Note: To be honest I have no idea what was wrong with me in 2007. I've never found myself to be particularly funny, something my brother will happily confirm, so I am pleasantly surprised by the response this insane AU has gotten over the years. Thank you for your awesome feedback.

I have compiled the drabbles into this one chapter according to the order they were originally published. Enjoy the madness.

marriage

"If anyone objects to this marriage, speak now or forever hold your peace."

Like hell I'm holding my peace.

Hiashi Hyuga opened his mouth only to snap it shut when a heeled foot stomped down on his foot.

He bit back his cry of pain.

"Don't even try," hissed the demoness herself – one Mikoto Uchiha – as she smiled at the soon-to-be-legally bonded couple.

Fugaku shot him a look of pity and Hiashi looked to the heavens.

His worst nightmare was going to be his reality. The Uchihas were going to be family.

What the hell did he do to deserve this?

(xo)

Mikoto smiled. Finally!

All she had to do now was ensure that Sasuke understood that she expected a lot of grandbabies to spoil and then her life would be perfect.

Glancing at her eldest, Mikoto frowned.

Itachi is still single…

Well, her life would be almost perfect.

matchmaker

Hinata liked to think that she had control over her emotions. She was a Hyuga, restraint was something taught in the womb. Surely she could keep her temper in check?

Mikoto beamed and Sasuke stifled his laugh.

Hinata gripped Itachi's hand harder and he shot her an exasperated look. She could do this. She just had to rein in her surprising volatile emotions that were insisting she throttle her mother-in-law.

Hanabi, however, looked ready to throw herself off the balcony. Either that or she was plotting a certain Uchiha's murder.

Hiashi wanted to run far, far away when an almost sinister gleam appeared in Mikoto's eyes.

"What do you think about that?!" asked Mikoto happily, bouncing on her heels.

It was truly frightening to see her happy.

"Mother…"

Mikoto looked at Itachi expectantly.

"You do understand that Hanabi-chan is ten years younger than I am?" Itachi asked, truly freaked out that his mother would stoop to proposing an arranged marriage with a fifteen year old girl.

Mikoto looked crestfallen. "No…?"

"No," Itachi stated firmly.

"Thank God," Hanabi breathed weakly and fainted.

Sasuke laughed and Hinata thought the couch would be a perfect place for him to sleep for the rest of the week.

(xo)

"Hinata?"

"Yes Hanabi-chan?"

"I pity you…that woman is crazy."

Hinata sighed.

"Me too."

possible death

"I'm dying, my dear."

"Oh? From what?" Hinata asked absently.

"It's called 'Mikoto Uchiha'."

Hinata snorted, peering at Hiashi from where she was tending to the garden.

"What?" her father asked tiredly. "Being exposed to that woman for long periods of time will kill you."

"And it's your entire fault," he added after a pause, glaring pointedly at her.

"How so?" she was really getting good at tuning out her father's rants and complaints.

"You married her spawn! It's because of you that she's family! Couldn't you have married that Kabuto-"

Should I cook pasta for dinner with roasted tomatoes? Sasuke would love it…ahhh I have to ask Ino about those flowers…Sakura said she would meet me for lunch tomorrow since Naruto and Sasuke will be at the dojo…

"-or even Kiba Inuzuka would have been better! Hinata, are you even listening to me?!"

Hinata nodded, focused on her precious plants.

"Why? Why do you have to torture me so God? Did I do something in my past life that is so unforgivable?" Hiashi whimpered in his seat, clutching at his heart.

"It hurts!" he wailed while his daughter continued to ignore him. "It hurts to know that I'm related to that monster now!"

(xo)

"Your wife is insane," Hiashi Hyuga commented offhandedly, sipping his tea.

"I know," was the response from one Fugaku Uchiha.

"We should kill her," suggested Hiashi.

"I know."

Itachi likes girls – right?

Itachi could not believe what he was seeing. Before him stood a blonde goddess with striking grey eyes, one hidden behind a lock of hair.

"I'm a guy," 'she' said, winking at his stunned face.

He turned to his mother and glared. Mikoto shrugged helplessly.

"What? You've never shown interest in the opposite sex so a mother has to wonder…"

(xo)

He had been staring; he didn't mean to stare, really…but the way that brown haired waitress moved and the gentle smile playing at her luscious lips had his stomach doing somersaults.

Mikoto grinned at the obvious look of enchantment on her son's face. "Haku!" she called, waving her hand for the waitress to come.

Wait…Haku?

Haku as in male?

Haku approached their table and seeing 'her' up close, Itachi realized that her chest area was completely void of any noticeable breasts….

Itachi groaned.

(xo)

"I don't understand what you're all worked up about!"

"You are trying to set me up with men; why else would I be worked up? I am not gay!"

"But you're attracted to them, right? Itachi you were almost drooling when I introduced you to Deidara-kun and Haku-kun!"

"…"

"Ah ha! I knew it, you do like them!"

"They look like females, not my fault I didn't know they had a penis!"

(xo)

"Poison?"

"Mikoto will know. You forgot that she was a kunoichi. Anyway that's boring."

"How about we throw her off a cliff?"

"Hiashi, we're not young – we're old and I have back problems."

"…so do I."

"Guns?"

"Too loud, someone might hear."

"Hire an assassin?"

"That might work…"

"But who'll to do it?"

"I WILL!"

Both men gave a start and turned to stare at Itachi who was standing at the open door, panting heavily as though he just ran for his life…(which was true, seeing that he just ran from his mother).

"What?" Fugaku asked, not believing what he was hearing.

"I said I'll kill Mother. I don't want anything, all I want is for her to be six feet underground where I can't hear her asking, 'Oh Itachi-kun, when am I getting my grandchildren? Anytime soon? Have you met a nice young lady? When am I going to meet her?'" Itachi imitated Mikoto, voice going high and he sounded like a harpy.

"Itachi-kun," started Hiashi Hyuga, grimacing at the sound of Itachi's voice, "we appreciate the offer but this is a game."

Itachi deflated. "What?"

"You see," Fugaku responded with a smile, "it gets boring playing chess and talking about business, so Hiashi and I made this game up."

Itachi frowned.

"It's called 'How do we kill the most annoying person in the world?' or in other words 'Ways to Kill Mikoto Uchiha'."

"Oh," Itachi sat down. "Can I join in?"

They nodded happily.

"Ah-! I know, let's tell Mikoto Itachi is gay! She'd die when she hears that one…"

"That won't work."

"Why won't it?"

"Mother is trying to set me up with men now."

"…if she's accepted the fact that one of her sons is gay then what will kill her?"

Note: C'est tout! I honestly have no idea if I ever will be inspired to continue with these drabbles so unfortunately this is the end. Thank you to all who laughed when reading this. That's honestly all I could ever ask for.