Inamorato

By: firefly

Note: Happy (super)belated Valentine's Day, guys. XD This is PURE CRACK.

Inamorato

Few people would ever meet a person as eager-to-please as Tobi.

Guileless, hard-working, and unusually naïve—Tobi was a curious creature by nature and eager to learn new things. Should a new topic catch his interest, you'd be hard-pressed to find someone who'd dedicate himself to it with more passion than him.

He was the type of person who strived to understand and appreciate the heart of things.

When he dedicated himself to something, he'd put his soul into it.

There was no such thing as a Tobi who didn't put 100 effort into accomplishing his endeavors.

Unfortunately, nobody told Tobi that out of all the calendar holidays, Valentine's Day was the last one to be passionately celebrated in the company of seven homicidal men.

11:39 PM, February 13.

Tobi carefully pasted the last red paper heart on his senpai's card, creasing it on with the utmost of care. He stared at it for a moment, breaking into a wide smile before sitting back in his chair in relief.

All seven Valentine cards and their gifts were ready. He'd been working on them since earlier that afternoon, surreptitiously smuggling rolls of red, pink, and white construction paper into the storage room downstairs, and sneaking around the house trying to avoid the others as he readied their gifts.

Feeling accomplished, Tobi grabbed the dusty old book he had sitting by him, hugging it to his chest.

It was a battered old copy of an encyclopedia, something he stumbled upon when the Leader had ordered him to clean out the storage room. In it, he'd found a wealth of information, and eagerly he'd disappeared into his room with it to gain as much knowledge as he could.

As fate would have it, the encyclopedia hosted information about subjects starting with the letter U to the letter W, and by pure dumb luck he opened it to the segment all about subjects starting with the letter V.

Thus, Tobi came to learn about Valentine's Day.

The customs, the poetry, the symbolism, the love—he absorbed it all like a sponge, and as he turned the page to continue reading, his heart jumped into his throat when he saw when this wonderful holiday took place.

February 14.

Now, Tobi didn't have a sweetheart to call his own, but he did have people he cared about. Valentine's Day was about showing your love and appreciation towards your loved one, right? Would it matter if he had seven loved ones? He couldn't see why it would.

Tobi re-read the article on Valentine's Day two more times and then eagerly leapt to his feet, brimming with ideas on what to get his friends for tomorrow. None of them had mentioned it, so it was sure to come as a surprise.

Gleefully, Tobi clasped his hands under his chin.

Seven special gifts. Seven unique cards. Seven wonderful surprises. He couldn't wait to see the looks on their faces.

7:09 AM, February 14.

"Kisame."

No response.

"Kisame."

Still nothing.

A pillow sailed through the air, connecting solidly with the shark nin's face. Kisame woke with a start, sitting up abruptly with his hair askew.

"What?" he croaked groggily. "Are we under attack?"

Itachi was sitting on his own bed, staring at Kisame with a blank look on his face.

"Did you do this?"

"Do what?" Kisame asked, stifling a yawn and rubbing his eyes before turning to look at his partner.

There was a moment of silence where Kisame just stared at him, his face frozen in an expression of shock.

Then, something resembling a hiccup of a laugh sounded in his throat, followed by a throaty chuckle. Then he collapsed in full-blown laughter.

Itachi watched Kisame impassively as he fell to the floor, laughing hysterically.

"Itachi," he wheezed, glancing up at him from the floor, cheeks bulging in the effort to hold in the laughter. "W-Where did…how did those…?"

"That's why I'm asking if you did it," Itachi replied shortly, getting up to go look in the mirror.

Kisame continued laughing in the background as Itachi stared at his reflection…at the pink-framed, heart-shaped sunglasses that had inexplicably found their way onto his face. More than the sunglasses themselves, it was how they ended up on his face without him knowing that disturbed him the most.

Whoever did it must have been extremely stealthy, to the point of getting away with not waking the Uchiha Itachi; light sleeper extraordinaire.

"Hey, there's something under your pillow," Kisame said, catching Itachi's attention.

The Uchiha turned around (Kisame started laughing all over again) and blinked at the sight of a red envelope peeking out from beneath his pillow.

So the perpetrator had managed to get a pair of heart-shaped sunglasses on his face and an envelope under his pillow without him noticing? Impressive.

Itachi cautiously made his way over to his bed, slowly removing the pillow before squinting down at the envelope (It didn't occur to him to remove the sunglasses). In neat, cursive writing, it simply said:

For Itachi-san.

"Do you think it's an exploding note?" Kisame asked, somewhat unsettled by the bright red envelope.

Itachi slowly shook his head, reaching down to pick it up. He was starting to get an idea of who the culprit was, since there was only one person in the entire headquarters who addressed him with an honorific.

Kisame watched as Itachi ripped the side of the envelope, pulling out a brightly coloured, handmade card covered in hearts. It was doused in red sparkles that sprinkled down to the carpet and emitted a faint fragrance of flowers.

Itachi could only stare at it.

"What's it say?" Kisame asked, growing increasingly amused by the second.

Itachi opened the card, blinking at the neatly written passage on the inside cover. He slowly read it aloud, voice growing more and more monotonous with each passing second.

"Beautiful starshine

Growing brighter each day

We don't see you often

Since you're hiding away

I got you a present

Since you're so shy

It's something to hide behind

And keep the shine in your eyes."

Kisame choked on his own saliva as he made the connection between the glasses and the poem.

"Happy Valentine's Day," Itachi read on the other side, staring blankly at the card. "From Tobi."

Itachi was vaguely aware of the holiday and what it celebrated, but he had no idea how to react to the gift and the poem.

"Something to hide behind," Kisame said with a grin, nodding. "Hey starshine, those sunglasses will hide you, all right. Real inconspicuous."

Itachi ignored him and simply stuffed the card back into the envelope, tossing it onto his nightstand. It still didn't occur to him to take off the sunglasses. The tinted lenses were actually rather comforting on his increasingly sensitive eyes.

"I believe he also left you something," Itachi said, gazing pointedly at the box at the foot of Kisame's bed.

Kisame cautiously approached the box, and moved to pick it up when the box suddenly lifted away, revealing the present underneath.

"What the hell?" Kisame said blankly.

A fish tank containing a ceramic statue of a mermaid, some marbles, and a bunch of aquatic plants met his eyes. And nestled between the aquatic plants were two fish. Two kissing fish.

"Fish," Itachi surmised from where he stood. "He got you fish."

Kisame wordlessly reached for the red envelope taped to the side of the tank, tearing it open and raising the card to his eyes.

"…Tobi's cracked," Kisame muttered after a moment, lowering the card. "You won't believe what he called me."

"Was it worse than starshine?" Itachi asked tonelessly.

"Just listen," Kisame said, and began reading.

"There's many fish in the sea

But none more so darling

Than you, blue dreamboat

So candid and charming

The fish are a gift

The best I could do

As something of interest

For a dreamboat like you."

The corners of Itachi's lips twitched.

"He called me a dreamboat!" Kisame said, sounding horrified. "That's just wrong. And what the hell am I supposed to do with these fish?"

"Eat them," Itachi suggested.

Kisame gave him a dirty look before getting to his feet, stuffing the card hastily into his pajama shirt's pocket.

"If we got presents, that probably means the others did, as well," Itachi said thoughtfully, turning towards the doorway. "Perhaps this will lead to something interesting."

Kisame followed, and was about to suggest that Itachi remove the sunglasses, but decided against it. He looked more comfortable with them on.

7:20 AM

"Hidan."

Silence.

"Hidan, get up."

No response.

Kakuzu sighed and delivered a swift kick to his slumbering partner's ribs, knocking him off his bed and onto the floor.

"Ow! What the fuck?" Hidan cried, compulsively clutching his pillow to his chest. "What the hell was that for?"

Kakuzu stood over him, still dressed in his black silk pajamas (with the Akatsuki cloud symbol emblazoned on the front pocket), scowling suspiciously.

"God dammit," Hidan grumbled, crawling back into his bed. "I was having a good dream, you asshole. Jashin-sama was—"

"—pleased with you and promoting you to sainthood," Kakuzu finished, rolling his eyes. "Whatever. I want to know if this…"

Kakuzu gestured to the pink gift bag on his bedside table. "…is your idea of a joke."

Hidan rubbed his eyes before squinting at the bag.

"What the hell is that?"

"That's what I'd like to know," Kakuzu said impatiently.

"So open it."

Kakuzu scowled again before turning to pick up the bag, cautiously pulling it open to peer at its contents. A red envelope with his name on it caught his eye and he carefully withdrew it, scrutinizing the cursive writing on the front.

For Kakuzu-san.

Bewildered, he set down the bag and expertly tore a seamless slit into the side of the envelope, having had plenty of practice with opening cheques over the years. When he withdrew the card, he could only stare at it in morbid fascination.

"What the hell are you staring at, Kakuzu? Open it already."

Kakuzu slowly opened it, blinking as red sparkles rained down onto the carpet and his toes.

Hidan raised an eyebrow as Kakuzu looked at the inside of the card, read it, and continued to stand there, saying nothing.

"Well?"

Kakuzu slowly handed the card to Hidan, looking somewhat disturbed.

Hidan took it from him and opened it to read.

"No one knows better

About things of value

Dear sweetheart I hope

This token will please you

I couldn't spare mine

Since I need it to live

This was the best I could do

It's the most I can give."

Hidan blinked. Then blinked again. Then once more for good measure.

"Kakuzu," Hidan said slowly, sounding somewhat sympathetic. "I think Tobi's hot for you."

"Idiot," Kakuzu said, rolling his eyes. "It's a Valentine's Day Card."

"A what?"

"Don't tell me you don't know what that is. It's a holiday where people give each other flowers and candy and crap and the greeting card companies make a huge profit out of it."

"How the hell should I know about some pagan holiday?" Hidan said defensively. "But seriously, where I come from, someone only calls you a sweetheart when they wanna get in your pants."

Kakuzu glowered at him before sitting down on his bed to open the gift bag. Hidan watched curiously as the Falls nin withdrew a plastic box, pulling off the piece of paper attached to the lid.

It was a gift certificate to Fabricland.

A note next to it read: In addition to your real gift, this is to help you keep creating those beautiful wedding dresses.

Kakuzu twitched. Putting the gift certificate aside, he reached for the plastic box.

He pulled off the lid and peered inside.

"What? What is it?" Hidan asked, leaning forward to get a better look.

Kakuzu reached into the plastic box and withdrew a heart. A real, cold, dead heart.

"…well shit," said Hidan.

"I'm guessing he wants me to make use of this," Kakuzu said dryly, examining the heart. "Implant it in my body, I suppose."

Kakuzu turned the heart sideways and paused, suddenly, eyes narrowing as he peered closer at it.

"What? Is it defective, or something?"

Kakuzu lifted his head, his voice flat.

"This is a cow's heart."

"How the hell do you know that?"

"Because it has Sunny's Bovine Butchery stamped on the left ventricle."

"…oh." Hidan said blankly, before his eyes lit up with mischevious intent.

"Wait, you mean if you stick that in your body…you'll start acting like a cow?" he demanded, breaking into a huge grin. "Holy shit, I gotta see that. Do it!"

"No."

"Come on, Kakuzu. I'd pay to see you moo."

"No amount of money in the world could convince me to implant a cow's heart in my body," Kakuzu said stoically. "And if you didn't notice, Tobi got you something, too."

Hidan blinked, glancing around his bed until Kakuzu cleared his throat and pointed towards the bathroom.

A red envelope was taped to the door. It read: For Hidan-san.

Clambering over the bed, Hidan stood and walked towards the bathroom door, pulling the envelope from the wood and raising an eyebrow at the cursive writing.

"Well?" Kakuzu said, sounding faintly amused. "Aren't you going to read it?"

Hidan snorted. "To hell with that. It's probably just another pansy-ass poem. I'm taking a shower."

Kakuzu rolled his eyes as Hidan grabbed his forty-two dollar towel and opened the bathroom door, disappearing inside.

Sometimes Kakuzu wondered if Hidan had been a fish or some other aquatic animal in his past life. The religious man showered obsessively, and the water bill was a testament to that.

"Hidan, five minutes."

"Fuck you and your five minutes," Hidan said irritably through the door. "Seriously, how the hell do you expect me to get clean in such a short…holy shit!"

Kakuzu stood up at the alarmed shout, striding over to the bathroom and yanking the door open.

Hidan stood inside with his hand on the light switch, gaping at the state of the bathroom.

Rose petals lay scattered over the gleaming counter and tiled floor, some even on the toilet seat. Fresh bouquets of roses were stacked in every corner and a sweet, delicate fragrance infused the air. The old shower curtain was replaced with a new red one adorned with pictures of cherubs, and the towels on the rack were pink.

Hidan paled as he took in the sight of the new shower curtain.

"Pagan idols," he choked, before stumbling over to the curtain, shuddering at the sight of happy, fat cherubs brandishing golden harps. "Jashin-sama will fucking castrate me for this."

With that, he grabbed a handful of the shower curtain and gave it a mighty yank. It tore off and Hidan was left dumbfounded when it fell away to reveal the bathtub.

It was filled to the brim with water and hundreds of rose petals floated on the surface. At the far corners of the tub, lit lavender candles cast a warm, yellow glow over the tranquil water, emitting the sweet fragrance that seemed to have doused the whole bathroom in its scent.

"…now who's Tobi hot for?" Kakuzu said snidely, smirking as Hidan reddened.

"Where's that card?" Hidan demanded.

Kakuzu happened to be holding it and calmly handed it to him. Hidan grabbed it and tore it open with his teeth, letting the shredded red paper fall to the floor. Like Kakuzu's card, it emitted a faint fragrance of flowers and rained red sparkles down to the floor when he opened it.

Tersely, he read:

"Roses are lovely

But they just don't compete

With a smile so angelic—

A smile oh so sweet

A gift for the senses

When all's said and done

It's my hope you'll enjoy it

My sweet…honeybun?!"

Kakuzu snickered.

In the room next to Hidan and Kakuzu's, Zetsu was sitting up in bed, staring at his bedside table as if it had sprouted a head.

A small, gift-wrapped box that hadn't been there the night before was now placed innocuously on his stack of National Geographic magazines.

Hesitantly, he reached out to touch it, pausing when he caught sight of a red envelope next to it. Almost immediately he recognized Tobi's delicate cursive, and feeling considerably more relaxed, he gently picked up the box and card.

Zetsu couldn't remember the last time he'd received a present, so he didn't quite know what to expect when he slit open the envelope.

A bunch of red sparkles rained down on his bedspread when he opened the card, and after staring at the gaudy decorations in morbid fascination, he moved his gaze over to the neatly written passage.

"You've got something precious

A gift you can't fake

A heart made of gold

And love, babycake

Your gift's bright and shiny

A sight to behold

A small effigy

Of your heart in gold."

"Babycake?" Zetsu's black half said in disbelief.

"Of all things…" his white half said a moment later, shaking his head with a sigh. "Babycake."

He then shifted his attention to the small box and the tag tied to the bow. The tag read:

I let the vendor choose the inscription. Happy Valentine's Day!

Zetsu undid the bow, carefully setting aside the wrapping before removing the lid. Inside the box, on a cushion of velvet, lay a gold heart-shaped locket.

Deeply touched, Zetsu lifted the locket out of the box, gazing appreciatively at the etched rose in the gold inlay. The pad of his thumb found a knob on the side of the locket, and he pushed down on it.

The locket snapped open.

Contained inside was a picture of Tobi, mask and all, provocatively blowing a kiss towards the camera. And next to it, in beautiful, bold cursive, the inscription read:

Love you long time.

Zetsu blanched.

Deidara rolled over with a yawn, stretching his arms over his head. The mouths on his hands sluggishly yawned as well, tongues tasting the air. He let his arms flop back to his sides with a contented "mmph".

He hadn't slept this well in weeks.

Opening his eye, he gazed out the window, feeling his mood elevate further at the sight of bright sunshine and melted snow. It was rare for him to feel this fantastic first thing in the morning.

But considering how Tobi hadn't been around since yesterday, he wasn't that surprised.

Stretching again, he sat up and rubbed his eye, scratching his unruly blonde head before glancing around.

His gaze stopped dead on the object placed directly in the middle of the room.

Suddenly alert, he jumped out of bed and reached for his satchel of explosive clay, lunging for cover behind his bed.

After waiting for nearly a minute, Deidara gingerly lifted his head, peeking over his mattress at the motionless object.

It stood at nearly his height or more, draped in a white sheet and showing the contours of a body. Something that looked like a red envelope was attached to the front of the white sheet.

Suddenly aggravated, Deidara rose to his feet and circled around his bed, cautiously approaching the object.

He had the sneaking suspicion that Tobi had something to do with this, and scowled as his good mood started evaporating almost immediately.

Pulling the envelope off the white sheet, he let the mouth on his right hand tear it open before pulling out the card. He jumped back in alarm when red sparkles rained down to the floor, cursing as they clung to the bottoms of his bare feet.

Returning his gaze to the card, Deidara honed in on the small passage inside.

Unconsciously, he read aloud:

"Mentor and teacher

The one I admire

You've taught me so much

It's for you I aspire

I borrowed your craft

For a work of sheer beauty

The subject was you

My cutie patootie."

His left hand gagged.

"Patootie?" Deidara said in mortification, dropping the card to the floor. "I'll kill that dumbass, un!"

Before he could make it halfway out the door, he recalled the draped object in his room, doubling back to cautiously approach it.

Apprehensively, he took hold of the white sheet and gave it a gentle tug. The cloth slipped off the object, draping around Deidara's feet and revealing Tobi's present.

Deidara looked at it and screamed bloody murder.

The Leader stood in the middle of his room. His toes were covered in red sparkles, the air was infused with a faint floral fragrance, and his hawkish gaze was fixed on the card he held.

Slowly, and with great effect, he read:

"Give me an order

I'll carry it out gladly

I'll do anything for you

My sweet sugar daddy

I went for a treat

A gift overdue

It's something that suits

A sugar daddy like you."

Then Deidara screamed.

Everyone dropped what they were doing and ran to the source of the horrified scream.

Itachi and Kisame burst into Deidara's room first, kunai's and Samehada at the ready, only to find the blonde backed up against the wall, staring in unconcealed horror at the object in the middle of the room.

"Deidara, what happened? What…" Kisame trailed off, inclining his head to look at the object of the blonde's terror. "...holy crap."

Zetsu and the Leader arrived a moment later, only to stop and stare at Itachi, who somberly stood by the window in his cloak and heart-shaped sunglasses.

"Itachi…what are those things on your face?"

Before the Uchiha could answer, Kakuzu walked in. Hidan followed soon after, fresh from the bath and smelling like a rose.

"Where the hell is he? I'll kill the pansy-ass fucker for those pagan curtains and for mutilating my fucking towels. Seriously, he—"

Hidan stopped, his gaze falling on Itachi and his sunglasses.

"What the fuck happened to you, red-eye?"

Everyone stared at Hidan.

"What?" he demanded.

"You smell heavenly," Zetsu murmured, enraptured by Hidan's rosy scent.

Hidan shot the Grass nin a disturbed look and scrambled to the other side of the room.

"They were a gift from Tobi," Itachi said blankly, pushing the glasses up the bridge of his nose. "I'll assume each of you received a gift also, and that he gave each of you a name."

Itachi paused.

"I was dubbed starshine."

Dead silence.

Then—

"Sweetheart," Kakuzu said stiffly.

"Honeybun," Hidan said with a pained grimace.

Kisame buried his face into his hand, his voice coming out muffled. "…Dreamboat."

Hidan cracked up laughing.

"It's almost as amusing as yours, honeybun."

"Hey, fuck you, starshine!"

Zetsu sighed. "Babycake."

Everyone stared at him.

"I know," he said awkwardly.

The Leader cleared his throat when everyone turned to him expectantly.

"Apparently I'm sugar daddy."

They all turned towards Deidara, then, expecting to hear his nickname, only to catch sight of the abomination that was his gift and reel back in disgust.

"Oh my fucking—idols everywhere!" Hidan cried, flinging his forearm over his eyes.

"That's indecent," Zetsu said in shock.

"And unconventional," Kakuzu observed.

"It's disturbing," Kisame muttered.

"Or avant-garde," Itachi proposed.

"…it's naked," the Leader said blankly.

Deidara looked at the statue and somehow managed to choke back the horrified scream that threatened to tear out of his throat again.

An effigy of himself stood there in the middle of the room, stark naked. The statue was set in a languorous pose, hips jutting to one side while his arms held something that looked like a handful of clay. The head was tilted contemplatively to the side, eyes focused on the clay, lips slightly pursed.

And down below, between his legs, was the most disturbing looking thing Deidara had ever seen.

Tobi had covered his privates with some sort of malformed underwear crafted from clay animal models. Lizards and fish and birds entwined and melded to form some kind of covering, which wouldn't have been so bad if the bird's head wasn't jutting out right there. It looked like he had a bird's head for a phallus.

It was horrifying to look at.

Itachi tilted down his sunglasses to get a better look, looking like some sort of gay art critic while Hidan gagged in the corner and Zetsu looked awkwardly at the floor.

Kakuzu and Kisame just stared at Itachi looking fabulously gay in his sunglasses, and the Leader sighed and rubbed his temples.

It was at that moment the perpetrator behind the clay atrocity chose to burst into the room.

"Happy Valentine's Day!" Tobi sang, throwing a handful of red confetti and sparkles into the air.

He spun around, oblivious to the murderous intent in the room as his gaze fell on Zetsu.

"Zetsu-san! Did you get my present?" Tobi asked excitedly, flouncing over to him. "Did you like it?"

"Er…" Zetsu's white half said, straining to smile. "I did, Tobi, thank you."

"You're even wearing it!" Tobi said ecstatically, noticing the glint of gold around Zetsu's neck.

"Yes," Zetsu said, grimacing. "It's lovely."

"And Kakuzu-san!" Tobi continued, bounding over to the masked man in the corner. "I hope that heart comes in handy. Did you get the symbolism, by the way? It was a heart, and you collect hearts, and Valentine's Day is all about hearts—"

"I threw it in the garbage," Kakuzu said flatly.

"Then I hope the gift certificate to Fabricland made up for it!"

Kakuzu twitched.

"Itachi-san," Tobi gushed, scampering over to the Uchiha by the window. "You look so dashing in those sunglasses. I just knew you'd like them! How do they feel?"

"I like them," Itachi said tonelessly, pushing them up again. "They're comfortable."

"I'm so glad!"

Kisame tried to sneak out but Tobi snagged him by the arm, latching onto his bicep in a hug.

"Kisame-san, did you like the fish? They're kissing fish! Isn't that the most adorable thing you've ever seen in your life?"

"You called me a dreamboat," Kisame said hoarsely.

"It's because you are!" Tobi said cheerfully, before letting go and skipping over to Hidan.

"Hidan-san, you smell wonderful!" Tobi exclaimed, leaning forward to take a whiff of the horrified man's hair. "You even used the cassis rose shampoo I got you!"

"What the fuck did you do to my towels?" Hidan shouted. "They're fucking pink—"

"I know! I even took the liberty of doing your bathrobe and underwear, too."

Hidan blanched.

"What—"

"And Leader-sama!" Tobi interrupted him, whipping towards the Leader who stood stoically near the door. "Did you get my present? It matches the poem pretty well, doesn't it?"

"You mean this?" the Leader asked blankly, reaching into his cloak and pulling out a gigantic swirly lollipop.

"Yes! Sweet like you, sugar daddy—"

"Tobi," the Leader interrupted. "Do you even know what the term 'sugar daddy' means?"

"Not really, but it sounds nice," Tobi chirped.

And then he turned towards Deidara, who'd slumped down against the wall by now, speechless with mortification.

"Deidara-senpai," Tobi said ecstatically. "What do you think? Is it artistic or what?"

He gestured excitedly to the atrocious sculpture.

"It's…" Deidara managed to croak, looking nauseous. "It's…"

"You're speechless with joy, I see," Tobi gushed, clapping his hands joyfully together. "I'm so glad you like it!"

"Tobi, what exactly were you thinking when you did that?" Kisame asked incredulously, pointing to the hideous clay-animal underwear.

"Well, I couldn't possibly sculpt that part of Deidara-senpai," Tobi said with an embarrassed laugh, putting his hand to the back of his head. "Tobi's a good boy, not a pervert!"

Deidara snapped.

"You stupid retard!" he screeched, lunging to his feet and pointing indignantly at the statue's crotch. "What the hell were you thinking when you replaced my manhood with a freakin' bird? It's hideous, un!"

"Not to mention sacrilegious," Hidan added. "Defiling the most important part of the Lord's creation with a fucking seagull."

"Swan," Tobi corrected politely.

Deidara screamed again, this time out of rage, and moved to destroy the clay abomination when the Leader suddenly stopped him.

"Wait, Deidara."

The others looked at him curiously.

"It's actually…rather avant-garde," the Leader said, agreeing with Itachi, staring contemplatively at the statue. "I think this piece would snatch a hefty price at an art auction."

Deidara's jaw dropped.

"Sir, you can't be serious—"

"When it comes to funding this organization," the Leader said icily, pinning him with his hawkish gaze. "I'm dead serious."

Tobi was on cloud nine.

"Sir, you think my statue of Deidara-senpai can be displayed at an art auction?" he asked, sparkly-eyed.

"I don't see why not," the Leader said shortly, eyeing the sculpture. "People these days have a tendency to mistake crap for art."

"You're flattering me," Tobi gushed.

Deidara bashed his head against the wall and sobbed. The others merely exchanged looks and filtered out of the room.

In the end, Tobi's passionate celebration of Valentine's Day ended up accomplishing little or nothing.

Hidan bleached all his towels back to white and replaced his shower curtain (though he kept the shampoo), Zetsu replaced Tobi's picture in the locket with one of his cactus, Kisame forgot to feed his fish and they died the next week, Kakuzu went on a shopping spree at Fabricland, and Itachi kept his heart-shaped sunglasses.

The Leader ate his lollipop.

And the horrific sculpture went on auction two days later.

It sold for 37 million yen.