Disclaimer: They don't belong to me. They never will.

Title: Kataan; The Aftermath

Author: Clayre

Rating:

Timeline: Takes place after the episode 'The Inner Light'. Considered an alternative universe story, as Jean-Luc and Beverly were a couple before they encounter the probe.

Summary: Life will never be the same for Jean-Luc and Beverly after their encounter with the Kataan probe.

A/n: I am roaming into unchartered territory: angst fics. Never written a P/C angst that doesn't have a happy ending. I would also like to thank my wonderful beta, Jamie.

Kataan; The Aftermath.

"Eline!" ripped from his throat and she froze beneath him. Hot tears prickled behind her eyes as she tried to prevent them from falling. She remained still as he slipped out of her, not caring that she hadn't been satisfied. His mumbled thanks reached her ears but she remained silent, knowing if she made a sound, the tears would fall. She listened intently to his breathing and as soon as she heard the relaxed snore, she slipped out of bed and let the tears fall.

Eight months ago, her life had taken a new direction. She had been in sickbay nursing a terminal patient. There had been no hope for Ensign Marcus Wen. She had done all she could to make him comfortable and sat with him through his final hours. She would have found it harder to remain as upbeat for Wen Iif Jean-Luc hadn't come down to offer his assistance, she would have found it harder to remain as upbeat for Wen e. They had sat together watching life slip away from a young man who had so much to live for. Later on that evening, once they had retired to her quarters, the death of the ensign weighing weighed heavily on their minds and making made them to question their own mortality, their own lives, and the choices they had made. Jean-Luc had revealed his true feelings to her.

The sweet words he had spoken to her melted away the hesitation she had once felt about starting a relationship with him. She finally gave into her desires for her best friend. They had entered into a loving relationship with each other. It had amazed them how quickly they had settled into their newfound intimate relationship. They had continued to do things as they had always done in private with subtle changes made. Breakfast was usually done in bed. Quick visits to the Ready Room ended with a kiss or two. Until their encounter with the Kataan probe, life had been going very well.

It had been three months since the Enterprise had conducted a magnetic wave survey of the Parvenium system. Three months since their encounter with the Kataan probe. Three months since Jean-Luc lived the life of a man called Kamin, a husband to Eline and father to Meribor and Batai. Three months since he had lived through a lifetime of memories. Three months since he returned to their quarters a different man.

Beverly wrapped her blue, silk dressing gown around her body and padded out into the main living area of their quarters. Quietly, she sat down on the couch and cried. The whole experience was taking its toll on her. Her only relief was when she was on duty and able to immerse herself in her work. Work wasn't helping to get rid of the pain. It only pushed it aside . During the quiet times in sickbay the pain would return and she would be forced to retreat to the privacy of her office. There were times when she felt like an emotional wreck. She had always relied on her profession as a physician to repress certain emotions when she had to. She had needed to do this for her own state of mind. She couldn't treat patients if her emotions were getting in the way. There were times when the facade slipped while treating a patient but usually she was able to rein herself in. Her professional detachment was certainly no help to her at the moment.

Kataan hadn't been a reality for her but it had been for Jean-Luc. He had lived a full and even fulfilling life with Eline and their children. He had seen his children born, grow up, and marry. He had lived a lifetime of memories with Eline.

Loved her deeply.

When Beverly had first read his report about his experience, her jealously had classed Eline as the other woman. It was like Jean-Luc had a whole secret life away from her. She supposed that really was true. She wasn't involved in his Kataan experience. If truth be told, Beverly didn't know what her place was in his life anymore. Was she now turning into an Eline substitute? Had she become the other woman?

Her eyes fell upon the carved box that held his precious Ressikan Flute. She had been intrigued by it when Will had found it in the probe and delivered it Jean-Luc. She had seen Jean-Luc's eyes light up at the sight of it. Yet when she had asked to see it, he had refused to show it to her. At the time, she had assumed that everything was still raw for him and that he wasn't ready to share the experience with her yet. Time went by and he became more secretive about it. She had heard him playing it on numerous occasions but he had always stopped playing when she had entered the room and had accused her of spying on him. She had been left dumbfounded by his accusations and had sought out the advice of her best female friend, Deanna Troi. Deanna had told her that in time, things would get back to normal and told her to be patient.

Beverly's patience was coming to an end. She had handled his dreams, comforting him when he awoke to find his family didn't exist on the Enterprise. She handled his secretive flute playing. She handled the constant comparisons between her and Eline.

But hearing him calling out Eline's name during their lovemaking had rocked her to her core. Its pain had been unbearable. She would have preferred assimilation by the Borg than have heard another name come from his lips when he was making love with her. She wondered about the few times they had made love since the probe and if he had been thinking about Eline then. He hadn't been as vocal as he once had been and she wondered now if he was trying not to say Eline's name. The very thought of him thinking about Eline while in her arms brought a strangled sob forth from the back of her throat. Had he been comparing their bodies as well? Did he prefer how Eline looked? There were so many questions to ask him but never the chance to ask him. As soon as she mentioned Kataan, he would clam up on her and change the subject. She knew very little of what happened to him during his encounter with the probe. The only details she knew had some from his report about his experience.

"You're awake," came his gentle voice from the doorway.

Beverly looked up and saw the man she loved, smiling at her while leaning against the doorframe. Seeing him standing there, looking at her like that, made her instantly forget the pain she had been wallowing for the past couple of hours. She felt as though his hazel eyes could see into her soul. She had always loved how he looked at her.

"Yes," she answered as he came towards her and sat down beside her.

She closed her eyes as she felt familiar feel of fingers caress the side of her face, tenderly brushing against her cheekbones. She sighed softly at the his fingers were replaced by his lips. It was these moments that she had become to cherish because it was like Kataan had never happened. When he touched her like this, she felt that they were the only two people in the universe. She pulled away as the thought of Eline flashed through her mind. There would never just be the two of them in this relationship anymore.

"I'm hungry," he whispered. "Making love always gives me an appetite."

There was a mischievous glint in his eye as he pressed himself against her. She could see the love in his eyes but she questioned for who that love shone for.

"What would you like," she asked as she got to her feet.

"Soup, please," he asked.

Beverly made her way over to the replicator and ordered a bowl of vegetable soup while Jean-Luc made himself comfortable at the table. She almost felt that they were back to normal. She had lost count of the times she had fetched him some soup after their bedroom aerobatics. The steaming soup materialised and she took it over to him and placed it down in front of him.

"Enjoy," she said softly.

"This is not kenomay soup," he said pushing the bowl of soup away.

"Jean-Luc, we don't have the any information about kenomay soup so we can't replicate it. This is Nana's vegetable soup. You always enjoyed it."

"It doesn't match Eline's kenomay soup," he replied. "I gave you the recipe for the soup."

"We tried," she said softly. "But you said it didn't taste right. Something was missing."

"That's because you can't do anything right," he said getting up from his chair and making his way towards the doors. "Eline could do it."

"I'm not Eline, Jean-Luc," she said, fighting back the tears.

"Don't I know it!" he snapped as he passed her. "I'm going to the holo deck."

Beverly stood there, motionless, as she watched the doors hiss closed, leaving her alone in their quarters. She hadn't expected an invitation to join him. There had been a time when he would have always offered but that seemed like such a long time ago.

Everything seemed such a long time ago.

There were moments when she truly thought she could see the light at the end of the tunnel but they were over in a flash. Her battered heart could really take no more.

Leaving the soup where it was, she walked into the bedroom and pulled out a small suitcase. She threw in a few items of clothing into the case, not bothering to fold them, followed by some important bits and pieces like photos, her jewellery box and a photo of Wesley. Looking around the bedroom, she sighed sadly as she resigned herself to the fact that she wouldn't be returning here for a long time, if ever. She walked back out of the bedroom with her suitcase and set it down beside the table.

With tears running down her cheeks, she made her way over to the draw where they kept twentieth century writing paper and pens. She opened it and took in the smell of the paper as she pulled a sheet out. She knew writing a goodbye note was the coward's way out but she didn't want to face him. She couldn't face him. She scribbled the note to him and set it down beside the soup before picking up her case and walking out of the rooms she had shared with him for the last eight months.

This is too much. How am I to compete? I am not Eline and I will never to be.

You will always have my heart but the same cannot be said for you.

Always,

Beverly.

fin