If Only I Could

Warning: abuse/violence/swearing

JD's POV

I wonder what's bugging him. JD thought to himself glancing at Dr. Cox sleeping soundly in an empty room. Though he seemed nervous around that patient. Usually he's the best damned doctor in this dump, but he was far from that back in that room. Dr. Cox was so uptight, he was shaking slightly, dropping things, and even stumbling across his words. He seemed to have no courage to even speak around Mr. Cox...I mean Henry. Ugg! I gotta stop doing that. It sounds so weird. Geeze he was almost as bad as nervous guy in there sweating profusely and not even making eye contact. And what the hell was that when he tried to cover himself up! Like Carla didn't notice pfft! That woman catches everything. Trying to make fun of me for daydreaming, and calling me girl names like that damn cranky patient in there...Henry or whatever his name is.

Jd snapped back to reality realizing what he just thought of. Oh my god! He called me girl names, threatned that i should've been beaten as a child and even insisting he'd do it himself! Jd mentally freaked out cursing himself for not seeing it before. The similarity between the two. Wow. Poor Perry, maybe I should go comfort him and get that hug I have always wanted, which I know he'll some day return the favor.

Though, Jd thought he knew exactly why Perry had freaked out, he still didn't know who Henry really was. Smiling dreamily at the thought of getting a hug, and still running rancid thoughts through his mind Dr Kelso had walked by.

"Get back to work Dorian, I sure as hell don't pay you to stand around looking like your latest boyfriend just dumped you. Though, if that's what you really want to do, you could do me a favor and hook up with my son. Even though you wont admitt it, it'd do us both a favor!" said Dr. Kelso with a smug look on his face. Then walking away smiling to himself.

After Jd had come back from fantasy land and hearing Dr. Kelso' s little rant he began to think to himself once again. The only man I'd ever hook up with doesn't even even want me. That and Hugh Jackman. He stared into nowhere eyes glinting picturing the actor. He's Wolverine!

Snapping back to reality once again he sighed, and headed towards Dr. Cox's empty room hoping he'd finally get that hug.

The 7 year old boy flinched away holding on for dear life. His father grabbed his face forefully pulling him closer. The man wreaked of alcohol and had a look he'd never forget. A look that'd haunt him in his dreams forever that left him screaming and gasping for air. The drunken maniac then grabbed his hair dragging him across the room and throwing him down hard again. He took the Boy stating menacingly. "Now were gonna play a little game here, and you won't struggle or make an attempt to escape. And if you do your punishment will be worse." With a wimper Perry looked up at his father with fear written all over his face. He really didn't want to play anymore games. He just wanted this to be all over. That or that he'd just die already. But maybe god had something else in store for him. His father once again grabbed his arm forcing him to stay still. Then pulled something out of his pocket that seemed to reflect in the light.

Perrys chest tightened as the fear grew inside of him. He was only 7 years old how could someone be so evil and put him through so much pain. He felt cool metal against his arm as the blade made contact with his skin. Across his arms and then his wrists his own father began to cut and slice at Perry's frail body. He wouldn't dare move, because he knew his father wasn't bluffing when he said it. With a sickening twist in his stomach the boy instilled in his mind that god no longer existed. Wondering why god would leave him like this, so instead he just lost the faith knowing that he'd probally live like this for the rest of his life. Inside the emotions swirled back and forth between fear and intense anger.

The blade cut deeper into his skin feeling the pain, as a crimson liquid appeared and dripped down his wrists. The openings burned, as his mind drifted somewhere else. That's when he began to shake uncontrollably. Though, wishing it would just stop, it didn't. The shaking was faster and then he felt a hand on his shoulder. At that Dr. Cox woke with a start gasping for air, as a scream hitched in his throat.

There staring back at him deep in the eyes with concern were Jd's blue eyes. Silently staring at eachother for just a couple of seconds for Jd to see right through him and that emotion and baggage, then was now shared with Jd. Taking his eyes off glancing at a corner of the room Jd was the first to speak. "Sorry to wake you but, it didn't look like you were exactly having the greatest dream."

Dr. Cox still looking away let a breath he didn't realize he was holding for so long. "Thanks," he stated putting his head in his hands. Jd was still concerned from before and wasn't sure what to say so he said what first came to mind, "Dr Cox," putting a hand on Perrys shoulder, "Are you ok?"

Still not saying a word Perry rubbed his face full of stress and looked up at Jd. Biting his lip and once again looking away he said what Perry Cox would always say in a situation like this. Lying straight through his teeth he whispered a definite lie, "Yeah." Knowing Dr. Cox wasn't looking Jd rolled his eyes at his response. He slid his hand from Perrys shoulder patting him on the back, and slowing sauntering out of the room. Jd of course knew this was only just the beginning.

Remembering what Carla said to him he took out his pager and paged her. When she got back to the hospital, he was sure to tell her everything that happened.

Striding quickly he slammed the door open and raced up the steps. He needed to get some fresh air, that's all. Atleast that's what he kept telling himself. Bursting through the doors and planting his feet onto the cemented ground of the roof, he took one big breath of air and let it out. Sighing in relief he slumped over leaning against the wall. I can't take this anymore! If I stay near that bastard any longer I'm probally going to break! Which is definately not a good sign for Perry Cox! What am I thinking?! Needing time to think Perry buried his head into his hands. The only thing heard were the street cars and his heavy breathing in the distant air.

Carla stormed down the hallways. "Where the hell is he," she mumbled to herself. Passing by that cranky patients room she saw Jd. "Hey have you seen Dr. Cox?" Looking back the patient had been trying to get out of bed while Jd tried to get him back in. "Sorry Carla but I'm having a little trouble here mind coming back later?" The patient grumbled, "Just let me out of here, look I'm going to change and get some fresh air! This place is too damn crowded!" Carla shot Jd a glance telling him to just let it go, and so he did. Mumbling insults the patient walked away.

"Well you going to help me find Dr. Cox?" Carla asked. Nodding Jd followed.

Jd ran down the hall to meet up with Carla nearly out of breath, "Ok seriously I searched practically searched the entire hospital except for the damn roof and I haven't found him anywhere." "Well than to the roof," Carla stated leading the way. Jd trailed behind panting and trying to keep up "Hey wait for me!"

Dr. Cox thinking everything over finally stood from his place, and exited the stairs taking on his stoic expression. With his head slightly down he bumped into someone he really DID NOT want to see. Looking up there standing before was the man he hated most...his father. Staring deep into those eyes of a madman, just wishing his stare would kill him on the spot, and that's when the madman opened his mouth.

"Wow, I haven't seen you in a long time." Perry still didn't say anything, staring daggers into the other man. "You know you were always a nuisance, and you sure as hell are a horrible doctor. I told you, you'd always amount to nothing you slime bag!" Perry's breathing became heavier, and he didnt know what to do. Maybe hit the guy, or he could just book it.

"From all the things I've ever done to you, I will never regret it. You needed to be punished you little brat!" Perry still stood feet planted to the ground without saying a word. Memories once again came flooding back.

It was hot in this small room, and little Perry sat silently with his head towards the ground. His hands were bound and tied to the radiator forcing heat onto his small body. From hours of being there he was sure to have second degree burns. The pain in his wrists were even worse, because the more he pulled at the bounds the tighter it got. Feeling a cool liquid on his arm he was sure that he drew blood, rubbing the rope against his skin, creating burns and lacerations. His face had cuts and bruises lined across it, along with the rest of his body.

The man responsible for this walked into the room grabbing the boy by the hair,"Hey "it" I said don't fall asleep!" Of course being only 9 years old his body was bruised and tired, which for his age he could not take anymore abuse. So Perry's body just slumped over exhausted. "You little shit! How many times do I have to tell you until you listen!" His father still having hold of Perry's hair pulled it even harder forcing the bounds on his wrists to become tighter. A scream was then ripped from his throat.

Letting go of his hair the drunken bastard kicked the child in the chest. He began to cough and gasp for air, as a fluidy liquid formed in his chest. At this point all he wanted to do was vomit. He gagged, choking on the bile substance appearing from his throat. Squeezing his eyes shut he forced out the contents of his stomach. Opening his eyes, there in that mess he made was a crimson color. Perry was puking up blood, which his sorry excuse for a father had probally broken something.

Slapping the boy across his already bruised face leaving another mark behind he yelled furiously,"What the fuck is wrong with you! You puked all over the damn floor and now your going to have to clean it up! If you want to be a good little boy you'll eat it all up, because your not getting any dinner you dumb shit!" Grabbing little Perry once again by the hair he shoved his face towards the distgusting contents on the floor.

Perry began to hyper ventilate not being able to breath. It was just all too real.

"Say something you little shit!" That's when not expecting it Perry felt a painful blow to his face, staggering backward. He then tripped over his own two feet and fell at the edge of the stairs. " I could never get enough of this," Henry yelled out. But his reaction time being too slow already on the ground and out of it, he didn't have time to block the burning kick to his chest. Once again, A foot connected with his chest and then the face. At that Perry rolled back, and the blow forced him tumbling down the stairs.

Hitting the bottom floor a door from behind opened up and Carla gasped at the site before her. She knelt down before Perry whom was curled up in a ball trying to stop the beating he received. She placed a hand on his shoulder and he flinched gasping trying to push away his attacker. Carla looked up to Henry at the top of the stairs glaring with a questioning look. He spoke what was pretty much a lie,"He ran into me coming down the stairs and he fell back, falling down." Jd beside her had a snarl on his face, just furious of the entire situation.

Were they really going to believe him? At that Carla and both Jd yet put another comforting hand on Perry's shoulder. Though, this time he relaxed under the familiar touch.

Thanks for reading and sory that it's so short..I just haven't updated in a bit...but now that it's summer I'll have more time to write, and I promised this chapter is better than the last.

vanillabuzz- I'm still thinking about the whole slash idea, but if I do decide to do it, I'll start it in the next chapter. That's why I added Jd being angry about Perry being hurt at the end. So it's soemthing I can go by. But it looks like it's leaning towards slash more if it gives you any hope. :)

Therm- Well I'm not the same one in the mash fandom, but thanks for liking my story. I do agree that there is not enough of Dr. Cox angst, but sadly I am a fan of slash Jd/Cox. Though it would be nice to read one thats not slash all the time. That's why I have started it out more realistic with Carla comforting him. Though I'm not sure if I will turn it to slash just yet, it is leaning more towards that side. Though I do hate when I find a great story and theres soemthing in it I just don't like, so if I could I will write another fic strictly not slash. You pick the topic, so give me a variety to choose from, and I'll pick my favorite.

Fluffy- I just love Jd/Cox fics too! I just can't get enough of them.

Thanks for the reviews!