Disclaimer: I do not own Trinity Blood or its characters.

I know the RCO newletter has been overdue. However after consideration, I decided on something different. A radio show hosted by yours truly the Rosenkruez. The rating may up due to shameless innuendos, bad language and blasphemy(?) The views on the Church reflected in this parody are not mine, honest.

RCO Radio Hour

Session 1

Dietrich: Good evening all, I am Dietrich von Lohengrin. I am very sorry to inform all listeners that Basilisk and Helga will no longer be hosting your weekly RCO Radio Hour as they have moved on to the next plane of existence. To put it bluntly, they are both dead as doorknobs for trying to bump me and Isaak off. They had it coming. However, you are still welcome to dial in with your miserable problems so me and my fellow DJ for today, Isaak the Magician, can have a hoot at your expense.

Isaak: We interrupt your regular programme to bring you an advertisement. We have an Austrian castle for sale after its owners moved on. Scenic surroundings, peace and quiet. Going for a song. Only a bit of cleaning is required to remove some bloodstains. Now let's pop on some Mozart.

Dietrich: Aw, I was hoping Tchaikovsky's Nutcracker Suite. It will go with the tutu you are wearing.

Isaak: I am not wearing a tutu… (grabs Dietrich by the neck and slams him against the studio wall)

Dietrich: Maybe yes, maybe no. The listeners can't see that, can't they? (Phone rings…Dietrich wriggles free.)

Dietrich: Our first caller. You're on the air!

Cardinal Alfonso: I am interested in the Austrian castle. Would you consider donating it to the church?

Dietrich: Let me confer with the agent. (Confers with Isaak) Sorry. The décor may be too much for your poor churchman heart. And those hyper-sexy Automaids coming with the package. Goodbye and burn in hell. (Slams phone down) Shall we do the weather report, Isaak? Brought to you by our sponsor, Dominic Pharmaceuticals.

Isaak: The weather in Albion is expected to be cold over the next month. Ideal time to hit the Mediterranean if you hate the cold, sunny skies over Rome, Hispania… (Phone rings)

Dietrich: We have another caller. Hello, you are on the air.

Caller 1: I am a fan of Helga's. Is she really dead (sob)? (Dietrich hangs up phone)

Dietrich: Silly question. Can you folks call in with more intelligent questions? (Phone rings and Dietrich answers) Hello, you are on the air.

Eris: Er, I have a problem… People keep trying to kill me because I've some unusual powers. They say I am a monster. Even my Pa tried to kill me. Help! I've been kidnapped by a bunch of vampires for my powers. They say the church will have me burnt as a witch. Does burning hurt? I think it will… I am not a witch and I am not a monster, am I?

Dietrich: Kiddo, I've been there, done that. Welcome to the club, you little freak. Never trust the Church. Do try to get along with the vampires, at least until you're strong enough to kill them creatively (looks meaningfully at Isaak and hangs up)

Isaak (looking daggers at Dietrich): I am taking the next call… (Answers the next phone call) You are on the air.

Caller 2: Er, do you do magic tricks for children's parties?

Isaak: No. Apologizes. You have the wrong number, ma'am. Excuse me, the next call is coming in…

Cain: You two suck, you can bore the dead to death! Our ratings have slid fifty percent. I would appreciate some more banter. Isaak, do something to keep our listeners with us! Announce Dietrich's boxer size to his fangirls or something. By the way, Abel, if you are listening, how about a little get together for old times' sake? And dear Sister- (Gets cut off as the 2 DJs scuffle. Sound of ripping fabric…Yelling in the background)

Isaak: This is for you fangirls. Dietrich does not wear underwear. I repeat. Dietrich does not wear underwear- (Starts choking as the Puppetmaster employs his wires to creative use.) You little- (Summons shadows to attack Dietrich. All hell breaks loose.)

Radio station: We apologize for the interruption to your regular programme. RCO Radio Hour has been cut short today due to technical difficulties. Due to today's fiasco, we may remove the above programme due to lack of listeners. If you are still supportive of the programme being aired, please send us a letter, telegram or call.

Dietrich: (yelling and trying to cover his privates) Someone pass me a towel here! Someone fed my clothes to his shadow-puppies!

Isaak: Here you go, Puppeteer (Isaak hands him a tutu)

Dietrich: …

Author's Notes:

As the radio station says, please review if you think Isaak and Dietrich should be given a second chance at the RCO Radio Hour.