EPISODE 6 – Lily and Sirius

Hey, Sirius. Can we talk?

Is that why you forced James to sit with Peter and left Remus stranded alone? So we could talk? Couldn't do that some other time, could you, Evans? Your poor boyfriend won't stop glaring daggers at me now. Thanks for that.

That's exactly why we need to talk, Sirius. I know you and I never quite got along, but I want that to change. You and James are best mates for Merlin's sake and everyone knows it doesn't end well when the girlfriend and the best friend are on rocky territory. It only hurts James and neither of us want that, do we?

Of course not, but that's just the way it is, Evans.

Well, we could change that, couldn't we?

Evans, I'm flattered, but I'm not having an affair with you.

Wait, WHAT? I wasn't asking you to start an affair! I was asking you to be MATES. FRIENDS. BUDDIES. PALS.

Woah, Evans, I could use your face as a tanning bed. Just tugging your braids there. No need to have an aneurism.

Not funny. I was trying to be serious.

Exactly why we would be crap mates.

…That was an exception moment. We could be really great mates if you think about it. I mean, you and James are basically brothers in every way, right? And since you and James are so alike, you might find that I'm not exactly the worst person out there, you know?

Evans, I don't see that happening.

Ouch.

I didn't mean it that way. Obviously, I don't think you're the worst person out there, I just don't think we're meant to be mates, is all.

You don't even know me!

Oh, come off it, Evans! You're only doing this because of James! You don't know me either!

That's not true! I can prove it!

Really. How?

I made a list.

Of?

Reasons why I want to be friends with you, of course.

Why you want to be—Merlin. You're insane.

Maybe, but you haven't heard my list yet.

All right, then. Let's hear it.

Reasons why Lily Evans wants to be mates with Sirius Black:

He has really nice hair.

He is super manly and Lily really needs a masculine influence in her life.

He can be quite funny when he's not trying to be.

He's brilliant at Transfiguration.

He's Lily's boyfriend's best mate.

She thinks the whole Mr. Shnookums thing is really cute. She has a stuffed cat named Tootsie.

Sirius Black's responses to Lily Evans' reasons:

Thank you very much, but I'm not sharing my secrets.

I bet James would be happy to hear this one.

My humor is deep and complex. Two points for noticing.

What's your point?

So if I weren't James' buddy, you wouldn't consider it, would you?

How the BLOODY HELL do you know about Mr. Shnookums? Was it James? REMUS? WHO? Tell anyone and I'll jinx you back to your mother's uterus!

I said it was cute! Don't blow a fuse! And besides, did you see reason number 2? Super manly, remember?

Whatever, Evans. That's just the way it is. So stop your reasoning and let's just get through HOM without any further interruption.

…

What do you want now?

You seriously think I'm going to buy the whole, "I'm trying to pay attention so leave me alone," act? We both know you haven't listened to one HOM lecture since you were accepted into Hogwarts.

You're like an annoying woodpecker, did you know that? Okay. Fine. Say your piece. I can't promise this won't be a monologue though.

It won't. Because I'll be writing it and you'll be reading it, so more likely a manuscript or an essay or—

Oh har har, Evans. I get it. Move on. What else do you have to say?

Right. Reasons why LE has much potential as SB's new friend:

Lily is actually quite nice to her friends, despite what Sirius Black may think of her.

Her hair is terrible, so being compared to her will provide an easy ego boost for any friend of hers.

Friends of Lily Evans do not (usually) suffer from her Head Girl rule.

Lily loves to bake. Especially for mates.

Her notes are beautiful and informative. And she has her own library of them, open to her mates only.

Tootsie and Shnookums could be friends too.

SB's response to LE's reasons:

1) What exactly do you think I think of you?

2) You're right. Your hair is terrible.

3) I don't need your help to get out of trouble, Ms. Head Girl.

4) Chocolate gives me hives. Why do you think I give all mine away to

girls?

5) Who do you think I am?

6) Shnookums could do better.

Oh, come on, Black! You know there are better reasons than this. It makes sense that we should be friends! You know it does!

I don't know, Evans. Risking the universe's stability, I think. Don't think the cosmic flurry of things can handle us being mates. I mean, your relationship with James is practically the love child of fate and destiny combined, but my interference will ruin things. I'm the mutt of insult and superficiality. So you should just take your beau and leave me out of it.

Oh come on, Padfoot, you don't mean that.

Yes, I—wait a second. Did you just call me Padfoot?

What? No, of course not. Why would I do that? You don't even like me, nevermind allow me to call you Padfoot. Ridiculous. Never fond of nicknames, not me. Complete bollocks.

Oh, stop denying it, Lily. It's written right there on the paper.

So what—wait. Did you just call me Lily?

That is your name, isn't it?

Well, yes, but never to you. It's always been "Evans this", "Evans that". And how come you can just brush off a casual change of name like it's completely natural and I can't? Besides, mine was an accident. I've been hearing James calling you Padfoot for so long now, it just sort of slipped out.

Whatever you say. And despite the offer of compliments and free food, I don't think a friendship based on nice hair and bribery will last very long.

That was just to break the ice, you know, show you that I'm not a complete old maid. Only a little. But I can be fun! Want to throw paper balls at James' head?

That does sound like fun.

Right? Let's do it!

Hold on a sec there, Evans. Even though I would enjoy it, I don't think it would go over to well with your boyfriend. He's already about to hex me under the desk.

Well, your best mate is sort of mad at me already for ditching him today to sit with you.

How dare you.

I know. They should lock me up in Azkaban for being a terrible girlfriend.

The worst.

Oh, here's a note from him. It says, "What are you two laughing at?"

Him. Duh.

Sent it.

Well done, Evans! Didn't think you had the balls. Five points for you.

Thank you. And what exactly is this "points" business? Are you keeping tabs?

You bet your frizzy hair I'm keeping tabs. I'm very good with numbers. You're already at seven, so not bad for half an hour. Since we've met, James has earned 36 489, Remus has 57 324, and Peter is at a pitiful 17 806.

You made those numbers up. There's no way you remembered those.

You have much to learn if you're going to be my mate, Evans. I never forget.

Right. Why is it exactly that Remus has so much more?

James doesn't care for points, and Peter cares much too much about them. Remus overcompensates for his alleged weaknesses by being the best possible mate ever, regardless of anyone keeping tabs. This is just the proof. Hence, the most points.

Hmm. So James doesn't want to be the best possible mate?

Doesn't need to. He's loved by everyone no matter what. Including you, I reckon.

Well, um, hmm. I wouldn't say love exactly—um, anyway, can we get back to our previous conversation? Since you're keeping tabs on me now, does that make us friends?

Not sure. I think I need to test you somehow.

I've never failed a test in my life, Black.

Challenge accepted.

What are you going to make me do?

Is that fear in your words, Evans? Fear not, nothing illegal.

I should hope not, Black. I didn't even realize that was an option, frankly.

Oh, Evans. So naïve you are.

Yeah, yeah. Get on with it then.

Okay. Stop sweating, Evans. It's just a simple game of Hangman. Due to a recent horrific experience of mine, my mate-standards have somewhat diminished. All that is required to be a mate-o-mine, is that you must be able to win a game of Hangman against me. Nothing difficult.

Seriously? Okay, you're on. And are you talking about last HOM class with Peter? When you ran out the room screaming insanities?

Precisely. Ready, Evans? _ _ _ ' _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _.

You bet. S.

Two points for not guessing in alphabetical order. _ _ _ ' S / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ _ S.

Alphabetical order? Who does that? E.

My thoughts exactly. _ E _ ' S / _ _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ E _ / _ _ _ _ S.

Did Peter lose? The first word is LET'S. So L and T are my next guesses.

I didn't stick around long enough to find out. L E T ' S / T _ _ _ _ / _ _ _ E _ / _ _ L L S.

Oh dear. A.

Interesting strategy, Evans. L E T ' S / T _ _ _ _ / _ A _ E _ / _ A L L S.

Thank you. H.

You're welcome. L E T ' S / T H _ _ _ / _ A _ E _ / _ A L L S.

Hmm. P.

Hmm, what? Too difficult for you, Evans? Too bad then. Guess we can't be mates. L E T ' S / T H _ _ _ / P A P E _ / _ A L L S.

Not so fast, Black. I know what the message is.

And?

Who's the first target?

Welcome to the group, Evans.

L E T ' S / T H R O W / P A P E R / B A L L S.