Guess again.

Progressive Absurdity Part 6

- A 3D projected hologram ! No, no, I've got it! You were never there, and I'm hallucinating from soda poisoning!

That would be a good cop-out! I'll have to keep that in mind for later.

Smack. Zim's feeble hands, throwing a small rock at him, as hard as he could. It felt real.

- Ok, ok, I've got it this time ! You're a space ghost! Ouch! Not again, come on! Ok, ok, you're not fake! You're real! Real I tell you !

Offended snickering. Of course I'm real.

Zim spat.
How many times he had since they had been sited on this bench, he had no idea. But the weird green -what else?-, oozing liquid that had been pouring from his mouth was a perfectly natural reaction to Dib arbitrarily shoving most of his forearm up his throat.
It kept flowing up to his absence of lips, dripping down his absence of chin, making him look like some kind of irradiated rabid dog. It made it a bit difficult to focus on the boy's stupid theories.

Despite a somewhat shaky start, some frantic running across the cold outsides, a few tree hitting and a some glowing eyes following them in the shadows, the crazy human hadn't shown any sign that he might actually flip out and act violent.
He actually acted very tame for a while, when he finally hit the bench he was looking for. Literally.

Dib tripped, severely hurting his knees, while Zim was thrown off to the ground. The human panicked, which was to be expected. As if he had forgotten how many trips, falls, hits and generally painy hurty unpleasantness the Alien had gone trough.
He probably had.
It didn't stop him to rush to his "rescue" before he could get up by himself -which he totally could- to pick him up again.

A lonely wooden bench, partially covered in moss, left to decay in a corner. Despite all efforts, Dib did not remember buying, or even building it. It was just kind of there.
After a quick check for salubrity and weight resistance, he was pleasantly surprise at how comfy the thing was.
Jeez, I just hope the Vampires did not hand sculpted it just for me. Of course they did. I'm not even surprised it was them who did it. Who else? Fishmen aren't that great carpenters.
He was, nevertheless, surprised by the time he took him to catch his breath, after barely running a few hundred meters. Maybe he did need exercise after all?

As hard as he tried not to, he ended up plopping Zim clumsily onto the hard wood, before sitting by his side, a little closer than intended.

Dammit Zim, not fair! You got heavier, and I didn't get any stronger.

And there they were.

Alone(?), at night, on this stupid bench. Drown in an uncomfortable silence, that Dib tried and failed to break here and there, using awkward sentences devoid of any meaning.

- I thought we wouldn't make it... dude, I can't breathe... how long since I actually ran? Oh yeah, there was that time when that guy from Zax confused me with food or a concubine or I don't know what, but really... I used to run like, ALL the time when I was a kid. After you, mainly. Man! I was so sure Ed wasn't going to let us out. You don't know him. Oops, sorry!... I mean... you don't know how he became. Terribly possessive. Hysterical. And so very patronizing. Good for you he isn't yours anymore. No! That's not what I meant! Damn it! Sheesh, it's so dark around here! Your eyes glow in the dark, did you know that? Of course you did.

Zim pretended not to hear, and the awkward silence was back with a vengeance.

The tall human looked uneasy, flinching and fidgeting, visibly thinking. He opened his mouth a few times, shut it, shook his large head, stayed still. He stayed silent for a while, face down, lost in thoughts.
Zim was beginning to slowly drift into shallow slumber when, out of nowhere, Dib jumped on him.

One of his foot crashed against the wood, a few inches away from his green head. In a split second, Dib grabbed the alien's skull, forced his mouth open, and plunged his other hand inside, reaching as far as he could. Zim didn't really had time to fight back, soon the boy's hand found what it was looking for, caught it, rattled it all the way from his throat to his mouth. The rattling sensation was less than pleasing.

- ... found it.

Dib jerked away to his feet, stumbling a little, holding something squiggly in his tightly closed hand. He took a second to look at it, then threw it at the alien.

- Here. Problem effin' solved.

A centipede. At least it looked like one, made of pinkish metal, covered in green goo, writhing on the wood surface like an injured bird. The expression's on Zim's face disputed anger to surprise. He grabbed the weird bug, watching it squiggling around, observed it closely for a bit. Frowning deeply, he held it to Dib, gesturing with his other arm at the young man, who raised his hands in defeat.

- I have no idea.

This openly detached attitude feuded Zim's growing anger.

Without warning, he stood up, threw the centipede on the ground and proceeded to stomp on it, possessed with rage.
His stomping was cut short, however, as a wave of green bile came flowing from his mouth. Surprise overtook anger as the vomiting continued, leaving no room to breathe, the alien desperately clasping his hands over his mouth in a vain effort to contain the flow.

It was too much for Dib. Too much at once.
He had done it. He had taken his first real, meaningful decision.
Not counting breaking his vow of not stooping down to violence.

And now he had to run away from it.

As expected when faced with actual consequences, Dib immediately defaulted back to his distant, uncaring, negating reality attitude.

To his credit, this was an incredible achievement, for him at least.

- No, no. I take it back. - He mumbled weakly- I take it all back. Forget everything I said. I never meant it.

Lies. Lies everywhere.

Zim was clearly choking now, down on his knees, noisily gasping for air.

- I don't care if I hurt you or not.

Proving his point, he gratified his enemy with a solid kick in the back, which had him stop choking.

- Because. You are not real. You're some kind of trick from Ed or the Morons to get me to get on grip on my life. Or a robot.

A mop of dirt and a bit of grass hit him square in the face. He didn't care.

More importance matters where at stakes now.

It was time for Zim's voice to come back.

The decisive choice to help end this story actually appeared a few hours prior, while he was still in the woods, ready to come home and open his newfound parcel.

- Incoming call!

squeaked his very unique and very annoying cell phone.
The human stopped, out of pure reflex, while the creature accompanying him cringe a little at the sound and light. Incoming calls were part of Dib's job, and he was a good, dedicated worker.
But Heck, he did not expect it right now.

- Whut?!

- Incoming call!

Sadly only because there was little to nothing more going on in his life... until tonight.

- Hurr... no, I can't take it!

- You should. It's anonymous. Those are the best kind!

- ...

Why do every piece of machinery I own insist on giving me their opinions?! I don't care about any calls. Yet you still took your cell phone out, didn't you? Can you say "desperate"?
Shut up. I'm not going to answer anyway. I have no time to lose.
What if it's work. Maybe it's work. You need to work. You need that job. To earn monnies. To eat. To stay alive. Too OK I GET IT
Frick. I do need to eat. Sometimes.
Dammit, Dib. Why must you now out of all time be sensible.

- I swear Ed, if it's YOU playing around, I'll reformat your hard drive with an axe.

Indeed. Despite himself, he took the tiny device out of his vest pocket, and gestured for the caller ID to come up.

From... "unknown caller". Flashing green words on a purple background. Riight.
Good move guys, calling anonymously. No one will suspect a thing. A shame the Irken logo is still there and so huge, too.
Ok, as you wish. You want some of this? I'll give you a piece of my mind.

He was kind of tense like that. It was their fault. His trip outside in the cold woods had mellowed him out a little, but the reminder of those two's existence was enough to send him right back to grumpy.

Before answering, he shot a brief look at the person walking being him.

- Just a sec.

The other nodded, parcel in one hand. Vampires were patient people.

- Put them on.

- On!

The image flicked, and soon Purple was giving him a stupid smile...

- No, guys, give it up! I'm running away! I'm taking Zim with me and I'll never have to see you again!

Before he had time to say "hi", the human was already screaming in his face. But it was not like Purple to actually react properly to any non life threatning situation. His antenna briefly flattened against his head, eyes closing for a second, opening them right back, still smiling.

- Oh. And when will you be back?

This degree of apathy was enough for Dib's aggressive attitude to drop.

- ... I'm running away. -he insisted softly, trying to be as clear as possible- You'll never see me again. So I guess, never is your answer. I'll never be back.

- I see. But would you say, "never" as in, "half an hour", or maybe, "a day"?

- I...

Something unusual suddenly striked him.

- ... wait. Where is the other one?

Purple stiffened, shooting a panicked glare at his left, offscreen. "Someone" was trying to "whisper shout" some random instructions Dib couldn't get, and didn't care about.

- Hum, where is Red? Erm...

Another look.

- Oh, yeah!

Back to the human.

- Red slipped.

Silence.

- He what?

- Slipped! Broke his skull real bad. Had to remove it for a time. Cannot chat with you now!

More silence. Dib sighed.

- I can't believe it. He left you all alone to deal with the crazy human... what a drag!

Dib, Dib, shuddup, you have no time for this, remember who they are... who HE is... FOCUS... you already were VERY lucky your last misadventure did not have Earth blown up... I can't... they're just ASKING for it... can't help myself... must regain control...

Purple put on a pouting face, bringing his four claws on each side of nonexistent hips.

- Hey! Don't you talk like that of Red! He's got a good reason not to be there right now!

- Really? Like what?... you finally accepted the Truth and decided to actually act anorexic, instead of only looking like it?

DIB, FOR THE LOVE OF TREK I BEG YOU SHUT UP THIS IS NOT WORKING OUT
... look at him. He didn't understand a word of what you just said. His Thickness, saving your butt from YOURS.
But beware, Membrane. You won't always be THAT lucky.

- No! He... slipped... on a... pancake?

- Yeah, sure, slipped? While doing the Moonwalk I bet? Couldn't do it as good as you do, could he?

The vampire behind him was beginning to get annoyed. This conversation made no sense. Beside, he could do the Moonwalk better than anyone.

- Yeah! Exactly. Wait. No! How do YOU know about the Moondance?

- Moonwalk. And I... read a lot.

Why must I ALWAYS be dragged into endless, pointless arguing with these retards?

- Oh. Kay'! Oh, ah, I got it! He went to bed!

- You just told me he slipped on a pancake! At least be coherent in your lies!

- But I am! That's why he had to go to bed! He just couldn't think straight anymore.

- Without his head, no wonder.

- Yes. Sad, isn't it. Anyway. Can't be helped, can it?

Tell me...

- ... so he went to bed, and didn't even bother to wait for you to come?

Okay. I think it's a great time to swallow a whole bunch of cyanide pills now. Seppuku yourself. I'm afraid "To seppuku oneself" does not yet exist. Reason more. Invent it.

- ... what do you mean?

...

Noooo. Please, don't tell me this is real... saved again? Can't be. Can't be true. Can't believe it. Have to make sure NO

He opened his mouth slightly.

DIB FOR EVERYTHING THAT IS WORTH NOT DIRECTLY THROWING YOUR HEAD INTO THE MECHANICAL CRUSHER, DO NOT ASK, DO NOT ASK HIM ANYTHING, JUST DON'T NOT THE TIME NOT THE PLACE

- ... I only wondered if he was alright. Seeing you alone like this makes me kinda sad. It's like you're not whole anymore.

Yeah. Tallest need to be two to be one. Watching you alone like this, it's like there's no one in front of me.
Sad, but true. One Tallest is Nothing. Two Tallest is barely anything, but it at least means something.

- So you tell me Red is ... very sick.

Clear relief on Purple's face. The beast was finally buying it. He wasn't such a bad liar after all.

- Yeah... poor Red...

- Is that why you're calling me? Because I have no time for this now.

- Oh, no, no! No for that at all!

A light tap on the young man's shoulder from behind him. What are you waiting for?! He gestured his companion to be just a little more patient.

- Poor Red indeed, but he's not the worst to pity. I mean, he even is the luckier of the two, if you want my advice.

- ... what do you mean?...

Doubt was beginning to show on the green face. Falling right into the trap, like the good little Tallest he was.

- What do I mean? -Dib went on- what about you? You're left here, alone, on your own to deal with all the duties and problems! Imagine... imagine if something really-really dirty falls on your mighty shoulders, how will you deal with it, all by yourself? Oh, of course, you're loaded with a whole court, slaves and servant who will do all the work for you, but in the end on the day, when you'll extend your... claws to grab some chips, you'll suddenly realize you've got no one to eat them with... when you'll be tired and fed up with your daily Tallest responsibility, there'll be none to share the annoyment with. "

Tallest Purple was greying. In his thick head, Red was already dead and buried, and the future this human was presenting him with was not made to please him.
Anyway, the beast kept on talking.

- No one will ever understand again what a burden it is to be the Emperor of the Irken Empire... the heavy, heavy Burden of Power... with no one by your side to hold your arm.

It seemed like poor Purple had lost a few centimeters, somewhere along the speech. Fact was, he didn't seem that tall right now.
Okay, time for the last blow.

- ... but you won't be sad, no, never. Because you are strong, because you are tall, and perfectly able to make it on your own. After all, who needs a co-ruler to deal with war matters? With food transaction? Even alone, at night, in your room... who needs someone by his side as long as he's got the Power?

Red leaped from behind the screen. Jumping to his sibling, grabbing him tightly, half-suffocating him against his praying mantis-like chest.

- Red! You've got better? I'm so glad!

- I never was sick in the first place, silly!

- Ah, yeah, that's true. The illusion. Silly me. I'm so glad anyway! *

*Squeeze*
Awwwww...

- Did you see how well I lied?! Did you see?!

- Yeah, Pur. You lied reeeaal good. I'm proud of you. Next time, you get to do the peace-offering with Deadly Emperor Krypto.

- Guys!... -interrupted Dib, slightly angry from getting his butt cheek pinched by the annoyed vampire, pressing him to cut to the chase- I don't care. Whatever. I have no more time to lose. Just tell me what you want, and let's get over it. Please guys! Tell me what you want. I've got a lot of things to deal with Zim. He is not well at all.

- So what?

- He's dying.

- Gwah! Again! And what from, now?

- Please. Please. Just tell me what you want. Just that. You're going to do it! You're gonna to tell me NOW! Or I'll...

Silence.

- Or you?...

- Or I'll... do stuff to you!

More silence.

- "And what can you do, little human? "

Hey, no fair, you were supposed to shout "no, not stuff!" and be terrified and whatnot. So you people are NOT all the same? Dammit.

- I... I can ask "pretty please"...

- That's what we thought.

Grrrr. They got me here. Maybe a little butter would do the trick.

- Guys, listen. Since, I'm part of the Human Race (O really?) and therefore free of your control, I can allow myself to be respectful toward you of my own will. I might be the only one in that case. Should I bow before you?

Horrified glares.

- No! Please, please don't!

- Human, don't act silly! Think about the weight of your head! Once unbalanced, you might never be able to get up again!

Now that I have them both on-screen, there's no telling who's who apart from the color scheme. Weird.
You'll never know how lucky you've been not to be born the same eyes color.

- ...you'll never know how lucky you've been not to be born the same eyes color.

Wait. Did I just say that aloud?

- Thanks, human! That was very nice of you to say!

...

Insert a third entity in the Lucky Bastards Realm.

- WHAT. DID. YOU. WANT.

- Oh, that? Nothing.

...

- What?!

Red slowly pointed his finger to his colleague.

- Purple called you. I didn't want to. I don't know what he wants. But he didn't want to see you alone, you understand, since your brain broke down, no way to be sure if it's totally fixed and ready to work again, you know?

- Don't worry. I got burned, shocked and drowned. I should be fine.

- Very good. I shall leave you two alone. Pur? If the hu-man snaps again, call me, I'll end the call.

This is the most coherent thing I've ever heard from those two. This is kinda amazing. I guess they really like each other.

- Later, Pur.

The way they smile awkwardly at each other... the way he briefly squeezes his hand while leaving...

- Later, Rrrr.

It's just like some elderly couple, dammit, this is almost cu... WAIT.

- Your nickname is "Rrrr"?!

Red stopped in his track, to give the monkey man a superior look.

- Yes. His is "Pur", so mine is "Rrrr" logicall. Any more question?

Oh Screw you guy, not even grasping the concept of a nickname.

- No.

- Later, then.

- Hey, no, wait, here's one, what's mine?

But Red was already gone.

Once left alone, Purple immediately started fidgeting, hesitated, quickly verified Red was really gone, then half turned toward Dib again.

- Human...

He slowly brought his two-clawed hand to his own throat, violet eyes fixated somewhere else. Looking somewhat worried and uncomfortable. He bent closer to the screen, muttering almost guiltily:

- Ask 376654447 AFTH about "Shud-o-matic"...

Dib frowned.

- Eh? Ask who?... about what?...

- Purple? Have you seen the tacos? I left them over there, but I forgot if those were the ones made with living things inside, anyway, it's gone, did you seen one run past you?

The leader jerked violently, antennae slapping against the back of his flat skull. Then enthusiastically waved to Dib, granting him with one of the worst fake toothy grin he's ever seen.

- Ah, HAPPY NEW YEAR, HUMAN! -He claimed forcefully Have fun catching the starry eggs-thingy in the rabbit-socks!

And with that, the screen went black.

A minute Later, Dib was asking Ed about the cryptic message. Another minute, and he had his response.

God no. NO.
I can't face this right now.
Sorry Zim, this will have to wait.

And there they were. Again.

Dib did take a little while, after a rain of rocks, dirt, grass and everything Zim could grab and throw at him, to admit the alien was actually real. The aforementioned alien kept throwing stuff at him a good fives minutes after this admission.

- Oh that's it, you want it now? You want to duke it out for good? Bring it on! ... actually, don't. I'm way too tired and uninterested to have a fight with you.

Zim proceeded to burst out his usual hysterical fits of rage, jumping and throwing his fists in the air, blowing green goo everywhere, although the flow had drastically lessened.
But only weird, frail screeching sounds were actually coming out… better than nothing.
The alien was so engrossed in his anger that he didn't even noticed this prodigious progress in the recovery of his voice.
It was like watching Zim, his good old Zim, on mostly mute.
It should have been sad. But still...

Dib laughed out loud. He couldn't help himself. He never could stay serious whenever Zim threw a hissy fit. It was just so fricking funny. Even without words, the way he moved, the way his faced kept changing shapes... just hilarious.

- Ah... I'm sorry... haha... you're just... ha, oh man... I'm so sorry, I...

He stopped, taking a look at the Alien's face.

Zim didn't look angry anymore. His arms had fallen down, hanging stupidly to his sides. He kept his huge eyes fixated on the laughing young man, with a mix of surprise and fascination.

- Ah, you remembered, too... I used to... laugh at you when you did that... watching you go berserk was always such a blast...

Zim hit him.
Harder than he would have expected, and when he showed no sign of stopping, he had no choice but to strike him back.

This was not a glorious fight. Tired, angry, scared, frustated. But not glorious.
Both Zim and Dib had the shape and strength of a single match.
At this point, the best they could do was scratch and poke each other slowly, clumsily.
Zim managed to claw dib right under the eye, sending his glasses flying off.

Dib however, despite the pain of his open knees and elbows, -not counting the slight worry of never finding his glasses again- managed to get the alien on his back, sitting on his legs, preventing him from moving away AGAIN, trying to rain on the alien a bunch of sissy punches. Pummeling the green, plastic like skin him with inefficient hands.
It went "spweek".
Those comical sounds just served to enrage him even more.

- Stupid! Stupid monster! Your claws are worth nothing!

Punch.

- Your teeth are worth nothing!

Punch.

- Stupid lizard man! You're so stupid!

Punch.

- Where's your tail?! See if it grows back if I rip it off!

Zim finally found the strength to put a stop to this rambling by kicking him off, jumping to his feet.
Dib fell flat on his back.
And stayed there.

Briefly surprised by the sudden lack of motion of his adversary, Zim stood in place for a little while, waiting for Dib to get back on his feet, to strike back. It didn't happen.
Wondering idly if his last shot had actually killed the retarded monkey, a stifled sob had him freeze.

Followed by another, louder one. And another one.

- I… I can't do this anymore… it's too… t-too much… I can't… I'm no-not st-strong enough...

The human let out an angsty yelp, openly bawling nom. Loudly, messyly, like an infant would. Nothing more than a child's despair, water flowing from his eyes, born from the deep, open gash he was feeling in his chest.

- Zim matters…

The voice was faint, cracked, hardly audible. But Zim did his very best.

The shock provided by this single sentence had Dib silent for a fews seconds.

Zim was breathing heavily, shoulders humped, his body slightly battered, but still standing strong on his feet. His face was a mix of determination and resentment.

- I…

He asserted much louder, pointing his finger to his chest.

- … MATTER!

Razputin in Psychonauts is dubbed by the same voice actor as Zim. He's a sweet and clever boy, this is so weird to me.

Also, I'm no longer listing my references, and have no idea how much longer it will get.

Oh and it turns out Zim and Dib canonly actually like each others, as "friends": watch?v=ebIlhBsTAtY&feature=related

I have to make Zim speak, now. Dammit, this is harder than I thought.