Devotion

I'm well aware that Misa isn't good enough for me. She is a pretty little girl, but she can't match my intelligence. She doesn't even know how lucky is that she is granted the honor to be with me. I only kept her alive, I only allowed her to even touch me, because she has the other death note and she posesses the shinigami's eyes. That makes her valuable enough to keep her by my side.

Having sex with Misa is quite interesting. She is the submissive type, but although she willingly surrendered herself to me when we first met, I didn't even guess she would be just as submissive in bed as she is everywhere else. As a matter of fact, it turns me on greatly. I enjoy power and – oh – I love how she submits to each and every of my wishes. Everything that gives me a feeling of power over someone else makes me incredibly horny.

I remember how I used to push her away every time she tried to approach me sexually. I didn't want to get too involved with her. One day, long after she moved in with me, I came home from work and she just stood there, in the middle of the living room, stark naked. Softly she said: "Do whatever you want to me, Raito." Having her naked body pressed against mine while I was still fully clothed was incredibly sexy. I fucked her senseless that night.

Misa still doesn't mean anything to me. She has the shinigamis eyes and she provides a good fuck, but that's all. I made sure not to get emotionally involved with her. That would be dangerous and I'm not someone to take risks if there isn't something to gain from it. She must know that I don't love her. She is not nearly as brilliant as me but not as dumb as she might seem. Misa has to know and yet she stays with me. That's what makes her special. That's my reason to keep her alive even though I could replace her with some other woman who might prove to be a little more of a challenge. Misa believes in me, more than anybody else. She worships Yagami Raito even more than she worships Kira.

Every now and then she asks me if I love her. My answer is always yes, because that's so much easier. It keeps her happy and that means she won't become a burden. Telling her that I love her makes her fall silent and accept that sometimes I don't even look at her for days when I'm busy with work. It just makes life easier for me, even if I don't mean it.

"Raito?" I turn to face her, somewhat surprised to hear her voice. We're lying in bed together and for a second I even forgot that she was there. "Raito, what's wrong?"

"Nothing. Just go back to sleep."

I can feel her hand searching for mine beneath the blanket. I really wish she would stop that. I hate it when she touches me without my permission. Maybe some day I will get rid of her and replace her. I'm good looking and I'm charming. I could turn any woman into another Misa. I could make them touch the death note, do the eyes deal with Ryuk and become a weapon just as powerful. But hardly any woman would be as devoted to me as her, I'm well aware of that. She's getting at my nerves quite often. But the thought of having to do completely without her is strangely disturbing. I guess I wouldn't want that. Although Misa doesn't deserve me, although she is unworthy and stupid, I only want her by my side. She's mine. In a twisted way, she has become important to me. Not because of her eyes or the sex. There is some other reason I can't quite grasp. Life without her would be different. Just… not as good as it is right now.

"Raito… do you love me?", she asks me once again.

I look at her and for the first time I realize how much she's given up for me. And just how much more she would be willing to give up for me. She would die for me. I could never fully believe that, since the thought of dying for another person is an absurd concept to me. But right now, I do believe that she would sacrifice even her life for me.

"No", I reply when actually I mean yes. In a strange way I guess I really do love her.

For a split second I think she is going to cry. Her eyes are filled with hurt, but I don't feel the need to comfort her. My love is not devoted or tender or unselfish. I love myself even more. If it would increase my lifespan even by a few hours, I would kill her. And she would willingly die for me.

Then she blinks the hurt away and smiles for me once again. "That's okay", she says softly and snuggles up against me. "I love enough for us both."

END