Gone

By Inzane

Disclaimer: In the end, I still do not own Dark Angel.

Summary: How much abuse can a guy take before he snaps? Events in Hello, Goodbye take a different turn. AU from that point.

A/N: Forgive the delay, but, you know, real life and such...

To those of you who have been with me since the beginning in June of 2007 (can you believe it was that long ago?), and to those of you who have joined along the way, I would like to express my deepest gratitude for all of the support and constructive criticism that you have sent my way. If this story is good, it is because you all helped me make it that way.

And now, we've finally reached the end of the road. I hope you enjoyed the journey.

Chapter 23: Whole Again

"Boo, you best finish girlin' up quick, or Original Cindy is leavin' yo' ass behind!"

Max paused in putting on her mascara and turned her head toward the sound of the annoyed voice that had come from the living room. Cindy had been looking forward to checking out the new club over on Pike all week, and she apparently was in no mood to wait.

"Keep your panties on!" Max yelled. "I'll be done in five!"

"You better be," Cindy's voice growled from the other room. Her friend fell silent, so Max finished applying her mascara. She was just screwing the cap back on when she heard Cindy call out, "And who said I'm wearin' panties?"

Max burst out laughing--true, heartfelt laughter that lit up her face. "I so did not need to know that, Cin!" she laughingly called out through the open door, and got back to applying the rest of her makeup.

A few minutes later, she was done. She shoved her tube of lipstick into her pocket, then straightened and took a look at the reflection in the mirror.

She liked what she saw.

It had been three months since she and Logan had called it quits. Her hair was shorter, falling to just below her collarbone. She'd had it layered a bit, and her dark locks now fell about her in soft curls. The makeup accentuated her dark eyes and superior bone structure. And, she had to admit, she was looking extremely fine in her black, curve-hugging leather vest, very short denim skirt, and heels that could be considered a lethal weapon in twelve states.

But most of all, she liked what she saw in her face. In her eyes. The haunted look that had stared back at her from the mirror for what seemed like forever was gone. When she looked into her own eyes, she wasn't reminded of the misery she had endured. She wasn't half a person--she was whole. The person in the mirror was everything that she'd stubbornly refused to realize she'd been missing for so long.

Strong. Independent. Complete.

"Shugga, you keep starin' at yo'self like that, a sista's gon' b'lieve you switched to the all-girl team."

Max's head whipped around to find Cindy, also dressed up and looking very fine, standing in the open doorway, leaning against the frame with her arms crossed over her chest. Max smiled, grateful that it no longer felt like a lie.

"'Fraid the all-girl team will have to be disappointed. Max Guevara is lookin' for a little action of the male persuasion tonight."

OC shook her head, as if Max was a recalcitrant student that just didn't get the point. "Don' know how you can stand it. Having to deal wit' all that sweat and testosterone and bulging muscles? Ugh."

Max's smile turned a little wicked, and her eyes had a dreamy look. "Mmmm... yeah."

Cindy's eyes narrowed. "You not going into heat, are you?"

Max answered with a laugh and started toward the door, which made Original Cindy even more suspicious. OC barred the exit with her arm and gave Max a pointed glare. "'Cause if I have to drag you into a cold shower, girlfriend, I will."

"Not heat. Just horny."

The suspicion faded from Original Cindy's eyes, replaced by a slow smile. She lowered her arm. "Guess we better get goin', then."

She would let Max have her fun; she'd just have to keep an eye on her. After all, aside from some casual flirting since she'd broken up with Logan, Max hadn't played the field in quite some time.

The two girls headed down the stairs, planning to meet up with Cece, Sketchy, Flynn, and Ari. As they stepped outside into the night air, Cindy gave Max a sideways look and said, "No gettin' freaky wit' anyone 'til you get his name."

"Please," Max scoffed. As if she wouldn't get his name first.

"And find out if he got his own place. Don't want no mama's boys."

"Right," Max replied, nodding. Definitely a valid point.

There was a long pause, then Original Cindy added. "And gone out, like, at least three times."

Max rolled her eyes. "Yes, Mom."

Life went on, and it was good.

Max felt like herself again. She went out and had fun. Lots and lots of fun. She was young and full of transgenic energy, and she was determined to live life to the fullest for as long as she could. Who knew when the government or Familiars or just plain ignorant people would step up their campaign against transgenics? Better to live every moment like it could be your last.

So that was exactly what Max did.

It was incredibly liberating. She'd done more in the past couple of months than she had in the past two or three years. She'd even tried casual sex of the non-heat-induced variety a time or two. There were no strings, no pressure--just two people enjoying each other's bodies. When it was over, she wasthe one to say I'll call you and not really mean it. At this stage of her life, she was okay with that. She wasn't looking for a relationship. If one found her, she wouldn't run the other way, but she didn't need one.

She couldn't be with another transgenic, though. That was one line she could not make herself cross.

After they broke up, Max and Logan avoided each other for a while, though for different reasons. Max didn't think she could deal with the guilt; Logan didn't think he could deal with the pain.

At first, anytime Max got a package to deliver in Logan's part of town, she would trade up with someone working a different sector. Initially, Logan avoided Crash, or any other place he thought he might run into Max. But after a while, they both found that time really does heal.

The first time they bumped into each other, it had been… well, awkward was putting it lightly. Max had stopped at a random deli to snag a sandwich between runs, and Logan had been there waiting to meet Asha about some S1W deal. There had been a brief attempt at conversation--which mainly amounted to fragmented sentences and uncomfortable silences--before Max had bugged out of there with the excuse that she had a couple of runs to finish.

She never even got her sandwich.

Although it had been a painful meeting and uncomfortable on both sides, it somehow broke the ice that had formed between them. A week later--and after changing her mind four times--Max called Logan to ask for his help with some special computer stuff Dix wanted for TC. A week after that, Logan called her and hesitantly asked her to help with an important Eyes Only mission. It continued, until eventually things weren't so awkward anymore, and they could at least be friendly, if not really friends.

Max found herself stopping by Logan's place a couple of times a month now that their quid pro quo relationship had resumed. It seemed that Asha was there a lot. She could tell from the way Logan acted that nothing was currently going on between the two of them, but she could also tell from the way Asha acted that the woman wished that something was going on.

Max hoped that something would come of it, for Logan's sake. He was a good man. He deserved to be happy.

Two years.

Two years to the day since Alec walked out of her life.

Max sat on top of the Space Needle with her arms wrapped around her legs and watched the sun set. She'd done it so many times before. This time, though, she wasn't brooding--there was no frown on her face, no slump to her posture. It was more like simple introspection... taking a look back at her life to see how far she had come.

Lately, she hadn't come to the Space Needle for heavy thinking. She hadn't really felt the need for heavy thinking. Lately, she came more for the view and the sense of freedom she felt while standing so high above the teeming life of the city than for anything else. But today... today was different. Today, she wanted to think.

Love really did kind of suck.

She had been a mess for so long. A mess because she had fallen in love with a wonderful, beautiful, deeply damaged man who could not feel for her what she felt for him. She'd almost let it destroy her.

If given a choice, would she have done it all over again?

She honestly didn't know. And what did it matter, anyway, because she didn't have that choice. No point in playing woulda, coulda, shoulda.

Love had destroyed her relationship with Logan--as friends and as lovers. Destroyed it because she could not feel for him what he felt for her. As much as she wished it were not the case, their friendship would never be the same.

Maybe love was worth it; maybe it wasn't. She hadn't really come to a decision on that one yet. It might take years before she could figure it out.

That was okay. She had plenty of time.

Max stood and took a deep breath, taking one last look at the horizon. The sun had almost set, transforming the sky into colors almost too vivid to be real. She sighed contentedly.

Life was good.

She turned to leave, then froze as she felt that life come to a screeching halt. Her breath caught in her throat, and she suddenly found that she was unable to blink.

Two years. Two years to the fucking day, and there he was in front of her.

He stood there, just a few feet away, with his hands shoved in his pockets and his shoulders slightly hunched, as if he was expecting some form of punishment but thinking he probably deserved it. He radiated tension, and his eyes were averted, looking down and to the right.

He was so... she wanted to... Oh, God.

"Alec." The word came out in a choked whisper.

At the sound of his name, Alec's eyes--those wonderful, gold-flecked green eyes, and, Christ, how she'd missed them--flicked to hers. He bit his bottom lip for a moment, then took a deep breath and let it out.

The first word he said to her in two years was hesitant and barely above a whisper.

"Hey."

Two years. Alec hadn't talked to her in two years, and just the sound of her voice caused every damn thought to fly out of his head. It was like his brain was misfiring. All he could manage was a pathetic Hey.

She messed him up. It had been true then, and it was true now.

But still, he came back. Something about her called him back.

He'd tried to ignore the pull she had on him. He'd tried really hard. He tried to lose himself in another land, in another woman's arms, but it hadn't worked. He just kept thinking about her and thinking about her until it felt like he was gonna go crazy.

One day, he just stopped fighting it. He left everything behind but the clothes on his back and headed north.

There hadn't been any thought to where he was going. It was his heart guiding him, not his head, and he followed it, riding hard and fast on a stolen motorcycle, until he found himself on the outskirts of Seattle.

He just needed to see her again. That was all he wanted. If he could just see her again, see how she had moved on without him, that she was happy, then he could get over this obsession he had with her. Then he could go to sleep without dreaming about her every night.

He was cautious when he entered Seattle. It wasn't because he was a wanted man--well, wanted by the police, anyway. Max had told him back when they were in California that, with a little help from Logan, he'd been cleared of the murder charges. He was sure that the government would still love to get their hands on him, but he was used to that.

No, what he was worried about was running into another transgenic. He planned to stay far away from Terminal City. Max had told him how the toxic city's population had grown. Avoiding being spotted by one transgenic was possible. Avoiding an entire population of them was another matter. He wanted to face Max on his own terms, and to do that, he needed time.

Before he finally gathered the courage to confront her, he'd been watching her for days. At first, he had watched Logan's place, because that was where he truly expected her to be. They had the cure, after all. He'd given it to them.

He didn't see her there. What he did see left him blinking in confusion as he stared through Logan's window.

It wasn't Max with Logan. It was Asha. And it wasn't that he'd caught them in flagrante delicto; if that had been the case, he would've assumed that Logan was cheating on Max. But it wasn't; it was simpler than that. It was the hesitant brush of hands, the shared looks, the utter awareness that two people in the first flush of a budding relationship had for each other.

But... that couldn't be. Max was with Logan. Max loved Logan.

His mind was reeling. If Max wasn't with Logan... every assumption he'd made about his life, about his need to come to Seattle, his need to get her out of his system, was suddenly thrown into disarray.

For the first time in a long time, he was scared.

The next day, he found her at Jam Pony. He'd concealed himself across the street and waited for hours to catch a glimpse of her. When he finally did, he felt his heart skip a beat.

He'd forgotten how beautiful she was. His dreams didn't do her justice.

She walked out of Jam Pony with Original Cindy, Sketchy, and a blonde guy with shaggy hair that fell into his eyes, a guy that Alec thought looked vaguely familiar, but he couldn't take his eyes from Max long enough to figure it out. The guy was saying something to Max, which Max responded to by sending a swat at the guy's head and laughing. Alec felt a stab of something that he didn't admit was jealousy, then a girl he didn't recognize came out and dragged the guy away, in such a familiar manner that clearly indicated the pair were a couple. He felt his jealousy--shut up, he was not jealous--ease as the guy disappeared.

Then, all he could see what Max.

She'd cut her hair. It was still that dark, glossy color, but it was shorter now, and kind of wavy. He wasn't sure how he felt about that. He remembered her hair the way it used to be--the long, silken strands that ran down her back. He remembered how it felt to run hands through it, when they had... when they'd almost...

He closed his eyes for a moment. Better not to think of that.

It was silly, but a part of him had expected her to be exactly the same as he remembered her. But it had been two years. People change. He had, and so had she.

She looked happy, and that was the biggest change of all. The last time he'd seen her, she'd been drowning in misery. Misery that he had caused.

There was no hint of that now. Her eyes were bright, and her smile was so brilliant it could rival the sun. It made something inside of him ache, but he couldn't look away.

For the next two days, he watched her. He watched her deliver packages, visit Terminal City, go home to her apartment with Cindy. He watched her hang out at Crash and casually flirt with a couple of guys.

Max had moved on with her life. She had a life. Alec wished he could say the same.

He thought about not seeing her. He could just disappear, move on to some other place, and she would be none the wiser. She was happy today, and she would be happy tomorrow when he was gone.

But he couldn't do it. He needed closure--at least, that was what he told himself. It was time to close the book on this portion of his life.

Maybe then he would stop thinking about her.

It was another day before he made up his mind to do it. He'd followed Max all day. She seemed a bit more somber that day. She occasionally got this faraway look in her eyes, one that made him wish he could do something about it, but he kept his distance.

He watched as she grabbed a quick bite from a street vendor. He happened to be down the street at the time, next to a newspaper stand, and that was when he noticed it. There, in tiny black letters on the newspaper.

The date.

Two years. It was two years to the day.

It made his heart pound. Two years exactly. It had to mean something.

He followed her as she headed across town, the level of anxiety in him approaching epic proportions. After a few blocks, he realized where she was headed.

The Space Needle.

He chewed on the side of his thumbnail as he watched her enter the abandoned tourist attraction. His heart threatened to mutiny and pound right out of his chest. He pictured her climbing the many stairs, pictured her climbing up on top, pictured the wind flowing through her shorter, wavier hair.

A half an hour later, and he still found himself rooted in one spot.

Enough. He could do this. Whether he liked it or not, he was still a soldier, and a soldier didn't back down when things got tough.

He forced himself to quit biting thumbnail, which was now quite ragged. He lowered his arm and squared his shoulders.

Come on, Alec. Now or never.

He'd made it all the way up the Space Needle without hesitating once. As he neared the top, he went into full-on stealth mode so Max wouldn't hear him. That was one thing that he'd always been really good at back at Manticore--sneaking up on another transgenic without them sensing him.

Once he went up top, he found himself frozen in place once more. She was sitting with her back to him, staring out at the horizon. His training hadn't failed him, because she made no sign that she was aware of his presence.

He'd been watching her for days, but he hadn't been this close to her since he'd left her in that alley in California. The proximity caused a small riot in his brain, and that was what froze him in place. He had so many conflicting emotions all at once; he could barely make sense of half of them.

On top of all of that, he was afraid how she would react to seeing him again. They hadn't exactly parted under the best of circumstances.

Max suddenly stood, and he realized he wasn't ready to face her. But then he had no more time, because she was turning, eyes widening as she whispered his name, and the only stupid thing he could think of to say was Hey.

Max's mouth fell slightly open, and she blinked slowly several times. Her brain was trying to figure out if the man in front of her was a figment of her imagination, one that would disappear the next time she closed her eyes.

But he didn't disappear. Alec wasn't a dream; he was real.

She felt a tremor begin in her hands, and clenched them into tight fists to keep him from seeing.

Alec swallowed hard as Max just stared at him. He had no idea what to say to her. He had no idea where he stood with her.

Or, for that matter, where he wanted to stand.

She wasn't with Logan anymore, and that had certainly thrown a monkey wrench into his big plan to get her out of his system, but could she possibly still have feelings for him? After all this time, and after what he had done? He seriously doubted it. It had been two years, for fuck's sake. No way her feelings had run that deep. And besides, you couldn't really trust feelings that developed out of a crisis situation. Those kinds of feelings always seemed overwhelming at the time, but they quickly faded once normalcy returned.

She couldn't still care about him; his mind insisted on this fact. Because if she still cared about him, that made his guilt over the way he had left much, much worse.

After the initial shocked whisper of his name, Max hadn't said a word, and the silence was reaching uncomfortable levels. Alec later figured the silence must've caused him temporary insanity, because he once again spoke without thinking.

"I… uh… was in the neighborhood…" he began, a hint of a smirk on his face, but he immediately trailed off when he saw Max's face change from shock to an I-can't-believe-you-fuckin'-said-that look. Okay, that was stupid, he mentally chastised himself.

He cleared his throat and tried to ignore the overwhelming tension between them. He figured he would keep it light--pretend like it hadn't been two years since he'd seen her face. No pressure.

Right.

"Just... heading to Canada. Figured I'd try north of the border for a while," he continued, his voice strained at first but then soon falling into the smooth, lively pattern he'd had before he left Seattle. "Thought I'd stop by, you know, visit the old haunts, see a few friends…"

Which was complete bullshit, of course. He hadn't really been planning on going to Canada. He hadn't had a plan at all, actually. He just knew that he needed to see Max, just one more time, if only for some closure.

Max blinked and a little line appeared between her brows, like his words weren't registering. Alec took a step toward her, and her saw her entire body jerk as if he'd startled her. He took a small step back and held his hands out in the universal no-harm gesture.

"I'm sorry. I didn't mean to... oh, hell. I didn't really wanna do this this way." He ran a hand through his hair, frustrated and nervous and angry with himself, all at once. "I don't really know how to do this. I... I just… um… I wanted to let you know that I'm all right."

He saw a hint of disbelief in her face at his words, and, looking back, he realized he probably shouldn't have said it that way. Every other time he'd said those words, he hadn't meant it. He took a took a step closer to her, and this time, she didn't flinch. It gave him the courage to continue. "I am all right. Really. No one in here but me," he said, smiling a little and tapping a finger to his temple.

Max still didn't say anything. Her only response was to bow her head and nod lightly. Alec wasn't sure how to handle it. Even when she'd been upset, as she had been the last time he'd seen her, she'd never been at a loss for words.

"So…" he continued hesitantly, a hint of the confusion he felt slipping into his voice, "I just wanted to thank you. For coming after me. For being there for me. I don't think I could've gotten through it without you."

Dammit, he wished that she'd look at him. How the hell could he figure out what she was thinking if she wouldn't even look at him, much less talk to him? Was she even listening? Shit. This was not going well at all.

He paused and took another step toward her, closing the distance between them. He tilted his head and leaned to the side a little to try to catch a glimpse of her face.

"Max?"

She heard him. She heard every word. The problem was, she was cycling so fast through shock, joy, disbelief, anger, and desperate hope, that she couldn't choose a reaction.

But then she heard that word. That one word that cut through everything to the very heart of her, reminding her of everything she had overcome in the past two years.

It was her name. He'd said her name.

Max raised her head enough to look at him from under her brows. Her eyes narrowed.

Said her name like he had the fuckin' right.

Her fist flew, catching him right on the cheekbone and sending his head snapping back.

Alec stumbled back a few steps, shock tinged with anger evident on his face. He wasn't sure what he had expected from her, but this definitely was not it.

"Ow!" he griped, reaching up gingerly to touch his cheekbone, which was now throbbing with in time with his pulse.

Max stood, breathing hard, with her hands in fists at her sides. She was freaking out--seriously freaking the fuck out. She'd thought she was over it, over him. It had taken what felt like forever, but she finally felt like she was able to stand on her own again. And then he shows up, and suddenly her entire world was turned upside down.

She felt all the old feelings threatening to resurface, and she knew she couldn't allow that. She couldn't handle losing him. Not again. Never again.

"You sonofabitch," she hissed, taking a menacing step toward him. "I finally get on with my life, and you think you can just walk back into it like nothing ever happened?"

Alec frowned. No, you're supposed to be in love with Logan. I'm supposed to get you outta my system, get you the fuck out so I can stop thinking about you every night and seeing your face every time I close my eyes. That's what I was thinking. "Look, Max, I wasn't gonna..."

"Weren't gonna what?" Max interrupted. "Pop into my life long enough to fuck it up and then leave me high and dry, like last time?"

"Come on, now, that's not fair. I had to leave."

"Yeah. Just like you had to listen to Manticore when they told you to let me almost kill Logan with the fuckin' virus."

Alec could feel the anger rising in him. He hadn't come here for a fight. Why did it always turn into a fight between them?

"Hey, I got you the cure for the fuckin' virus. I made amends."

"Oh, yeah, and thank you soooo much for that. I really appreciated you forcing my hand."

Alec jabbed a finger at her angrily. "You know, since practically the day I met you, you were holding that virus thing over my head. I'm able to finally even the score on that one, and you're gonna hold it against me?"

Max's response was to fold her arms over her chest and glare at him, chin raised in defiance. That look made his blood boil just a bit hotter.

"And you can just get off you high horse right now, sweetheart, 'cause it's not like you been fuckin' perfect when it comes to dealin' with me. You forget why I ended up in LA in the first place?" That was a low blow, but the words had come out of his mouth before he could stop them. She'd always had that affect on him.

His words had quite an affect on Max. It was like everything shut down all at once, and her face became a mask. "That's not fair," she said quietly.

"If life were fair, we would've never been born. We would've been a crazy idea that would've been scrapped because it was so very wrong to build a human like you'd build a goddamn tank. Our lives have never been fair."

Max looked away. She remembered Joshua's words to her, that day in his studio. "Doesn't mean we shouldn't want 'em to be," she responded quietly.

Want, Alec thought. That was what this was all about. Want. What did he want from her? What did she want?

His eyes narrowed. And speaking of want...

"And why the hell aren't you with Logan, anyway? You always said that the only thing standing in your way was the virus. I don't get it." Don't get it 'cause I don't wanna get it, don't wanna understand, 'cause anything else is just too fuckin' much, makes me want things I shouldn't have. "I thought you wanted to be with Logan?"

"I wanted to be with you!" Max cried out as she whipped her head around, hair flying.

Alec's head drew back and his jaw snapped shut with an audible click. All of his denials were useless now.

"I wanted to be with you," Max continued, her words holding the strong bite of bitter anger, "and you left me. You left me without a backward fuckin' glance."

Alec blinked several times, trying to keep up while his brain shifted gears. "I didn't really think ... "

Max flipped her hair over her shoulder and stuck her hands on her hips. "Obviously. But don't worry. I'm over it. Over you. And you know what? I'm fine! I am fanfuckingtastic! I'm livin' large and lovin' every minute of it. I don't need you."

And, oh, how those last four words hurt. Hurt both of them--Alec because he knew they were true and Max because she knew they were a lie.

They stared at each other for a moment, with nothing but the wind between them.

Max memorized every detail of his face. His mesmerizing hazel-green eyes, framed by thick eyelashes many women would kill for. The light smattering of freckles across his nose that he always pretended he didn't have. Those soft, full lips that had once given her so much pleasure.

She knew she would never see his face again.

It was too much.

Max turned away, sucking in gasping breaths as she tried to keep the tears at bay. She wrapped her arms tightly around herself, trying to stop the ache inside of her.

Alec had seen the tears welling in her eyes before she had turned away from him, and it made his throat tighten. He took a step toward her, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

"Max?"

As soon as his hand brushed her shoulder, she flinched, and he yanked his hand back away as if he'd been burned.

"Do you have any idea how much you hurt me?" Max's voice, so full of anguish, seemed to surround him like the swirling wind.

Alec hung his head. He'd been a fool. He'd never really believed that she could possibly feel that much for him, and in doing so, he had hurt her, deeply.

"I didn't mean to," Alec said quietly to her back.

Max sniffed, then angrily wiped at her eyes, still refusing to turn and look at him. "So that's supposed to make it all better? 'Cause you didn't mean it?" Her words were an amalgam of anger and heartbreak.

A pained smile flitted across Alec's face. "I guess not."

He thought of all of the things they had done to each other since they had met. The virus. The cruel words that had sent him off the deep end. His week of captivity, at her hands. Their fight on the roof. How he'd left. How he'd stayed gone.

Some things could not be forgiven.

He wasn't sure what else to say. There wasn't much left to say. It wasn't the closure he was looking for, but it looked like it was the best he was gonna get.

"Goodbye, Max," he said softly, and turned to walk out of her life once more.

She heard him turn to leave, heard his retreating footsteps, felt them reverberating through the metal under her feet.

He was leaving. Alec was leaving.

She felt the tension built inside her until it was screaming, urging her to take action, do something, don't let him walk away!

After everything that had happened, after all of the pain and heartache and loss, she still loved him. Loved him more than her pride. Loved him more than her own self-worth. More than anything.

Max turned, heart pounding in her chest, but he was gone.

Gone.

No. Not this time.

Max scrambled over the top of the Space Needle and practically threw herself at the window. She froze, standing in the broken window and tightly gripping the frame, as she spotted him. He was about to disappear down the stairwell.

"Alec!" she cried out, his name becoming a plea.

He stopped and turned, raising his eyebrows in question. "Yeah?"

Her chest was heaving, and she had to take several breaths before she could speak again. "Can't we start over?" she begged, her face full of desperate hope.

There was a long, horrible moment when he didn't say anything. It was only a couple of seconds, but it felt like an eternity to Max. He ducked his head, as if he was mulling it over. When he raised it again, the look in his eyes made her heart break all over again.

He gave a little shrug and said, "I don't know, Max. Can anyone?"

He smiled sadly at her, then turned and disappeared into the darkness.

Max stepped inside the window, then fell to her knees. She took deep, gulping breaths, trying to hold it in, to not break down. She wrapped her arms around herself and bent in half, taking fast, hitching breathes as she forced herself to hold in the sobs.

It was unfair. So unfair, and she didn't give a fuck if that was the way life was supposed to be.

She'd been happy. She'd been able to stand on her own again. The hole inside her had finally closed up, but it had just been thin scar tissue over a gaping wound. Seeing him again had torn that wound open and it was once again bleeding freely.

Love fucking sucked.

After Alec left Max on the Space Needle, he felt like he'd been cut adrift. He had no idea what to do, no idea where to go. He was in complete, emotional turmoil. He wandered around for a while until he found himself standing on the sidewalk in front of Joshua's old house, without any idea of how he'd gotten there.

He shoved his hands deep into his pockets as he stared at the house. It was dark. Empty. Alec could tell that without even walking inside. Joshua must've packed up and left a long time ago. It had been two years, after all. It was stupid to expect that things would be the same.

Stupid. Yeah. That sounded about right.

He needed to find Joshua. He had a sudden, desperate urge to talk to the big transhuman. Alec didn't know what it was, but there was something about Joshua that seemed to make everything fall into the right perspective, made everything clearer, somehow. Right now, he could use a little clarity.

He went to Terminal City, the logical place to look for a transgenic. He kept a low profile, but made sure to lower the collar of his jacket to reveal his barcode, just in case. Better to advertise your loyalties than get shot.

Once he was inside the border, he was challenged by a pair of those creepy X7 kids, carrying P90s. He identified himself, showed them his barcode, and that seemed to satisfy them. He asked them about Joshua, then rolled his eyes when he remembered these kids couldn't talk. But the X7s had been there for quite some time, and they knew how to communicate. The one kid used military hand signals to indicate that Alec should go down two blocks to the building on the left, top floor. Alec nodded his thanks, then headed off to find comfort in the form of a six foot six dog man.

When Alec found him, he felt a small sense of relief that not everything had changed. Joshua was painting.

Alec stood a couple of steps inside the doorway of Joshua's studio, smiling a little as he watched his old--and hopefully, still--friend flick paint at a large canvas. Joshua was so absorbed, and must've felt so safe here in TC, that he hadn't heard Alec coming.

"Hey, Big Guy," Alec said, and waited for Joshua's response.

The transhuman turned faster than seemed possible for such a large body. When Joshua caught sight of his intruder, his eyes widened, and the paintbrush he had been holding fell with a splat to the floor.

Joshua closed the distance between them in three large steps, then grabbed Alec up in a big, bone-crushing hug, lifting the X5 off the ground.

Alec would've laughed if his squished lungs had allowed it. He hugged Joshua back, but when he realized the transhuman wasn't letting go, he managed to squeak out, "Need to breathe, there, buddy."

Joshua huffed happily and set Alec down, jarring the smaller man a bit. The transhuman's smile was a mile wide as he looked down at his long-lost friend. Alec returned Josh's smile with one of his own.

"Missed Alec," Joshua said, putting his hands on Alec's shoulders and giving him an affectionate squeeze.

"I missed you too, Josh. Been a long time"

Joshua nodded. "Long time." Then his eyes changed, delight fading as he seemed to remember why it had been such a long time. The look became assessing as he took in his friend's appearance. "Alec better?"

Alec's smile faded a bit. "Yeah. I'm good."

But he wasn't. Joshua could see that he was not. Alec was the opposite of good. But it was not like before. When he looked into Alec's eyes, he saw Alec, not an empty shell. Something else was wrong.

"Alec see Max yet?" he asked, suspecting the source of Alec's problem.

Joshua watched the transformation of Alec's face. It was like someone flipped a switch and, boom, all emotions were locked down tight. "Yeah, we… talked."

"Ah." Joshua thought he detected a shiner forming under Alec's one eye. So that's why he was a mess. "Going to stay?" he added hopefully.

Alec looked away, then turned back. He started to say something, but then hesitated and had to look away again. "I don't know, Joshua," he said after a minute. He took a couple of steps toward the bank of windows, then heaved a sigh. "It's complicated."

"Only complicated if Alec make it complicated."

Alec gave a half-hearted laugh. "Story of my life, man."

The X5 cleared his throat to cover his discomfort, then proceeded to change the subject. "Nice digs," he said with approval, walking around to look at the place. "I was a little worried about you when I found your old place empty." Alec paused, fiddling with some of Joshua's art supplies so he would have an excuse not to look Joshua in the eye. "Been here long?"

"A while," Joshua said, completely aware of what Alec was doing.

Alec was stubborn, just like Max. If you tried to force him into something, he'd fight you tooth and nail, just like Max. But, like Max, if you made him aware of his options, he would eventually make the right choice. At least, Joshua hoped he would make the right choice.

"Lots of people in Terminal City who accept Joshua for Joshua," the transhuman continued, and his words caused Alec to fall silent. "Here, Joshua is happy. Lots of us happy here."

Alec's head raised at this, turning to look toward his friend. "Even though you're all stuck here?"

Joshua gave Alec a pointed look. "Rather be stuck together than alone."

Alec fell silent again as he thought about this. The silence continued for a half a minute, until Alec seemed to suddenly gather himself and he straightened. He crossed over to Joshua and clapped a hand on transhuman's shoulder to say goodbye. Maybe for good.

Joshua understood this; he could see it in Alec's eyes. As the X5 turned to leave, Joshua called out to stop him.

"Alec…"

Alec turned, just like he had for Max, and replied with the same, "Yeah?" though this time, it was Alec's voice that was strained.

"Don't make snap decision. Think about it a while."

They fell silent, both still as statues as they contemplated the future ahead. Alec opened his mouth to say something, then changed his mind. He gave Joshua a nod of acknowledgment, then turned and walked out the door.

He was almost out of TC when he heard a voice--familiar, yet not--calling his name.

"Alec! Hey, Alec! Hold up!"

Alec turned and saw a blonde guy jogging toward him. It was the same vaguely familiar guy he'd seen Max with at Jam Pony. If the guy was in TC, he must be a transgenic, which explained why he looked kind of familiar.

Alec had a bzuh-type moment as he tried to bring up the memories that went with the face. The hair and street clothes were throwing him off, but then the guy gave him a hesitant smile, and those dimples caused it to click.

"I know you."

"Same goes," Flynn replied, both hesitance and discomfort in his voice.

They both fell silent for a bit, mired in memories of days better forgotten. Alec broke the spell, clearing his throat before he asked, "What're they calling you these days?"

"Flynn."

Alec's lips twisted in a smirk. "Pick that yourself?"

Flynn frowned, not sure if the question was a dig. "Yeah." He hesitated again, unable to figure out how to begin. He had always been more than a little intimidated by 494--Alec. Part of it was physical, as Alec had always been better at hand to hand. But it was more Alec's presence that intimidated him. Even back at Manticore, Alec had this way about him that made people want to like him, made people want to do what he wanted. Flynn had always suspected the guy might have a little touch of telecoersion ability in him.

Alec waited, but when Flynn didn't say anything, he got impatient. "Well, I gotta get going." He smacked Flynn on the arm. "It's been real."

Flynn watched the man he knew Max was in love with turn and walk away. He took a deep breath and gathered his courage, then followed him. "No, wait a minute. I want to talk to you."

Alec didn't stop walking, didn't turn. "'Bout what?" he said jovially. "The old days? 'Cause if it's all the same to you, I'd rather not."

"No, not that." Deep breath. "About Max."

That made him stop.

Alec felt that quick stab of jealousy that he had felt before, and this time, he didn't bother denying it. He turned and faced Flynn, leveling a cold stare at the other transgenic. "What's Max to you?" he asked, each word clearly enunciated and deadly serious.

Flynn swallowed hard. He would not let Alec intimidate him. He met Alec's stare, and held it. "A good friend. What's she to you?"

Alec paused a beat, and his stare hardened. He saw Flynn shift nervously, but the other X5 didn't back down.

Flynn cared about Max; Alec could see that in his eyes. Flynn wanted an answer to his question, but it was one for which Alec didn't really have an answer.

He'd been avoiding the answer to that question for a long time.

Ever since he came back to Seattle, everything he'd been feeling had been so damn intense. He felt like he was trying to navigate an emotional minefield. The problem was, he had been emotionally crippled for so long that he faced destruction with every step.

He couldn't answer that question. It was too dangerous.

Alec closed his eyes, breaking the visual standoff between them. Then he turned and walked away without another word.

Flynn blinked. Huh. That hadn't been the reaction he had been expecting--more like a fist to the face. He took off after Alec, calling out, "You know she loves you, right?"

Alec almost stumbled. He shook his head, then walked faster, causing Flynn to increase his speed to keep up.

"Max doesn't want me around," Alec said, his tone defensive.

Alec said the words, but he didn't believe them. In his mind, he saw her again, standing there, in the window of the Space Needle, asking if they could start over. Thinking about that made him feel all panicky. This whole damn trip down memory lane was making him panicky. He should've never come back to Seattle. It was seriously having a negative affect on his mental health.

"She doesn't want me around," he repeated, as if by mere repetition he could convince himself that it was true.

Flynn slowed to a stop. "You believe that," he said to Alec's back, and there was a hint of smugness in his tone, "you're dumber than I thought."

Alec whirled and took a few angry steps back towards Flynn. "You know, why don't you mind own business?"

"I can't. You haven't been here, but I have. I've seen how it's torn her up inside, man, tryin' to get over you. She made herself miserable staying with a man she didn't love 'cause she was trying to make herself get over you." Flynn closed the remaining distance between them and grabbed Alec's arm. "How can you just walk away from something like that?"

Alec's lowered his gaze, staring pointedly at hand holding him, then back up at Flynn.

"You can't beat me." The words were said calmly, as if he were remarking on the weather. He was simply stating a fact.

Flynn let go and shifted his weight to balls of feet and bent his knees a little, a casual fighting stance. "No, I can't," he said, but stood his ground.

Alec stared into Flynn's sincere eyes and knew he had a decision to make. He could either beat the X5 bloody--and thus avoid the emotional minefield altogether--or he could man up and deal with the shit.

Dammit.

Alec moved away from Flynn. He folded his arms overtop of the hood of an abandoned Chevy that had probably been sitting in the alley since before he was born. "I can't give her what she needs. It's been so long since I allowed myself to feel anything...you know? Like really feel. I just don't know if I'm capable of it anymore."

Flynn leaned against the car and looked at Alec's profile. He could see that Alec was torn up. It was as blatantly obvious that Alec felt something for Max. He could see that tortured, yearning look in his eyes--much like Max's eyes had been when she'd first come back to Seattle, any time someone mentioned Alec's name.

"You are dumber than I thought," Flynn muttered.

Alec frowned. He had been lost in thought and not really paying attention. "What?"

Flynn shook his head. "You know, I never took you for a guy who'd give up without trying."

"I'm not. It's just… so much has happened between us. It keeps getting in the way and..."

He trailed off, realizing that was just an excuse. He heaved a sigh and ran a hand through his hair, his usual nervous habit. "I don't want to screw her life up anymore than I already have. She deserves better than that." Alec ducked his head, almost embarrassed. "Than me," he added.

Finally, Flynn thought. A little honesty. Flynn smiled, dimples flashing as he clapped Alec companionably on the shoulder. "Don't you think you should leave that decision up to her?"

Two days had passed.

Max had spent those two days frantic with indecision. She had bitten every single one of her fingernails down to the quick, and she had paced until Original Cindy thought she would wear a hole in the floor. On the second day, Cindy reluctantly went off to work, at Max's insistence. They couldn't risk both of them getting fired.

After Cindy had left, the pacing and nail biting continued for another hour, until she had finally had enough. She forced herself to stop pacing and took several deep breaths, trying to purge the riot of thought and emotion, until she reached a point of clarity. It was then that she came to a decision.

She was gonna find him.

She spent the rest of the day packing her bag and waiting in line for gasoline for her Ninja. Then she placed a call to Original Cindy and told her friend to meet her at Crash. They were probably gonna need beer to have this discussion, and she figured it could double as a sort of going away party. Who knew when she'd be back again?

Once they sat at the bar with beer in hand, Max broke the news to Cindy. Her plan came out of her in a rush, as if she was afraid she would change her mind if she didn't get it out fast enough, or maybe afraid that her friend would object if Max let her get a word in edgewise. When she'd finished, Cindy gave her this look, one that said she wasn't sure if she was on board with the whole crazy scheme.

"Dunno 'bout this, Max. I mean, ain't you been down this road before? You really wanna go there again, after all the shit that happen?"

"I'm going, Cindy. I've made up my mind, and I'm not gonna back out now. I'm goin' up to Canada and hunt his ass down."

Cindy frowned. It wasn't that she didn't think that Max could do it; Max could do just about anything. But she'd lived with Max through the tough patch after she'd lost Alec the first time, and she didn't want to see her girl have to live through that all over again. "Whatchu gon' do when you find 'im, then? Drag'm back?" she asked.

"Gonna tell him how I really feel. No sorta, kinda saying it. I'm laying it on the line, straight out. He doesn't want me; he can't forgive me? Fine. I can deal with that. But I'm not gonna live the rest of my life wondering what if."

"But... Canada? It goddamn cold up there, girl." Don't go. This whole thing got me worried outta my mind. I can't stand to see you break down again.

"Go to the ends of the earth if I have to."

Cindy could see that Max was determined. If her girl wanted to take the risk, then who was she to say it wasn't worth it? "You gotta follow your heart, boo."

Max nodded, finishing off the beer in her glass and then smacking it back down on the bar. "Damn straight."

Original Cindy spotted him first.

She had let Max rant for a while, until it had gotten to the point where Max wasn't really looking for conversation but a sounding board. Cindy was still paying attention to what Max said, making the appropriate mmhmm noises when necessary, but her gaze began to wander. And that was when she spotted him.

Alec stood on the other side of the room, scanning the crowd. Max was still on a tear, so she was too distracted to notice him amidst the usual commotion of Crash. His eyes flicked from person to person until he suddenly froze; he'd found what he was looking for.

Alec's eyes met Original Cindy's, and there was a moment of silent communication between them. Cindy's eyes were defensive, telling Alec in no uncertain terms that he'd better not hurt Max again. Alec's eyes held a promise that he would try his damnedest not to. They also held an apology. Cindy could see that the memory of that intense moment in the van in California still haunted him.

Alec's lips quirked in a slight smile, and he raised his eyebrows in question: Am I forgiven?

Cindy gave him a hard stare, just long enough to make him sweat a bit. The boy needed reminding that Original Cindy meant business when it came to one Max Guevara. Then her gaze softened, and she gave him a slow smile: Forgiven.

As Alec started making his way over to them, Cindy took the opportunity to interrupt Max. "Hey, boo?"

"Hmmm?"

"Don't think you need to go looking for yo' boy."

Max's brows furrowed. "What? You're the one said I had to follow my heart! I can't believe your flippin' on me like this…"

Original Cindy didn't bother trying to explain. She just reached over and spun Max's stool around.

"The hell? What're you…" Max's protest died as her throat closed up when she saw that the man she had been planning to hunt down--her heart's desire--was right there in front of her.

Cindy leaned over and whispered in Max's ear. "Looks like your heart came to you, boo. Good luck." She gave Max a squeeze, then faded away into the crowd.

Max came to her feet, utterly speechless. Could this be happening? Could it really be happening? She'd had nothing but bad luck for so long, she found it hard to believe that something could go her way for once. At this point, she was almost more ready to believe that there might be a 495 than believe that Alec really stood in front of her.

As he closed the distance between them, and her heart began to pound.

She saw so much that she hadn't seen that night on the Space Needle. Then, she'd been so overwhelmed by the fact that he was there. Now, she noticed the little differences in him. His hair was longer, pushed back away from his face. It was a lot lighter now, with tons of light blonde highlights, and his skin held a deep golden tan; he must've been somewhere sunny. His barcode was concealed behind the collar of his jacket.

He carried himself a bit differently now--less cocky swagger, more confident stride. But that twinkle in his eyes, the twinkle that she'd once thought had been lost forever, was back.

Alec took one more step, bringing them so close that she had to tilt her head back to see his face. He looked down at her with this slightly puzzled look on his face that she didn't quite understand until he spoke.

"You know, this might totally sound like I'm feeding you a line, but…" his said, his voice slow and kind of wistful, "you remind me of a girl I once knew. Someone special."

He reached up and grabbed one of Max's loose curls, slowly running it through his fingers. Her heart just about stopped. "I don't think she was as pretty as you, though," Alec added, his voice going deep and sexy.

Max opened her mouth to say something, but nothing came out but a soft strangled noise. It made Alec smile, and he gave her lock of hair a little tug before releasing it. "I'm Alec," he said, smile widening until it leveled out at devastating. His eyes seemed to hold a challenge as he waited for her response.

"Max," she replied in a choked whisper.

"Max," Alec said, nodding. "I like it. Suits you, somehow."

He leaned on the bar and gave her an appraising look, raising an eyebrow at her. She felt like she would just collapse in a puddle at his feet. All the feelings rushing at her made her feel weak and boneless, but not in a bad way.

"I'd really like to get to know you better, Max. Maybe we could meet sometime, get a cup of coffee?"

Alec reached into his pocket and pulled out a slip of paper. He held it out to her, and Max could see that there was a phone number written on it.

Max's brain stuttered a bit, but then it caught up with the conversation. She finally realized what he was doing. He was giving her what she wanted. He was offering her a fresh start, a chance to start over, without the virus, Logan, or Manticore between them.

Max slowly reached forward and took the piece of paper from his hand. "Sure," she managed to get out, her voice cracking. She cleared her throat, then smiled. "I'd like that."

Alec smiled back at her, a pure and brilliant smile that had her blinking back tears. "See you around then..." he said in smooth, silken tones, and reached up with a finger to trace the line of her jaw in a caress that felt like fire on her skin, "... Max."

Her heart skipped a beat, and she was sure he heard it, because the smile turned into a smirk--that same smirk she knew so well, that had haunted her dreams ever since he'd been gone. He backed up a few steps, still smirking, then slowly turned and walked away.

As soon as he was gone, Original Cindy came back and started bombarding her with questions, but her voice faded into the background. Max was watching Alec's retreating back, overcome.

"See you," she whispered wistfully. The words were a promise.

Max rubbed her thumb over the slip of paper in her hand, its existence reassuring her that what had happened was real and not some wonderful daydream.

As she watched him walk away from her once more, she realized something was different. The hole inside her--the barely healed void that had existed in her since he'd been gone, the one that had been ripped wide open at his return--was suddenly filled.

She was complete without him, but with him, she was something more. They could be something more.

Max's fist closed convulsively around the piece of paper, holding it tight. She was not holding onto it, as much as she was holding on to him. She knew that, no matter what, she would never let him go again.

The End.

Inzane March 2008

A/N: There is no Disney ending for Max and Alec. No declarations of undying love, no passionate embraces, not even a goddamn kiss. I could not leave you with something that would destroy the harsh reality I worked so hard to create.

What I have left you with, dear reader, is hope. Hope that, this time, Max and Alec won't screw it up. Where they go from here, I leave up to your imagination. I like to think that they make it, because, hiding behind all the angst, I really am a romantic at heart.

Please review. I would love to know your final thoughts on this story.

A little postscript:

You know, when I started this fic, I never intended to write a friggin' novel. My original plot outline was for six chapters. Six. How I got twenty three in the end, I'll never know. But the fault is mine, I know, because I made Alec a little (okay, a lot) darker than I had originally intended. Then I broke both characters down so badly that I needed quite a few chapters to fix them back up.

I want to give my Supernatural story a shot before continuing in the Dark Angel realm. I think I've gathered enough courage to try to write for the boys. It's probably been done, but, hell, I'm gonna do it anyway.

For those of you who are fans of The Friggin' Cure, my first fic, I just wanted to let you know that I will be doing a sequel some time in the future. I already have the basic plot of the story. I just need to let that universe rest for a little while longer before I return to it.