WOODWINDS

Q: What's black and brown and looks good on a piccolo's neck?
A: A Doberman.

Q: How many piccolos does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One. She stands on her throne, holds the bulb to the socket, and the world revolves around her.

Q: What do you say to three piccolos up to their necks in concrete?
A: "Damn, not enough concrete."

- Q: What's the first thing a flute player does in the morning?
A: Puts on her clothes and goes home.

Q: What do you call a good flute section?
A: A myth.

Q: What is the difference between a flute section and a vacuum?
A: You have to plug one in before it sucks.

Q: How do you get two piccolos to play in tune?
A: Shoot one.

Q: How do you get two oboes to play in tune?
A: Shoot them both.

Q: Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
A: It burns longer.

Q: What is an oboe good for?
A: You've gotta light that bassoon somehow!

Q: What do you call 10,000 oboes at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start.

Q: Why don't double reed instruments play hide-and-seek?
A: No one will look for them.

Q: How do you get an oboist out of a tree?
A: Cut the noose.

Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: To get away from the oboe recital.

Q: What's the difference between a bassoon and an onion?
A: No one cries when you chop up a bassoon.

- Q: How do you tune an English horn?
A: Nobody knows.

Q: How many clarinets does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll go through 20 before he finds the "perfect one".

Q: How do you know there's a clarinetist at your door?
A: They don't know which key to use.

Q: What do you call a line set by clarinets?
A: A circle.

Q: Why do alto clarinets keep their case in the passenger seat?
A: So they can park in the handicapped section.

Q: Why did Adolph Sax invented the saxophone?
A: He hated mankind but couldn't invent an atomic bomb.

Q: Why do alto saxes hit so many wrong notes?
A: They believe the key signature is just a suggestion.

Q: How many alto saxes does it take to screw in a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter, they will all just complain about how it's "too high" for them.

Q: What's the difference between a dead squirrel in the road and a dead tenor sax in the road?
A: The squirrel might have been on his way to its job.

Q: What's the difference between a bari sax and a chain saw?
A: The chain saw will eventually run out of gas.

Q: What do you call a bass clarinetist with half a brain?
A: Extremely gifted.

Q: What do you call the same bass clarinetist after a lobotomy?
A: An even more gifted contrabass clarinetist.

Flute players spend half the time tuning their instrument and the other half playing out of tune.

A woman goes on an exotic trip for vacation. As the boat nears the island, she begins hearing drums. When she gets off the boat, the woman asks a native how long the drumming will go on. The native responds, "Very bad when drumming stop."
The next day comes and the drumming is still going on. The woman asks another native when it will stop. Again, the native says, "Very bad when drumming stop."
"Why?!" she asks.
"Piccolo solo start."

Which of the following is the best place to practice for a tenor sax to practice?
A. Saddam Hussein's bedroom.
B. The bottom of the ocean.
C. A deserted coal mine.
D. None of the above.
The correct answer is D. A tenor sax never, ever practices. The risk of learning to play his instrument is too great.

A man walks into a meat store looking for brains for dinner. He sees a sign that says:
Clarinet Brains - $1/lb
Trumpet Brains - $5/lb
Percussionist Brains - $50/lb
Tenor Saxophone Brains - $100/lb
The man asks why tenor saxophone brains are so expensive. The butcher replies, "Do you have any idea how many tenors you have to kill to get a pound of brains?"

A bari sax player came home and found his house burned to the ground. The bari asked one of the police officers on the scene what happened. The officer said, "It seems the director came and burned down your house."
The bari's eyes lit up, and he gleefully asked, "You mean that the director came to my house?"

A priest and an English horn player are standing outside the pearly gates. St. Peter looks at them both and thinks for a minute, then lets the English horn player in. The priest is appalled.
"How can he get in when I can't?" he asks.
St. Peter shrugs and says, "Well, when you preached, everyone fell asleep. But when he played, everyone prayed. And when he was finished, everyone thanked God."

BRASS

Q: How many trumpet players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Five. One to actually change it, and four to talk about how much better they could have done it. (Better stonger higher faster)

Q: How do you keep a trumpet from drowning?
A: Take your foot off his head.

Q: What's the difference between a trumpet player and a government bond?
A: The bond will eventually mature and earn money.

Q: How do you know a trumpet player is at your door?
A: The doorbell screeches.

Q: What's the difference between a dead snake in the road and a dead trumpet player?
A: There are skid marks before the snake.

Q: What do trumpet players use as birth control?
A: Their personalities.

Q: What do you call a trumpet section that never challenges?
A: Nonexistant.

Q: How do you get a trumpet to play fff ?
A: Write mf on his part.

Q: Did you hear about the planeload of trumpets en route to Europe?
A: The good news is: it crashed. The bad news: There were four empty seats.

Q: What's the difference between a French horn and a '57 Chevy?
A: You can tune a '57 Chevy.

Q: Why is the French horn a divine instrument?
A: Man blows into it, but God only knows what comes out.

Q: How is a French horn different from a sewer rat?
A: Some people like sewer rats.

Q: How many French horns does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Just one, but he'll spend an hour checking for leaks.

- Q: What do you call a mellophone player on the street?
A: A beggar.

Q: What's the definition of a gentleman?
A: Someone who knows how to play mellophone and doesn't.

Q: What's the dynamic range of low brass?
A: Loud, louder, and asleep.

Q: How do you know your child will grow up to be a trombonist?
A: On the playground, he doesn't know how to use the slide, and he cannot swing to save his life.

Q: How do you know a trombone player is at your door?
A: The knocking slows down.

Q: Why are trombonists the best lovers?
A: Trumpets use three fingers, baritones sometimes use four, but a trombone can do it in seven positions.

Q: How many trombonists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Three. One to change it and two to make sexual innuendoes about it.

Q: What is the best description of a trombone?
A: A slide whistle with delusions of grandeur.

Q: What does pp mean to a trombone in a jazz piece?
A: Time for an impromptu solo.

Q: What does pp mean to a trombone in a concert piece?
A: It's a kind reminder that he has been playing too loud for the past five minutes.

Q: When is a trombone not a trombone?
A: When it's a valve trombone.

Q: How do you put a sparkle in a baritone player's eye?
A: Shine a light in his ear.

Q: What do you call a baritone with a cell phone?
A: An optimist.

Q: Why were baritones invented?
A: Someone thought their tuba should have a baby.

Q: How many baritone players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter. They all just complain about the dark until a trombone player changes the bulb.

- Q: What's the difference between a baritone and a puppy?
A: Eventually, the puppy will stop whining and it's cute when it's whining.

Q: What's the range of a tuba?
A: 20 yards if you have a good arm.

Q: A tuba and a trombone are sitting in a car. Who's driving?
A: The policeman.

Q: A How many tuba players does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Doesn't matter. They'll just say "If I wanted to go that high, I'd be playing baritone."

A band director decided to fly his entire jazz band across the Atlantic to Europe for a band trip, since there were only 23 of them. The trumpet section is sitting together. The last chair says, "I'll throw a $100 bill out the window and make someone very happy."
The third chair says, "I'll do better. I'll throw two $50 bills out the window and make two people very happy."
The second chair tries to say something, but the first chair cuts him off and says, "I can do better than any of you. I'll throw five $20 bills out the window and make five people really happy."
The director, who is sitting in front of them, turns around and says, "No. I can do better. I throw all four of you out the window and make twenty people really happy."

The trombone player took home his instrument. Hey, it could happen.

St. Peter is checking IDs at the Pearly Gates one day. A Texan walks up to him. Peter asks, "What did you do in your life?"
The Texan answers, "I struck oil and made millions. But I left it all to my family so they won't have to work for at least three generations." Peter nods and lets him in. The second guy walks up.
"And what did you do in your life?" Peter asks.
"I made it big in the stock market. But I wasn't selfish and I left it all to charities," he says. Peter nods and lets him in. The third guy in line walks up.
"And what did you do?"
"Well," says the guy. "I only made five thousand dollars in my life."
Peter looks at him and asks, "Was it a sousa or a contra?"

Johnny's mom asked him what he wanted to be. He said, "When I grow up, I wanna be a trumpet player!"
She frowned and said, "Johnny, honey, you can't do both."

A trumpet player, a trombone player, and a French horn player are driving when they meet at an intersection and crash. All the cars are totaled. They all get out to survey the damage.
The trumpet player slowly walks around the cars, shaking his head. He mutters, "Holy crap. I'm lucky to be alive."
The horn scrambles out of his car and looks at the wreckage. He looks at the trombone climbing out the window and says, "Man, we're lucky to be alive."
After exchanging information, the horn player says, "Y'know, I think this is a sign. We should put aside our rivalry and make peace." The other nods.
The trombone suggests, "Let's see what else survived this wreck." So he pops open his trunk and pulls out a full bottle of Jack Daniels. He turns to the others and says, If this isn't another sign from God, I don't know what is. So let's toast to survival and our new found friendship!"
The trumpet says, "You're right!" He grabs the bottle and starts sucking down Jack Daniels. After putting away nearly a third of the bottle, he hands it to the horn player, who also sucks down a third. He hands it to the trombone player; he screws the cap back on and says, "I think I'll wait for the cops to show up."

PERCUSSION

Q: Why do bands have bassists?
A: To translate for the drummers.

Q: Did you hear about the bass player who locked his keys in the car?
A: It took him two hours to get the drummer out.

Q: What did the drummer get on his IQ test?
A: Drool.

Q: How do you get a snare to play an accelerando?
A: Tell him to play a steady 4/4 at 120 bpm.

Q: How can you tell a drummer is at your door?
A: The knocking just keeps getting faster and faster.

Q: How many drummers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: One, but he'll go through 10 before he realizes you can't just shove them in.

Q: What should a snare drum be played with?
A: A razor blade.

Q: What's the difference between a drummer and a drum machine?
A: You only have to enter the information once for the drum machine.

Q: Why is it a good thing for a percussionist to be drooling out both sides of his mouth?
A: It means the stage is level.

Q: How does a percussionist's brain call die?
A: Alone.

Q: What do you call a drummer in a three-piece suit?
A: The defendant.

Q: What's the best way to confuse a drummer?
A: Put music in front of him.

Q: What do you call a kid with a set of drums?
A: The poster child for birth control.

Q: What's the difference between the timpani player and the director?
A: Usually 2 measures, but it can be as many as 8.

Drummers do have a brain…they all have to share it, though.

A percussionist, tired of all the percussionist jokes, decides to change his instrument. He decides on the accordion. So, he walks into the shop and says to the owner, "I'd like to look at your accordions." The owner directs him to them. The drummer comes back a few minutes later and says, "I want the big red one." The owner looks at him and frowns.
"You're a percussionist, aren't you?" The percussionist is crestfallen.
"How did you know?" he asks.
The owner smiles and says, "The 'big red one' is the radiator."

One day Jimmy came home from school, very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! We were saying the alphabet today and I made it all the way through when everyone else messed up around 'P'!"
His mother smiled and said, "That's because you're a percussionist, Jimmy."
The next day, Jimmy came home from school, very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! We were counting to ten today and I made it all the way when everyone else messed up around seven!"
His mother smiled and said, "That's because you're a percussionist, Jimmy."
The day after that, Jimmy came home from school, very excited. "Mommy, Mommy, guess what! We measured ourselves and I was the tallest in the class! Is it also because I'm a percussionist?"
His mother frowned and said, "No, Jimmy, it's because you're 28 and still in first grade."

A guy wanted to join band. He went up to the director and asked to play trombone. The director said, "Okay, but we'll have to remove ¼ of your brain." The guy said okay and went into surgery.
When he was recovering, the surgeon came up to him and asked, "There was a slight problem with your surgery. Your chart was misread and we accidentally removed ¾ of your brain."
The guy shrugged and said, "That's fine. Got any sticks?"

DIRECTOR, ETC.

Q: What do you do with a baritone player who can't play?
A: Give him two sticks, put him in the back, and call him a percussionist.

Q: What do you do if he still can't play?
A: Take one stick away, bring him up front, and call him a director.

Q: What's the difference between a bull and a band?
A: With a bull, the horns are in the front and the ass is in the back.

Q: What's the ideal weight for a conductor?
A: 2.5 pounds, if you count the urn.

Q: A director and a trumpet player are both standing in the road in front of you. Which do you hit first? Why?
A: The director. Business before pleasure.

Q: How many conductors does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Probably one, but no one's watching.

Q: Why did the band bury their conductor 20 feet under?
A: Because he really was a nice guy deep down.

Q: Why are conductors' hearts so coveted for transplants?
A: They get so little use.

Q: How are band directors like condoms?
A: It's safer with one, but more fun without.

A musician walked into a store in a rather shady part of town. He saw a stuffed rat. "How much does this cost?" he asked the man behind the counter.

"Well, it costs fifty dollars, but you can't return it." The musician shrugged.

"Okay." He handed over fifty dollars and walked out the shop, the stuffed rat tucked under his arm. He looked down and realized there were about twenty rats following him. He turned a corner—and they still followed! He threw the stuffed rat into the river, and all the rats followed and drowned. The musician walked back into the store.
"I said you can't return the rat!" the man behind the counter said. The musician laughed.
"I don't want to return it. I just wanted to know if you have any stuffed directors here."

A band director bought a lamp at a garage sale. He took it home and rubbed it. A genie came out. "Oh, thank you for freeing me from this lamp!" the genie said, bowing. "Unfortunately, I am a rather weak genie, and I am only able to grant you one wish." The director nodded.
"Alright," he said. He pulled out several maps and handed them to the genie. "You see these countries? That is the Middle East. I want peace in the Middle East." The genie looked uncomfortable.
"I am most sorry, master, but I am too weak to do this. It is all rooted in religion, and these boys start fighting when they are so small. It will nearly be impossible. Maybe, master, you would like to make another wish?" The band director thought for a moment.
"I want my band to play in tune for just one concert."
The genie quickly asked, "Can I see those maps again?"

A musician called his band director to ask for some help with one of the band's pieces. A woman picks up the phone and, when asked where the director is, she says, "I'm sorry. He passed away this morning." The musician hangs up then calls again two minutes later. The woman again says, "I'm sorry, he died earlier today." The musician calls again 27 more times. Finally, the woman asks "Why are you calling so much? He's not going to come back!"
"I know," the musician replies. "I just love hearing you say he's dead."

There were two people walking down a street. One was a musician. The other didn't have any money, either.

- Q: How many band jokes are there?
A: Only this one. All the rest are true.