Just a short bit of madness, written for a friend over in my Livejournal account. And since fics where Vaan gets mistaken for a rent-boy are sadly rare, I thought... well, why NOT put it up here? ;)

And comments, corrections and criticism are, as always, completely welcome and loved! After all, a little encouragement never fails to add a bit of inspiration...

"...So tell me, exactly how much dough am I going to bribe you with to get you to keep your trap shut?"

"About this, you mean?"

"Oh, let me thin-- what else could I be talking about, Penelo?!"

"Well, sometimes it's hard to tell with you, you know that! And in any case, I'd have to say... absolutely nothing."

"...Absolutely nothing? ...Uh, since when are you ever this nice?"

"I'm a perfectly kind person, Vaan! If I wasn't, I wouldn't have hauled you ass-forward out of so many tight spots in the past."

"Ass-forw... can we not use words like that now?!"

"Geeze, are you going to be sensitive about that part of your body forever now?"

"Hey, hey, hey-- it's not like I don't have reason to be!"

"Hee. Heee. Heeeee! Hee hee hee hee heeee!"

"Oh, like nobody's ever made a pass at your rear either. And if you're done now…"

"Yup, done now! And look at it this way, Vaan. It probably would have gotten a lot worse if I hadn't been there to protect your precious maiden virtue ..."

"Don't ever call it that again! And how? It's bad enough that it's freaking freezing up north and we've seen absolutely nothing of that bounty we trekked all the way here to get. Sometimes, I think Larsa likes telling us about these "hunts" up in Archadia just to screw with our minds. And it's always cold and everything's too expensive and now I'm find that these freaky ass dudes keep commenting on my clothes and--"

"Well, you already knew Archadians get a bit tetchy when they see Dalmascan gear!"

"Yeah, considering what their emperor tends to get up whenever you're around with your little pink and grey outfit, I'm not surprised."

"Oh shut up! It's not my fault he fainted of a nose-bleed the last time I came around. Larsa's just a little, um, sensitive. And in any case, it's not like he goes around grabbing my butt!"

"Bet you a tenner he wants to, the little perve. And... and I thought you said you'd never talk about this again!"

"No, Vaan, I just agreed to never tell other people about it. I never said I wasn't going to tease the hell out of you when they're not around."

"...You didn't say that in so many words."

"Not my fault you don't pay attention to subtext. Now c'mon, rent-boy, we've still got some high class Archadians to scheme money out of. I'll be damned if we spend that much freaking time getting sandalwood whatchamacallits without getting something out of it."

"They're called chops. Stupid chops. Stupid, stupid Archadians and their stupid, stupid chops."

"Yeah, I know, I'm not that fond of most of them either, boy emperor not included. But don't worry-- if they want to get a piece of your cute booty again, they'll have to get through me first. I'm supposed to be your pimping daddy after all, right?"

"...I hate you so much, Penelo. I just thought you should know. I hate you so very, very much."

"Right back atcha, partner. Right back."