"Sara, Smile For Me..."
disclaimer: CBS, CSI or characters are not mine. I only have my imagination.
"Come on, Sara. Smile for me."
"Catherine..."
"Please?"
I look at my beautiful Catherine. Her face is paler than usual. And I kneel beside our bed, take her hand in mine and give her my number one smile.
She whispers, "there, baby. That wasn't too hard, was it?"
I kiss her tiny hand and whisper. "You're the only one who can make me smile, baby, and You know I'll only smile for you and you alone." I run my hand gently on her now short strawberry blond hair, "come on, baby. It's nearing midnight, you need to rest."
She looks me in the eye, "come to bed, baby."
"Are you sure?" I normally sleep on the recliner near the bed.
"I miss you so much, Sara."
I kiss her lips gently, "okay."
She moves a little to the side and every movement she winces in pain. I know she's hurting bad but still she doesn't say a word. I slowly climb into bed next to her.
She says quietly, "Hold me, Sara."
"Always." I carefully drape my arm around her and she snuggles closer.
In minutes her breathing evens. I know she's fallen asleep. And I quietly cry beside her.
She was diagnosed with uterine cancer six months ago. It was in it's end stage and she wasn't given that much to live. And I don't know why it wasn't caught earlier. But that didn't stop Catherine from giving up. She fought like hell, going through all the tests, radiation and chemo like a pro. And I was at her side at all times. I held her hand through every treatment, through every doctor's appointment. I was by her side holding her hand when the doctor told us that it was spreading, that there was no hope.
We went out picking up scarves as her hair started to fall out. We both joked at the different wigs she can use. We both laughed when she tried the clown wig. That day was a fun day for her, for us. It was also one of our last outings together.
We both fought hard, very hard all the way to the end.
You need to understand that her spirit was not giving up... but it was her body that was slowly was surrendering.
I acted strong for her, for us, for Lindsey. And I never cried in front of my Catherine. I promised myself that. I didn't want her to see me being broken down by watching a beautiful vibrant woman that I love with my life slowly being eaten by this ravaging, selfish disease. I didn't want her to see me falling apart because I know it will break her. So I stood by her every step of the way even if it hurt me so bad to see her slowly fall.
But when she's asleep, I cry quietly.
I cry out to God asking why. Why Catherine? Why us? She doesn't deserve this! She shouldn't have this! Not my Catherine! God, I shouldn't watch her die. I shouldn't watch the love of my life die a torturous, slow death. She's not suppose to leave me! Not like this!
We planned to retire together in a couple more years, sit by the beach on warm afternoons and watch the sunset. We were suppose to walk the aisle with Lindsey when she marries next year. We were suppose to watch our first grandchild grow together, spoil the tiny tyke to pieces.
We were suppose to grow old together. Together. Me and Catherine, together.
It was a promise we made that we were suppose to be together... forever.
She was not suppose to die, not like this. Not like this at all.
I wake up to the sound of my digital watch. It's time for her pain medication again. Moving slowly through the dark I find my way to her night stand and pick up the prescription bottle. I pour water into her glass and slowly wake her up.
Kneeling beside her bedside, I stroke her face gently, "Sweetheart, it's time for your medicine."
She stirs a little and opens her eyes, "what time is it?"
"It's time for your medication, baby." I lift her head up a little and place the straw on her lips and she takes a sip. "Here, sweetie." Placing the pill on her tongue, she takes another sip.
"What will I do without you?" She often asks me this question in the wee hours of morning when I prepare her medication.
I always smile and kiss her gently. "Go back to sleep, baby."
Often times I don't answer or I just change the subject because what will I do without her? Each day is killing me knowing her time is near, very near.
We've been together for more than seven years, married for five. It wasn't easy at first but every step with Catherine was worth every breath I take with her. We've been through bad times together, and we've been together with great times as well. We've fought, argued, and we've thrown tantrums at each other. We've made passionate love after each and every disagreement we've had. That was a part of us: to never let the sun go down without making up.
I love her so damn much.
Everyday and every moment with Catherine is treasured. I don't need a camera to take pictures because she is already imprinted in my heart and soul. I know every little detail of her face, her body, her life. The past, present and I was hoping the future. I will always hope for our future till the day she leaves me.
The way she smiles still makes my heart skip a beat. Her simple touch still makes my skin tingle. The softness of her voice echoes throughout my soul.
I want to remember. I want to remember...and it hurts.
I'm waking up to the voice of Lindsey. She took a month's leave from her work in Washington DC as an attorney to one of the biggest firms to be with her mother.
"Sara." She whispers my name again. I thought I was dreaming because it was the same whispered voice three years ago when she pulled me to the side. She was excited with what she was going to tell me.
"Sara," she whispered pulling me to the side. "I'm graduating with high honors!" She looks at me with this huge smile.
I hugged her with all my might that I practically lifted her off her feet. "Congratulations, Linds! Have you told your mom yet?" Catherine was busy in the kitchen preparing dinner.
"No, not yet. I want to surprise her at graduation when they call both of your names so you two can pin my medal for academic excellency!"
I look at her, "you...you want me to be up there, too?"
"Sara, I want my family with me up there. And you are part my family." She crosses her arms across her chest and pouts, "I will not accept a 'no.' Either you and Mom walk the stage together or I'm not attending my graduation. There!" She is so like her mother. Stubborn and determined, but hell, I love her like a daughter.
I 'm grining ear to ear. "Okay then, we'll be there!"
Lindsey's graduation was one of Catherine's proudest moment. I had to hold her close because she was trembling and crying as we walked to the stage. She couldn't stop hugging her daughter. I glared at the dean when he was about to tap Cathrine's shoulder but he saw my hands balled into a fist ready to pounce him if he did. I would've decked him if he tried to tell Catherine that that was enough. No one rains of my family's parade. No one. And yes, I am very protective of my family. They're all I've got in life.
"Sara."
This time I opened my eyes. Lindsey was kneeling on my side of the bed, whispering my name again.
"What is is, honey?"
"Uncle Gil is here." She says quietly.
"Okay, I'll be there." I slowly move from Catherine's side, careful not to wake her up.
I go downstairs quietly. Bringing the the baby monitor with me so I could hear her whenever I'm not by her side.
"Hey, Gil." I greet my supervisor with a smile.
He gives me a hug. "How is she?"
"Not better, not worse."
Grissom comes in every day after his shift. Sometimes he's accompanied by Warrick or by Nick. Oftentimes with Greg, who usually breaks down and cries everytime he sees Catherine. Most of the times I have to pull him out of the room when I see if he's about give in, I have to scold him when he does this. Oftentimes we go to the next room and I hug Greg and we cry together.
Grissom stays and waits till Catherine wakes up. He tells her about his night, the cases they've had and how she is missed, sometimes he asks her advice or what her thoughts were about a certain case. He fills her in about work, making sure she's still part of it. She is his best friend, and has been for more than fifteen years and I know even if he doesn't say or show it, I know it's also breaking him watching his best friend slowly leaving.
Today Grissom came alone and now he is talking quietly with his best friend.
I watch her slowly getting weaker as days go by. Our ritual continues. Everyday being cherished.
But today was different.
"Sara, smile for me." Her voice is barely a whisper.
I kneel at the side of our bed, hold her hand and kiss it. I smile for my Catherine. "It's you and me forever, babe."
She touches my face gently. And I try to fight the tears.
"I'm tired, baby."
"Go back to sleep, baby. I'm here."
"No," she looks at me with tears slowly forming in her eyes, "I'm tired, Sara."
"Catherine..." God, please, no! I'm not ready! I'm not ready to say goodbye!
"I want to go on for you and Lindsey but..." She stops to catch her breath, "baby, I'm...tired So tired."
God, no...please. Don't take her...
"Honey, let me call Lindsey." My heart is beating fast. I pick up my cell phone with trembling hands and call Lindsey who was downstairs, I call her sister and mother. I call Grissom.
She whispers again, "Sara, smile for me..."
I smile through my tears. Her hand again touches my face, slowly wiping my tear stained cheeks. This time I cannot control my emotions. Through crying I continue to kiss her gently.
"It's okay, honey." She says to me.
How can it be okay? How can it be so fucking okay?1 I'm losing her, I'm losing the love of my life! How can it be okay?
"Catherine..." I want to beg her to stay but I know it would be for my own selfish reasons. Mainly that I could not bear the thought of living without her. What would be my purpose for existing? I live for her, I breathe for her. I wake up because of her.
I am nothing without my Catherine. She completes me.
But... I have to let her go. It's the hardest thing to do. Letting go...
And I continue to cry.
Lindsey comes in and kneels by her bedside. I stand up and look out the window. It is such a beautiful day, the sun is shining brightly with blue skies all over. Me and Catherine would drive to the park on days like this. Sit on our favorite bench and watch the kids play. We'd talk about Lindsey, how fast she's grown up and how proud we both are at her achievements. We'd talk about work and about our friends. We'd talk about the present and our future. We'd talk about our furniture, should we move the couch near the window and the coffee table a little to the left? We'd talk about what to cook for dinner or if we should dine out. We'd talk about our flower garden. Should we plant this or that? We'd talk about our love for each other, hold hands and giggle like school girls caught talking about their crushes.
On a day like this we would've been in the park talking. Me and my beautiful Catherine by my side.
I look at mother and daughter, they're talking in hushed tones. Lindsey is trying to hold it together but eventually she turns to me and I rush and kneel by her side and she hugs and cries on my shoulder.
I know her end is nearing. And it is tearing me apart.
Grissom comes upstairs followed by Nick and Warrick. I can hear Greg sobbing downstairs. Brass arrives with Sofia. Soon Nancy and her mother come.
One by one they all kneel by her side. She talks to each of them as she says her goodbyes. She tells them each how much they mattered to her, how much she loved them, and how much they've brought comfort and joy to her life. She wished them the best of the best, to not take a single day for granted, to live to the fullest. To enjoy life with loved ones. She even asked for Greg who tried his best but soon broke down when she spoke to him.
Grissom comes up last, kneeling and holding her hand, tears freely falling down his cheeks.
Now I have only seen him cry twice in my life. The first was at his mother's funeral years ago and the second was today. He is crying because his best friend is leaving.
Then she calls me, her voice is so weak. I kneel beside her and give her a gentle hug. I kiss her and tell her that I love her. For always and forever. I whisper in her ear, "it's okay, baby. We're all here. If you need to sleep, just close your eyes."
She tries to smile at me one last time and again barely a whisper she says, "Sara, smile for me."
I smile at the love of my life.
A faint smile graces her face as she looks at me then she slowly closes her eyes. And her grip loosen from my hand.
I know she's gone.
My Catherine is gone.
hope I did right...
angelle