The What If Parodies

What if the Tracy Boys Were All Girls?

Jeff Tracy sighed as he read the front o the envelope he had picked up. "Envelope one of four, Mastercard. Oh, no!" He scratched at his bald head and reached for his heart pills. He opened the first envelope gingerly, and took one of the pills as he unfolded the letter. "Nine thousand dollars!" he screeched.

"Svetlana, would you go and get your sister for me?" asked Jeff, to his third daughter, who conveniently was passing the lounge doors.

"Sure," said Svetlana and hurried off. Jeff had not told her which sister to get, but she was sure of the right one.

"Christa!" called Svetlana through her youngest sister's bedroom door. "Father wants to see you." She had to shout as awful teen pop was blaring from her stereo.

The music stopped, and the blonde, pretty Christa emerged. "What for? Why is he always picking on me?" she asked in a childish tone.

"Don't know," said Svetlana, "But he's not happy with you!" She banged on the wall, laughed, and went off down the hall. Christa went back into her room, to decide whether to go and see her father or try to hide from him. She knew he'd never come looking for her, it was like he was glued to that chair in the lounge most of the time.

Meanwhile Svetlana called her older sister Valentina on the intercom.

"Yeah?" said Val.

"Where are you?" asked Svet.

"In the auto shoeshine and general cobblery room."
"We have a shoeshine room? What for?"

"Not sure myself, sis, I only found out we had it this morning. Brains said something about it being necessary for the plot, like that day Landing Control just sprang up."

"Right, okay. Where is it?"
"Left at the bowling alley, under the riding stables, past the cigarette storage room, and you're there."
"I'll see you in a minute. Christa's done it again."
"Oh no."

Christa sneaked into the kitchen to try and find Tin-Tin. Instead, she found his mother, Kyrana, cooking.

"Where's Tin-Tin?"
"Out walking Snowy." She said. "Your Father is looking for-"

Christa ran out of the back door. Tin-Tin was full of ideas, he'd know what to do. Maybe he could smuggle her to Australia.

"So it was 9 thousand just from envelope one!" said Svetlana to Val in the shoeshine room.

"No way!" said Val.

"Yeah!" Svet laughed.

"Not funny, Svet. We're going to need a lot more heart pills!"

"Hmm. What are you doing down here anyway?" asked Svet.

"Well, I just came by to get another 200 cigarettes but I met Brains on the way and she said she'd heard banging in here and the buffing machine needed fixing. So I fixed it."

"Why didn't she? Oh, still upset about the whole Tin-Tin thing?"

"Really. Christa was taunting her again and they got into a cat fight. Brains was winning but Grandpa drove them apart with a broom," said Val.

"Bummer. Someone needs to teach Christa a lesson."

"Yeah."

They sat quietly for a while. Since their mother had died, Jeff had been raising the family on his own, and it was just a great big storm of hormones. Especially Brains and Christa. Things had got so bad with Sally, the second oldest Tracy girl, that she had been sent into space to work on the family communication satellite. Val and Svet got on pretty well, although any mention of their father's good friend Lord Creighton-Ward would get them into a scuffle. And Kathryn spent all of her time sunbathing, swimming, and looking in the mirror. She didn't like to be disturbed.

Unable to fin Tin-Tin, Christa resolved to face the music, and went back to the house. She did her hair in pigtails and made herself cry.

"Daddy?" she said, sniffing, as she went into the lounge,.

"Christa!" said Jeff, gruffly. "What is this?"

Christa pretended not to know and came over to look at the letter Jeff was holding. Okay, she had been a little heavy on the credit card, but there were so many pretty shoes she didn't have.

"I've had enough, Christa. I can't let you single-handedly bankrupt this organisation. There are people relying on us!"

"But Daddy!" said Christa.

"Card!" shouted Jeff.

"I don't have it with me."

"Card."

"No!"

Jeff pressed the intercom. "Brains, bring the new stun weapon, please."

Brains entered holding a Tazer, and a very happy expression.

"If she doesn't hand it over, Zap her!" said Jeff.

Brains shot Christa with the weapon, and she lay moaning on the floor. "My hand slipped!" asserted Brains, and pulled Christa's credit card from her sock.

"Thank you," said Jeff. Dealing with his daughter and credit cards required extreme measures.

"Oh no, thank you," said Brains, and left throwing the Tazer from hand to hand, whistling.

Jeff took a pair of scissors from his desk and cut the credit card into tiny bits. Christa began to come around, and saw the pieces falling like snow to the ground. She sobbed, and Jeff ignored her completely.

A familiar sound interrupted Jeff's trimming. The picture of his daughters on the wall changed from them poledancing to them in their uniforms.

"Go ahead, Sally," said Jeff.

The picture vanished and a video feed appeared. Sally was sitting on a weight bench, doing bicep curls with 20 kg. Sally's hair was unkempt, and she was wearing a T-Shirt that said, "It's spelled fck you stupid fck."

"There's a distress call from England," said Sally through gritted teeth as she continued to pump iron.

"What's the situation?" asked Jeff.

Sally put the dumbbell down and got a long cigarette from off camera, and took a deep drag.

"Look, all I know is, there's been a truck crash on the M25. Very nasty, apparently, gas cylinders and that, too much for local services. Between Junctions 6 and 7."
"What are the-"

"Look, I've told you everything I know. Everything. Now I have things to do. Good bye."

"But-" Jeff tried to speak.

Sally screamed. "No more talking! God, if I ever get back down there."

"What vehicles are needed?" asked Jeff.

"Isn't that your job?" said Sally, wryly, and drag on her cigarette. "Wow, Dad, that beer belly's really coming on."

Jeff pressed a button and the laughing Sally disappeared.

"OK, we are go!" said Jeff.

"Say it properly!" said the now recovered Christa.

Jeff sighed. Why did he let the girls name the organisation? "International Helping Hugs are go!" said Jeff, quietly.

Svetlana and Valentina soon appeared in the lounge. Jeff called again for Kathryn, who eventually appeared wrapped in a towel.
"What?" asked Kathryn.
"There's a job,"said Svet.

"Is it underwater?" asked Kathryn.

Svet looked at Jeff. "No." said Jeff.

"Not interested," said Kathryn, and went back outside.

Jeff shook his head. "Teddy Bears 1 and 2 are needed in London."

The three girls departed through various pieces of art and furniture.

Jeff had not told the girls the exact location, but somehow they knew where to go. First to take off was Val, in Teddy Bear 1, the rocket powered pink recon vessel of IHH. Then went Svet, piloting TB2, the heavy purple workhorse of the fleet, with Christa reading Marie Claire in the passenger seat.

Val landed spotlessly, and breathed relief; she had only just managed to get the dents out from when she had tried to parallel park. It was a little different in TB 2.

"How much room do I have?" asked Svet, hovering over the hard shoulder with her hazard lights on.

"10 metres," said Christa, without even looking up.

Svet eased the controls down, and smashed into the floor.

"You said I had 10 metres!" shouted Svet.

"You crashed; don't blame me!" said Christa. "Pilot error!"

"I'll kill you!"

Christa made a speedy exit and Svet got out to inspect the damage.

The scene was of panic. There was a huge queue of traffic behind a wall of police cars down the motorway. In front, there was a big pile of trucks, and every so often, a gas canister would rocket up into the air and send the police running.

Val spoke to the officer in charge, Niamh O'Flanagan.

"What's the story?"

"Well," she said, in a rather comical Irish accent, "We have the big fire right there, and in it there's a tanker truck, and another truck full of gas canisters. We've got most of the people out, but there'll be more damage if the gas canisters keep going up. And the road surface has melted, so it's soft underfoot."

Svetlana jogged over. Christa followed, hands on hips. Val filled them in, but Christa was not really paying attention. But as she looked at the scene, she noticed a small van with a logo on the side. "Manolo Blahnik."

"Oh God!" she cried. "I'll get the Firefly!"

Christa disappeared and returned with the vehicle, spraying the pile with foam. The fire was out, and although it took about half an hour for the canisters to stop going up, the day was saved.

Someone ran out into the foamy mess from the small crowd of onlookers, and opened the small Blahnik van. Christa ran over.

"Are they okay?"

"My beautiful shoes!" sobbed the driver. "My beautiful, beautiful shoes!"

Christa ignored the foam-covered people slowly emerging from the wreck, leaving them to Svet and Val. Christa and the driver carefully picked up the damaged, yet still priceless, antique shoes.

Svetlana and Valentina hose off the foam-covered accident victims, and are shocked by their minor injuries.

"Godammit, Christa! You and your shoes!" said Val.

Svetlana almost fainted- one of the casualties had cut his finger and the sight of blood was almost too much. At Val's instruction, she went for a sit down.

International Helping Hugs helped clear up some of the mess, and then left the authorities to get on with the rest. Before departing, they called in to Teddy Bear 5.

"Sally, this is Teddy Bear 1. We are clear."

"Fck you!" said Sally, with gritted teeth.

"Okay," said Val, and signed off. The brave rescuers headed back to Tracy Island.

"Excellent job, girls," said Jeff Tracy during the debrief. "What's wrong, Christa?"
Christa was sobbing in the corner of the room, being comforted, half-heartedly, by Grandpa.

"She's still upset about the accident," said Svet, sarcastically.

"I thought there were only minor injuries?" said Jeff, surprised.

"To people, sure," said Val. "But these are antique Blahnik shoes."

"Riiiight," said Jeff, and shook his head. "Dismissed."

The Svet, Val, and Grandpa departed, and for once, so did Jeff, leaving Christa alone.

Brains came quietly into the room.

"Christa?" she asked.
"What?" sobbed Christa.

"I've got something to show you."

"Huh?"

"Follow me."

Brains led Christa down to the newly discovered shoeshine room, and explained its operation.

"And with this, you can repair all those shoes," said Brains, sweeping her hair out of her face.

"All of them?" asked Christa.

"Yes."

Christa threw her arms around Brains and hugged her tightly. "Thank you."
"No sweat," said Brains, and left Christa to the polishing.

Val, Svet, and Jeff had been listening outside.

"They'll be at each other's throats again by the end of the week," said Svet.

"No they won't," said Val.

As they walked away, arguing, Jeff Tracy couldn't help but wonder if it wouldn't have been much better if his girls had all been boys.