Title: Beauty and the Snark

Authors: angcatalonan and HouseAddiction

Pairing:

HA: House/Cuddy
ac: QUESTION!!! raises hand Can we have Wuddy here too as a rival pairing?
HA: Sure thing. As long as it fits…and we should be able to use it to cause some Huddy drama…XD

Timeline:

ac: AU?
HA: I'm pretty sure…It doesn't really parallel to anything I don't think…and if it does, we'll change it later. For now, it is AU.

Summary:

ac: House and Cuddy had a bet…consequence is pretty cool. opens mouth to tell everyone the terms of the bets
HA: NO!!!! Don't tell them! That should be a secret!!! XD

Disclaimer:

ac: I don't have anything to do with House MD. But I definitely want to----you?
HA: I am the original writer of House MD. I take all the credit for everything and all you people who have been using MY characters are going to be fined!!! XD JK I don't own anything. Promise.
ac: Sweet.

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CHAPTER 1

If I could reach the stars I'd pull one down for you

Shine it on my heart so you could see the truth

"Bilirubin is finally spiking back up to normal levels," Chase said.

"There will no longer be a need for a liver transplant. You saved the liver, all right," Foreman replied.

"Case solved," said Cameron in her best congratulatory voice and closed the patient's chart.

That this love I have inside is everything it seems

Foreman and Cameron exchanged meaningful looks.

But for now I find it's only in my dreams

Chase cleared his throat but failed to drag House back to reality.

That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could change the world

House was tapping his good foot to the beat of Eric Clapton's "Change the World" while pretending to listen to what Cameron was saying when he saw a beautiful pair of black leather heels invade his line of vision along with a slender body clad in a tight fitting two-layer tank top and a pencil skirt.

Showing off with the twins again…will she ever learn?

If I could be king even for a day
I'd take you as my queen I'd have it no other way

House smiled, although he knew that Foreman had just said something that should have been offensive to him. He just continued to watch the woman that had caught his attention for the first time that day.

She smiled occasionally at doctors that had passed by her and gave a nod to patients that didn't even know who she was. She pulled her skirt down to straighten the wrinkles that had formed due to her quick stride. He watched as Wilson caught up to her to show her a chart.

And our love will rule in this kingdom we have made
Till then I'd be a fool wishin' for the day

She took it from Wilson, looked at it, and then gave him her opinion on it. Wilson nodded in approval. She gave him a light reassuring pat on his arm. Wilson smiled back at her.

Really charming. House rolled his eyes.

She turned around after Wilson retreated back to his office and caught House staring at her through the glass walls of the Diagnostics Department. He was slightly shocked when she caught him but then he was able to react faster than she expected him to.

That I can change the world

He winked at her.

I would be the sunlight in your universe

She glared at him and shook her head. Obviously her mood changed faster than a second ticking by in his wristwatch.

You will think my love was really something good

House pulled one of the earphones from one of his ear and grabbed his cane to get up. He pushed the power button on his iPod. Eric Clapton's voice started to fade into the background as he made his way to the door and to the woman he so wanted to annoy.

Baby if I could change the world

"Cuddy! Cuddy!"

Baby if I could change the world

She quickly turned around at the sound of her surname being yelled out behind her. She already knew who it was before she saw him.

House was making his way down the hallway faster than she would have thought he could. She decided that it would be better not to wait for him and just arched an eyebrow before continuing to walk down the hallway.

"Dr. Cuddy!" He tried to catch up to her after leaving the Scooby-Gang hanging and puzzled. She continued to ignore him. "Hey, Sexy Ass! Talk to me."

She faced him angrily. "Don't sexy ass me, you moron." She quickly turned away again.

"Cuddy," House said with a much softer voice, almost pleading with her.

She faced him angrily again and said. "DON'T CUDDY ME!"

"What? You think this cold treatment you're giving me will actually work against my sizzling hotness?"

She didn't even looked at him as she pushed the elevator button at the end of the hall. They waited in silence as the elevator door opened. She was about to walk into it when House barred the doorway with his entire body. There was no way for her to get in there unless she wanted to physically plow past him. She couldn't trust him to be discreet about their bodies brushing against each other. Cuddy stood there weighing the pros and cons before deciding to try and get past him.

She tried three times and could not get past his greater size and stature. House gave her a look of pure triumph. Cuddy just glared at him before deciding to take the stairs. As she strode down the hallway, she heard his footsteps behind her. He was still following her!

She stopped abruptly and turned around, nearly smashing her nose into his chest. House looked amused. She had had enough. She looked down the hallway to make sure the coast was clear before pulling him into the nearest utility closet.

The closet was small and dark and they were standing mere inches away from each other. Cuddy reached out and locked the door.

"Utility closet, huh? Very Chameronic. Got any ideas?" House teased, but quickly shut his mouth. The lights didn't have to be on for him to see the anger blazing in her blue eyes.

"No? Well, that's ok. I have a few ideas of my own." He began to inch toward her. She quickly turned on the lights.

House flinched at the sudden burst of light. "Awww... my ideas will work so much better in the dark," he said. He made to turn of the lights but she slapped his hand away.

"Keep your hands away from the light switch and don't even try to feel me up, House," she snarled at him.

"What did I do now?" he asked, using his best 'I'm-an-innocent-cripple' face.

He thought he saw a tear almost fall down from her eyes before she brought her palm up to her face. "My assistant resigned. AGAIN."

"My condolences."

"For the second time this week--"

"I don't know what to say."

"--and the sixth time this month. You're unbelievable."

"You're blaming me?"

"Yes! Why the hell are you harassing my assistants?!"

"I'm not harassing them!"

"The first one I had, you diagnosed with some kind of cancer that she doesn't have just so she would retire."

"She used to have cancer. Ask Wilson."

"It was Wilson who told me she doesn't have---never had cancer."

"The poor old woman wanted to retire. She told me she was tired of working for you and had been trying to retire for some time now. Just let her go. Let go, Cuddy."

"The one before this one I had to fire because he almost punched you and broke your nose."

"I'm still trying to figure out why you had to hire a bodyguard."

Cuddy's eyes narrowed. She put her hands on her hips. "This last one told me that you wouldn't leave her alone until she gave you a copy of the keys to my office. When she didn't give it to you, you showed up in her apartment and held her cat for ransom until she gave in!"

He looked at her with a bemused expression on his face. "She told you that? She fabricates good stories. Almost sounds like me. You should make her work in Pediatrics. All the children would love her stories. She sounds creative enough."

Cuddy pinched the bridge of her nose. "Why are you doing this to me?"

He smiled meaningfully. "Doing what to you?"

"I just received the forty-eighth patient's complaint about a grumpy doctor with a cane from the clinic. Why is it so hard for you to get along with other human beings? Why is it so hard for you to be good to make my job a little easier? It's not supposed to be this hard…" Cuddy ranted.

"Because people are always trying to make me act like someone I'm not. And some people get suspicious when I do act differently. So it's best to act how I always do so that certain people know what to expect."

Cuddy rolled her eyes and exhaled sharply as he stressed each "people" as if it was an indirect reference to Cuddy.

"It's not my job to please everybody. It's not wrong to be good on the inside and not on the outside."

Cuddy frowned, obviously not believing him. Then she sighed, "What would it cost me if I asked you to be kind to another individual---I mean every individual--- you have to interact with for the next week? No harsh bluntness, annoying stunts and childish experimentation at the expense of another. What do I have to do?"

"Are you proposing a bet? Between me and you?"

Cuddy looked at him straight in his eyes challengingly.

That I can change the world
I would be the sunlight in your universe
You will think my love was really something good
Baby if I could---

Nearly twenty minutes had passed before the door to the utility closet opened. House stepped out first, gallantly holding the door for the Dean of Medicine. Cuddy quickly strode toward the stairs as House shut the door behind him. As he made his way back to his office, all the nurses stared at him.

---change the world

He was smiling so wide, so triumphantly, they had no idea what to do. They just stood there, speechless.

Baby if I could---

As she walked toward the elevators, Cuddy was speechless. Did she actually just agree to…? Cuddy's eyes widened and she stifled a groan.

---change the world

The maintenance man stood outside the utility closet with his ear pressed to the door. The Dean and the hospital jack-ass were in there…yelling…Well actually, only the Dean was yelling, which made it easier to hear what was going on. As the conversation went on gradually his eyes grew wide and his mouth dropped open. He heard the handle jiggle and hustled around the corner, quickly wheeling his garbage can behind him. He made it around the corner with thirty seconds to spare to catch his breath before the click of heels on linoleum grew louder. Dr. Cuddy came around just then. She nodded to him and he gave her a faint, knowing smile, causing her face to turn bright red, including her ears.

As the doors closed, Cuddy leaned against the cool, metal behind her. Did that man hear everything that happened? No…he couldn't have…but they had been talking relatively loud…

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Authors' Notes

AC: Yes, we made use of a cute reference to the Chamerons and a mockery of the utility closet scene… I loved the idea… ain't it genius?

HA: All right guys…that was the first chapter of our fic. What do you all think? Please review. I'd love to know, as would AC. Also for everyone who reads Desperation, I'm so sorry I haven't updated that. Thyla, I love you and got your review. I'm sorry I haven't updated. I haven't had any time to write it, what with school, trying to get this fic up, and beta-ing fics, I've been a little behind. But hopefully Chapter 11 should be written and typed soon…soon meaning after my final exams all right?

Oh and if anyone can think of a good title, please let us know. We both were having trouble picking one…Unless you like the one that we already have.

Love to all!

ac: Ciao! R and R, everyone. he-he! HA---this is superb!