Disclaimer: I do not own Ouran High School Host Club

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"This story is bad. I call it 'shit'."

That broken hearted look on the man's face makes me grin. I can feel it on my face. He looks pathetic. He looks like he has just had all his hopes and dreams trampled on. This look makes me feel the best or somewhat close to it. It makes me feel on top of the world. I was the one who could do it.

"Are you going to cry on my floor? Don't, okay? I just had this carpeting redone, and it's worth more than you." I say, making sure I sound emotionless. That's how you have to be. It makes things hurt more. This makes things much more interesting.

"Please, Mr. Hitachiin! I worked so hard on this story! I hardly got any sleep while writing it!" the man begs from his chair. I just give him a nonplussed look. Why do they always think begging will work? It's just annoying.

Rolling my eyes, and leaning back in my uncomfortable chair, I give a sigh. "Okay. Let me ask you something. Say I do publish this crap, okay? It would obviously not sell. Why? It's cliché. An ending makes no sense. Love conquers all!" I say this in an overly exaggerated tone. Holding my hands to my heart. My face goes back to emotionless and so does my tone. "So it doesn't sell because you couldn't come up with anything more original. Which is boring."

"But please!"

All I do is turn my head. "I said don't cry. Now get out."

"Please, I'm begging you! I worked so hard on this story! My family needs this!"

"No, I think your family needs a better man to take care of them. You should be out there working, not here sobbing on my floor. Now seriously, get out. I will get security in here." I warn, remaining cold. As I watch the man look shocked at the cruelty, I cannot help but smile. That face never makes me smile anymore. It used to, but it had gotten boring. This might be a good day.

When I finally heard the door shut, I feel suddenly bored again. I'm tired and nothing interesting has happened in so long. Remember, when I'm bored, it's bad for everybody else.

"Um, Mr. Hitachiin?"

I turn to the source and see a timid woman. I grin; it must be a new intern or something. This one looks mousy. Mousy ones meant they are easy to bother. Maybe this day will be a good one.

"Yes, little one?" I purr seductively. She squeaked. Good.

"You have a meeting. They wanted me to, um, tell you…" She barely got it out. Oh, this one is definitely a mouse. Mice are fun to play with. Just ask any cat.

"So, honey. I was thinking after I have this little meeting. How about we have our own?" I say as I waltz over to her, putting a hand on her chin. Her face is colored, and I feel the corners of my mouth twitch. "You do think I'm good looking, right?"

"Um…" the girl says, obviously embarrassed and not sure what to do.

Now I actually smile and say charmingly in her ear. "It's okay, dear. I won't do anything bad to you." I kiss her cheek. "Unless you like that kind of stuff, that is."

"You have a meeting! That is all! Bye!"

Okay, I was wrong. She wasn't anymore interesting than anybody else. Everybody is boring here. Why didn't I hire exciting

people?

I hate being bored the most.

Plus a meeting. Meetings are boring.

Why did I ever start this stupid publishing company in the first place? Then I remember I had thought it'd been fun at the time. Oh well. I can't stop it now.

There's still something to make things just a bit more interesting. I reach inside the drawer that holds it and take out that lovely green bottle.

And as the liquid goes down with that slight sting, it's all just too familiar.

At least the meeting can't be too boring now.

---

The meeting had been boring. I had hoped somebody would ask if I was drunk or something. I could start a commotion and yell at everybody. Maybe they learned their lesson the other hundreds of times I had done it. Probably. They were idiots anyway.

I just want to get home and lay down on the couch. Maybe get even more drunk so I can feel amused. Or just get knocked over by the feeling of emptiness. Either one. Could be interesting.

But as I reach for my car's handle, I suddenly feel my conscience break through the cage I put it in. Why now? It never cares if I abuse some employee. Ah well. I guess I don't really want to serve life in jail if I do kill somebody.

If I am lucky, I will get one of those wacko drivers who go all topsy-turvy or something.

But I don't. I get some guy who plays it safe and is going the speed he should. Great. Just my luck.

"Hey, Mister. You that Hitachiin publisher guy?"

"Yeah." I mutter, looking out the window. We are in traffic so I can see everybody walking around the city, trying to get to their destination. Their destination is probably somewhere they don't want to be. It's almost sad. Almost.

I hear his deep laugh and he roars out. "You wrote for a bit! Those Host Club books! God, my wife loves those things!"

I freeze. All of the sudden I am hit by some stupid rush of memories.

Of roses and girls screaming, of a bunny plushie and costumes, and then his face.

"Hikaru…"

"What, man?"

I shake my head out of the trance he unwittingly put me in. "Nothing. Did you say something?"

"Yeah, I asked why you don't write those books anymore. My wife loved those twins you wrote about."

I smile sadly and notice we are finally at my own destination. It's not home because nowhere feels like home but it's enough.

As I leave the car, I say. "I lost my inspiration." I hand him a bill out of my pocket. I don't even know how much I just gave the man.

"Whoa! This is much more than you owe me!"

"Consider it your lucky day."

I hear a happy "Thanks!" as he drives off, speeding this time. All I had to do was pay him to make him speed? Should have done that earlier.

As I make my way to my apartment, I hear various noises. Couples fighting, loud music, and so many things I can't recognize. I'm not even sure why I stay. I'm rich; I don't need this crappy place. I can buy a mansion. But I guess I just don't feel like it. Or anything else for that matter.

"It's you."

As I was about to go to my own apartment, I hear that cranky old voice that belongs to that cranky old woman.

"Hi, Mrs. Angeline."

The old woman glares and makes a rude hand gesture. "Don't try to be nice to me, you bastard. You-"

I'm in my apartment before she can finish. I don't know why she hates me or why it seems she's always there, waiting to insult me, but I don't really care. It's kind of funny to have somebody like her around. She hates me and she doesn't pretend to like me. She doesn't pretend to like anybody.

She's also the model of what life can do to you.

I walk to my couch and lay down on it. The couch I paid more for than my rent. It's not even comfortable. It makes you feel like your back is about to ache, but you can't exactly give up the finer things if you've had them before.

No, deep inside, a rich boy is still a rich boy and a poor boy is always a poor boy. It's simple math. Then again, I was never exactly good at math. That had always been Hikaru's thing.

Hikaru.

I groan and put my hands over my eyes. There's bound to be a headache soon. They always come when my mind decides to think about the past. But if it's going to do that, then I'm going to cope with it the only way I can.

In that cabinet, in that bottle, is something that can make me feel numb and maybe make me think about nothing. Or it could easily make me remember more things and make me want to go jump out the window. Sounds nice, but I probably won't jump out the window. I'm not suicidal.

I go back to my couch and lay down on it again. Alcohol, check. Don't give a shit attitude? Check.

I take my first drink and flinch. The first drink is always the hardest. The first of everything is always the hardest. The first

cut is the deepest. The first kiss is the most awkward. The first night away from home is always the loneliest.

You will always cry that first night. There's nobody to reach out to. There's nobody to talk to and there's nobody to cry to than yourself.

I groan and take another gulp. The second is almost as hard. But you know what you're expecting so it's not nearly as bad.

First is the worst, second is the best.

Or something like that. Who cares. I don't. I just want to sleep or something. I don't want to do anything but sleep. Then again, I dream. Never mind, I don't want to sleep.

I don't know what I want to do.

I always used to. Always used to know what I wanted to do or just what I wanted.

If I didn't, Hikaru knew.

Hikaru.

"Fuck," I mutter out pathetically. My voice probably sounds all scratchy and everything. Not like it used to sound.

Then finally, even though I struggled, I start remembering stupid things.

"Which one is Hikaru, which one is Kaoru?"

I actually smile. I see the picture of two red-headed young boys, arms on each other's shoulders, looking mischievously, and obviously identical. I whisper to myself.

"The one on the right is Hikaru and the one on the left is Kaoru."

I'm correct. Since I'm obviously not Hikaru. I'm in America.

Hikaru is in Japan.

I'm in America.

I was right. A headache comes so I take another drink from the bottle.

It's just so stupid that my mind makes me go through this. You'd think it'd hate it now. You'd think it'd listen to my begging and put me out of my misery and obliterate all those memories.

It won't. Probably because it wants to remember.

I want to remember.

I want to remember when I was happy. I want to remember when Hikaru and I would run around outside. When we'd have mud fights and the gardener would get mad because we destroyed the flowers.

I want to remember when I was Kaoru.

I don't want to remember the pain. I don't want to remember crying because Hikaru wasn't by my side to hug and to talk to me. I don't want to remember the isolation I felt that time.

I don't want to remember when I stopped being Kaoru.

I take another drink for the hell of it.

I can remember it all. Tamaki's dramatic gestures and his damn helpfulness. Haruhi's bluntness and her commoner wisdom. Kyouya's shadow schemes and his cool attitude. Hunny with his childish innocence and his cakes. Mori's silence and his sturdy presence.

Oh yes, I remember it.

I clearly remember the best times I ever had there.

And with Hikaru.

Hikaru is a bittersweet memory. I miss him the most, but in so many ways, I loathe him the most.

Hikaru is the one who makes me hurt and makes me want to cry. Hikaru is the one that makes me feel angry and punch walls. Hikaru is the one that makes me feel lonely and lost.

If I remember Hikaru, I remember both happiness and pain.

Then I think of that day when remembering Hikaru. That day that destroyed everything I ever had.

I feel a tear sliding down my face. Oh, how pitiful. I wipe it away and take another drink. It's not doing much but maybe if I keep going, I'll feel something. Other than agony, that is. I don't care how pathetic I sound anymore.

"Kaoru. I want to kiss you."

That's when I scream and that's when I throw the bottle against the wall. Damn it! I don't want to remember that!

My mind never listens.

"Hikaru, really?"

It hurts. It just hurts too much.

The ecstasy I felt when he finally kissed me and when we finally felt complete. It felt so wonderful and I can still feel his lips and I can still hear our hearts pounding at the same exact time. Our arms wrapped around each other and the touches that made us feel happier than we ever felt.

Then I can still feel the pain and nausea I felt as it all went away in one brief moment.

I can imagine everything to the finest details still. Hikaru and I kissing, feeling like the world had stopped. We were happy. There was no more to hide and there was no more worries about each other. We knew everything then.

And then a maid had walked in and screamed. The dim-witted woman should have known you're supposed to knock. She had probably gotten fired. He didn't know.

What he did know is how fast they had broken apart.

Then, one of the only times, our mom comes to see what the commotion is. It doesn't take a genius to figure out what had just gone on.

The happy, soft moment completely ruined and our mother just standing there with a disappointed almost sad look on her face. The maid still stood there, looking as if she just witnessed a murder.

I shut my eyes and allow myself to cry.

I'm shipped off to America. Mom claiming she's going to try and do something right.

I never even said good bye to Hikaru. Said it wouldn't be good for us.

But what I did see was Hikaru struggling to get away from the servants who were keeping him away from me, and Hikaru just looking desperately at me as I got into the limousine. And the last thing I heard?

"Don't take Kaoru away!"

It had sounded so weak and childish how he had screamed that.

It was the only thing I kept hearing in my mind for so long.

By this time, I'm bawling, hugging myself desperately, and my fingernails are digging into my skin. I don't notice it much. Physical pain can be healed or at least it's something you can get over.

It's true. You know how I know? That's because when I went to that school in America, some guys in one way or another found out why I was there. Don't they always find out? They didn't really want an incestuous gay kid at their school. Especially one who 'stole' all the girls.

I was a dainty little rich kid and there was no way I could win against those guys on the wrestling team.

You see, I got over the bruises and that sprain I got. I never even cried once over them.

But I cried every night because I missed Hikaru.

I sigh and look at where I threw the bottle. I should clean it up. I could get hurt if I walked on a piece of glass. Not right now, though. I'm either too drunk or too depressed to want to.

Actually, I'm not depressed. Not at all. Cynical? Most definitely. But never depressed.

I just don't know who I am. I'm not sure if it's because Hikaru isn't by my side and that was the only way I knew I was Kaoru. Or if Hikaru and I were one person in some way and since half of me was gone, all of me was gone.

It sounds like some tragic Romeo and Juliet story. Except I haven't killed myself.

I'd say the same about Hikaru but I'm never sure and that's what scares me the most. I never know if he's okay. For all I know, he could be dead. That's my worst fear.

I guess it's as simple as calling, or just going to Japan to look for him. But as stupid as it sounds, I'm scared. He could have changed and maybe what happened was for the best. Maybe it's a good thing I just stay away. After all, all I've really wanted was to make sure Hikaru was happy.

Besides, he can't need me too much since he's never called me. Or came to see me. He must be happy.

Or dead.

No. I won't believe that for a minute because if he's dead I'm dead and I don't want to die because I want to see him one last time before I do.

That's when I hear a knock on the door. Damn anybody who ruins my moment of suffering. I'll just go drunkenly yell at whoever it is. That'll show them.

But when I open the door, I see me.

At least, that's how most would think. Not me. I'm an identical twin. I would know this double me anywhere.

"Hikaru?"

I rub my eyes, trying to make sure I'm not having some drunken hallucination or I'm not sleeping. I've dreamed about Hikaru so many times so it's always best to make sure.

I'm not dreaming because when my eyesight clears up, Hikaru is still there.

The weird thing is, we look alike. Other than the obvious. We have the same hairstyle and we're both wearing suits.

Strange how the twin bond works.

"So, Kaoru, you going to let me in?"

I nod slightly and move so he can come in. I'm still in shock.

He looks around and frowns. "Man, this place is small! I thought you owned some book publishing place." He then looks at me. "Why are you living like this?"

I shrug, the disbelief going away a little bit. "I-I guess I like it here." I turn to him, and I wonder what I'm showing in my eyes. Surprise? Sadness? Love? Or maybe I look drunk. Probably drunk. "What are you doing here Hikaru?"

"I came to see you!" Hikaru says, grinning and somehow, I feel like he hasn't really changed. Lucky. I guess I was right.

"You know, this place smells like alcohol. Are you drinking?"

I point to where I threw the bottle and wonder why this moment isn't nearly how I imagined it. I imagined us hugging and saying how we missed each other. No, I'm acting like some idiot.

"Remember when we snuck into Mom's liquor cabinet when we were eight?"

I snap out of my thoughts and remember the moment. "Yeah." I laugh. Actually laugh. "We spit it out and said it tasted bad."

Hikaru looks serious and says just as seriously as he looks. "Then why the hell are you drinking?"

Okay, that definitely just pissed me off.

"I'm an adult. That was twenty-nine years ago. Things change!" I snarl, glaring at him before I sit down on my couch. I could have sworn I just lost my temper a bit. Wasn't he the one who lost his temper? What the hell has happened? Things have clearly changed.

He sits down next to me and grumbles. "Yeah obviously. Damn, Kaoru. What's happened?"

"Nineteen years has happened."

Silence. We were never silent before. We hated silence.

I break it. I still hate it.

"So, what's happened to the rest of the host club?" I don't care right now, really. I just want to hear Hikaru.

"Huh?" He asks, clearly being broken out of a trace. He seems to understand and replies. "Um, Kyouya runs a bunch of…well, stuff. I don't think any of us knows what he runs. Hunny runs a dojo and Mori helps out. Tamaki became a model-"

I start laughing and wheeze out, "A model? I should have seen that coming." Then when I stop laughing, Hikaru is smiling and then I realized maybe some of the ice had thawed.

"I know. He married Haruhi who became a lawyer."

That doesn't shock me too much. I think we all saw it. "How'd that happen? Last I knew Haruhi wasn't exactly in love with Tono." Did I just call Tamaki Tono? I haven't called him that in so long.

My brother smiles and says. "I got them together."

Now that does shock me. After all, Hikaru was just never the type to be a matchmaker.

"How?"

"Well, I was dating her. I guess you can't exactly call it dating. More like trying to have a partner in crime. Haruhi isn't much for pranks." He says this while looking at me. He means he wanted to replace me. It can be taken in so many ways and I don't trust myself to define it. "Well, Tono was in a depression over it so I got them together. I think Haruhi just said yes to make me happy anyway."

I nod, looking away. I don't know what to do.

"You know, being a fashion designer isn't nearly as fun as I thought it'd be. Maybe because you aren't there doing it with me like we planned."

"Hikaru?"

"Kaoru, I don't know what to do."

At least we share something in common right now.

I just keep looking away from him because who knows what I could see if I do.

But Hikaru always was the one to act like a child and I guess it never really went away as I feel him pull my face towards his.

"Damn it, Kaoru! I came all the way here to see you and now you're acting like this!"

That was the last straw.

I pull my face away from his and stand up. "You know, Hikaru, brother, my dear twin, you make it sound like you've suffered or something and it's all my fault! Guess what," I'm yelling this, and probably look like a madman. "It isn't! I mean, you never came earlier and then you decide to just randomly come here? Why now? Why now after nineteen fucking years!"

It was to be expected he'd yell back.

"Maybe because you never came to see me!"

"That's because I was scared!"

"Scared of what?"

Our sibling love is interrupted by a knock on the door and I give an exasperated sigh. I stomp over and open the door. "What the hell do you want?"

It's Mrs. Angeline.

"I keep hearing yelling from this damn apartment! Keep the ruckus down you bastard!" She yells, and then sees Hikaru and looks between us. She glares before she walks away but you can clearly hear 'Now there are two of them, the bastards!'

I shake my head and close the door when I hear Hikaru laughing.

"Nice neighbor."

I smile. "Yeah."

Now things are awkward again. Great. We were getting something until that old hag had to interrupt us. It may have been a fight and they're usually bad. But it was something, at least.

"You never answered my question."

"Huh?"

Hikaru frowns. "Why were you scared to see me?"

I motion for him to sit down because I know we're both bound to be in some deep conversation or some crap like that.

"Hikaru, you have to know something. My biggest wish was never yours. You just wanted to be with me and that's all you ever wanted." He's about to speak before I put my hand on his mouth. "Shut up until I finish, 'kay?" He nods and I continue. "My biggest wish was for you to be happy. If it meant making myself suffer, it didn't matter. After all, if you weren't happy, I wasn't happy-"

I'm interrupted by a slap across my face. I'm shocked none the less because Hikaru has never really hurt me other than when we wrestled when we were children. But Hikaru has never done anything like that to me. I look at him bewilderedly.

He looks mad. Maybe he still is the one who loses his temper quickly. Maybe things haven't changed I think to myself hopefully but realize it's a serious situation we're in right now. If Hikaru hit me, it was bad.

"You're a moron, Kaoru. The biggest moron to ever grace this planet." He laughs and then goes back to looking angrily at me. "Plus selfish. I mean, you just assume what my happiness is and then don't care if you actually may be hurting me more than helping me. That's why you freakin' stayed away from me? Damn you!" He does something that shocks me more than the slap he gave me. Hurts me more too than that stinging sensation I feel on my cheek.

He starts crying. Hikaru never really was much for crying. He said it made him look like a baby.

"I missed you so much! I cried all the time thinking about you and all Mom ever did was keep saying 'I have to do something right for once!'. Every night I kept that pillow you used near me and kept smelling it because it smelled like you! Everybody thought I was crazy for doing that! You can't imagine how hard I cried when it no longer smelled like you! And then you're going on about what makes you happy when you're so fucking wrong!"

I can only stare on in shock that hasn't worn off.

He keeps looks at me, still crying. "I thought maybe you would fit in in America. I thought maybe Mom was right and it was for the best. But Kaoru, it never felt right! It always felt painful and the pain never left me but I had to handle it!"

Now he just starts sobbing loudly. I do the only thing I can and wrap my arms around him. I wonder if it's unusual for a uke to hold a seme but it doesn't really matter. I'm crying too now. For some reason, we keep crying and I'm not sure why.

We're together right now, we shouldn't be crying. They aren't even tears of joy. Tears of joy don't sting your eyes.

When we finally break apart, we look at each other and start laughing as we wipe the tears out of our eyes. It's like some Host Club script gone terribly wrong but that's probably the greatest thing about it.

It's completely us.

Something, I guess, we hadn't been a very long time.

It's great and I feel like I'm sixteen.

We talk about what happened to us during the years we were apart. He gets mad when I tell him how I got beat up from those guys at the school I went to. I tell him to calm down before he breaks a blood vessel and we laugh again.

The old Kaoru is returning.

No, the real and only Kaoru is returning. The one that's me and not some drunk who abuses his employees. That was never me and it'll never possess me again since Hikaru's here.

Hikaru's life without me hadn't been as glamorous as much as I hoped it would. I had hoped he'd found a wife and had some kids and was living his days full of happiness and other sappy things.

"Therapy sucked." He laughs a little and then sighs. "I mean, the therapist kept telling me it was unnatural to love you and then he told Mom and Dad how it was their fault this happened. I told Mom I wanted out. I was really sick of hearing the therapist drone on and on about individuality. I think he thought I loved you because I thought you were me or something. I mean, how freakin' weird is that?"

I laugh and nod.

That's all we keep doing is laughing. I bet anything Hikaru hasn't laughed much either.

It feels great. It feels like nothing's ever changed. It feels like some cloud that kept raining on me is finally going away and I could finally find that pot of gold at the end of rainbow.

I ask him about the maid that caught us and he says she was fired. I can't help but be glad. She was basically the one that ruined us and maybe it's mean, but I hope she's in Hell, burning. I guess it's a little immature but I bet Hikaru feels the same way.

When I ask him how he found me and he tells me, I guess he was right that there probably aren't many Hitachiins in America.

"Kaoru, I have a question."

"What?"

He looks uncomfortable and says quietly. "Were you ever mad I kissed you? I mean, it's sort of the reason why we were separated. I was always sort of scared you were mad…"

He looked nervous and I really wanted to tease him but I don't think that was something he needed right now.

"No," I answer and get closer. "Never. I felt happier than I'd ever been."

Hikaru just smiles and rests his head on my shoulder. "Good. 'Cause I liked it too." then he kisses my neck once and I shiver. I missed way too much time with him. " Do you remember why I kissed you?"

I shake my head and then frown since I can't remember.

All of the sudden I feel myself being pushed down onto the couch and Hikaru grinning like a mad cat at me and purrs. "Because I loved you and still do."

I don't even have time to tell him of my undying love before I feel his lips on mine, but I could care less.

I feel the happiness I felt nineteen years ago.

Except nineteen times greater.