod, but, somehow, it felt like enough for now.

Things would take time. And it wouldn'tbe easy, but nothing worth it ever was. So she was prepared to wait. Prepared to fight. Prepared to make it work. Because it couldn't not.

She let herself lean into the hand and just be for a moment. It was comforting, really, to just sit there. To look and feel.

To feel.

"Shizuru, can I kiss you?"

She asked so candidly that the other woman's mouth fell open, at a loss. She didn't bother fighting off her grin.

"So, can I?"

The head shook and she swore she heard a chuckle.

"Of course, Natsuki."

She took the hand from her cheek, intertwined its fingers with hers, and leaned forward. Lips brushed so lightly, so chastely that she doubted it could even be called a kiss. When she pulled back and observed closed eyes and parted lips, she felt a burn somewhere deep. So she came back, hard but gentle, and felt the other tremble.

A little back, a little more forward. The burn grew larger and hotter.

Again.

Again.

And again until she was breathless and wanting.

But she stopped, pulled back.

There was still something she had to do, to say.

Her hands ran down the face, across the neck, and snuggled back into tawny threads, twisting and tangling.

"I'm sorry."

"Natsuki–"

"No, let me finish. I...I lied before. At the end of our last phone call."

She studied the bemused features carefully, waiting. Suddenly, comprehension sparked in those burgundy eyes before they settled into a makeshift stoicism that attempted to cover a sort of pain she knew she'd seen before.

Oh, how easy it would be for her to close her eyes, to blind herself once more.

But she was stronger than that.

"I do hate you."

Her delivery, as smooth as it was, betrayed nothing and did nothing to sooth the gasp, pitched high in pain.

She set a shaky smile on her lips before continuing.

"As you know, I'm not the best at sharing, much less putting words to my emotions. My feelings for you cannot be limited to something as simple as 'I hate you.' There's so much more that I can't... I, ah... Just let me say this quote. Then you can hit me or something."

A quick clearing of her throat allowed a moment for her to quell, even if only slightly, the frantic, nervous thudding of her heart.

" 'You know that when I hate you, it is because I love you to a point of passion that it unhinges my soul.' "

She felt her cheeks heat and she knew she was blushing. And—goddammit—why couldn't her heart just slow. The. Fuck. Down.

Then again, if it did, she just might die.

If the silence didn't get to her first; its cool hand pressed against her chest, her heart beating back violently. Say something, Shizuru. Please... Anything.

"Say it again."

Her eyebrows shot up and her mouth formed a loose, unspoken "huh?"

"Say that last part again."

Slowly, she let that smile curve her lips again.

"Unhinges my soul?"

Then, she saw it—a frown, almost a pout. She never thought she could miss something so...childish.

"No, before that."

Her smile grew into a grin.

"It?"

Eyebrows furrowed. Her cheeks started to hurt.

"Natsuki–"

"I love you."

Anything and everything tense fell.

She was drawn into the other, crushed together in a way she could only deem as exquisite.

So warm.

Her nose nuzzled into the neck, inhaling. Hands clutched her, pulling, trembling along with the rest of the body. She felt the wetness, heard the sobs. But she only hummed, low and softly.

As she sat there, holding and being held, she knew.

This was their beginning.

end