A/N: The Hogwarts students go to a muggle TV show called "Jerry Springer" in this one. Although, this one was the first Harry/Ron/Ginny/Draco/Hermione Oneshot we wrote so it's not part of the series that we're currently creating. This may be a little… alternate universe.. although, the characters are still kinda in character, except Ron. He's just random and stupid ;) But funny we hope.

Disclaimer: We don't own Jerry Springer, or any Harry Potter characters. We only own the plot and some quotes that are actually ours from real life experiences. For example.. "It gurgled!" actually happened to us. :P

Jerry Springer: Hogwarts Style

By: TheWritersWhoSayPoofAlot

Hogwarts students, Hermione Granger, Ginny Weasley, Ron Weasley, Harry Potter, and Draco Malfoy were backstage on the Jerry Springer show waiting to enter onto the stage.

They could hear Jerry's booming voice flowing backstage; all the while the audience was chanting "Jerry! Jerry! Jerry!"

Four of the teenagers were pacing with anticipation and jumped when they heard Draco Malfoy's cold voice drawl.

"Do we have to be here? We could have worked this out back at Hogwarts. I can't believe that old fool let us come here." He said, referring to their headmaster, Professor Albus Dumbledore. He quickly shut his mouth at the glares he received from Hermione and Ginny.

"Sod off, Malfoy." Ron growled, standing up for his youngest sibling, and best mate.

"Yeah, Draco if it weren't for you then we wouldn't be here in the first place!" Ginny muttered, flipping her long red hair over her shoulder. Draco was about to reply when he was interrupted by Jerry's voice calling them out to the stage.

The five teenagers came out on stage in line, with Ron and Harry in front.

"MAKE WAY! MAKE WAY! FAMOUS HARRY POTTER COMING THROUGH! MAKE WAY!" Ron shouted, pushing through the air at imaginary people and ignoring Harry's death glare. Ron then, in the good mood he is in, decided to try and 'party-boy' Harry.

"RON! You're invading my bubble!" Harry shouted, Ron laughed.

Next, Draco came behind the two as they took a seat beside Jerry. The Slytherin was blowing kisses at the audience and being his usual cocky self.

"Hold your applause, hold your applause! I know you love me!" He shouted, to a roar of 'boos!' from the audience. After realizing that the applause he was expecting was actually not to his liking, he made a very rude gesture to the audience, causing more 'boos'.

Hermione and Ginny came out together, with Ginny waving and flipping her hair to the cameras and Hermione blushing furiously and trying to pretend she doesn't know the redhead beside her.

"Today we have 5 teenagers with a very interesting story, now, Mr. Ronald Weasley why don't you start with your story?" Jerry asked the redheaded boy beside him.

"Well, you see I'm only here to support my sister and best mate, but I am Ronald Weasley. Though I hate the name Ronald." He started, grimacing. "But I guess the story all starts when I was born in…" And so he rambled on about his life story, and all the pranks Fred and George Weasley pulled on him as he grew up. Ron was halfway into his story of when the evil twins turned his teddy bear into a spider when Jerry cut him off.

"Okay, Ron we didn't need a life story. Now, Mr. Harry Potter, what do you have to say?"

"Erm, nothing really. I'm just here to support my best mates." Harry said sheepishly. Jerry nodded, accepting this answer.

"Mr. Draco Malfoy, you are the main reason you're all here today, so what is it you wish to say?" Jerry said.

Draco cleared his throat before answering and ran a pale hand through his platinum blonde hair. "All I can say is I have two chicks fighting over me, what more could a guy wish for?"

"Do you wish for me, Drakie-Poo?" Draco turned to the audience and squinted to see Blaise Zabini standing up and waving to him. Draco made a disgusted face and looked away from Zabini, while Ron and Harry stifled their laughter.

"Erm, right then. Now, Miss Hermione Granger, what do you have to say?" Jerry continued on.

"Well, I hooked up with Draco right after the final war, and we were together ever since. I thought we were in love and he acted like we were-'' Hermione started.

"Yeah, and then you found out about me, and that Draco's really in love with me, right Hermione?!" Ginny interrupted calmly, raising her eyebrows mockingly. Hermione glared at her.

"He didn't love you either, Ginny!" Hermione argued, as if her friend could be so naïve.

"I am right here, you know." Draco sneered. The two girls sent death glares at him.

"I don't give a...
Keep looking at my...
'Cause it don't mean a thang if you're looking at my...
I'm a do my thing while you're playing with your...
Ha, ha-ha, ha-ha, ha-ha"

They all looked over to see Ron singing and dancing in his chair to a muggle song called 'Beep' by the Pussycat Dolls. Harry leant over to the redhead and whispered, "Y'know, Ron we're on national TV. Meaning the whole world can see you." And Ron whose face went so red it rivaled his hair, shut up immediately.

"Besides, Draco wouldn't be in love with you anyway, you're flat chested!" Said Hermione, continuing on with their argument.

"I most certainly am not!" Ginny yelled, enraged.

"PROVE IT! PROVE IT! PROVE IT!" The audience chanted. Ginny faced the audience and lifted up her shirt, revealing her chest. Harry flushed bright red and stared in amazement at Ginny while Ron gasped in horror and shoved Harry back on his chair, trying to cover Harry's eyes without much success. Draco leant back in his chair in amusement.

"Yeah, well why would he want to love an insufferable know-it-all, goody good like you?!" Ginny shouted to Hermione, after pulling her shirt back down. Hermione gasped and tackled Ginny.

"FIGHT! FIGHT! FIGHT!" The audience chanted with Draco in the lead. Ron and Harry's eyes widened in horror.

Jerry's guards pulled the two girls apart before any real damage could be done, however they were still trying their hardest to get to each other.

"Ahh, can life get any better?!" Draco sighed contentedly, leaning back in his chair. Hermione and Ginny sent death glares at him and started screaming at him incoherently at the same time.

"So…Does this mean you girls are single now?" Harry asked, eagerly. The girls turned to him and nodded.

"Ooh cha-bing! Ooh cha-bing! Mione's single! Ooh cha-bing!" Ron chanted, doing a sort of jig. Harry eyed him curiously. "Erm, Ron?"

"It's a muggle saying. I heard one saying it." Ron smiled smugly. Harry raised his eyebrows and then laughed.

"It's 'cha-bang', Ron." Harry corrected. Ron's ears slowly went red and he smiled sheepishly. "Oh. Oops." He said, ducking his head in shame. Harry chuckled, rolling his eyes.

"Well, that was an interesting topic, stay tuned and we'll be right back!" Jerry called to the audience and cameras. "Alright, you kids have fifteen minutes before you're back on. If you want there's a park right beside the studio that you can visit." Jerry told the teenagers.

"Park! Park! Harry, can we go to the park?! Please?" Ron asked, excitedly clapping his hands together. Harry rolled his eyes and nodded. The five teenagers followed a skipping Ron outside.

When they reached the park, Draco slouched off to a bench while Ron was ecstatic. He ran over to the teeter-totters and pointed to them, looking over at Harry.

"What are these, Harry? What are they?" He asked, sounding like a two year old. Ginny and Hermione rolled their eyes. Harry just chuckled.

"That's a teeter-totter, Ron. Here, get on that side and I'll get on with you." Harry said. He got on, and kicked off the ground moving the teeter totter up. As it went up, Ron yelled in excitement.

"WHEEE!" He cried. However each time it came down, he got scared and shrieked. "AHHH!"

"Fuckin' poof…" Draco muttered from the benches.

Hermione and Ginny were rolling on the ground, clutching their stomachs at the Gryffindor's behavior. Hermione heard a rustle in the bushes beside them and looked over but they were still. She decided to ignore it and continued laughing at Ron. Next, Ron ran over to the slides and went down them a few times. They heard him ask Harry to make a train with him going down the slide. Harry firmly told him no.

Hermione glanced at her watch and told the boys it was time to go back to the studio. Ron looked back sadly at the park but followed the others reluctantly to the studio.

As they were walking back to the studio, they passed a drain pipe that was making noises from the water below. Ron shrieked and ran behind Harry.

"Harry, it-it gurgled!" Ron whispered frantically. Harry burst out laughing and couldn't stop. Ron glanced frightfully at the drain pipe and wondered why Harry was laughing. He was still staring at the drain pipe when he noticed the others had gotten far ahead of him, he yelped and ran to catch up with them.

"Hurry up, Weasel." Draco scowled.

"SHUT UP FATTY!" Ron yelled. Harry snickered.

"I'M TRYING TO DIET OKAY?!" Draco yelled back hysterically. Harry and Ron exchanged glances and burst out laughing. They were still laughing as they walked into the studio, Ron having finally caught up with them. Draco was holding his stomach protectively.

Jerry gestured to them and they took their seats again, just as the cameras came back on.

"Welcome back! To those who have just tuned in now, we have three teenagers with an interesting love affair and two here to support them." Jerry began.

"How come you two never let me explain anything to you?" Draco asked turning to Ginny and Hermione.

"What is there to explain, Malfoy?" Hermione asked back.

"Well, first of all, it wasn't me you saw with her; it was my--- evil twin. Yeah er." Draco stumbled over his words. Some guy, who looked like an exact double of Draco, except he was wearing one of those face masks that have glasses, a large nose, and a mustache attached, stood up from the audience. He curled his mustache around his finger and made a weird laughing sound.

"Nee ha ha, I shall finally break them up! Nee ha ha!" The guy said and ran out of the studio.

"Who the bloody hell was he?!" Draco muttered, genuinely confused.

"What was that, Draco?" Hermione asked, smirking slightly.

"Er- nothing." Draco mumbled in reply. Ginny rolled her eyes.

"Your story is rubbish, Draco. We don't believe you." Ginny said. Draco spluttered.

"B- But you saw that guy! He was my twin!" Draco cried.

"You don't have a twin! That guy is just a look a like!" Hermione shouted.

"No! He really was my twin!" Draco argued. Hermione shook her head. Ron shrieked loudly, bringing all of their attention to him. He was sitting on his chair with his legs brought up.

"What is it?" Hermione asked.

"HARRY! Kill it! Just kill it!" Ron cried, his eyes watering. Harry looked to where Ron was pointing, seeing nothing at first.

"Kill what Ron?" He exclaimed. Ron opened his eyes and pointed again. Harry finally saw what was there. He went to step on it, but Draco called out.

"NELLY!" He yelled, reaching out and grabbing the furry spider. "Shh, don't worry. I wouldn't let Harry kill you. No, shh, it's okay girl." Draco murmured, petting the small spider. Ron trembled as he watched Draco put the spider in his pocket. Draco just smirked.

"Well, as it interesting as this has been, that's all for today." Jerry called.

"But, we haven't solved this yet!" Ginny protested. Jerry shrugged.

"You only had an hour, and you took the whole hour." Jerry replied.

"Yeah so that's all for today. Tune in tomorrow as we have a transsexual man who has to admit to his boyfriend that he's been secretly prostituting for two years now! Should be interesting!" Jerry called to the audience and cameras.

"Alright kids, thanks for coming, you gave me quite the show. But you can leave now." Jerry said, and his security guards came and ushered the Hogwarts students away.

"Well… that was fun." Ron said and Harry nodded in agreement.

"Definitely not something we do everyday." Harry replied, chuckling. Hermione and Ginny huffed and apparated away, Draco following shortly after.

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