Disclaimer: J.K.R owns Harry Potter, not me. That's why she's making the big bucks, and I'm deciding between paying for books and buying food.

Started with the idea of Harry owling Voldemort telling him that his occlumency has an unfortunate habit of slipping when he's having sex. It's lead to this. This is chapter one, I'll have chapter two written out sometime soon, but it's 2:30, and I have a cold... gets all whiney-like
The next chapter won't be told in letters like this, but it seemed to work shrugs
Totally unbeta'd, but I think I did ok.

I'll reply to any and all comments in my livejournal, which is linked in my profile.

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July 15th, 1996

Harry Potter, known throughout the wizarding world as the boy-who-lived, and more recently the chosen one, was exhausted.

No, he was more than just exhausted, he was mentally scarred. He had just had another vision, similar to those which had plagued him over the last year, although with one notable difference.

Scowling, the young Gryffindor sat down at his desk, quill in hand. It was time to put an end to this.

Dear Voldemort,

Hey, it's the last person you ever expected to hear from here. I need to talk to you about your...um.. "activities" last night. I understand that you're making up for lost time and all, but do you think you could pay more attention to your Occlumency? Especially when you're fucking my potions professor? Seriously, that was an image I never needed to see. Ever. Although, who would have thought the greasy git was so flexible?

Sincerely,

Harry Potter

(July 16th)

Dear Potter,

You're just jealous that my sex life is more interesting than yours is. I mean, you've been on one date? Yeah, I saw that. Actually, with all that I've seen of your sex life (or lack thereof), it's only fair that I share with you. I'm sure it will be more informative than those magazines you keep under your mattress, you know that those are all staged, right? Oh, and judging by how often I catch you whacking off, you might want to consider investing in a wrist brace.

Regards,

The Dark Lord

(July 17th)

Dear Voldemort,

If you saw the disaster that was my date with Cho, I'm sure you understand why I'm not interested in repeating that experience. And no, I'm not jealous, although it is disheartening when a guy who looks like a snake gets laid more than I do. And please, for the love of god, don't share. I don't know if I'll be able to look Snape in the face again as it is.

Oh, and come on, are you really telling me you didn't jerk off while you were in school? Yeah, tell me another one. And I know that all of those shots are staged, but who cares? It's all fantasy, right, and fantasies are built on bullshit.

Cheers,

Harry Potter

(July 18th)

Dear Potter,

I hate to break it to you, but Stan Shunpike gets laid more than you. Maybe you're looking in the wrong place? I'm sure there's plenty of people out there who'd love to fuck the boy-who-lived, after all. And once Severus finishes his latest noxious concoction, the whole "snake-face" issue should be gone. I should look like a normal person, nose and all.

I think I'll share anyways. I'm sure Severus would love an excuse to take points from Gryffindor, after all.

And I'm not saying that I didn't jerk off in school, just that I limited myself to, say, once a day or so? Seriously, that much masturbation can't be healthy. And if you're going to look at porn, you may as well spring for quality.

Regards, The Dark Lord

(July 19th)

Dear Voldemort,

Wow. There is something disturbing about one's greatest enemy sending you porn. Gay porn at that- are you trying to tell me something, or are you hoping that my family will see it and do your job for you?

As for getting laid I'd rather not sleep with someone just because I'm the boy-who-wouldn't-die, or whatever the fuck they're calling me now. Really, at this point I'd say no to any and all offers out of spite, if nothing else. Or do you expect me to give a shit about a public that treats me like some kind of monster just because the Daily Prophet prints a few (totally untrue!) stories?

So, you're getting rid of the snake look, then? Great, now I'm going to have to come up with a whole new selection of insults.

I wonder, how would Snape respond to blackmail?

And I don't jerk off that often. Well, I did, for a while, but there were... extenuating circumstances.

Sincerely,

The Boy Who Wouldn't Die

(July 20th)

Dear TBWWD,

Actually, I never even considered your relatives when sending this. Muggles, right?

Really, though, it's obvious that you have at least a passing attraction to men. Or was it just coincidence that those "extenuating circumstances" came up every time you showered after quidditch?

And do I sense a bit of hostility to the wizarding world at large? I guess I have it easy after all- while they may revile me, they at least don't change their opinion of me on a daily basis. As for the Prophet, it may be a rag, but I find it very useful. Much more so than that... Quibbler? Although I can see why you would like it- after all, it seems to be the unofficial paper of "Dumbledore's Army". Cheers on that idea, by the way, although I don't much like the name.

Snape would likely respond very well to blackmail. Are you sure you weren't supposed to be in Slytherin?

Regards,

The Dark Lord

(July 21th)

Dear Voldemort,

Yeah, muggles. You know, Dumbledore confuses the fuck out of me. He wants me to fight for muggles, et cetera, and yet, when it comes to it, he places me with the biggest set of bigots I've ever met. Homophobic, racist, xenophobic, and, um... magic-phobic (is there a word for that?). I mean, they make Lucius sound accepting. Somewhat counterproductive, really.

And yes, I am a little hostile to the wizarding world at this point in time. Actually, I'm about one disappointment away from telling the whole lot of them to fuck off and leave me alone. Maybe I could run away to some deserted tropical island somewhere.

And can we just pretend that I have no idea what you're talking about, when it comes to quidditch?

And the Quibbler's great, once you filter through all of the crap. Then again, I am biased, Luna (the editor's daughter) is an absolute sweetheart, even if she is a bit off. Is it me, or did that sound really girly?

If I knew then what I do now, I never would have called it Dumbledore's Army. Frankly, the guy's starting to piss me off. He keeps too many secrets. I never know if I can trust him. I have the strangest suspicion that some of the "gospel truth" I've heard from him is absolute bullshit. After all, if what he said was true, you'd would have been more likely to send an army of Death Eaters than a porno mag. Of course, this could all be part of some nefarious plot, although I don't see how that would really work...

And the hat did say that I would do good in Slytherin, but I had just been introduced to Draco Malfoy, and the thought of being in the same house as him made me nauseous.

Cheers,

The Boy Who Wouldn't Die, And Is Not Planning On Doing So Any Time Soon

(July 22nd)

Dear TBWWDAINPODSATS

Really, wouldn't it be easier just to sign your name?

Anyways, Dumbles confuses the fuck out of all of us. One of these days, I'll tell you about my childhood home- how he could send me back year after year and expect me to turn into a well adjusted member of society is beyond me.

That desert island idea sounds like fun right about now. I swear, I'm going to crucio the next person to ask when I'm planning on acting next. You'd think they'd know better, but no. I'm surrounded by people who either question my every move, or follow loyally, but are completely nuts. Ah, well, who expects sane people to unquestioningly follow a psychotic megalomaniac?

And no, this is not some nefarious plot. Really, what would I gain from talking to you about your wanking habits?

I know what you mean. Malfoy Jr's a git. I think I'll mark him just so I have someone around to crucio when Wormtail's busy.

Regards,

That Psychotic Megalomaniac

(July 23rd)

Dear Psychotic Megalomaniac

It probably would be easier, but really, it's not like I've got anything else to do.

You know, talking to you like this, it's easy to forget exactly who you are. There's part of me that's yelling about how I shouldn't talk to you because... well, I'm sure I don't need to list the reasons, right?

Then of course, there's this other part who sees you as just some guy who happens to be nice to talk to. Gah, it's all confusing.

Sometimes, I think I have more of a problem with the people who follow you than I do with you. Wormtail betrayed my parents and killed Cedric, Bellatrix killed my godfather, Lucius gave Ginny your old diary, and the rest of them are just all around gits who've done all they can to hurt me and my friends.

You ever wonder if there really is a god, and he just likes to watch you suffer? Well, I'm going to go bang my head against the wall a few times, see if that straightens things out or me.

Cheers,

The Boy Who Lived To Be Utterly, Totally and Completely Confused

(July 24th)

Dear Potter,

Believe it or not, I am sorry about your parents, although I feel worse about fucking up your life than actually killing them, if you can understand that. And I feel terrible about what happened at the ministry. I never wanted to hurt you, I just needed to see the prophecy for myself. I'd hoped that my Death Eaters would get the prophecy from you without anything more than a Petrificus Totalus or a Stupefy. I figured that they'd get the prophecy, get out, and I could finally see what Dumbles was going on about, and why he was taunting me with it. Obviously, I 'd underestimated both your resourcefulness, and my Death Eater's stupidity (or in Bellatrix's case, insanity).

Sincerely,

That Evil Git

(July 25th)

Dear Evil Git,

Thanks. That actually means a lot to me. It's not every day that a Dark Lord apologizes to you, after all, is it? And I think I understand what you mean- killing someone's parents isn't exactly a "sorry" situation, is it?

And what do you mean, Dumbledore was taunting you? He didn't even bother to tell me that he knew the prophecy until after that night at the ministry.

Sorry it's so short, I really can't think of anything to say.

Cheers,

Harry

(July 25th- later)

Harry,

What the fuck was just happened? Who the fuck was that? Are you OK? Do you need any help?

If I don't hear from you in one hour, I'm coming to get you, wards be damned.

TDL

Voldemort,

I'll be fine. I'll explain it all tomorrow. Right now, I need a pain-relieving potion and some sleep- it's a good thing Madame Pomfrey sent some home with me this year.

Harry

(July 26th)

Dear Voldemort

That was my uncle. Apparently, he lost another client at work, and decided that it was my fault somehow. I'll be fine, this happens every once in a while, but it wasn't that bad this time. I'll be out of here soon enough, and I won't have to worry about him anymore.

Cheers,

Harry

(July 26th- later)

Dear Harry,

Not that bad? Harry, I've seen people get run over by the knight bus and look better than you did. How often does this happen?

Regards,

The Dark Lord

Voldemort,

It's fine. Not that often- maybe once a month lately? Can we change the subject, please?

Harry

Dear Harry,

Fine. I'll take your word for it.

Anyways, back to your first letter yesterday, Dumbles made a point of reminding Severus of the prophecy on a daily basis, stating that the knowledge within it was crucial to winning. Oh, and of course mentioning that the only way to get it would be to convince you to go in after it. He was especially persistent on that point.

Hey, Your birthday's coming up in the next few days, isn't it? The 31st?

Well, that seemed... random.

Write back soon?

Regards,

The Dark Lord

(July 27th)

Dear Voldemort,

You know, your name is really awkward. Isn't there something else I can call you? Would you hate me if I called you "Tom"? Or, since you really didn't like him, maybe by your middle name, or something?

Speaking of your name, I don't mean to cross a line or anything, but isn't that whole campaign for pureblood supremacy a little hypocritical?

Yeah, my birthday's on the 31st. Woo hoo, or whatever.

Don't mind me, I'm in a shitty mood.

Harry

(July 28th)

Dear Harry,

I'm supposed to hate you anyways, but I guess that's beside the point. Go ahead and call me Tom, if you want.

Actually, it never was a campaign for pureblood supremacy- although I'm sure Dumbles would like to pretend otherwise. It was a little bit more complex than that. You need a bit of back story first, though.

I grew up in a muggle orphanage. Frankly, it was a shithole. While I was there, I was nothing more than a freak, a disgusting queer, and, whenever the matron was feeling particularly vocal, the spawn of Satan. Growing up, I had no idea that other muggle children had it better- in fact, I thought that being starved, beaten, and generally abused was the norm. Then, when I go to Hogwarts, I was put in Slytherin. I watched all of the pureblood children being treated wonderfully, and began to connect shitty, abusive treatment to the muggle world, and kind words and care to the wizarding world. My original campaign was against wizards who married muggles, thereby (at least with my logic at the time) exposing their children to all sorts of injustices. Of course, Dumbles misconstrued it entirely, which drew in the pureblood supremacist crowd, and meant that my ideas were all painted as racist.

I actually have some ideas that could really help the world. Like, for example, the creation of wizarding orphanages. Magical children in muggle orphanages should be transfered into wizarding orphanages, where they won't be mistreated. A service to watch over magical children in the muggle world to make sure that they don't suffer from abuse due to their magic. Earlier education for muggleborns- I'm sure that Granger girl would have loved something like that. Some of my other ones, of course, were scrapped, once I figured out that muggles weren't all abusive, but can you blame me for thinking otherwise?

The rest of it seemed to spawn from a bit of brainwashing on the part of several (now deceased) parties. I spent the better part of the year after I came back trying to figure out what was really going on in both worlds, instead of what I'd been told was going on. Needless to say, I'm hoping that the misbegotten bastards who fed me all of that garbage are enjoying hell.

Anyways, that's the gist of it, and all you really need to know. Unless, of course, you happen to enjoy long winded rants?

And, totally off-topic here, but you don't exactly sound thrilled about your birthday. You want to talk about it?

Regards,

"Tom"

(July 29th)

Dear Tom,

You know, I can really see where you're coming from there. It's really kind of scary, actually.

No, I don't particularly enjoy long winded rants, having heard far to many of them from my friends.

My birthday... well, it's kind of a mixed day for me. On one hand, there's the fact that, on my 11th birthday, Hagrid rescued me from the muggles, told me that I'm a wizard, took me to Diagon Alley- where I found out that I actually had money- and bought me the first birthday present I'd gotten since I was left with the Dursleys. On the other hand, it's also another chance for my aunt and uncle to remind me of all they've done for me- gave me Dudley's hand-me-downs to wear, fed me leftovers, and, of course gave me a camp bed in the cupboard under the stairs- and all they gave up for me when they took me in. Lately, it's been an excuse to use me as a punching bag- at least for my uncle. My cousin never needed an excuse.

And this has taken a serious downturn into depressing, so I'm going to send this off before I start getting really mopey.

Cheers,

Harry

(July 30th)

Dear Harry,

Well, um, that's... rather shitty. You know, I'm really bad at comforting people. It's just never been a requirement before. I mean, what can I say? "Look on the bright side" always sounds condescending, and "I'm sorry" sounds like I pity you, which I don't think you need right now.

Maybe a heartfelt "I know what you mean"?

Damn it, you've got me at a loss for words. I'm never at a loss for words. This is a once-in-a-lifetime occurrence. I hope you're proud of yourself.

Regards,

Tom

(July 31st)

Dear Tom,

Wow, thank you! You know, I wasn't expecting anything from you. Although, I'm not saying that it wasn't welcome, but it was a bit of a shock. Especially that ...thing... that kissed me. What exactly was that, anyways?

I'm really going to enjoy that magazine subscription, but I'm not exactly sure how that book works.

Anyways, I've got to go, my aunt wants me to go weed the garden.

Thanks Again!

Harry

(July 31st, later)

Dear Harry,

One of the Death Eaters found that little gem in Zonko's. It's called a "kiss-o-gram", and it's supposed to temporarily conjure a pair of lips to give you a kiss. I figured you could use it, and it looked a little less frightening than the "hug-o-gram" (you figure it out).

You may have noticed that the book has twelve spaces, right? Well, each month, a magazine appears in the next available space. I figured you'd appreciate the discreetness of it.

Well, since I'm sure you have plenty to do, I'll leave you to it. Write back when you get a chance.

Again, Happy Birthday,

Tom

Harry

I'm going to kill that fucking muggle. I don't give a fuck about the order, the wards, or anything else. Can you get outside? I'm coming to get you. Tell me if you can't get outside, I'll figure out how to get you out. I'm going to fucking murder Dumbles for putting you with those people.

Tom

Tom

NO! Stay there! I'm ok... I'll be fine. If you come, then the Order will show up, and it will be a complete nightmare. I'll write to you tomorrow, ok?

Harry

Harry

There is no way in hell I'm leaving you with those creatures. That fat sack of shit is as good as dead.

Oh, god, has he ever done that to you before?

Fuck, this is all my fault. If I hadn't gone after you when you were a baby, you'd still have parents, and you wouldn't be living with a fucking rapist. I can't let you go through any more, I'm sorry, I have to get you out of there.

Tom

Tom

No, you have to stay away. If you come and get me, the Order will show up, then there'll be fighting, and people will get hurt, and I won't be able to write to you. I'll be ok, I was before, I will be now. I'm being taken to the Order's HQ in two days, I'll be fine until then.

Harry

Harry

If you need anything tonight, anything at all, tell your owl to come get me. Don't even send a note, as soon as I see her, I'll come for you. Write to me tomorrow.

Tom