I have been thinking about this one for long time. Now I'm actually writing it. It's my second chapter by chapter fic and it's going to be pretty interesting. Please review.
Please Note:
a) I don't own Grey's Anatomy or the characters.
b) I named Addison's daughter after Bonny Butler, Scarlett O'Hara's daugther in Gone With the Wind, because in this story, Addison is the same type of mother Scarlett is. She loves her daughter but she just can't handle motherhood very well. Also, I guess it fits with Derek and Addison's ethnic background which I assume is English/ Scotish/ Welsh/ maybe Irish.
P.S. Don't worry, Bonny's not going to fall off a horse and die.
Chapter One: "You're Never In a Good Mood"
"Mommy, will you play with me?" Bonny Shepard's voice was almost a whimper. Addison sighed and massaged her aching temples. At seven her daughter was much too old to be whining like that.
"Not right now sweetie. Mommy's not in a very good mood at the moment," she whispered. There was a pile of forms littering the tiny table, I hate this fucking trailer, that urgently needed her attention and it seemed she wouldn't be finishing with them any time soon.
"You're never in a good mood," Bonny complained. The neatly typed, officially worded sentences blurred and swam across the pages. Addison blinked tears from her eyes. She was not going to cry in front of her daughter.
"I'm sorry sweetie. What I meant to say was 'Mommy's not in a very good mood to play with you right now.' When daddy gets home I promise we'll do something together but until then I need you to give me some quiet time. Can you do that for me? It'll only be for a few hours. I promise." She was lying of course. She knew for a fact that Derek would not be coming home that evening until well after Bonny fell asleep. If he wasn't working late at the hospital he was almost certainly already twined in the arms of another woman. Her husband was having an affair and he wasn't even trying to hide it but she couldn't confront him about it. She had lost that right.
"Mommy, I'm bored!" Bonny wailed. Addison clenched her fists, dug her manicured nails into her palms to keep from screaming. Her daughter was driving her crazy. Since they had moved to Seattle the girl had become a nightmare, cranky, pathetic and always needing, needing attention. She was like a leech Addison couldn't shake off, draining her energy, her patience and always, always demanding more than Addison could give.
Bonny, please. Please just leave me alone. I want you to go away.
She always felt guilty immediately after thoughts like these. What kind of a mother was she? Bonny was probably scared out of her mind. What must it feel like when you're seven years old and your father disappears in the middle of the night? What must it feel like to leave the only home you've ever known and move thousands of miles away from your school, your friends, your grandparents? What must it feel like to watch your own parents turn into different people in front of you, your father hardly back in your life at all despite the fact that you share a home again, your mother a raw bundle of frayed nerves, your family disintegrating around you?
"I'm sorry sweetheart... I guess these forms can wait."
"Yay!" It broke her heart to see how easily the littlest bit of attention brought light into Bonny's eyes. In New York, that light had been there all the time. Now she hardly saw it and that was her fault. She had destroyed their family. Now, even though a few minutes of attention was enough to spark that light, it wasn't enough to make it last. Because the damage had been done. Nothing was secure any more and when nothing was secure, no matter how much love she showered on her daughter, as soon as she let it slack off, even for a minute, the fear would creep back and Bonny's eyes would brim with questions.
What if Daddy goes away again? What if there's another fight? What if Mommy closes up again and I can't make her see me? What if things never go back to the way they were?
The questions seeped from Bonny's eyes and hung constantly above Addison's head. They had to be ignored. Because if she paid them any attention they would worm their way into her heart and eat away the last shred of belief she had left.
She needed that belief. She needed to believe she could make this work, needed to believe she could fix what she had broken. Because if she couldn't believe that then the only thing left would be guilt.