The Gravity of Permanence

By faketreefinger

--------------------------------------------------------------

" And then I looked up at the sun and I could see
Oh, the way that gravity pulls on you and me,
And then I looked up at the sky and saw the sun,
And the way that gravity pushes on everyone,
On everyone."

Coldplay, "Gravity"

-----------------------------------------------------------------

The brilliant light from the full moon dominated the sky like a perfectly cut hole in a massive dark blue blanket. Many small, bright holes peppered the darkness and Gil Grissom stared at them feeling very contemplative and contented. He thought about gravity and how all objects attract one another. Sara Sidle lay beside him silently gazing at the night sky. He turned to her and thought, perhaps for the millionth time, about the effect each individual has on another. And the effect Sara had on him. No matter what happened or how much he tried to avoid it in the past, he was pulled by her. It was magnetic. It was gravitational. He was utterly powerless against it.

Now, he didn't try to avoid it or deny it. He accepted the loss of power openly and couldn't imagine his life without it. He was still rather green in the relationship area and made mistakes upon occasion, but she always forgave him. The gravitational pull never weakened, it only seemed to grow in force.

He turned his gaze back to the moon and asked suddenly but softly, "If I asked you to, would you marry me?"

Sara's eyebrows rose and her eyes widened and her mouth dropped… but only for a moment. She grinned slightly and turned her head on the blanket that covered the dusty ground below them.

"That depends. How big is the ring?"

He pursed his lips, still gazing at the specks of white above them. A moment passed as Grissom contemplated Sara's teasing question. He let out a sigh and pulled his left arm underneath his head to rest on.

"You're doing it again," Grissom said softly, his eyes still fixed on the moon.

Sara chuckled almost inaudibly. "Doing what?"

"Sidestepping," he answered simply and nonchalantly.

"I am not sidestepping," Sara replied with a hint of defensiveness that she couldn't justify.

"You are most definitely sidestepping, my dear," he said and turned to look at her.

Her eyes narrowed for a moment, but she gave a small smile and replied, "How rich coming from you. The king of sidestepping. If I skirted issues like you do, we'd never get anything done."

"Don't get angry," he told her quietly.

She sighed and grinned at herself, fully aware that she was taking it too seriously. "I'm not."

A few minutes passed in complete, comfortable silence as Sara contemplated the question Grissom had posed. It wasn't that she didn't want to marry him; it was simply that she didn't feel it was necessary. Grissom had offhandedly posed the subject of marriage a few months earlier and she had quickly changed the subject, not really wanting to get into it. She hadn't really been in the best of moods with him because of the tension his sabbatical had put on their relationship. But he had returned quite changed and even more sincere about their relationship.

She didn't want to have this conversation now, but it was unfair to continue putting it off. They were approaching their two year anniversary. A lot of things had come their way and their relationship had endured it all. It seemed that they became closer every single day. But still, marriage was not on her mind.

"Are you going to answer the question, Sara?" Grissom finally said, his tone serious and slightly apprehensive.

She exhaled, defeated. Perhaps tonight would be a good time to talk about it after all. They were together, alone, lying under perfectly lit sky of stars. If he was willing to open up, perhaps she should take advantage of it anyway.

"Okay. Well… it really does depend…"

"On the ring?" he said, turning to her with a bemused look on his face.

She laughed and looked at him briefly before turning back to the sky. "No, no. Not the ring. It depends on why you want to get married in the first place," she said softly, wondering if he would avoid giving her a straight answer. Wondering if he even knew why himself.

He didn't answer right away, and Sara supplied a possibility. "Is it because you think we're supposed to?"

He gave short laugh and turned to her. "You know I don't think like that."

Sara thought about how absurd it was for anyone to know what Gil Grissom was thinking at any given moment. Finding the thought exceptionally relevant, she said flatly, "I rarely know what you're thinking."

He chuckled and shifted so that his head was propped on his right hand. He looked down on her adoringly and she pulled her eyes from the moon to look at his face.

"Why don't you want to get married?" he asked her, still smiling.

"No, no, no. You can't answer my question with a question. That's not fair."

He opened his mouth to respond and Sara stared at him, eyebrows raised in question. He paused and lay back down on the blanket.

"Well?" she urged him.

"I… I don't know."

"Hmm," Sara responded with a laugh. "I thought so."

"No, listen--"

"I'm listening," Sara interrupted. "Seriously, go ahead."

He paused for a moment and exhaled. He wasn't sure how to answer. It had to be convincing. It had to make sense so that she would know he was sincere. He agreed that it wasn't necessary, but he still wanted it. If he could perhaps put it into words, then maybe Sara would at least consider it. Maybe she would want it too.

"I never imagined myself married," Grissom started. "But then you came along and I don't know, I just…"

His tone was so soft and sincere. He sounded so vulnerable. Sara smiled at him and thought seriously about crying.

"You just, what?"

"I know we don't need it. But I want it. It's not about a house in both of our names or a joint checking account. Or last names or a ring. It certainly isn't about a wedding. And it has nothing to do with tradition." He was rambling; he knew it. But listing what it wasn't about seemed easier than the one thing it was.

Sara swallowed and bit her lip. She wanted so badly to ask him what exactly it was about, but she didn't dare interrupt him while he was opening up.

He pulled himself up to look at her again. She was smiling at him, still biting her lip and she was the most adorable thing he had ever seen. He ran his fingers down the side of her face and bent down to give her a gentle kiss on the cheek. He kissed his way to her lips. His tongue slid over her bottom lip before she opened her mouth and they kissed slowly and lovingly until Grissom pulled back.

Mere centimeters from her face, he whispered, "You know what it's about?" She shook her head, still slightly dizzy from the kiss. "It's about permanence."

A grin formed on his face as he leaned back down on the blanket. Yes, permanence, he thought. Sara grinned too and lifted herself to lie on his chest.

Sara cleared her throat and said, "You know, marriage isn't really permanent."

"It is to me," he whispered against her hair.

Finally, Sara said in a low voice as if not to disturb the moment, "You're in rare form tonight."

Grissom shrugged. "Must be the moon."

To his credit, he didn't try to deny that he was rarely this open with his feelings or even his intentions.

"I should probably milk it for all it's worth, huh?" she said with a laugh and Grissom couldn't help smiling at how she accepting she was of him.

"Oh, no," he said playfully in a worried tone.

She chuckled against his chest and lifted her head to look at him. He was smiling so that his cheeks were round and slightly rosy. Sara gave him a quick kiss and pulled back.

"Don't worry. I'm not really in the mood for twenty questions tonight." She put her head back on his chest and added, "Unlike you."

He pursed his lips and waited a moment before saying, "That brings us back to my first question."

"Of course," she said in a monotonous voice, and then picked her head up to smirk at him so he knew she was only teasing him.

"Well?" he said, his face completely serious.

"Grissom…"

"Sara…" he mocked, swallowing and licking his lips nervously.

Grissom was excellent at hiding his nervousness, but she had learned to see right through it. Simple things he would do would give him away. The way he licked his lips or swallowed. The way he would steeple his hands together or look down at the ground. Even if he only did these things briefly, Sara had become an expert at catching them. She decided to cut him a break. He was serious and although his answer was a tad vague, she understood. It really wasn't that she didn't want to marry him and if he wanted to then…well… she wanted to also. He never stopped surprising her that was for sure.

She cocked her head to the side and ran her hand up his chest, smoothing the fabric. Letting out a sigh, she said, "Tell you what. When you ask me… I won't say no." She raised an eyebrow and dipped her head. "Okay?"

Such an answer was slightly disconcerting for Grissom. It truly was rare that he put his feelings out there. It just wasn't something he was accustomed to. However, sometimes with Sara, he couldn't help it. His guard came down whether he wanted it to or not. Whether he realized it or not. This was certainly one of those times and he almost regretted asking her anything at all. All it was doing was making him question if she really meant to spend the rest of her life with him.

He nodded at her and the corners of his mouth turned down slightly. "I want you to want to say yes, otherwise there is no point in asking."

Sara regretted giving him reason to doubt that she ever wanted to be married to him. She suddenly realized that even if there was no point in it, that wasn't a good enough reason to deny Grissom marriage to her. He had her permanently, marriage or no marriage. But he wanted marriage. Everyone did things they wanted to do whether they needed to do them or not. It was human. Why should this be any different? Whether she wanted to be married was actually irrelevant. He wanted it and she wanted him, that's all that really mattered. She started to feel like none of it made much sense.

She was beginning to confuse herself so she decided to stop thinking so much about it. As long as their hearts were in the right place, perhaps it didn't need to make perfect sense. She sat up and crossed her legs. His eyebrows rose and he propped himself up on his hand to level with her. Her hands rested in her lap and she looked at him sincerely.

"I want to say yes. I promise. I want nothing more than permanence with you. I just want you to understand that you have me forever, whether we're married or not."

She gave him a reassuring smile and lay back down on the blanket beside him. She closed her eyes and reopened them, fully aware that Grissom was still staring at the spot in which she had been sitting.

"Okay," he finally said in a hushed voice and Sara turned to look at him as he lay back down on the blanket.

His eyes were closed as his thoughts drifted back to gravity and the effect individuals had on one another. She smiled, turning back to the night sky, thinking deeply about permanence.