Title: Freaky Friday

Authoress: Ladya C. Maxine

Rating: T

Summary: see chapter one

Warnings: see chapter one

Disclaimer: I do not own Kingdom Hearts or any of its characters. I am not making any money off of this and I write with the sole intent to entertain.

The mission had gone well.

He'd explored the world, gauged its resources, unlocked most of its secretes, gathered enough information to satisfy the Superior, and ripped apart enough people to fulfil his personal quota. After such a success, Saix was in a good mood as he walked up the floating causeway, the castle's front port looming over him. It was a welcoming sight, the glorious sight of the almost completed Kingdom Hearts hanging over the tranquil castle basking white under the dark—Hold on.

Saix stopped dead in his tracks.

The castle was tranquil?

None of the towers were damaged and/or missing. There were no obscene graffiti on the pristine walls. There were no glowing tendrils of spoke billowing up from shattered windows. There were no screams of promised deaths. There was no one trying to bomb him with water balloons. There were no random Pride Land animals running loose on the parapets, causing mayhem. There were no random Nobodies running loose and causing mayhem. Nothing random was running loose and causing mayhem.

Something was very wrong.

Either every single member was preoccupied with something of terrible importance, or they were all dead. While he wouldn't mind a thinning of the herd, there was no signs of a bloody battle, and he could still sense their presence through the thin link that bound them to their beings and cause.

The only time they all worked together, besides during missions, was when it was…

Saix growled loudly.

Impossible. Was it that time of the month already? He'd only just had to beat a majority of the Organization to near death not too long ago, only to be nearly crushed by V's massive body, much to the delight of VIII and XI, who still held a grudge against Saix since the garden incident.

Looking around, he ascertained that he was still alone, but they had to be up to some elaborate scheming if they haven't tried to tackle him yet. Well, usually it was the dumber ones who tried to take him head-on. Keeping a very sharp eye out for any movement, Saix walked on as he ran through the groups he knew had formed and what their tactics might be.

IV, in his eyes, was the ultimate evildoer, but again, his role came at the end of the shenanigans. Saix would deal with him when the time came.

A major hazard (to Saix's patience) would be VIII, along with his lackeys, IX and XIII. Fire, water and common sense, the latter being the much needed element in the first two's effectiveness. Still, XIII was a rookie and while his influence had helped fine-tuned VIII and IX's traps, he still had a long way to go before he learned what it took to take Saix off guard. If anything, it would be the castle that suffered the most damaged from their combined efforts.

XI and XII were joined at the hips so he was going to have to keep an eye out for flora and the weather. Ever since the incident in the gardens XI in particular had been very aggressive in subsequent capture attempts, and Saix was always more than happy to return the ferocity. XII, on the other hand, was a bit of a concern. The Nymph was faster than any of them and her damn electric attacks could get him from the other side of the castle.

V and VI were not to be taken lightly. VI was their craftiest schemer, and V was their strongest member. It was only a matter of if they would pull themselves away from their precious hobbies to join in. While he'd played a major role in incapacitating Saix last time, V's actions had been accidental; he'd been on his way to tend to his garden (which he cultivated for scientific reasons, unlike XI sickening love for leaves and twigs), when he'd stumbled down the stairs, landing right on Saix, who'd been skilfully dodging VIII's fireballs. And as long as he did not get caught in one of VI's tangled web of riddles, Saix could easily evade the shorter man.

Then came the three who would attempt to take him down on their own, and on their own they proved to be far more skilled in battle, instincts and brainpower combined.

III wasn't a better fighter than him, but the Lancer had the powerful element of wind on his side and had once almost succeeded in pinning Saix down with storm-force gales.

Definitely the most treacherous would be their second-in-command, who held that rank for a very good reason. Not only was II a master of stealth and stalking, he had the best aim of them all, and he could strike from anywhere: floor, walls, ceiling or even midair.

And while it could never be estimated where II would strike, it was tricky guessing when X would attack: past, present or future. Throw in the lasting burdens that were paper cuts and the relative newcomer was as devious as II and III.

Standing before the entrance, Saix grinned as he went over the possibilities once more.

They were a deadly force to be reckoned with, but he had a counter measure that wouldn't make him an easy target. Inevitably, they'd combine their forces to restrain him. However Saix had a strong defence: his willpower. He knew that in the end it was a lost cause to fight them, but getting the shots was almost worth watching everyone else limp around for days, scared of their own shadows.

"Gentlemen, and lady, so be it," he all but cackled evilly as the massive doors opened. "Let the game begin…"

Xemnas prodded the burnt out armour with a toe, watching it further disintegrate into a small pile of ashes. The stench of burned tapestry, wood and flesh had greeted him back warmly when he'd entered the castle and now, standing in the midst of the scorched battlefield, he decided that it could have been worse. He studied what remained for clues, curious to figure out what this first attempt had been.

He recognized Axel's handy work easily enough: everything was burnt. He also attributed the strewn remains of very sharp objects to the redhead's way of thinking. From the strange lines on the floor he finally determined that this disaster had been set off by Axel's favourite trick-wire ambush strategy.

The fire had destroyed much, and a great fight had destroyed everything that had managed to escape the fire, but he was impressed once he'd pieced together what Roxas' contribution had been: a strong steel net, weighed down by heavy cannonballs. It had been a logical step, but not a successful one. The 'invincible' net had been chewed through like string and some of the cannonballs had been hurled about with such force that they'd embedded themselves into the walls.

He was surprised to not find any puddles. Demyx, it seemed, had not worked together with the other two. Xemnas raised a brow at this and moved on to the next room.

It looked as if a botanical garden had exploded. Shredded plant life everywhere. A giant, eyeless head snapped weakly at his feet as he simply sidestepped it. All the windows had been shattered and every now and then a spark of electricity erupted from the steel, striking the still wriggling pieces of roots as they tried to crawl to the safety of the earth that had spilled out of the smashed flower pots.

Xemnas continued on the path of destruction, opening a door and quickly dodging the badly scratched giant die that rolled out. A badly shaken Gambler Nobody (which was saying something, considering the nature of the creatures) wobbled out past him as he walked through the otherwise untouched room. There was no permanent damage, but he was walking on a layer of discarded cards and dice of varying sizes.

A room further down was virtually untouched, if one didn't turn to the right where the entire wall had been blown clear off the rest of the building. Some of the columns had been knocked over like dominoes, those that still stood had the tell-tale scrapes and slashes of lances.

In the next room…

"Superior," Zexion greeted coolly, looking up from his book. Lexaeus was delicately slicing a pea pod open on a table nearby. "How was your trip to the Bastion?"

"Enlightening," Xemnas answered, not slowing down as he walked through. "We will discuss my findings during the meeting tomorrow."

"Fine."

Xemnas was hardly surprised and went on, in search of the rest. Along the way, which was an impressive distance, he found glowing purple bullet shards, dug deep into every solid enough surface. They came to an abrupt stop exactly where a fallen sniper gun lay before an expanse of wall that had a large X-shaped slash in it. Bits of black coat hung in tatters from the jagged edge.

So far the only living he'd encountered had been Zexion, Lexaeus and the remains of Marluxia's plants, but he was sure that the others were somewhere in the area.

Sure enough, as he neared the general vicinity of the kitchen, he heard the voices. Once at the door, he didn't enter immediately. He stared at the wood, listening in on the happenings on the other side. Though the damage had been done, the chaos still reigned.

"Hold him down! Hold him down!"

"Shit!"

"OW! That's it!"

"Larxene, restrain yourself—!"

ZAP

"Wha the hell! Stupid bitch!"

ZAP ZAP

"He's getting away!"

ZAP ZAP ZAP

"Will you give the shock therapy a rest?!"

Xemnas stood before the closed door, not as bemused as he supposed he ought to be. Too curious to wait any longer, he entered. It was hard at first to figure out the scene, but one thing became obvious in an instant: Saix wasn't there.

Larxene was fuming, glaring as Xaldin, who was caught in a corner, watching on warily as the electricity crackling over her fingers. Axel, his already shocking hair standing on ends, lay twitching on the floor, still suffering the aftershocks of Larxene's lightning attack. Roxas was kneeling next to the redhead, trying to determine if he was dead or not. Luxord and Marluxia were trying to reason with Larxene, from behind the safety of a heavy table. The only other person standing was Vexen, with a long suffering look on his face. Next to him was a table-turned-cot on which a heavily bandaged Xigbar was draped.

With the only exception of Vexen, every one of them had sustained a substantial amount of injuries: black eyes, cut lips, torn coats, twisted joints, broken bones, dark bruising, internal bleeding and chopped or ripped out hair.

"Sir," Vexen greeted Xemnas sourly as the tanned man joined him. "Did your mission go well?

"It did…" Xemnas couldn't hold it in any longer, the corners of his mouth twitching. "And how are things going here?"

"Larxene's nursing skills are nonexistent," Vexen concluded. "I put her in charge of bandaging Axel's wounds but when she grew frustrated with his fidgeting she decided to stun him into submission. So now I have two seriously injured patients to deal with."

The sound of their voices so close by stirred Xigbar.

"Man," he groaned, moving sluggishly. "Total wipe out…Did we get him…?"

"No," Vexen scowled. "He got away. I do not see why we have to suffer through this pain and humility, either. Xemnas," he spoke plainly to the man next to him, "just give him the order already! Some of us have far better things to do than chasing your favourite pet around the castle."

"Are you giving up already?" Xemnas asked with a smile. "Come now, Vexen. Put some effort into it."

"Why should we exhaust ourselves when you need only utter a few words?"

"…Think of it as good exercise."

"Dude," Xigbar said, painfully sitting up, "give us a break."

"If I do this now what's to stop you from running to me every time the situation gets a bit rough?" Xemnas continued to tease.

The mockery didn't stop there, though, because who else but Saix himself glided into the room at that exact moment. Those that had been bickering fell silent and some shrunk back, not yet ready to confront the Diviner again.

"Superior," he greeted Xemnas, with not so much as a scratch on him, "here is my report. I was going to leave it on your desk but seeing as you are here I thought it better to deliver it to you in person."

Xemnas was well aware of the eyes upon him but merely accepted the offered file with a smile.

"Thank you, Saix. There were no complications, I presume."

Giving them all a pointed look, Saix shook his head and smirked.

"No complications whatsoever, sir. It was a rather quiet day."

Vexen was turning as purple as Marluxia's eye, gritting his teeth and shaking as he glared at the Diviner.

"Sit down and take your shots," he snarled at the scarred man.

"No," Saix replied simply.

"As your superior, I order you!"

"I answer only to the Superior."

Xemnas was wise enough to hide his proud smile as he leafed through the report, leaving his old friend to battle it out verbally with his most faithful follower.

"Take your shots," Vexen demanded, trying again.

"No."

"Take your shots!"

"No."

"Take your shots…please."

"No."

"Take your shots or else!"

"Or else what?" Saix challenged, turning Vexen's own threat against him.

"Xemnas!" Vexen finally cried out, actually tugging at his long hair. "For the love of Kingdom hearts, just give him the order and end this insanity!"

They held their breaths when the Superior cast a look as Saix, who returned it calmly.

"You still have a few more hours," Xemnas determined.

Saix gave them all a smug look and they deflated, deeply mourning how long a few more hours were and how fresh and rosy Saix was looking, whereas they were dragging their sore, cut and burnt feet and struggling to see through their swollen eyes.

The door opened behind them, admitting in one lost-and-found Demyx, who looked the most surprise to see them, and even more surprised to find himself almost face-to-face with Saix. In his hand he held his Plan B (from where he lounged on the table, Xigbar snorted): a water balloon. Eyes crossed and still giving off sparks, Axel, leaning heavily on Roxas, managed a pitched giggle, then clutched his aching ribs and coughed.

Uncertainly coming forward, Demyx took in the pitiful group with wide eyes, eventually jumping slightly to find himself standing right next to Saix himself, who stared at him, perplexed as to what he'd been up to. The two just stood there, staring at each other in mutual surprise.

Demyx blinked once. Twice.

Then….

SPLASH

A second of silence, and an inhuman howl roared through the room as Saix fell to his knees, frantically rubbing at his eyes, the rest of him soaked and pieces of bright green balloon caught in his hair.

Xemnas took a step towards the incapacitated berserker but Xaldin, having pried himself out of the corner, was even quicker. With a cry he threw himself onto the Diviner, quickly followed by Luxord and Marluxia.

"Vexen, now!" someone was shouting as the scientist fumbled a moment before grabbing the heavy kit from the floor.

Xemnas stepped back as the rest swarmed in (even Xigbar flung himself off the table with a battle cry). Only Demyx did nothing. He was too stunned to move, eyes wide and mouth hanging open. Xemnas had to snap his fingers in the Nocturne's face to snap him out of his stupor.

"It worked?" the boy whispered dumbly. "It worked…It worked! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it! I knew it!"

"I got his arm! I got his arm!"

"Vexen, hurry up!"

"Axel, Roxas, you guys were SO wrong! I told you guys it would work and it did! I knew it! I knew it!"

"OW!! He bit me!"

"Larxene, don't—!"

ZAAAAAAAAAAP

"I suppose it will do," Xemnas sighed, evading the stray bolts of lightning as he left the room, their cries of pain and Demyx's victory song growing fainter and fainter.

"We got him?" Zexion asked from his comfy chairs when Xemnas passed through their room once again, contently sipping from a steaming cup Lexaeus had provided for the both of them from somewhere.

"We got him" Xemnas confirmed, accepting the cup the Silent Hero held out to him. "Like I said, it was never a difficult task to begin with."

"The harder the riddle, the simpler its answer."

2 days later…

"Xemnas?"

"Yes?" he asked, turning as Vexen caught up with him just as he was about to retire for the night.

"Saix has disappeared. He hasn't been seen since the night I gave him the shots. I suspect he's gone off to lick his wounded pride but he should still be feeling the effects; he'd be in no state to protect himself from so much as a mouse."

"Worried?" Xemnas asked, surprised at the notion.

Vexen snorted and fold his arms, one of which was still slightly swollen and tender from where the Diviner had attempted to rip the skin off the bone in blind agony.

"I simply thought that you would want to know the current status of your loyal pet," he said plainly. "And that the others are still confined to their rooms, recovering. And please send Demyx away! He's been hanging around the lab all this time, bragging about how well his plan worked. It's distracting!"

"Do as you see fit," Xemnas said. "And Saix will return when he's ready, I'm sure."

Vexen stomped off, muttering beneath his breath.

Closing the door behind him, Xemnas chuckled as he slipped off his boots and coat and slipped into bed. He pulled the unusually complacent body lying buried beneath the sheets close to him.

"A long wait, but always worth it," he teased, earning a groggy but annoyed glare. "I'm looking forward to next month."

Too woozy to argue, or to even push the other away, Saix allowed himself to be cuddled, much to his smug lover's glee. The Diviner grumbled something as he buried his face in his pillow, unable to shake off the shots' effects.

"What was that?" Xemnas grinned, toying with a pointy ear.

"I hate water."

The End

A/N: Where the hell did the pairing come from??? XD I started this fic with absolutely no intent on slashing it, and yet by the end I just thought "HELLOOOO!! It's ME! Of course it must have a yaoi pairing!!" So sorry if it comes over as a bit sudden. But hey, Xemnas/Saix: what's to hate?!

Saix's last words were a homage to Taz (Loony Tunes). Something about Saix just always reminds me of that loveable goofball.

Read & Review, please.