A Day in the Life

January 14th
5:30pm

Dr Tenma appeared to conduct a few more tests. This time, it was to check my co-ordination. The conditions were: if I passed, I would be permitted to take short periods of exercise on crutches, and if I failed, I would be confined to bed for the foreseeable future.

He seemed a little disconcerted as he explained the ins and outs of the various tests, as I was listening very aggressively, nodding my head, punctuating every other sentence with, "Uh-huh", "I see", and, "Yes, I understand. Please continue." I was also staring at him intently (I didn't blink – not once!) with my brow furrowed, deep in concentration, and my head tilted to one side to make it absolutely clear to him that I was drinking in every goddamned word he said. The intensity of my listening may have unnerved Dr Tenma, but I didn't care. He should understand why.

If I could walk on crutches, then I could walk out of the hospital.

I narrowed my eyes.

Game on, Tenma. Game on...

It was really important to me that I concentrated hard on these tests, so I could get better and get out of here as soon as possible.

You would think, then, that the boss and Itachi would also understand this. You would think that they would shut up for five fucking milliseconds, so that I could put my over-achieving Uchihan abilities into practice and ace Dr Tenma's tests, as is my wont.

You would think that, wouldn't you?

I scoff at my optimism.

As I was hard at work, standing on shaking legs in a drafty hospital nightgown with my eyes screwed tight-shut, the boss decided to start banging on about how practising on the shamisen would be an excellent way to test my hand-eye co-ordination. In my own private, dark, little world of hell, I could hear his voice buzzing in my ears. I had reached ten seconds standing without support, with my feet together and my eyes closed, and I desperately wanted to get to at least twenty seconds. The boss was not helping.

"Will you shut up?" I hissed, through gritted teeth. "You're putting me off!"

"Time!" Dr Tenma said, brightly. "Well done, Sasuke! That was excellent. Now, if you could just bend your knees very slightly like this and hold that position for a few seconds, that would be wonderful. And I do agree, Orochimaru-sama. Playing the shamisen would be an excellent way to do some gentle exercise that won't be too taxing. Do you play, Sasuke?"

"What? Oh. Only a bit," I answered, truthfully. "I haven't since I left the Academy."

"He could have been much better," Itachi announced suddenly, over the folds of his newspaper – a passive, aggressive admonishment which earned him a withering look and a two-fingered salute from me. "He didn't practice nearly enough to achieve proficiency."

"Err... wait a minute," I said, my knees bent (unfortunately exposing my tender scrotum to a rather nasty, ill-timed draught.) "Have we magically time-travelled back to high-school or something? In case you haven't realised, Itachi, I don't really care about having failed to achieve proficiency. We've been over this before. I had to quit music lessons so I could concentrate on my exams."

"I managed," was my brother's bald, brazen reply.

There was absolutely no way I was letting that go. No way in hell.

"Itachi," I said, wearily, "you managed because you had no social life. The little human contact you sustained was based around study-groups."

Over on the camp-bed, the boss chuckled at my blisteringly witty retort, and my brother rolled his eyes.

"You could take up lessons again, though, Sasuke-kun," the boss mused, as he dealt out what seemed like his four-hundredth game of clock patience that day. "I very much enjoyed your performance at Asuma's wedding. I wish you would play more often."

"Let me guess," Itachi intoned, seeking revenge. "He played Tsugaru-jonkara-bushi: the only piece he really knows how to play. And he played with a rather simple Bachizuke touch. Not technically demanding, but it does produce a nice tone."

My jaw dropped in an expression of outraged indignation.

"What the hell, Itachi?" I said, straightening up and fixing him with a baleful glare. "Stop commenting on my repertoire."

"Repertoire, by definition, indicates plurality."

"Funny. Real funny, Itachi. My, aren't we on fire today," I retorted, slathering my words in sarcasm. "For your information, actually, I improvised Take on Me on a stage that day in front of loads of people, and I can also play Duelling Banjos, which is pretty damn difficult on the shamisen."

"Duelling Banjos? Really, Sasuke-kun?" the boss asked with a smirk.

"What? Is that not high-brow enough for you?" I said accusingly. "I thought it would be funny, okay?"

"I recall that it did amuse Naruto," Itachi added, entirely unnecessarily.

"You know, I think I will hire you a tutor, Sasuke-kun," the boss said, shaking his head amusedly as he sank back into the camp-bed. "Duelling Banjos... Honestly."

"I agree. Sasuke should resume his music lessons. If only to speed his recovery—"

At that point, my teeth were grinding so hard, I could feel the staples in my head squealing. I was squatting in a paper gown, trying to bend my knees and keep my balance, and those two were going on and on and on about shamisen lessons.

I could not believe it. My brother and the boss were tag-teaming me!

"Excuse me, can I just stop you there for a moment? Right. Thank you. I appreciate it. So, just for your information – you know, something for both of you to note for the future – if you ever intend on agreeing with each other and tag-teaming me again, give me a heads up and I'll leave the room and let you two fuck in a corner, or something, because you obviously love each others' opinions so much."

Poor Dr Tenma. The man didn't know where to look. He kept trying to catch my eye and coax me back into doing the co-ordination tests, but I wasn't having it. I had business to attend to.

The boss stared at me for a moment. Then he smirked and said, "Well, well, it appears you haven't lost your touch for eloquent hyperbole. That is reassuring. Though, for your information, Sasuke-kun, I would rather eat my own head than fuck your brother. He would be absolutely terrible in bed. It would be like mounting a plank of wood with a straight face drawn on."

Itachi frowned and snorted, turning back to his newspaper.

I shot the boss a withering look. "Disgusting. That's my brother you're talking about."

"You started it," the boss said serenely.

"Yes..." I said levelly. "Yes, I did."

Then I turned to Dr Tenma and put him out of his misery by asking, rather aggressively, what the next few monkey hoops I had to jump through were. I spent the next ten minutes slapping my thighs and touching my nose while my surgeon made furtive notes, trying not to catch anyone's eye.

I think he seriously believes we're all insane.

Well, that's fine. In the absence of Neji, I'm sure he could conduct all the necessary examinations. I would be fine, of course, but I'm not sure about Itachi and the boss. Itachi would probably fall under personality group C2 – Asshole Brother, and the boss would most definitely fall under a category A1 – Smug, Interrupting Fuck. I wonder if there is anything that can be done for them?

LATER:
6:30pm

Guess what? I passed! I am now permitted to hobble around the room on crutches. A nurse came up from orthopaedics and gave me the crash course on how to use them. I am permitted to walk around the ward only, and have to be escorted at all times in case I feel dizzy and decide that the floor would be a nice place to land. Stairs are absolutely forbidden, though I am allowed to use the elevators, if necessary, but only in a wheelchair.

My crutches were placed in custody of the boss, and as soon as the orthopaedic nurse left, he carefully placed them under the camp bed, pushing them under as far as he could, right against the wall. I knew exactly what he was doing. I turned to him and demanded my crutches.

"I'm going for a walk," I said. "Crutches. Now."

Filling in a box on the Konoha Times sudoku, the boss pretended he hadn't heard me. From my bed, I stared levelly at him. That was fine. I was in hospital, not getting out any time soon, and he had decided to imprison himself here alongside me, not getting out any time soon. I could keep this up all night.

I repeated my demands for my crutches. No response.

I repeated myself again. Stonewalled.

"Orochimaru-sama," I said, trying another tack, "if you don't give me my crutches right now, I'm going to take all my morphine in one go."

"Nice try, Sasuke-kun. As if the nurses would even give you enough to poison yourself."

I could feel a sulk coming on, but my brother deftly averted the crisis by saying, "If you take your exercise now and feel unwell, then you will not enjoy having Naruto and Sakura visit. Wait half an hour, Sasuke, and I will escort you, if you still insist on getting out of bed."

I hated to admit it, but my brother had posed a rather sensible compromise. Huffing, I sunk back into my pillows and (carefully) folded my arms, indicating that while I was not entirely happy with the situation, I would tolerate it for the time being.

On the bright side, it's not long at all now until Naruto and Sakura come to visit. T-minus thirty minutes, actually. I cannot tell you how excited I am at the prospect. Before I decided to write this entry, I was staring at the clock, counting down the minutes. Even though I have both the boss and my brother here, I truly, desperately, wish to see my friends. I missed them before the accident, and I only got to see then for a paltry few hours before my brain was knocked into a three-day coma. I find this terribly unfair, so the two-hour visiting allowance Konoha General generously provide from 7:00 till 9:00pm will, I hope, go some way toward satiating that particular longing.

Tsunade is back from her ski-trip, so she's coming along with Sakura. The boss said this was most likely out of a twisted desire to inspect Dr Tenma's surgical workmanship, but I think he was joking. (At least, I hope he was joking. I can imagine Tsunade doing that, which is worrying.) Naruto, of course, is bringing Jiraiya. This makes sense because Jiraiya is acting as his chauffeur at the moment since Naruto cannot drive with the broken wrist.

It's good that Tsunade and Jiraiya are coming along. I don't think the boss would be able to handle being stuck in a room with just Naruto and Sakura for two hours. Especially Naruto, since I have been reliably informed by my brother that Naruto still wants to knock the boss's teeth out.

Perhaps Jiraiya and Tsunade will take him out for coffee for a while? That would be the sensible thing to do...

LATER:
10:20pm

Tonight was strange. Not strange in a bad way, because I thoroughly enjoyed myself hobbling around the ward on crutches with Naruto and Sakura (yes, you heard it here first, folks! Uchiha Sasuke is officially back on two legs once more! Two legs good, four legs... an acceptable compromise if one is recovering from a car accident.)

It was strange because something happened about five minutes ago that gave me pause, and now I'm sitting here, with the TV on in the background, thinking about it and wondering.

The news of it first came out when Naruto and Sakura appeared bang on the hour at seven, with Jiraiya and Tsunade in tow. I knew they were coming because I could hear Naruto shouting "SASUKE! SASUKEEEEEEEEE, WE'RE HERE! AUUUUHHHH, OH MY GOD, I'M GONNA PEEEEEE!" I also knew he was either capering around in circles or running flat out because his trainers squeaked loudly all the way down the corridor. I could hear Sakura snapping at him to "Slow down, Naruto, or you'll trip and hurt your wrist again!" It was strange, but just the sound of their voices caused a little flutter of longing. They were there. Right there. Just round the corner...

From his chair, Itachi looked up and shook his head amusedly. "I think that might be Naruto," he said.

"Really?" the boss said waspishly. "Whatever gave that away—?"

BAM!

The door flew open with an obnoxiously loud bang and all three of us jumped, heads whipping round to the source of the noise.

And there, in the door frame, resplendent in an orange and black adidas tracksuit and black trainers, stood Naruto. His hair was wild, as though he hadn't brushed it for days. His eyes were wild, as though he hadn't seen me for a few years, never mind a few days. He even smelt wild, as though he hadn't been for a shower for a week and figured covering himself in a whole can of lynx Africa would prove an acceptable substitute. He sported a rictus grin – all white teeth and pointy incisors – and he simply oozed wildness from every stinky pore when he threw back his head, began to beat his chest and yelled,

"SASUKEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE! SASUKE, SASUKE, SASUKE!"

"Um... hello, Naruto," I offered by way of greeting, sitting up in my bed and trying hard not to laugh because I knew it would offend him.

"YOU'RE TOTALLY BETTER!" he howled, grinning and jumping up and down on the spot.

"Well... I'm awake," I qualified sensibly, but Naruto wouldn't hear of it.

"NO. NO, SASUKE. YOU'RE TOTALLY BETTER NOW!" Naruto roared, and my eardrums burst, causing fluid to pour from my cochlea in torrents. Then he turned over his shoulder and shouted down the corridor, "SAKURA-CHAAAAAAN! C'MERE QUICK AND LOOK! I TOLD YOU! SASUKE'S TOTALLY BETTER NOW!"

"Naruto, calm down. We can hear you outside, you lug head—" I heard Sakura snap before she too rounded the corner and, slowly, hesitantly, peeked inside.

As soon as she saw me, she gasped, her hands flying to her mouth, and her eyes filled with tears. She was wearing a thick, berry-red Superdry hoodie, a black knit dress, leggings and scarf, and stripy gloves that were flecked with melting flakes of snow. Her nose was red from cold. She had trailed dirty melt water all along the corridor and it was dripping off her boots and had begun to pool at her feet. In the back of my mind, I thought to myself, "Her mum's going to kill her for that." The thought was silly, and I couldn't help but smile.

"Hi, Sakura!" I said, trying out a little wave with my gimpy drip hand.

"Oh god, Sasuke," she whispered, stepping forward instinctively, her arms outstretched, to hug me, before she flinched, looking for a brief moment uncertain. Her eyes flickered to the boss and my brother. "A-Are we allowed to hug him?" she asked with a nervous laugh. "I don't know what the rules are here."

"You are allowed one hug each," the boss said, serving as Grand High Hug Rationer. "Be gentle. His bruises are still tender and his head is still giving him a bit of pain."

Permission granted, the next thing I knew, Naruto had taken one side of the bed and Sakura the other and I had their arms wrapped around my neck.

"Oh, Sasuke!" Sakura sobbed into my shoulder, covering the brand spanking new Hermès tee Itachi bought me earlier in salty tears and meltwater.

"Sasukeeeeee," Naruto mewled pathetically into my other shoulder. Thankfully, there were no tears from his end, but – for some reason known only to himself – he decided to rub his nose against my shoulder and, when he pulled away, left a little silver snail trail of snot on my perfectly black t-shirt. Typical. There for less than a minute and he had already ruined my clothing.

"Naruto, whoa..." I complained, just as Jiraiya and Tsunade appeared, carrying extra chairs under their arms with a great deal of theatrical huffing and puffing. "I'm happy to see you, but this thing is Hermès, okay? Less of the nose fluids please, if that's at all possible."

"Haha, sorry dude. I'll try and keep the leakage to a minimum."

"Bit of luxury to cover up your bruises, eh, kid?" Jiraiya said, leaning over and grinning in my face.

"Something like that," I said nonchalantly, as a fervent pride burned secretly in my chest.

Honestly, I do believe I will love Itachi forever for buying me that t-shirt. Costing a bank-balance denting twenty-seven thousand yen, it is an elegant, basic, understated piece of bona-fide power clothing. You can feel the quality when you first eagerly slip the beautiful garment of one-hundred percent, finest quality cotton over your head. But here's the most wonderful thing about it: the H logo is discreetly embroidered – small and secret – on the top left hand corner of the pocket, the thread in almost the same colour as the shirt itself. It does not need to boast of its quality, for at a glance, it speaks for itself. I think my Hermès tee and I are going to become very good friends. My brother knows me far too well.

"You're surprised, Jiraiya?" Tsunade quipped, shooting me a sly look. "This is Sasuke we're talking about. He has been thoroughly spoiled by Orochimaru."

"Ha, wrong!" I retorted, with a smirk. (I love it when Tsunade is wrong. It doesn't happen often, so of course I gloated while I had the chance.) "It was Itachi's fault this time."

From his chair, my brother looked up from his cupcake book only long enough to hold up his hands in acknowledgement of his role in the spoiling process.

"Who gave you the beanie, though? It's hella cool!" Naruto said, reaching out a hand to touch it, only for his unbroken wrist to be slapped down by Sakura.

"No touching, Naruto!"

"Oww! Jeez..."

"Mrs Sarutobi knitted it for me," I answered. "It's really comfortable and it doesn't tug at the staples at all."

"Wait, you've got staples in your head?" Naruto breathed, eyes wide. "No way, that is screwed up, man. Can I see them?"

It was then that the boss decided to pipe up and spoil things. He was doing rather well up until then.

"Astounding. Absolutely astounding," he said, snidely. "You were here in hospital for two days, proclaim to care more than anyone else about Sasuke-kun, yet neglected to note that particular and very obvious and essential part of his operation? You are dense."

Naruto whirled round, his eyes smouldering with anger.

"Shut up, dickhead," he seethed, through gritted teeth. "I thought they were stitches. No one asked you!"

Beside me, Jiraiya sighed and slumped in his chair, pinching the bridge of his nose and muttered, "Here we go again." Evidently, this was not the first time such a skirmish had occurred between Naruto and the boss.

"I was merely making an observation, an activity evidently foreign to you," the boss retorted smoothly. "I did discuss with Dr Tenma your painfully sub-normal intelligence, but alas, I don't think any amount of surgical intervention could retrieve the pathetic, lonely crumb of a cell rattling around that cavernous excuse for a brain."

I swear, I could hear Naruto's teeth grinding.

"Go fuck yourself, Oro."

The boss smiled nastily. "Fortunately, I am rather flexible, so I am fairly certain that could be arranged," he replied.

"Creep," Naruto spat.

"Useless tumour."

"Jerk."

"Turgid lump."

"Asshole."

"Awful, irritating, little cunt—"

"RIGHT!" Tsunade barked, slapping her knees as she pushed herself to her feet. "I have heard enough! Orochimaru, Jiraiya, you two come with me right now, and we'll leave these three to chat for a bit— And don't you dare look at me like that, Oro. You've had Sasuke to yourself all morning. Let the kids have some time to themselves."

The boss did not like that at all. Sensing defeat, he made an odd, snarling noise in the back of his throat, and swept out of the room in a thunderous mood – Naruto's smouldering glare burning his back all the way. Tsunade marched out smartly behind him and Jiraiya followed, puffing out his cheeks, his hands in his pockets. As he got to the door, Jiraiya turned and said, "I'll give it twenty minutes before he's charging back up here. You kids behave yourselves and make the most of it while he's gone. And remember what I said," he added significantly, pointing at Naruto, who rolled his eyes.

"Yeah, yeah," he muttered, scuffing his trainers on the linoleum. "Oro's a button-pusher and I've not to let him get to me."

Satisfied, Jiraiya nodded and punctuated this nod with a manly sniff. "Good man. Knew I could count on you. Later."

With a wave, Jiraiya strode off down the corridor. I could hear him whistling all the way.

There was a brief, but awkward pause.

Then I sighed and said to Naruto, "You still hate him?"

It wasn't a question. I already knew the answer, of course, but I didn't really want to have to deal with it while I was still in hospital. Hopefully (somewhat foolishly, others might think) I had entertained the delusion that a magical sort of reconciliation akin to the tentative and apparently one-sided situation with the boss and my brother might also have occurred between the boss and Naruto in the three days following the accident. I am not sure why I thought that now. I mean, seriously, who was going to engineer that in my absence? The reconciliation fairies?

"Yeah, I still hate him!" Naruto fumed. "I wanna punch his fat face in every time I see him! I know you like him and everything, dude, but the shit he pulled in October was just low. And before you're all like, 'Yeah but he only did it because he likes me,' or whatever, I know that. I know all that shit. Jiraiya told me. I know why he did it, but it was still low. Why the hell are you sticking with him?"

Managing a small shrug, I said, "I just like him, Naruto. I can't help it."

"But seriously, Sasuke—" Naruto began to protest before I overrode him.

"Naruto, listen to me," I asserted. "Before you start going on about his many faults and about how much of a horrible person he is, believe me, if anyone knows about his many faults, it's me. I'd like to think I know him pretty well by now, which is why I know that when he said he regretted what he did, he meant it."

"But, Sasuke—!"

"No. He meant it, Naruto," I said with absolute conviction, "and I know it. I realise there is no way I'll be able to convince you, but you'll just have to trust me on this one. I like him. I can't help it. My feelings for him will not remove themselves no matter how hard I try – and believe me, I've tried. He's like rust. Or mildew. Or a really persistent rash. It's weird..."

"Like syphilis?" Sakura enquired, with an all-too-innocent expression. "You can get treatment for that, you know."

"Har har," I said witheringly, as Naruto began to snort with gormless laughter. I don't know why he was laughing. As if he knows what syphilis is. Then again, Jiraiya is his godfather. Colour me thus unsurprised.

"My significant other is not a STI," I went on. "Can we get off this topic of conversation, please?"

"Look, we just want to know that you'll be okay," Sakura said more gently, laying her hand on mine. "Everyone was worried sick when you disappeared before Christmas. It wasn't like you. Anyone who could make you act that way..."

"It won't happen again," I reassured her. "Honestly, Sakura," I added, crossing my heart even though I don't hold with such idiotic superstitions – that was how much I wanted to convince her. "We had a chat at Christmas and we established a few ground rules. I don't want to go into it any further, but suffice it to say, I believe that he meant what he said, okay?"

"Yeah, yeah, we get it dude," Naruto said, laughing and shaking his head. "You still like him. I think you're totally insane, but whatever."

"Maybe I am. Did you ever think about that?" I said slyly.

"Hmm... you did hit your head pretty hard," Sakura mused.

"Must run in your family too, dude! Your bro's over there reading a cupcake book!" Naruto called out. Then he paused for a moment, looked warily from left to right, and, lowering his voice dramatically, nudged me and whispered, "Dude, I didn't want to say, but I think Itachi thinks he's a girl!"

Itachi, of course, heard every word. This is because Naruto, despite being my best friend, is a dyed-in-the-wool moron and does not realise that what he believes to be a whisper, is instead the hammiest stage whisper of the hammiest ham actor ever to tread the boards of the ham actors' guild theatre – a whisper which never fails to carry its obnoxious tones to the rafters.

"So you think I am a girl because I enjoy baking?" Itachi intoned, not lifting his eyes from the pages. "An interesting point-of-view..."

"That's right, you big cake-baking, girly man!" Naruto exclaimed happily, before he leapt to his feet and, pointing at Itachi, began to chant, "Girly man! Girly man! Girly, girly baking man!"

With a regretful sigh, Itachi flipped the page and said, "Well, Naruto-kun, in that case I suppose you will not be wanting the meticulously crafted birthday cake I have been planning to make you for the past few years..."

Naruto's reaction was absolutely priceless.

"Wait... did you say birthday cake?" he breathed, his eyes wide like saucers. "You can make birthday cakes? Dude, you never said anything about a birthday cake! What kind of birthday cake?"

"I was considering a Batman cake."

Of course, Itachi knew what he was doing. Anyone who has known Naruto for any length of time knows full well just how much he loves Batman. He owns at least three Batman t-shirts, has Batman pyjamas, had Batman bed sheets when he was ten, owns all the comics and graphic novels, has a full collection of Batman villain figurines – boxed and unboxed for display – and almost had a seizure when the release date for Arkham City was announced. It is fair to say that Naruto loves Batman. It is also fair to say that the prior statement is also an understatement.

"DAMN, DUDE! I WOULD PEE OVER EVERYTHING IF YOU MADE ME A BATMAN CAKE!" Naruto wailed, bouncing agitatedly in his chair. "And it would freakin' awesome too, because everything you do is beyond awesome!"

"That is a shame," Itachi said lightly, having since turned to the page instructing the reader on how best to construct edible roses, "because making a Batman cake for someone's birthday would be a girly thing to do, would it not, Naruto?"

Immediately, the back-pedalling and excuses poured forth.

"B-But, Itachi, making a Batman cake isn't girly!" he urged desperately. "Batman's cool! A Batman cake is a manly cake!"

"You said it yourself, though, Naruto. Baking, in itself, you consider a feminine activity. Making a Batman cake, however masculine the intent and outcome, requires the fundamental step of baking, a feminine activity. Therefore, by baking at all, I would still be committing the offence of perceived femininity."

"Eh?"

"He means you'd still think he was girly because he's still making a cake," I offered, translating seamlessly from Itachistani into Narutovian.

"Whaaaaaaaaaaaat?" Naruto whined, his face a genuine picture of misery. "Dude, no, that's totally not what I'm saying!"

"I would likely have constructed a miniature Gotham city," Itachi went on, further twisting the knife, "with Batman crouching atop a building – his cape fluttering behind him in the chill wind of the night. It is a great shame..."

"Itachiiiiiiiiiiiii," Naruto wailed, "I'm sorry! Baking's totally cool and manly and cupcakes are awesome! Please make me the Batman cake! Please?"

"Naruto, you don't have to beg Itachi, you know," Sakura interrupted. "You could always ask Ayame. She's great at baking. Remember that cake she made for Kiku in November? The dark chocolate one with the raspberries and the lattice all round the sides?"

"Aww yeah..." Naruto said dreamily, his eyes turning misty. "Man, Sasuke," he said, "you should've seen this cake. If you were around back then, we would've totally invited you to Jiraiya's for Kiku's birthday because it tasted like sex, only way better. It was all squidgy and chocolatey. It was like a raspberry and a chocolate bar were making squidgy, tasty babies in your mouth. Chouji had one slice and he totally jizzed."

"She is really good," Sakura agreed. "I always said she should go professional, since her dad's trained up Nishi and Matsu, but she loves working at Ichiraku Ramen, too."

"Sakura!" Naruto cried, aghast, as though she had suggested sacrificing his first born. "Ayame always gives me extra helpings! Her, leave the best ramen joint in the country? No way!"

"Well, she'll have to take time off at some point," Sakura admonished, before following up this entirely innocuous statement by casually dropping in a super-massive nugget of gossip of such density that it temporarily sucked all cogent thought from my brain.

"She'll have to take time off at some point," Sakura said oh-so-casually, "before she has her baby."

Before she has her baby.

Her fucking baby.

I was astonished. I was astounded and amazed. I was bewildered, surprised and staggered. Clearly, having been through the thesaurus and recorded the appropriate entries in alphabetical order, I can safely say that when Sakura dropped that hefty clanger into the conversation, I was all of those things. Naturally, I had many questions I wanted to ask – many urgent questions clamouring for my attention – but I decided to take my time, sift through them methodically, and choose the most pressing with careful consideration.

At length, I chose, and having chosen, I expressed that choice aloud.

"ARE YOU KIDDING ME? WHAT FUCKING BABY?" I yelled, with an angry flail.

"Shh!" Sakura hissed fiercely, looking from side to side in case anyone was listening in at the door. "Not everyone knows, okay, so keep it down!"

"You know!" I said, accusingly. "And Naruto knows, so to be honest – and no offence, Naruto – I'm surprised the whole damn world doesn't know!"

"We weren't supposed to know, Sasuke!" Sakura explained with a pained expression. "We... we went round to see Jiraiya on Christmas Eve and we were there when she found out. Kiku found the pregnancy tester and, well, you know how she gets when she's excited..."

"She blabbed," I said baldly.

"Not... exactly," Sakura said, fidgeting and avoiding my eye. "It was kind of my fault. I'd had a few glasses of wine and Naruto and I wandered into the kitchen and saw Kiku dancing around and squealing into a cushion. I mean, it was obvious she was excited about something, so I wanted to know what was going on..."

Cringing, Sakura trailed off, tugging at her gloves in agitation.

I knew Sakura, therefore I also knew exactly what had transpired. Sighing, I performed a major mental facepalm and said, "You kept at her until she told you, didn't you?"

"I didn't mean it, Sasuke," she moaned, her head falling into her hands. "I told you I'd had a few glasses of wine already, and I didn't think it would be anything big like that."

"Does Ayame know that you know?"

"Yeah," she said, running a hand through her hair. "Kiku told her that she'd told us. She was upset at first, but she says she's glad we know now because she still hasn't told her dad yet."

"I don't blame her," I muttered, recalling the frozen prawns incident at Lee's birthday a few years ago.

"And Jiraiya and Kiku know, obviously, but that's it," Sakura said, desperately. "Sasuke, Itachi, please... you can't tell anyone. She's not even sure if she's going to keep it. No one was supposed to know at all."

"Is Ayame alright?" my brother inquired.

"I don't know," Sakura answered honestly. "She seems okay, but something about her just keeps telling me that she's not. Not really. She's still going to work every day and she's putting a brave face on it, laughing and joking with the customers, but sometimes, she turns her back and when she thinks no one can see her, she looks like she's going to cry."

"Who's the father, then?" I demanded, feeling at that moment as though a good, hard curb-stomping would be an appropriate action to take if I ever laid eyes on the bastard. "Tell me it's not Iruka or Kakashi."

Naruto shook his head. "Nope. Iruka's got a long-distance, online thing going on with this Samui chick from Kumogakure, and Kakashi's seeing a really hot brunette called Mei. They kinda gave up on Ayame after Joyland."

"Good," I said, feeling my fists clench. "I wouldn't like to have to break any of their legs. But who is it? Has she mentioned anything? Anything at all?"

"She hasn't said a thing," Sakura replied sadly. "Either she doesn't know, or does know and isn't telling."

"Well, what's she going to do about her dad?" I urged. "At least Kiku had Jiraiya around and they were able to stay with us at the boss's. What's she going to do when her dad finds out. He will go berserk, you may depend upon it!"

"Like I said, Sasuke," she hasn't made up her mind yet whether she's going to keep it or not. Telling her dad might not even be an issue. It's really hard for her."

"Yeah, well, she can't wait forever," I said, brusquely. "She's going to have to make up her mind soon. I mean, seriously, how in the hell is she going to raise a child on her own with a ramen waitress's wage – if she's even able to stay in the job when her dad inevitably finds out and most likely fires her?"

"Sasuke, you are exaggerating," Itachi intoned.

"I am not!" I retorted, outraged. "You weren't around at Lee's party when Teuchi-san showed up and almost killed Jiraiya."

"He did go totally mental, dude," Naruto added, backing me up. "And then when Kiku called him from Oro's place to explain, he said he didn't want to see her again. It was serious, man."

"Ayame is different—"

"Yes, Itachi. Ayame is different," I insisted, "different in the sense that Kiku and Jiraiya were only going out at the time and she could've broken up with him and could've come home and everything would have been normal. If Ayame has that kid, it's not going to be like that for her."

"Jiraiya has already said he'd help out if she needs it – starting a trust fund, getting the kid's name on the Academy Register, that sort of thing," Sakura reassured. "She's not going to be totally alone."

"Yeah, and I'll help!" Naruto said, bristling with purpose and pride. "And you can help too, Sasuke. You've got loads of money now!"

"Somehow, I don't think money is the main issue here," I reminded them pointedly.

My remark brought Naruto and Sakura down to earth with a bump. There was an awkward silence.

"Well, thank you very much for letting slip that snippet of information," I muttered eventually. "It's really cheered me up."

"I'm sorry, Sasuke," Sakura said, seeming genuinely contrite. "Me and my big mouth, honestly..."

"Look, it's alright," I said, with a sigh. "I don't know why I was so angry, really. It was just the shock of it, that's all. I would never have expected it from Ayame."

"Me neither," Sakura admitted. "It's all really strange."

"But you can make it up to me," I announced, keen on changing the subject from something less depressing. "Grab those crutches from under the boss's bed. They're quite far back because he's been hiding them from me. I'm going to try and go for a walk – and the two of you can help me."

In a flash, Naruto was on his feet and rummaging under the camp bed. "No problem, dude!" he called out, his voice slightly muffled. "Hey, and we can ask if we can borrow a wheelchair too, just in case you get wobbly, or something!"

"Good idea," I agreed, feeling an unwelcome wave of nausea sweep through me as Sakura and Itachi helped me swing my legs over the side.

"What are you going to do about your drip?" Itachi asked, pointing at the offending tube that was still attached to my arm.

"Give me a moment and I might be able to chew it off," I said, cheerfully.

"Don't you dare!" Sakura admonished – her expression so like her mother's in that moment that I started laughing.

"I was joking, Sakura!" I explained, to no avail. Sakura's hands were on her hips as though she were expecting me at any moment to lean over and start gnawing. It was an ominous gesture.

"Hold on and I'll get my mum and she can come take it out," she said, severely. "I don't want you doing anything stupid. I'll be back in a moment."

"I'll go get the wheelchair then!" Naruto hollered, having enthusiastically retrieved the crutches and launched them halfway across the room where they landed with a clatter. "I made friends with this porter guy when I went for my x-rays! I'll text him and tell him I'm coming down to get one! Man, this is gonna be so cool!"

"Is he allowed to do that?" Itachi asked bemusedly, as Naruto sprinted out the door after Sakura.

"I have no idea," I answered. "But it is Naruto, so I'm sure he'll be able to convince someone to defy protocol."

"How is he going to push the wheelchair back here?" Itachi went on, clearly unable to turn off his innate Uchihan logic. "He has a broken wrist."

"You can use one hand, can't you?" I replied, applying my own Uchihan logic to solve the conundrum. "And if he can't, it is Naruto, so I'm sure he'll be able to convince some poor idiot to do the pushing for him. Then, within five seconds of speaking, they'll become fast friends, exchange mobile numbers, won't see each other for years and will meet accidentally at a random time in a random place and it'll be as if they've never parted."

"Naruto has always been very good at making friends," Itachi mused. "That he has put up with you for so long is an indication that he is also good at keeping them."

I shot Itachi a withering look, and my brother looked away, attempting to maintain a carefully neutral expression, though I could see the hint of a smile lurking at the corners of his mouth.

"What's with you? You're in a weird mood today," I said. "Since when do you ever crack jokes?"

And then, with a start, I realised why my brother might have been in such an odd, joke-cracking mood. Had he? Had he actually done it? My heart surged, and I felt light, riding on a sudden wave of optimism. This was it. This was the perfect time to ask. We were alone and no one else was around to put Itachi off.

"I-Itachi..." I ventured nervously, all of a sudden unable to look my brother in the eye. "Can I ask you something?"

"Of course. What is it, Sasuke?"

"Umm... I saw Kakuzu earlier on this morning. You were out doing something. I think it was while you went to get me my t-shirt. He was telling me about how Hidan ended up in hospital and... umm... he told me that he'd quit Akatsuki and that Deidara, Sasori and Hidan had too."

"And you want to know if I have followed suit?" Itachi asked.

"Umm... yeah. Pretty much," I said, awkwardly – then, out of desperation, began to gabble, "I mean, you can tell me, Itachi. Seriously, I won't be angry with you if you haven't, it's just that—"

Itachi smiled and shook his head. Then he raised a finger to his lips and I stuttered into silence.

"Do you think I would be able to be here if I had not?" he said quietly.

His answer was everything I had ever hoped for and was as good as an outright yes. My heart was bursting with joy – for me and for my brother – but I forced myself to remain calm. Mainly for Itachi's benefit, because my socially reticent brother does not know how to deal with emotional human beings in his immediate vicinity.

"T-that's cool," I managed to get out, trying and failing miserably to be blasé about the whole thing. "I mean, I should have guessed that, really. As if Uncle Madara would have given you the time off." Then I paused for a moment, before adding, "Itachi, I just hope that before you walked out of there, you told him to eat a dick, or something. Because, seriously, he deserves it."

Itachi's only reply was a mysterious smile.

"You better have," I admonished, suddenly very keen on the idea. "If I find out that you waited and handed in your official notice, I might have to smack you."

"Then I am sorry to disappoint, Sasuke. I did have to think very hard about it."

"Wait, are you kidding me?" I asked, in disbelief. "What was there to think about?"

Itachi's eyes turned briefly skyward as he paused to consider his reply to me. Then he sighed, and said, "Lots of things. I do not particularly wish to go into them, but suffice it to say, matters accumulated to a point where I could not take it any longer, and I told him that. That was all. Nothing more than that. Then he said he wished me well, and I cleared out my desk and left."

Itachi's words caused an odd, prickling feeling of dread to creep down and settle into my heart as it slowly began to dawn on me what Itachi's defiance could mean for him.

"So, do you think he'll do anything?" I asked quietly, not really wanting to hear the answer.

"I am certain of it."

"If he tries anything, I will fucking destroy him," I stated coldly, meaning absolutely every single word of it. "I'm not even kidding. I will use every contact I have ever made and will pull every string I have ever attached to anyone I have ever met in my life. If he dares to even try anything, if he comes near you, if he calls or emails or texts you even once, he is done."

There was a long pause, during which I bristled with determination and Itachi observed me with a sad sort of smile. Then he reached out and, with two fingers, gently poked me on the forehead.

"And how are you going to do that when you're in this state?" he asked.

"I can beat him to death with my crutches," I replied, only half-joking. "I'm sure it's been done before. Homeless guys must do it all the time. You always see them wandering around with crutches."

"Sasuke..." my brother admonished.

"What? It's true!" I insisted. "If you walk to downtown Konoha – walk, don't drive, that's the secret – and you head along by the Tanzaku underpass, there are loads of them down there. At least three of them will have crutches. Two of them won't even need the damned things."

Exasperated, Itachi shook his head. I was going to press the matter further, to prove to him that I was right about hobos and crutches (and I am – I am not letting this go) but at that point Naruto appeared with the wheelchair and Sakura with her mum, and once the drip was removed, I was whisked away.

Despite my belligerent protests to the contrary, when it finally came down to it, I was not quite ready to walk. I did try – managing to hobble down the entire length of the corridor with Itachi at one side and Sakura at the other – but I got there out of sheer, bloody-minded determination, rather than any sort of genuine wellness on my part, and by the time I touched the wall at the other end, I felt nauseous, and asked Naruto to bring the wheelchair over.

It was at that point, the boss decided to reappear (exactly twenty minutes after he left. Jiraiya knows him far too well.) He was wearing a rather tired, fractious expression and was looking up and down the corridor in concern, clearly searching for me. Jiraiya and Tsunade followed behind at a slower pace, chatting away to each other quite the thing.

"Was the coffee not good enough then?" I called out, as he spotted me and strode along the corridor at a cracking pace. Naruto huffed and stepped back, folding his arms.

"How dare you have the temerity to call what they serve here coffee, Sasuke-kun," he said amusedly, his fractious frown all but dissipated (when he no doubt realised that everything was okay and that I hadn't met an unfortunate end and been wheeled down to the morgue in his twenty-minute absence).

"You're such a hot beverage snob," I shot back, as the boss knelt down on the squeaky clean linoleum and observed me closely while I sat in the wheelchair – looking me up and down, taking my hands and turning them over in his, smoothing the strands of hair poking out my beanie away from my face.

"Who took the drip out?" he asked, spotting it straight away.

"Sakura's mum," I replied. "Didn't want to have to drag all my equipment out here. There's no way I could've raced anyone with all that trailing behind me."

The look of horror on the boss's face was priceless.

"Sasuke-kun, you are not to race anyone, do you hear me—?" he began, before he spotted the smirk on my face.

"Ha, ha, ha. Hook, line and sinker," I gloated, triumphant.

"Strange," the boss mused, his fingers tracing the outline of his thin lips. "I suddenly feel very much like grabbing that wheelchair and pushing you down the stairs." Then he flashed a wolfish grin and leaned over to kiss me, apparently satisfied with my condition.

"Did you walk?" he asked.

"He did," Itachi answered. "The whole length of the corridor."

"Really?" the boss said, shooting me a curious look. "That's rather a long way. No problems with your coordination?"

"Nope," I said, truthfully. "I'm just a bit weak and shaky. I felt pretty sick at the end of it, but I'm okay now I'm sitting down."

"ALRIGHT, WHEELS McGEE? HOW'S IT GOING? BACK ON TWO LEGS YET?" Jiraiya called out as he ambled over and tossed me a big bag of Skittles, which landed square in my lap.

"Oh, thanks!" I said, picking them up and making a valiant attempt at tearing off a corner with my teeth. Neji must've passed on my request. Must remember to thank him later. "Hidan ate the rest of mine earlier, the fat prick. And yeah, I had a go at walking."

"He was great, man!" Naruto added, happily. "Itachi was all like, 'Sasuke, maybe you should sit down', but Sasuke was like, "No way, bro! I am all over this walking shit!' and he totally did it."

"That's excellent, Sasuke," Tsunade said, raising her eyebrows as though she couldn't quite believe it. Beside her, the boss smiled vaguely, which led me to believe that he was working along the same lines. "Really. I'm surprised."

I shrugged and pretended it was nothing, but inside, I burned with pride.

"Still, he mustn't overdo it," the boss cut in smoothly, "otherwise he is at serious risk of doing himself damage and delaying his recovery."

"What? You wanting him back at work, or something?" Naruto scoffed, loitering darkly on the fringes of our little gathering.

Jiraiya must have had a chat with the boss, for he turned to Naruto, smiled serenely and said, "Absolutely. The sooner he is ready for work, the sooner his recovery will have taken place." But old habits die hard, and I saw him mouth to Naruto – an action that went unnoticed by Jiraiya – "Nice try, little shit."

I sighed, and decided that if the two of them were intent on duking it out during visiting hours, then they could do it in my room and not out in public in the corridor. I announced very clearly that I wished to head back to bed for a bit, and Naruto almost fell over himself in his haste to be the one to push me back along the corridor.

"COME ON, DUDE! I'LL TAKE YOU!" he yelled cheerfully, and before I knew it, I was speeding along the corridor, knocking nurses out of the way with my broken ankle.

"HA HA, IT'S LIKE WE'RE JOUSTING!" Naruto roared, gleefully. "STICK YOUR LEG OUT MORE, SASUKE! HEY, TENMA-SENSEI, GET OUTTA THE WAY!"

I know Naruto meant well, but he really is a walking disaster. We only went round the corner, but on the way, he managed to bump into three nurses, scraped Dr Tenma's shins, and clattered off every single trolley that had been parked up against the walls. By the time the boss and Itachi took me off his hands and helped me back into bed, I was a nervous wreck. The boss re-connected my drip, though, and I treated myself to some painkillers as a reward for my exertions, which helped tremendously.

When the nausea had abated and my bruise-pain had calmed down to a dull roar, I peeled off my beanie and let Tsunade inspect my head-staples (the boss was so right about that, by the way.) It was round about then there came the rather loud, insistent knock on my door that heralded the arrival of the Akatsuki mob. I knew it was them, because I could hear Deidara chattering away on the other side.

Everyone studiously ignored them at first, but when the hammering escalated to an unacceptable volume, the boss huffed, pushed himself off the camp bed and stomped over to the door. Throwing it open, he looked down his nose at Deidara, who had paused mid-knock, one arm frozen in the air, the other one clutching a fruit-basket to his chest. Behind him, stood Kisame, Sasori and Kakuzu, who were all bearing gifts of some sort. Balloons and cards – the usual stuff.

"What?" the boss said, acidly.

"Oh hey, Oro," Deidara said, in his most simpering, innocent tone. "We were just coming over to visit Saucy-kins. Kakuzu said he's not dead, so we brought stuff."

"Kakuzu has already spoken to Sasuke-kun," the boss replied, coldly. "He does not need any more visitors."

At the back, Kakuzu rolled his eyes and pushed his way forward.

"Fuck off, Oro," he said, dismissing the boss outright. "I just bought the kid a whole load of stuff and the shop doesn't take returns, so he's getting it!"

Shouldering the boss out of the way, Kakuzu breezed in, with the rest sauntering in behind. The four of them dumped their presents at the end of my bed – glad to be rid of their inconvenient burdens – and then, after cursing and jostling for position, managed to squeeze their four, fat arses onto the boss's camp bed. His position temporarily usurped, the boss instead decided to stand by the door with his arms folded, glaring at his ex-colleagues.

"Umm... thanks guys," I said, as Sakura stepped forward and tied Kisame's "Get Well" balloon to the head of my bed.

"Open my present first, it's brilliant, Sasuke!" Deidara exclaimed, modestly, picking up a small parcel wrapped in brown paper and thrusting it in my face.

Shrugging, I took it and tore open the wrapping. It was a flip-book of a stick man ploughing a car into a tree. I forced an expression of grateful happiness.

"Wow... that's... that's umm... really nice, Deidara. Thanks," I said, handing the offending gift to my brother, who flipped through it and frowned.

"Yeah, it took me ages to think up what to get you," Deidara replied brightly. "Sasori gave me the idea."

I raised an eyebrow at Sasori, who looked back at me and shook his head, absolving himself of all responsibility.

"And it was fun doing your present, Sasuke," Deidara went on. "It's been great! I've had loads of time to do fun stuff now that we've quit."

Naruto, Jiraiya, Tsunade and Sakura's heads all turned at the news, each wearing identical expressions of shock. I had forgotten they hadn't been told yet.

"Dude, what?" Naruto interrupted, a half-disbelieving smile on his face. "You quit Akatsuki? Seriously?"

"That's right," Kakuzu said, proudly. "We are officially no longer Uchiha Madara's butt-monkeys."

"Kisame quit this morning," Sasori added, nudging his ex-colleague, who flashed a toothy grin and nodded in confirmation, "and Nagato and Konan went the day before."

"That is the coolest thing ever," Naruto breathed, his eyes wide and brimming with happiness, as if all his Christmases had come at once.

"Wow, if all of you have went, then that's really going to mess with the company," Sakura added. "How is Madara planning to keep it going?"

"Don't give a shit," Kakuzu stated bluntly. "I start my new job in two weeks. I'm pretty much over Akatsuki."

"That was quick. Where are you heading?" Jiraiya inquired.

"Right here in Fire Country," Kakuzu answered. "You ain't getting rid of me that easy. I'm working with Hidan's stupid cult. They need a secular accountant because the last one bled to death during a ritual."

"I don't think you're supposed to call it that anymore, Kakuzu," Deidara said, with an evil grin. "It's a religion. Your new Jashin crew wouldn't be happy if they heard you blaspheming like that."

"Cram it, kid. I get enough of that crap from Hidan. I don't need to hear it from you."

"I still cannot believe you took that job," Sasori said lazily. "You'll be working with Hidan until the day you die."

"Is that any different to you sticking with Deidara?" Kakuzu countered. "The job pays well, I get eight weeks' annual leave a year, and I get weekends off. That's manna from heaven compared with the crap I've put up with Akatsuki, for, what, twenty years? If that means I have to work with Hidan for the rest of eternity, I'll take it."

"I didn't know you had quit, Kisame," I cut in, feeling strangely proud of my brother's best work buddy. "What are you thinking of doing?"

"Not sure yet," Kisame said, looking thoughtful. "I was sick of all the lies and the crap being fed to me day after day at Akatsuki, and I've been working for your uncle for so long now that I don't even know what's right and what's wrong anymore. I never got the chance to go to uni when I was younger. I was thinking I might like to go back and do a course, or something. Philosophy at Konoha looks like it might be okay."

"That's a good bet," Jiraiya agreed. "I took that for a couple of years before I decided on my major. Ha, I bet the some of the same lecturers are still there."

"What was your major?" Kisame asked.

"Literature," Jiraiya replied. "It was cool. Oro took the shine off it, though, when he started letting my supervisor bone him in our front room."

"Ahahaha, gross!" Deidara cackled, as I shot a dark look at the boss. He hadn't told me that one.

"Not my fault," the boss replied, serenely, turning his nose up. "Jiraiya made a bet that I wouldn't lose my virginity and I proved him wrong."

"Jeez, Oro, a lecturer? What is wrong with you?" Kisame said, shaking his head at the boss in despair.

"You know what his problem is?" Kakuzu offered, "He just does not know where the lines are. Remember that time he accidentally fucked Hidan's mum?"

My jaw dropped, and my brain decided, for the sake of my sanity, that I did not want to hear that particular tale.

Bristling with outrage, I called out, "Umm... can we drop this? I don't think I like the way this conversation is going."

But Kakuzu cut across me, and said smoothly, "Shut up, Sasuke. I need to tell this one because it's funny," and before I could protest any further, he plunged right in to his sordid tale of early Akatsuki group shenanigans.

"Right. So, Hidan had just joined about two weeks before, and we were all hanging out in this bar we liked in River Country, except Oro because he was back at HQ, working late. We're getting along like a house on fire, giving Hidan hell because he was the new guy and that's how it went, when his phone starts ringing. He shuts up and whips out his brick phone – cause it was fifteen years ago, or something. There was no caller ID back then, so he answers and listens for a bit, then says, "I need to take this call. Back in a sec."

"He troops out, then troops in, and announces that his mum had come to visit him, but that she was back at the HQ because that was the address Hidan had given her. He said he had to go back and pick her up, and we told him to stay for a bit and not be a pussy, but he whined and bitched and moaned so much that Itachi agreed to drive him back to HQ, pick up his mum, drop her off at his house, and then drive him back to the bar.

"We were gonna stay at the bar and hold the fort, but then Kisame mentioned that he'd seen a picture of Hidan's mum and said she was hot, so we all hopped into the car in case there was a chance we'd get lucky. Dunno why Konan came along. I think she was just there.

"Anyway, it was a half-hour drive to get to HQ, so by the time we got there and got parked, it had been ages since the phone call. So, we get inside and Konan asks the girl at reception if she'd seen Hidan's mum, and the girl was like, "Yeah, I just sent her straight up..."

Kakuzu trailed off for a moment, shaking his head and grinning at the awful recollection. Deidara, Sasori and Kisame began to smirk, clearly knowing what was coming, and my brother rolled his eyes.

"It was amazing," he went on. "Absolutely amazing. When we opened the door to the office, Oro was right there, full-view, in the corner, with his pants round his ankles, pounding away at Hidan's mum up against the wall next to the photocopier—"

At that point, Deidara could no longer contain himself and exploded into a fit of cackling laughter. Jiraiya joined in and the two of them were roaring, as if they'd heard the finest joke ever told. Tsunade shook her head, but I could tell that, secretly, she found it funny. I, however, did not, and I stared stonily at the boss, who happened to be busy inspecting his fingernails with a bored look on his face.

"I have never heard Hidan scream like that before," Kakuzu added, solemnly. "Never. It was hilarious. He was all high-pitched and shrieky, and he was tearing at his hair, and he was like, 'OH MY GOD, THAT'S MY MUM! THAT'S MY MUM, YOU DICK! HOW COULD YOU?'

"But Oro," he added slyly, "Oro did not miss a beat. He turned round, real slowly, and looked at us, cool as anything, then turned back to Hidan's mum, grinned and said, 'Pleased to meet you, okaa-san.'"

Up until then, I had been determined not to find Kakuzu's filth-mongering amusing, but at that point I cracked and ended up chortling away with Akatsuki and Jiraiya. I almost felt sorry for Hidan. Almost. I have the funny feeling that, had he been present, fists would have been flying.

"We fucking erupted," Kakuzu said, revelling in the attention and the raucous laughter his tale had generated. "Hidan was so mad, he started throwing stuff, and Oro was laughing and trying to close his kimono while dodging flying ring-binders, and Hidan's mum was just standing there biting her nails and twisting her hair and looking about like there was no-one at home – which was totally true, because she was a silvery-haired, dumb-bint, ex-model who only married Hidan's dad because he was loaded."

"And she is closer to Hidan's age than his dad's," Kisame felt it pertinent to add.

"Bleh, that is majorly creepy," Deidara exclaimed, wrinkling his nose.

At that point, everyone from Konoha was thinking it, but no one dared mention it: Jiraiya, Kiku and Kylie. Kiku is far closer in age to Kylie than Jiraiya. I think Jiraiya realised this, because he stopped laughing and his expression darkened as he began to shuffle around awkwardly in his chair.

"Shut your whore mouth, Deidara," Sasori snapped. "Sai is ten years younger than me."

"Nah, you're okay, Sasori," Kisame said. "The rule is half your age plus seven, which is twenty-four point five. Round that up, and that's Sai."

"Yeah, it's those two perverts you want to watch out for," Kakuzu added, pointedly, directing a significant look at the boss and Jiraiya. "You're okay, Tsunade. You managed to find someone your own age."

"Remind me again, Kakuzu," the boss requested, in a dangerously silky tone, "what was the age of your last girlfriend?"

"Can't remember," Kakuzu said, bluntly.

"That's odd, because I do," the boss said, a nasty smirk playing around his mouth.

"Shut up."

"Exactly," the boss retorted, his eyes flashing dangerously. "Any more of that talk, Kakuzu, and I will hammer you into the ground like a tent peg."

Over on his chair, Jiraiya nodded gravely, as if to back the boss up, and Kakuzu, wisely, decided not to head down the path of no return.

"So that's what that creaking noise was at night!" Deidara said innocently, throwing a wicked, sideways glance at Kakuzu. "It was your ancient, rattling, old bones. I thought it was just the bed banging off the wall!"

Sensing tension, even though I was the one who was recovering from brain surgery, I found it necessary to initiate damage control. I did this by hastily reaching for my Big Bag o' Skittles and loudly offering them to the room. It was a shame. I was really looking forward to them, but no sacrifice is too great when a quiet life is at stake. I might have to ask for another bag later.

As it is the law to pass to the left, the Skittles reached my brother first, who peered inside and picked out some reds and purples, before handing them to Tsunade. They circulated the room and everyone had a handful, but when they reached Sasori, he shook his head.

"Never mind Skittles," he said, "we have champagne in the other room. We were going to crack it open to celebrate our hard-won freedom."

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot. We went to Mall-Mart and bought plastic glasses and everything!" Deidara added, his voice muffled because he was masticating vigorously on a large wad of chewed-up, multicoloured Skittles.

"So how about it?" Sasori ventured, addressing the room. "You want some?"

There followed in response a chorus of positive murmurs. Naruto said, "Hell yeah! Bring it in, man!"

"Even if that means we bring Hidan through?"

The chorus of positive murmurs abated considerably, though after having taken a moment to consider our options, the assembled occupants of the room seemed to come to the collective realisation that, although Hidan's presence was undesirable, alcohol would mollify the retarded effect of Hidan on proceedings, and therefore the condition Sasori laid upon us was an acceptable compromise.

"Hmm... I guess that's okay," Sakura said, speaking for the majority. "You need a hand?"

"Sure. Deidara and I can get the bottles and you carry the glasses. Hidan's room's not far. It's just across the corridor."

Thus, Sasori, Deidara and Sakura disappeared for a brief moment and returned, bearing several clinking bags filled to bursting with plastic glasses and bottles of Krug. They brought Hidan too – still all bandaged up from last night's antics. He stomped through the door with a vague grin on his face and demanded everyone on the camp bed squash up so he could sit down. When he had settled between Kisame and Kakuzu, he grinned widely, and announced, "This is for leaving me in there myself, you dicks!"

Screwing up his face, he farted, and Akatsuki scattered.

"Ugh, gross, Hidan!" Deidara yelled, angrily swatting the air.

"It's only a fart. Shut up and get the wine out, you whiny bitch."

"I'm so glad I'm not working with you anymore," Kisame said, covering his nose up with his shirt. "God, that's disgusting..."

"It's all good, Kisame," Hidan said smugly. "In case you haven't realised, this is where Oro sleeps – and I just released the Kraken all over his bed. My fart particles are in his blankets. Isn't that right, Oro? C'mon, you tell me, you're the scientist."

The boss, still standing by the door, observed Hidan down the length of his nose. His eyes were narrowed, but he smiled and said nothing. I think he knew that, only moments ago, everyone was laughing because he had fucked Hidan's mum by a photocopier fifteen years ago, and the recollection was enough to sustain him.

Over by the window, where he had bolted, Sasori sighed and, picking up one of Itachi's old newspapers, launched the thing at Hidan's head.

"That's it. You're getting the dregs," he said.

"No! No, not fair," Hidan began to whine.

"Yes. Yes, fair," Sasori insisted. "You are a dumb, fucking shit and I hate your face, your emissions, and everything about you."

"I'm in hospital! I'm bandaged up. I should get the first pour! Sasoriiiiiiii..."

I could not believe that we were going to drink that lovely champagne from plastic Mall-Mart glasses, but I kept my mouth shut, in case Sasori took a power-trip and demoted me to dregs or withheld my share – which turned out to be only one glass, as I hadn't eaten much all day and the stuff ended up making me feel woozy.

Once everything was in place, Sasori grabbed a bottle and said, "Who wants to uncork it? I hate doing it. Oro shot me in the eye with a cork once, and I've had an aversion ever since."

With a grin, Jiraiya stepped up to the plate. The moron shook the bottle a couple of times, and kept going until Sakura squeaked at him to stop, and when he popped the cork, the thing fired with such force it made a dent in one of the ceiling tiles. Everyone cheered, and I couldn't help but smile. His task complete, Jiraiya took a bow and relinquished the bottle to Sasori, who began to pour, handing out glasses to everyone in turn.

When he reached Itachi, however, Sasori stopped and regarded him curiously. "Are you celebrating, Itachi?" he asked, quietly.

Everyone's head turned. You could have heard a pin drop, I kid you not. For a moment, I wondered if he was going to tell them.

Then, after a long moment of silence, Itachi smiled and said, "Yes, I am."

For once in their lives, Akatsuki were stunned into silence. All they could do was sit there with their mouths hanging open. Clearly, they were not expecting it. I don't blame them. Even Naruto was shocked. The boss also reacted rather curiously, regarding my brother with a long and calculating look, as though he wasn't quite sure how to deal with that particular piece of information.

In the end, Sasori recovered first. With a shrug, he said, "Would you like a glass then?"

It was my brother's turn to astonish me. He observed the bubbling glass of champagne before him, said, "Why not?", and then accepted it.

I heard Deidara gasp, and I swear Kisame's jaw clanged when it hit the floor.

"What the fuck? What's he doing?" Hidan whined quietly, only to be waved into silence by Kakuzu, his carer.

The whole room was silent as we sat and watched as my brother tipped the glass down his throat and announced, "That wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. May I have another, Sasori?"

Warily, Sasori refilled Itachi's glass, as though my brother might suddenly decide he regretted it and would place the blame squarely on him.

"Remember it's not a shot, Itachi," a fact Sasori felt necessary to bring to my brother's attention. "You don't have to take it all in one go."

Looking back on it now, I can see why Sasori might have felt apprehensive being part of my brother's first, official alcoholic drinking session. Itachi has never permitted himself to stoop to the unhappy state of inebriation before, so no one knew what kind of drunk he would be. (I am happy to report that my brother is a sleepy drunk. When the Akatsuki lot were kicked out at nine, there was a half-finished bottle left lying by the camp-bed, which Itachi took back to his chair and swigged from until the last drop disappeared – at which point, he tossed the empty bottle in the bin, turned over, curled his legs up and fell asleep. I laughed at him.)

Needless to say, the attention of the room shifted squarely onto my brother, as everyone crowded around, patting him on the back, offering drinking advice, taking photos, and wanting to know the sordid ins-and-outs of what he had said to Uncle Madara before he left. I was left alone for a moment, observing, from my bed – and the boss, spotting a golden opportunity, slinked over and perched on the bed next to me. I shifted slightly, so he could gain a little more purchase, and when he was settled and when we established that, no, he was not going to tug on my drip or hurt my bruises or nudge my ankle, he wrapped an arm around my shoulders and for a blessed moment, we had our own, private little chat.

"How are you feeling?" he murmured, planting a kiss on my beanie.

"Weird," I said. "My brother is drinking. When the hell did that happen?"

"About a minute ago," the boss replied, like a smart-ass. "Will you stop thinking about Itachi and answer me?"

"You mean how do I feel in a medical sense?"

"Yes."

"Tired," I said, honestly. "My head hurts a bit, but only where the staples are, which is an improvement on last night. You'd think, after sleeping for three days that I would have had enough. Apparently not..."

"Sleep is one of the most effective, natural means of healing," the boss explained, as though he were 'enlightening' Kabuto down the in labs. "Your body wants to heal. It is no surprise you are tired."

"Yeah, I guess," I conceded. "But I want to stay awake. At least until everyone heads off. I don't want to miss out on any more of Kakuzu's spectacular stories."

The boss grimaced. "I was hoping not to have to relive that particular experience. If I ever get Kakuzu alone, he is going to regret that ill-conceived broadcast."

"Oh, I don't know," I said, slyly. "It was funny in the end. But are there any more stories like that, lurking around your past, you want to tell me about?"

"Oh, hundreds," the boss said, with a wave of a hand. "Best chalk them all up to a misspent mid-thirties. But what about you?" he asked, turning the tables. "I am sure I am not the only one who has experienced sexual misadventure."

"Hmm... Apart from the stuff you know?" I said, pondering for a moment, before I confessed. "Well, when I first came to Oto Enterprises, before I got together with you, I went to a party at Suigetsu's and I think I might have been in a four-way with Sakon, Ukon and Tayuya."

You should have seen the look on the boss's face. I had no idea his eyebrows could climb so high.

"What do you mean, you 'might have been'?" he demanded.

"I was blind drunk," I said, truthfully. "Couldn't remember a thing when I woke up, but when I did wake up, I was in bed with them."

"Were you clothed?"

"I had my underwear on, but that doesn't mean anything."

"Perhaps I should ask them, before I return to Otogakure and sack them?"

"You are joking, right?"

"Are they still seeing each other, Sakon and Tayuya?"

"Nope. Well, not right now, anyway. They have a regular make-up/break-up cycle. Actually, come to think of it, you won the money on that bet Suigetsu organised the first week I arrived."

"Ha, did I?"

"You did. You should maybe go claim it. There was quite a lot of cash in the end – most of it yours, though."

"Suigetsu will have spent it, no doubt."

"Probably," I agreed, "but you should still ask him."

"He would have a seizure trying to come up with all that money at once," the boss said, with a grin. "I would let him off with it eventually, of course. Perhaps after a few days, when I've had my fill of watching him suffer."

The thought of Suigetsu raiding the petty cash and running off to the bank in a blind panic was enough to set me off. I buried my head in the boss's shoulder and snorted with laughter for a good minute or so, until Tsunade and Jiraiya, bored of Akatsuki banter, pulled their chairs over and asked what I was laughing at.

We explained, and they laughed, and when they laughed, the ex-Akatsuki and Naruto and Sakura wanted to know, so we explained again, and they laughed (except Kisame, who threatened to tell because he's related to Suigetsu in some retarded, in-bred Kirigakure way). After that, topics ranged from what dying was like (I was the focus there. Sasori was disappointed to learn that the whole experience was a huge blank and I didn't remember a thing), to other people's experiences of being injured and in hospital (in which I learned what had happened to Naruto and Sakura), and from art-fag activities (Sasori and Deidara have been commissioned to re-design the Haunted House at Joyland – what horrors await the youth of Konoha!) to the rather esoteric, yet strangely amusing topic of snake sex (that was the boss. I have no idea how he managed to crowbar that into our conversation.)

The conversation then steered its meandering way into the realm of fatherhood. Jiraiya, being the only person in the room who had reproduced, naturally took it upon himself to lead discussion, as Itachi somehow managed to make a seamless connection from infant snakes to infant children, and inquired politely as to how Jiraiya was adjusting.

"Ain't gonna lie to you, Itachi, it was hell at first," Jiraiya grumbled. "Kept waking up every five minutes with her wailing. Me and Kiku got absolutely no sleep for about three months, but once she settled down and realised that we weren't gonna have her adopted or anything, she was okay.

"It was hard again when we moved out of Oro's, cos folk there were always wanting to cook and clean for us and the dumb jobs you don't really think about got done by Oro's people. Took us a while to get back into the swing of things when we headed to Kohona, but we're getting there. Took Kylie into the office the other day, cos Kiku was studying. Little thing just sat and played in her bouncer. And when I can't take her, Teuchi or Ayame are always willing to help out. Hell, even Tsunade and Dan looked after her for a day, didn't you, Tsunade?"

Tsunade grimaced and took a generous swig from her champagne. The boss and I exchanged a surreptitious glance. Evidently, Tsunade's experience of Kylie was not dissimilar to the one the boss and I endured. Jiraiya, however, was wearing his rose-tinted fatherhood spectacles, and was convinced that everyone loved his baby daughter as much as he did.

"Have you ever regretted it?" my brother asked.

"What, keeping Kylie?" Jiraiya asked, and Itachi nodded.

"Nope. Never. Not once," was Jiraiya's unequivocal reply. "Not even when I'd had no sleep for three freaking months and was ready to kill something. Hell, not even when I realised I'd have to wipe my daughter's stinky ass when Kiku went out one night with some girls from her course and I was the only one around to change her.

"It's hard sometimes, but you've just gotta learn to roll with it, you know?" Jiraiya said with a shrug. "Kylie's my little lady. Wouldn't change her for the world."

"Stop, I may vomit," the boss said, with a smirk.

"Oi, shut up! It's your fault the only thing she'll eat now is that ridiculously expensive organic mush those robbers at Mitsukoshi are pedalling."

"Then it seems all is not lost," the boss said. "No god-daughter of mine will be brought up on Big Macs and bargain-buckets."

"You think that's bad? All I ate growing up was fishsticks," Kisame cut in, gloomily. "Seriously, that was it. Fishsticks. My mum worked in a factory, and it seemed like she was paid in the goddamn things. I would have killed for a bargain bucket."

"My uncle Oonoki put me off fishsticks for life," Deidara said. "He tried to cram one up his massive, red nose at dinner once to make my cousin laugh, and he sneezed, and when he pulled it out, there was this massive snot-string hanging off it. Disgusting."

"Ha, if you think that's bad, listen to this!" Naruto piped up, gleefully. "Remember that time Sakura-chan ate that hotdog, Sasuke? And she started choking and I had to do the Heimlich and then she coughed up this bunch of tubes and it hit Kabuto in the face and he puked?"

There was a collective intake of breath as everyone's faces contorted into approximate expressions of disgust.

"Shut up, Naruto!" Sakura hissed, blushing furiously as she pulled back her fist and gave Naruto a dead arm.

"Ow! But Sakura, it was okay in the end, right? We got those discount cards..."

Round about then, the conversation shifted to cooking, and Jiraiya and Itachi almost fell out, because Jiraiya thinks he's good at cooking and Itachi knows he's good at cooking and neither of them would back down. The two hours passed unbelievably quickly, and when bin nurse (I still don't know her real name) appeared to kick everyone out, I felt a little sad, even though I still had the boss and Itachi with me.

The ex-Akatsuki left first, having left their contact details and addresses with me (they had to give up their company housing and phones and cars, so everything is new.) Kakuzu and Hidan have flats in the same apartment block in the centre of Konoha, and Deidara and Sasori are renting a place a few streets away from where the boss used to live. It's quite near Lee's house. I'm not sure how he will take to his new neighbours. I'll need to text him and warn him not to invite them round. He was at Joyland, so I'm sure he'll remember what they're like.

When bin-nurse kindly, but firmly, insisted that the rest clear out, Naruto fixed me with a look that was so utterly hollow with despair that I almost laughed at the silliness of it all.

"Dude, I'll come visit tomorrow," he said firmly. "There's an hour in the afternoon, so I'll take it off my lunch break, and then I'll come back later tomorrow night. I'll bring you more Skittles, yeah?"

The boss snorted and rolled his eyes, but I ignored him.

"Sounds good, Naruto. I'll see you in a couple of hours, then. And I'll hold you to your Skittle promise, by the way!" I added, only half-joking. (Seriously, am I cursed for the rest of eternity to never eat a full bag of Skittles? Hidan finished off the last of them again, the greedy, fucking muncher! Just like that, all Neji's effort gone to waste.)

"I'll remind him before he gets here this time," Sakura said. "He was so excited when we arrived, he completely forgot. Jiraiya had to buy them and bring them up."

It was Naruto's turn to blush this time, as he giggled sheepishly and scratched his head.

"Yeah, sorry, dude. I'll definitely remember next time," Naruto said, as all four of them gathered up their belongings and headed for the door.

"Right, we all ready?" Jiraiya called out.

"Yeah, man. I guess we'd better roll," Naruto said. Then he turned to me and, with a wide, winning, white-toothed grin, called out, "See you tomorrow, man! Don't let your bro turn you girly while I'm gone, ya hear?"

I grinned back and waved as Naruto, Sakura, Jiraiya and Tsunade filed out into the corridor. I could hear them chattering all the way until the ward door closed behind them.

For a moment, I sat there next to the boss, revelling in the ghostly remnants of the happy atmosphere and savouring the quiet as I leant my head on the boss's shoulder and watched my brother falling asleep on his chair, his legs draped over one of the arms, stinking of booze. When I was satisfied, I said, "Well, that was nice."

"It could have been worse, I agree," the boss said, before adding, "though it was also rather interesting. I am wondering why—"

The boss stopped short, as there came a soft, hesitant knock on the door. I figured it might have been one of the younger nurses (there was no way any of the people who had just left would've knocked like that), so I called out, "Come in!"

The door opened.

It was Ayame.

My heart sank when I saw her. Honestly. She looked terrified, as though she had summoned up all the courage she possessed just to come and see me in my hospital room. The first thing she saw was me sitting up in bed, with the boss next to me, and she physically recoiled, shrinking back into the corridor, as though she suddenly thought better of it. I recalled Itachi telling me that the boss had poured all his vitriol (and his coffee) upon her down in reception a couple of days ago, when I went into my coma, and I guessed that he hadn't pulled any punches.

She looked tired too, as though she hadn't slept in months. I knew what she had been going through, and to my soul, to the very core of my being, I felt sorry for her.

"Ayame?" I ventured tentatively, not wanting to scare her off. "You can come in. You don't have creep around outside like a rapist."

She laughed, briefly – more of a nervous reflex – and she stepped inside, closing the door carefully behind her.

She stood there, her back pressed against the door, wringing her hands, and she looked at me, and I looked at her, and her eyes filled with tears.

"Oh god, Sasuke, I'm so sorry," she whispered, and then began to gabble. "I didn't mean to... I was driving back in the snow, and I had a million things on my mind, and I wasn't watching and then—"

"Hey, it's okay, don't worry about it," I said, calmly, cutting her off because she seemed like she was about to burst into tears and I didn't want to see that. It seemed like she'd been doing enough of that lately. "I'm alive, Naruto's alive, Sakura's alive and you're alive. We're all alive. Alive, alive-o." (I don't know why I tacked that on to the end. That was a stupid thing to say.)

"But you could have died!" she insisted. "You could have been really hurt—"

"He did, and he was, in case you have forgotten," the boss interrupted, coldly. "An epidural haematoma and resultant coma are not minor medical mishaps."

Ayame's eyes flickered towards the boss, then her head fell and she let out a small sob. I glared at the boss and gave him a warning nudge.

"Will you lay off just now?" I hissed. "Look at her! She's really upset. She obviously didn't mean it, so let me talk to her for a minute, okay?"

With a snort, the boss rose and stalked off to the camp bed, where he sat and glowered in the corner. Fine by me, I thought. If he wanted to go off in a bad mood, then let him. At least he'd shut up for five seconds.

"Look, don't mind him, Ayame," I said, with a conciliatory gesture. "He's out of sorts because Hidan came in and farted on his bed earlier."

The murderous look the boss sent me would have had lesser beings running for cover. I didn't care, though, for my remark had the desired effect. Ayame managed a small, strangled laugh and she seemed a little more at ease because it gave her something to talk about.

"I heard Hidan ended up here," she ventured. "After they quit, they all appeared at the restaurant, wanting special, celebratory ramen, and then they headed off to the Public Park. I didn't see what happened, but I got all the texts. How is he?"

"Himself," I said, bluntly. "They can't cure it. I'm afraid it's terminal."

Ayame laughed again, and then she sighed and fell quiet and ran a hand awkwardly through her hair.

"How are you?" she asked, eventually.

"I'm fine now," I replied. "Sore, but fine. I have bruises in really weird places and they're the worst part right now, so I'd say I'm on the road to recovery. How about you? Are you okay?"

"Bruises, Sasuke. The same as you, but nowhere near as bad."

For a brief moment, there was a lull in conversation, which I used to ponder upon how best to phrase my following question without sounding like I was hounding for gossip or knew too much. Then I said, somewhat lamely, "Is, umm... you know... everything all right?"

In the corner, the champagne-soaked bundle that was my brother stirred at the sound of our voices.

"Sasuke, who are you talking to?" he muttered, vaguely irritated that I should dare converse with another and interrupt his precious nap-time.

"I see you've finally managed to get some sleep, Itachi," Ayame said, with a small smile.

My brother awoke with a jerk.

"Ayame?" he said, rubbing his eyes and blinking, as though making sure he hadn't strayed into a dream.

"Hi."

After staring at her for what felt, to me, like a million, awkward years, he appeared to realise that he was indeed awake. Then, true to form, he frowned slightly and looked at his watch.

"It's past nine. What are you doing here?"

No "Hello, one of my oldest friends, how are you?" or "Nice to see you, how are things?" Only a veiled accusation of a perceived misdemeanour.

Sometimes, I think my brother can be quite rude to people. Not in the way I am, when I'm in the mind to and exert conscious thought and effort into the process, but in a more spontaneous, natural way that seems to be an unfortunate, hard-wired characteristic. Mentally, I face-palmed.

Ayame, however, knows my brother – having been friends with him for years – so she did not take offence.

"I know, Itachi. I shouldn't be here," she admitted. "I sneaked in when no one was looking. I know it's wrong, and I know Sasuke needs to get some rest, but I couldn't take it anymore. Kiku texted me to tell me that he'd woken up and I had to see how he was.

"And yes, Sasuke," she added, turning her attention back to me. "I know what you're getting at. I went for another scan this morning. Everything is okay. Lucky me, eh?"

It did not sound like she thought she was lucky at all. On the camp bed, the sound of the boss scribbling on his notepad ceased, which meant he was listening, and was likely putting two and two together.

"What's your dad saying?" I asked.

"Nothing, because he doesn't know. Not yet." She sighed, and dug the heels of her hands into her eyes. "No one is supposed to know! I was staying at Jiraiya and Kiku's for a week after Christmas, and I was throwing up every morning. Kiku found the tester in the bin and got all excited. I didn't even have the time to tell her not to tell anyone – or to not get her hopes up."

"How far along are you?" the boss inquired suddenly, to my surprise – and Ayame's.

"Tw- twelve weeks, Orochimaru-sama. God, I can't believe I was so stupid. I just thought I was getting fat! I kept... I kept going to the gym..." she said, tailing off, her voice on the verge of a sob.

For a moment, I thought she was going to burst into tears, but with what appeared to take a monumental amount effort, she reined herself in, and with a bitter laugh, she added, "Maybe I should just keep going to the gym – and maybe neck a bottle of vodka and say it was an accident?"

"For goodness' sake, do not poison yourself, you stupid girl," the boss sneered. "If you are considering a termination and do not want your family finding out, all you need do is cross the border into Otogakure."

"Yeah, the boss got some laws changed, so now they do them on demand over there, and you don't even need a doctor's signature," I added. "Well, you need to sign some sort of form when you get there, but it's more of an ass-covering measure in case someone sues. If you get in touch with Kabuto, though, he could get round the red tape for you. Hell, the boss could do it for you. No one else needs to know."

"I already know about Otogakure," Ayame replied, with a sad smile. "I was doing some research online last night. I was this close to texting Kabuto..."

"Well, if it's really what needs to happen, then you could always call him. He's discreet, don't worry."

"Thanks Sasuke, and you too, Orochimaru-sama. I might do that," she said quietly.

"Just... umm... just so you know," I began, "if I ever meet the father, I'll break his legs. I'm not even joking."

Shaking her head, Ayame laughed and replied, "Don't do that. He's actually a nice guy."

"Then what the hell—?"

"It's my fault," she confessed, wringing her hands in agitation. "I ended it with him, Sasuke. It was just too much."

"Did he know you were...?"

Ayame nodded.

"Yeah, I told him. On the day after Christmas, too. Some present, eh?"

"What happened?"

"He freaked out, and I freaked out and... yeah. It was just too much. It's kind of complicated and neither of us could deal with it, so I broke it off. I was going to get rid of it and everything would have been fine if Kiku hadn't invited me to stay. Where's that bottle of vodka, huh?" she added, with a tearful laugh that sounded suspiciously like a repressed sob.

"But hey," she said, raising her hands, "I'd better go. It's no use loading you with my problems while you're lying here in hospital because of me. It was nice to see you, Sasuke, and get better. You too, Orochimaru-sama, Itachi."

She quietly opened the door and, with a furtive, subdued little wave, bade us farewell.

I watched her flit past my window like a shadow, and murder was on my mind. She looked so heart-sick and miserable and down-trodden, her strength clearly hanging by a very thin thread. I wanted to punch the guy that had done that to her.

Itachi, or so it seemed to me at the time, was working along the same lines. After Ayame left, Itachi lasted about a minute before he stood abruptly and announced: "I need to stretch my legs. Would you like anything from town, Sasuke?"

I thought I knew exactly what he was doing.

"Fine," I said. "If you're going to go chase after her and make her feel bad, at least try and get the name of the guy who knocked her up, so I can have a hit taken out on him, or something. And Haribos. I want some Haribos."

"What kind?" Itachi asked urgently, stuffing an arm into his coat, already halfway to the door.

"Goldbears."

"Fine. I will not be long."

I should have known something was going to happen when I saw him streaking past my window at a sprint. The boss, apparently, was more clued in than me, as he sat on the camp bed for a moment, looking thoughtful, before he rose and changed venue to sit on the ledge by the window.

"What are you doing?" I asked wearily. "Go back to bed. Hidan's fart particles will have gone by now."

"I am watching your brother, and I was watching him earlier when you were not," he replied. "Hush a moment. I have to concentrate. It's difficult to see..."

The view from my room window is not the loveliest of vistas. In the morning, when the nurses come in to hand me my oral painkillers and check my blood-pressure, they throw the curtains wide and I am greeted with the lovely view of Konoha General's short-stay car park: stain on the land by day, and a mugger's paradise by night. The recent snowfalls have improved it somewhat, but it's the natural equivalent of chucking a throw over a mildewed old sofa – temporarily disguising the ever-present ugliness lurking underneath. Outside, it was still snowing, the gentle fall swirling past the window, lit in an eerie orange glow by the streetlights. It was pretty empty, because most of the visitors had gone. Not the best view, but excellent for spying.

The boss pressed his face against the window, but was unhappy with the reflection of my room in the window, so he got up and turned the light out. I protested, saying I wouldn't be able to see what I was typing, as I had turned on my laptop by then, thinking I'd write down what Hidan had been up to earlier on, but he shushed me.

"There, that's much better. If she's parked here, she should be along any second now... Aha. Yes. There she is. It looks like she has borrowed someone else's car. Kiku's or Jiraiya's, most likely..."

"What colour is it?"

"A dark colour. Blue or black."

"It's Jiraiya's then. Kiku's car is pink and Teuchi-san's got the red Ichiraku Ramen van."

"If your brother doesn't hurry up, he's going to miss— Ah. There he is. Right on time, charging across the car park like a lunatic."

I sighed. "I don't know what he thinks is going to happen. Hopefully, he'll get some names and he'll be angry enough that I won't even have to fork out for a hit."

"Oh, it seems she has noticed your brother," the boss went on, with an odd smile.

"What's happening? Has she punched him yet?"

"No, but she is not happy. There appears to be a lot of shouting and arm-waving going on, and— Oh, she has stopped. It appears your wonderful brother has broken her already. That didn't take long."

"What? What do you mean 'broken her'? What's going on?"

"She has collapsed in the snow and appears to be weeping. What a shame," the boss went on casually, completely uncaring.

I let out a small moan, ruing by brother's lack of tact. "Fucking hell, Itachi..." I complained. "What is the matter with you?"

"But... oh my," the boss began, drawing back from the window a little, with a vague smile. "Oh my... How interesting. How very, very interesting..."

"Oh my god, what is interesting?" I snapped, becoming irritated with both the situation and that I was stuck here in bed, unable to see what was going on.

"Your brother has just knelt in the snow, has wrapped his arms around her and is, at present, kissing her."

When the boss uttered those immortal words, my brain died and all cogent thought rushed from my mind. For a moment, I actually could not take it in. I thought he was lying, or trying to get me back for pretending I was going to race earlier on, or for telling Ayame about Hidan, or for any number of idiotic shit I have pulled on him during the time we've been together.

"CRUTCHES! CRUTCHES, RIGHT NOW!" I demanded angrily, already tugging at my drip and trying to swing my legs out of bed.

Seeing that I was determined to make it over to the window or injure myself in the attempt, the boss swept over, deftly removed my drip, handed me my crutches and escorted me to the window, where I sat on the ledge and the boss stood, peering over my shoulder.

I pressed my nose against the glass, and sure enough. There were my brother and Ayame, wrapped in a tight embrace and kissing in the snow as if their lives depended on it.

For a while, because I was too shocked to do anything, I just sat there and watched.

Then I heard the boss say, over my shoulder, "Sasuke-kun, I have a theory."

"Hmm?"

"Ayame's child is Itachi's."

"I think that's a pretty good theory," I said absently, as I watched my brother help Ayame up before they resumed their car-park kissing marathon.

"Did you know anything about this?"

"No. Not a thing," I said, truthfully. Then, with a stab of realisation, I remember what Ayame had said earlier. "Shit..." I whispered. "She said she told him the day after Christmas. Itachi told us he was going out for milk, the lying bastard!"

"What?"

"We were at Itachi's, you were upstairs sleeping off all your stupid, and I went downstairs for a coffee, thinking I'd tell him we were back together – but he wasn't there! Deidara and Sasori said he'd gone out to get milk. He was gone for hours, and then he came back in a horrific mood. Ayame must have told him and then dumped him."

"Yes, I suppose he was in a 'horrific mood'," the boss replied, waspishly. "He pointed a gun at me later on..."

At that point, my brain really did have a mini-crisis, as it was round about then I began to re-think everything I had ever known about my brother and Ayame. But there was something important I had to do first, and it had to be done before Itachi came back.

"Could you do me a favour?" I asked suddenly.

"Hmm? What is it?"

"Could you go down to the gift-shop and purchase a unisex, plush toy for me?" I urged, hobbling back to bed because I felt like I'd faint if I didn't. "It has to be with my money, so don't use your card or anything. My bag's down there under that chair. There might be some cash in it. If there isn't I'll tell you my PIN."

The boss rummaged around in my rucksack and, lo and behold, there was cash.

"Brilliant," I said. "Thank you. Really. I have to do this. I cannot be beaten by anyone else – including Itachi."

"A plush, unisex toy?" the boss repeated, shaking his head amusedly. "Very well, Sasuke-kun. I shan't be long. If your brother reappears before I do, tell him his technique is wanting."

And the boss swept off, leaving me on my own to ponder upon this reality-twisting turn of events. A number of emotions were seething within, vying for dominance. I felt guilty because I realised, with a sickening lurch, that perhaps I didn't know my brother as well as I thought, and that I had based all of my opinions on his secrets and lies and therefore judged him incapable of love and being loved in return. I felt angry because he had let me judge him so, and continued to feed me lies. I felt sad because he, for some reason, felt that he had to lie to me. I was angry, again, because his elaborate web of deceit had caused Ayame so much pain, and I was sad for him because he had obviously been through the wringer too.

Why couldn't he tell me about Ayame? Why? More than anything, that bugged me. The first time my brother met Ayame, I knew, was at their first day of the Academy. Teuchi-san was nowhere near as wealthy as some of the kids' parents who went there, but he does own a successful restaurant, therefore he was able to save wisely and could afford the fees which allowed his two daughters to attend. I didn't seriously believe that they had gotten together when they were five, though, and I was wondering when, exactly, it had happened.

I figured it must have been when they were about fourteen, fifteen, when the Academy coursework load increased exponentially and when extra-curricular study groups began to pop out of the ground like snowdrops in spring. Sometimes, Shisui would have been there, sometimes a whole group of them, but now that I look back on it with fresh eyes unclouded by Itachi's lying, fucking bullshit, I recall there were a fair few occasions when only Ayame managed to make it, and they spent hours locked away in his room, while Naruto, Sakura and I played Nintendo next door.

Study group. Study group, my ass! The only thing Itachi was studying back then was Ayame's boobs!

By the time my brother appeared through the door, soaked to the skin, red-nosed and slightly out of breath, I had worked myself up into a irritable, bundle of stress, and I folded my arms and observed him coldly as he removed his snow-sodden jacket.

"Where are my Haribos?" I demanded, knowing that he would lie to me, which only made me angrier.

"Oh," Itachi said, patting his pockets and realising he had screwed up. "Forgive me, Sasuke. I shall get them right now—"

"No. Stay," I said. "The boss is away for them. He'll be back in a minute. So, what did you two talk about?"

"Nothing really," Itachi lied. "We did not say much."

"Oh, I see. Too busy kissing?" I said, dropping the bomb.

Itachi's eyes widened and he froze, absolutely still, staring at me in shock, knowing that he had been caught but seeming unsure what to do about it. I stared back accusingly, arms folded, unblinking and unyielding. When the door handle rattled a second later, my brother flinched, and the boss breezed in, tossing a fuzzy, grey bundle in my direction.

"A grey elephant, Sasuke-kun," he announced, throwing himself onto the camp bed. "I am afraid that is all there was. Everything else was either pink or blue. Oh hello, Itachi," he added, serenely. "Nice of you to join us again. Did you have fun in the car park?"

"Ignore him, and listen to me," I demanded, fixing my brother with a severe look as I grabbed the elephant and removed the plastic tag.

"See this?" I went on, pointing aggressively at the stuffed toy. "This is a present: a present from uncle Sasuke. It's grey because I don't know if it's a girl or a boy or a fucking alien right now, but all I know is that I'm not going to be beaten to getting your kid its first present – not by you, and certainly not by anyone from Ayame's side of the family. If Jiraiya has already jumped in there, I will actually murder him."

"No... he has not bought anything," Itachi murmured, still in shock.

"So I'm the first?"

Itachi nodded slowly.

"Excellent," I said briskly. "So when did this all happen?" I asked accusingly.

"What do you mean?"

"What do you mean, 'What do I mean?'" I said, outraged. "Everything! All this fucking mess! You, Ayame, your goddamned surprise child—"

I was working myself up into a frenzy, so it was understandable when Itachi raised his hands in a conciliatory gesture and said, "Please calm down, Sasuke. If you calm down, I will tell you."

"Yeah, you'd better," I said, glowering darkly. "otherwise you're not getting Tusks here. So come on then, spill it. When did you guys get together?"

Itachi sighed deeply, then said, "We were fourteen and we were walking back from the Academy. On the way to our study group, we decided to take a shortcut through the woods. Shisui was ill that day, so it was the two of us. It was warm and sunny and Ayame wanted to take off her shoes and paddle in the lake. I tried to tell her not to, that the stones were slippery with pond-weed, but she didn't listen. She fell. I waded in to help her out and I realised right then and there that I loved her. I told her when we were walking back up to the house. She thought about it for a while, and, eventually, came to the conclusion that my being in love with her might not be a bad thing and asked if I wanted to kiss her."

"Study groups," I said bluntly, shaking my head. "I knew it... I knew it! You guys weren't studying anything at all! While I was in the next room, playing and doing innocent kid stuff, you guys were locked away in your room... doing stuff!"

"To be fair, Sasuke, most of the time we truly were studying," my brother said, a shade defensively.

"Give me a percentage," I demanded.

"About seventy percent of the time," was the figure my brother offered.

"And the other thirty percent of the time, you were fumbling under the duvet," I said, wrinkling my nose in distaste.

"I am sorry to disappoint you, but I am afraid we were well past fumbling, Sasuke," Itachi corrected, with a ghost of a smile. "And that would have been about twenty percent of the time. The remaining ten percent was spent in the kitchen making sandwiches."

Aghast, I stared at my brother, open-mouthed, while Itachi sat there, amused at my horrified reaction to his confession that he had lost his virginity at the tender age of fourteen.

"Oh my god, you were fourteen," I stated, baldly. "That is disgusting."

"Jiraiya was thirteen," Itachi countered.

"Yeah, but that's Jiraiya! And I wasn't in the next room playing Mario Kart when it was happening!"

"I do recall Naruto was round the day Ayame and I slept together for the first time," Itachi mused. "He was very excited and kept shouting. It was rather awkward."

"Itachi," I said quickly, closing my eyes and raising a hand, "shut up. That is gross. I never want to hear about that again, do you understand me?"

With a smile, Itachi shrugged and said, "Very well, Sasuke."

"So, have you kept this up all this time?" I asked. "Since you guys were fourteen?"

At that point, my brother's expression darkened a little. "We managed to stay together until I went to university. That was something of a sticking point. Ayame, clever as she is, wished to follow her father into hospitality. I would have liked to join her, but I was obliged to do otherwise."

"Uncle Madara," I said, with a sudden realisation.

Itachi nodded. "Ayame couldn't understand why I did not want to follow my dream. She accused me of snobbery, saying that I thought she was wasting her life for wanting to cook for a living, that I was too good to waste my talents on spinning sugar and decorating pastry. I was angry that she thought that of me, and we parted ways. University was a miserable drudge and I never entertained the affections of anyone else. I got through it, though, having satisfied our uncle's stringent criterion for success. I met her again at Ichiraku ramen after I graduated, and I learned that she, too, had not seen anyone since.

"I saw her secretly later on that evening, confessed to her that I missed her and that I loved her still. She shared my feelings, and so, even though she knew I was about to move away to River Country to start work for Madara, she agreed to resume our relationship.

"It has always been difficult," my brother went on, with a rueful smile, "but you and Ayame have been small lights in my dreary and dismal existence. Without you, I don't know what I would have done."

"So why have you put her through all this secrecy crap?" I demanded. "She obviously loves you and thinks you're great, so why not just marry her or something? You've been together so long it probably won't even make a difference."

"I cannot," Itachi intoned. "Believe me, Sasuke, there is nothing I have ever wanted more than to marry Ayame and have a family, but I cannot. I do not deserve it, and I do not want Madara anywhere near her."

"Does she know about him?"

"She knows that he cannot find out. That is all."

I sighed and felt my head fall into my hands. My staples were throbbing. Yet again, I had hit that wall. Madara...

"So what are you going to do about this kid?" I stated plainly. "Considering all the shit she's been through for you, I think she'd be pretty cut up if she had to get rid of it."

"I do not know, Sasuke," my brother said frankly. "I am terrified. I do not know how to be a father, and I do not even know if I will be able to."

"Utter crap," I snapped. "Itachi, you're brilliant at everything you do. When you were looking after me when we were kids, you were pretty damned good. You were up and made sure I was washed and dressed in the morning, then you walked me to school. You cooked and you cleaned and you even made my dinner and read me stories before I went to bed. You can definitely do all the parent stuff. And you've quit now, so you can marry Ayame and have kids and stuff. Can't you?"

His only reply was a mysterious smile.

"May I have the elephant now, Sasuke?" Itachi asked quietly, signalling that our conversation was at an end. That Madara wall. I gritted my teeth and pretended to be happy.

"Here," I said, tossing the thing over to him. "I guess you've earned it."

Catching it, Itachi turned it over in his hands and smiled. "Its name is Tusks?" he asked.

"I guess. I wasn't really thinking about it, but I suppose that's quite a cool name."

"I like it," he said, then asked, "Do you still want those Goldbears?"

"If you wouldn't mind," I sniffed. "I have been waiting ages..."

Fixing me with an exasperated look, Itachi shook his head and headed for the door.

"I will be back in five minutes," he called out, at the threshold. "Do you want Skittles too?"

"Nah, you'd better not," I said. "That's Naruto's job. He'll go berserk if he finds out someone has beaten him to it."

"Very well. I shall be back momentarily. Look after him, Orochimaru."

The boss made a face at Itachi when my brother strode past the window.

"Look after him," he muttered darkly. "As if I have not been doing so for the past four days..."

"You have been doing a good job," I admitted, more to cheer him up than anything else. "A little bit on the creepily omnipresent side, but that's okay. It's nice to have someone who can detach the drip when I'm not needing it. But umm... speaking of..." I said, as my head really had begun to throb.

The boss was there in a trice.

"Thanks," I said, gratefully, as I offered my arm. "I think I'm going to try and get through the night without any morphine. It gives me some really weird dreams. Is that okay?"

"I can't see any harm in it, though if the pain does become severe, I do not want you overdosing on opiates. Would you like me to request oral painkillers?" he asked.

"Yeah, that would be great," I said.

"Then I will be back in a moment," the boss said, kissing my beanie again. "Do not move from this bed, do not walk, do not go anywhere, do you hear me?"

"Yeah, yeah, whatever," I said, rolling my eyes, even though I was not intending to do anything of the sort.

The boss and Itachi reappeared at exactly the same time, one bearing Goldbears and the other strong painkillers. I'm lying in bed now, typing this up, feeling strange but happy and slightly drug-numbed. The boss is reading a book on his camp-bed, quite content after the replacement blankets arrived, and my brother has passed out and is sleeping soundly on his chair, after having exchanged a long series of texts with Ayame which I was not permitted to read.

I have the funniest feeling that Ayame is not going to call Kabuto anytime soon. Tusks has put paid to that. I caught Itachi taking a photo of it with his phone, so he has probably sent it to Ayame.

I cannot believe he is going to be a dad.

I cannot believe I'm am going to be an uncle Sasuke.

Actually, I cannot believe this is happening in general. I'm still slightly in shock.

It's weird. I don't even know if I like it. I never thought I'd be anyone's uncle. It makes me feel old. Maybe I'll just let the kid call me Sasuke. I can be one of those cool uncles that only shows up every so often, but buys loads of excellent presents to make up for my absence. I wonder if it'll be a girl or a boy? I kind of secretly hope it's a boy. I wouldn't know what to buy for a girl. What do little girls even like, anyway? Barbies and nail-polish?

Seriously, I really hope it's not a girl. If it is, though, I'll have to be happy and pretend that's okay because I don't think Itachi would approve if I asked for an exchange.

I wonder if Ayame knows? She said she went for a scan this morning, so they will have given her one of those strange, blurry, ultrasound photos where every baby looks exactly the same: like a transparent, alien potato. I asked the boss, and he informed me that sometimes, if it's a boy, and it's at the right angle, you can make out its tiny wang.

Please, god – let there be a wang. I need wang!

LATER:

Do not read too much into that. I do not need wang. I sometimes want wang, but that is not the same as needing it – and certainly not my potential alien potato nephew's! (I am convinced it is a boy. If it's not, I will be terribly disappointed.)

Right now, what I really want and need is not wang, but sleep, so I'm going to take the last of the pills the boss brought me. Hopefully, I won't have any wang-related nightmares.

Until tomorrow!

AN: Long time, no see! Sorry about the wait. After having written about Sasuke being injured and put through so much unrelenting crap, it seemed like life thought, "Okay, that's grand, but it's your turn now." I managed to injure myself and couldn't use my dominant hand for ages. It works again now, though, and to celebrate, I thought I'd update this. If you're wondering what the hell happened to me, I might make the LJ post public for a bit. It's easier than explaining. Also, the manga has magically become awesome lately, so inspiration came drifting in from that front too. If you've dropped it, you should maybe give it another whirl. Three big battles are about to go down just now, and I'm nail-biting at one in particular. If you're following the manga, you'll probably know which one I'm talking about.

Tempus Frangit Squeaks of joy are always welcome. :) If the last chapter gave you warm fuzzies, I wonder what this one has done? Itachi the good, older brother abounds in this one - as do the awesome Akatsuki! (I think I'm starting to like Hidan and Kakuzu. They are such awful bastards, haha.)

Gerkyhen I don't blame you for dropping dead when I updated last. It was a shock even to me! I'm glad I haven't lost my writing knack. There were a couple of places where Sasuke and some other characters were a bit OOC (for this AU), but I think I know where I went wrong. When I go back and do the Big Edit I'm planning to do, that'll be sorted. I'm glad someone else is emotionally invested in this. It makes me feel less alone, lol.

Akira Nishikawa Thank you! I hope you weren't too pissed off at the other long wait. At least I had an excuse this time, haha.

Ashtray'HeartI agree with you about the anime. I stopped watching after the second bout of Shippuuden fillers (the first lot, with the kid, Gurren and the Sanbi were surprisingly good for what they were.) The manga has picked up, though, and I've been following it avidly, lurking around NF on Spoiler Wednesdays like an addict, needing my fan-crack, lol. And I'd never forget this story. No matter what I'm doing, it's always there at the back of my mind. :)

NaruGuru Itachi is so sweet, right? I'm so glad I never bought his act before the big reveal in the manga, haha. I always kind of sensed that something wasn't quite as it seemed with him. And the reason Hidan took ages to get to hospital was because Akatsuki were hoping they could wait it out in the hotel, but when Hidan wouldn't stop bleeding, they made a group decision and decided that maybe they should take him to A&E. Then they waited four hours to be seen, haha. Hidan ruins every party he goes to.

Nananki Lioness Wow! You read this monster fic in a whole day? That is actually good going, lol. I tried to re-read it during a weekend (just to refresh myself on exactly what I had written on certain points) and only got to round the twenties before I had to have a lie down. And I'm definitely not going to abandon this. ADitL is always on my mind, even if other things occasionally have to take priority.

NayanRoo I keep stuff on my alerts forever too. I kind of miss Shadowplay. If you don't plan on finishing it, could you maybe, someday, send me a PM to tell me how the story plays out? I love it so hard. But if you've only switched fandoms for a bit, I'll just wait. Kakuzu, in this fic, for some reason loves to recount sordid goings-on. His voice is quite clear in my mind (really different from canon Kakuzu). It's kind of like Jiraiya's but more aggressive. I love playing with register too. It's one of my favourite things about writing, switching from more formal, like Itachi and Oro, to more casual, like Deidara and Hidan.

Sekai-Kage Don't worry. I will never abandon this fic. It just might take me ages to finish it, lol. I may need to find a way to become immortal, lol.

Roxanne-Morinaka Yup, I'm back. We'll see if my uni work will fuck off and die and let me write fun things again. Oro's tantrums are totally the best - in the manga and in this.

Glitterthorn Haha, I'm so glad the arrival of my chapter caused you to OMGWTF and scare your mum, lol. That has got to be a good sign, right? And the Akatsuki guys really did have to quit. Even though they may be gone in the manga, in this universe, they're having a riot and living their dreams: art, art, religion and cold, hard cash. They totally deserve it.

XxsupersweetsealedwithakissxX Hello! I shall return the glomp. (GLOMP!) And thank you for your compliments too. I blush a deep and furious red. To be honest, it's a dream of mine to be published. When I've finished this, I have an original idea I'd quite like to run with. But, of course, I will keep writing fanfic on the side. It's totally the future. Some people I know don't even read printed books - only online fanfiction - and it is an excellent way to practise until you become more confident in your abilities. You should post some stuff. :) If you're not that confident about it, run it past a good beta first. I don't know any in the Naruto fandom, but you could always search around on the ff dot net forums.

Insomniac Owl I cannot remember exactly, either, which is shameful. I think it might have been something to do with one of your reviews being a certain number? I'm kind of arbitrary like that. And you are totally right about Sasuke, Itachi and Oro being out of character at certain moments. Having read forty-two over again, I'm pretty sure I know exactly when those moments are, so when I go ahead with the Big Edit I have planned, that will be sorted. I'm not sure exactly how many chapters left, but I know what's going to happen and when those things need to happen. Madara has screwed with the ending a few times, and I've toyed with killing him off, not killing him off, and lots of other measures in between, but I've finally decided on an ending. :)

Dragon77 Thank you! This update wasn't really that soon after the last one, but hey, at least it's still going? :P

Turtle Kid the Woolgatherer First, that is an awesome screen name you have there. Just needed to get that out. And that was handy that you remembered what had gone on before chapter forty-two. It would have taken you ages to re-read through 'til then. I tried to do that not long ago, and I only got to around chapter twenty or so, before I needed a break. XD

Bri Yay! It makes me so happy when I see that the same folk who have stuck with me since the beginning are still here. You people really do have the patience of saints. :) Hidan is a proper, hardcore, dyed-in-the-wool moron. He's so funny to write, but I am convinced that there is something mentally wrong with him. And there is definitely a reason why Itach is being nicer to Oro. It hasn't been discussed yet, but it will be in the coming chapters. Itachi witnessed something that Sasuke wasn't privy to when he was unconscious, and Oro didn't realise Itachi was watching. That's all I'm giving away just now. :)

p y r otechnic - - ROYAL (aka Ari) Game of Thrones! So many people are talking about that. Should I watch it? I also see you've been pretty active in the Fairy Tail fandom. Maybe I should give that a go too? What are the characters like? Are they as charismatic as Naruto and Sasuke? And I agree with you about Bleach. It did turn totally lame. I stopped reading and watching ages ago. THE HEART. What the actual fuck? XD

alloysius Oro is all about internet subcultures. Well, he wasn't until he met Kabuto. Then he was schooled in the ways of the internet and hasn't looked back since. I like to think he has profiles on message boards and occasionally trolls when he has some free time. XD

Reginleifthevalkyrie This thing is definitely epic, in the old sense of the word, when it implied LONG ASS, haha. There is a bit more before the end. Another 'arc' actually. It's Madara's fault. He had to go and mess with everything.

Taichi09 Haha, I don't think you were alone in being shocked and wtf!sadface when Oro slept with Kimi. I think quite a few people were traumatised by that moment. XD And don't worry if it seems I haven't updated in a million years. I am definitely keeping this story going. It's always in the back of my mind, no matter what else is going on, so it will be finished one day - even if you're retired and in a care home by the time it gets there, lol. Maybe you could tell your grand-kids about how you were there when that OroSasu fic was started. XD

kacheep Lol, Oro is all about the internet. He loves it.

Lia First-time reviewers are always most welcome. Thanks for coming out of lurk-dom to let me know you like this big, cracky, sarcastic monster of a fic, lol.

Narue-Nara-chan Wow, that is the most complex reaction I have ever had to anything I have ever written! XD I'm glad you like it, but I am concerned that your liking it has sent you over the edge, lol. I hope you haven't had any unwelcome epiphanies and been sectioned as a result. Regarding pairings, I'm afraid I'm pretty free and easy when it comes to them. I have no real OTPs (except maybe AU OroSasu), so my writing always reflects that. I'm not sure whether you will have liked this chapter, what with the Itachi/Ayame development, but I am UNREPENTANT! I have been setting up that damned relationship for so long now that it's brilliant to finally have it out in the open, lol. Also, to explain the Sasuke Sue comment, yeah, you're right. He seems like he can do no wrong because the whole story is run through a Sasuke filter. It's his diary (and he is very arrogant - here and in canon) so he's not going to be able to see how other people see him. Occasionally, he catches glimpses of what other people think of him, and it usually doesn't sit well with him, so he ignores it most of the time. XD

M1nks Thanks for the bunch of reviews. I love seeing those kinds: the short and sweet ones where folk are clearly reading as they go and being all LOL or WTF? as random things happen. I loved writing Itachi in overprotective cock-blocking brother mode. That was one of the most fun times I had writing the early stuff. I actually made myself laugh sometimes...

DragonRider-Xankira Oh, thank you! I blush a deep and furious red. Sasuke's strops are so much fun to write (as are Oro's - no one does a strop like Oro.) And the lack of tact. Yup. A lot of the characters here need to learn that they are not the centre of the universe. I guess old habits die hard, especially with Oro and Sasuke. XD