A/N: Happy Father's Day! This is my unofficial Father's Day present (although with all luck my father will never ever see this), since I see Iruka and Kakashi as more or less the adopted fathers of Team 7 (Jiraiya I think is more like the crazy uncle who gives you your first beer and lets you get away with stuff you are never allowed to tell your mom about, like having lawn mower jousts). This story was spawned by a truly adorable fic called Troubling New Developments, by SicTransitGloria, about the Rookie 9 going through puberty - it doesn't have yaoi, unfortunately, but it's still a hysterically funny story. That story started a long IM conversation between me and Jane Austen Girl about just how horrible it would be to have to deal with a bunch of teenagers with hormones, angsty pasts, and access to many many sharp pointy objects, which culminated in me thinking that instead of staring at Sakura's chest, Sasuke would probably be staring at Naruto's ass, and thus this fic sprang into being. I feel for Kakashi, I really do. This fic also contains my personal theory to explain why Nauto so adamantly pursues Sakura when he is clearly in love with Sasuke, even if he is in denial. Hmm...maybe my next fic should b my explanation of why SasuSaku and NaruHina would never would as relationships and would leave everyone involved miserable...it's a pretty comprehensive theory, pontificated endlessly in IM conversations, facebook message boards, and bowling alleys - wherever my friends and I happen to be. Anyway, enjoy this silly bit of Team 7 puberty goodness.
Note: More or less ignores canon, cause I needed Sasuke around, not off with the Snake Perv making Naruto angst about him. Conclude what you like about his presence - either the Sound nins never came to drag him off to Orochimaru, or Naruto beat enough sense into him at the Valley of the End that he went back with him to Konoha. I haven't decided yet; I might later, but for now take your pick.
Disclaimer: Trust me, Mishimoto can keep his angsty emo pubescent Sasuke. I don't really want him, at least not until he learns how to talk without resorting to monosyllables.
Raising Shinobi
"I wonder what I did to deserve this," Kakashi groans, taking a deep draught of sake and pouring himself another glass. "I mean, I was ANBU, so I suppose I've done a few things that would be worthy of this kind of punishment, but I wonder who specifically I killed that got me here."
Iruka, who isn't entirely sure what Kakashi is talking about, wonders how many glasses of sake the older man had before Iruka walked into the bar and was waylaid by the jounin, who seemed eager for a victim to unload his complaints on.
"Kakashi-san, I don't –" Iruka starts, but Kakashi waves a hand and cuts him off.
"I didn't sign up for this," he says, burying his face in his hands. "When I agreed to take a genin team, I thought it was going to be easy, quick – you know, keep them from getting killed, teach them a few things, get them through the chuunin exams, and then pass them off to their next team. It wasn't supposed to be like – like this! I never agreed to be anyone's goddamn parent. And kami, they're just so – why couldn't I get a team of nice, normal, stable little genin who would do what they were told?"
"Because you never would have passed them," Iruka points out practically, trying to find a point to cling to in this confusing conversation; at least now he knew that Kakashi was ranting about his team, but he still didn't know why. "I take it you're having problems with your team?"
A low growl emanates from around the sake cup Kakashi is drinking from again. "I am starting to think," he announces, "that all genin should be put in isolated holding cells, under round-the-clock ANBU guard, from the ages of 13 until they are ready to act like human beings. Which might be never."
"O-oh," says Iruka, with a burst of comprehension. "You mean – I still think of all of them as my little academy students, but they are that age, aren't they? What a handful." He tries unsuccessfully to stifle a giggle; Kakashi turns to glare at him.
"It's hardly a laughing matter, Iruka-sensei," he says. "I don't know how the other jounin-sensei do this. Those three brats are going to kill me, I swear."
Iruka raises a dark eyebrow. "Surely it can't be that bad, Kakashi-san," he jokes.
"You have no idea," Kakashi answers darkly. "It was hard enough when it was just Sakura – and that, I should tell you, was hell. One day she's our cute little Sakura-chan, and then the next day she's –" he makes a vague hand gesture. "She's got hips, and curves, and – and breasts, Iruka-sensei! And half the time she's crying and none of us can figure out why and all I can say is thank kami for Kurenai, because I'd rather take a dozen kunai to the chest than have to sit down and explain to Sakura about the "Wonders of Womanhood."
'Kurenai?" Iruka questions. He wonders if the jounin is always this cryptic, or if it just the sake, since it is obvious he is at least a little drunk.
"Yeah," Kakashi replies. "She took all the genin girls aside together and had some kind of "special talk" with them; I don't know what she told them, but Sakura had a very scary smirk when she came back. And Kurenai's nice enough to take her off my hands when something happens in training and she goes into hysterics – the first time it happened was awful, I had no idea what to do with her, and Sasuke and Naruto just stood there like idiots, of course."
Iruka tries to picture the famous Copy-Nin trying to deal with a hysterically sobbing teenage girl, and once again cannot stop himself from laughing; he claps a hand over his mouth to muffle the sound. Kakashi blatantly ignores him, devoting all his attention to his sake cup.
"But really," he continues, still childishly refusing to look at Iruka, "the breasts are the worst. They're just always there, even when I'm not looking at them, I know they're there – and the dress she wears doesn't help – and half the time it seems like she wants to show them off and make sure everyone notices, and half the time it's like she wants to hide in a corner and kill you for looking at her. And Naruto's going to die."
"Why exactly is Sakura's chest going to cause Naruto to die?" Iruka asks, patiently, he thinks.
"Because he can't. stop. staring. During training, when the three of them go out together, during missions – it doesn't matter what they're doing, all he does is stare at Sakura. It's going to get him killed, I know it. Either Sakura's going to beat him to death, or an enemy-nin will catch him off guard and put a half-dozen shuriken through him. I keep telling him that a ninja has to be subtle, but does he listen? Of course not. He's too busy ogling Sakura."
"I didn't realize he still had a crush on her," Iruka comments. "He doesn't talk about her all that much when I take him out for ramen. I figured he'd moved on to someone else, like Hinata-chan. But I guess not."
"Nope," Kakashi agrees. "He seems to be as infatuated as ever. But she doesn't notice at all. She's too busy flinging herself at Sasuke every chance she gets. 'Oh Sasuke-kun, you're such a perfect, talented shinobi! Will you show me how to do that technique, Sasuke-kun? Would you like to go out to dinner, Sasuke-kun?' It was troublesome enough when she was younger, but now she seems to be actually trying to seduce him."
"Is that such a bad thing, if they like each other, Kakashi-san? After all, they are growing up. It only makes sense."
"I don't want them to grow up," Kakashi answers petulantly. "The idea of my students having hormones, and sex…it's just…frightening. More than I can deal with. Besides, Sasuke isn't interested in her. Actually, I'm starting to think he isn't interested in girls, period."
It is lucky that even intoxicated Kakashi has the reflexes of an ex-ANBU; otherwise, he would have been sprayed with sake when Iruka spits out his drink in surprise.
"What on earth are you talking about?" He demands, once he finishes choking. "Are you really suggesting that Sasuke is–"
Kakashi nods glumly. "I really am."
"And just what makes you think that?" Iruka asks. "I mean, just because he isn't as open about his feelings as Naruto, that doesn't mean –"
"He's a hormonal 15-year-old boy who is capable of not staring at every pair of breasts in a five-mile radius. It's not normal!Even Shikamaru can't help himself from staring at Ino. And it's not just Sakura – I've never seen a girl get a reaction out of him, not any of the other genin, or the older chuunin or jounin, or the civilian girls in the village, or the girls we see on missions, he doesn't even look at them! What am I supposed to think?"
"Not everyone is a pervert like you and Jiraiya-sama," Iruka snaps. "Maybe Sasuke just has self-control and a sense of propriety."
Kakashi shakes his head wearily. "It's not just that. I don't know what made me think three years ago that I should try to become his "father figure." Probably somebody drugged me. It was fine when he was younger, and he didn't want anything to do with me unless I could teach him a dozen new ways to kill somebody. I could deal with that. But now he's a teenager, and he's angsty and –"
"Kakashi-san, I taught Sasuke at the Academy, remember?" Iruka interrupts. "He was an angsty five-year-old."
"Yes, but now he's teenage angsty, and hormonal and bipolar and just – aargh," Kakashi moans. "I really can't cope with this. He has all these issues, now, all these completely non-Itachi issues, and I don't know what I'm supposed to do with him. But the point is, he – well, he doesn't confide in me, he's still Sasuke, but he'll let me force things out of him, and sometimes if something's bothering him enough, he'll rant at me about it. He hasn't told me straight out, but some of the things he's been saying lately, it's hard not to be suspicious."
Iruka sighs deeply and takes another drink of sake; he's starting to understand how Kakashi could finish as many bottles as he has. "Well, if Sasuke was – that way, not that I'm sure I believe you yet – do you think he's interested in anyone?"
Kakashi slumps against the bar, head buried in his arms. "Let's put it this way," he replies, voice slightly muffled by his position. "The thing that really convinced me was that we might as well solder his eyes to Naruto's ass, for as much time as he spends looking anywhere else."
Kakashi appears to be trying to meld into the bar as Iruka slowly turns purple; it is clearly only a matter of time before the chuunin explodes, and he doesn't want to be in range when that happens. It quickly becomes apparent, however, that that is a futile hope.
"HE'S BEEN DOING WHAT?" Iruka shouts. "YOU'VE JUST BEEN STANDING BY AND DOING NOTHING WHILE HE LOOKS AT NARUTO LIKE THAT? IF HE'S DONE ANYTHING TO NARUTO, I'M GOING TO SHOVE A KUNAI SO FAR UP YOUR ASS YOU'LL FEEL IT BRUSH YOUR TONSILS!"
Eventually, with the help of liberal amounts of sake, Kakashi is able to get Iruka back in his seat, and more or less calmed down, although the chuunin is still seeing red.
"I'm starting to think I understand what you're going through," Iruka mutters. "But I will kill the both of you if Sasuke has done anything to Naruto."
"Naruto doesn't even know," Kakashi reassures him. "He's started to notice Sasuke staring at him, of course, but he doesn't realize why. It's making him paranoid – I think he thinks Sasuke is going to try to ambush him. Sakura hasn't noticed either."
Iruka muses over this for a minute. "Poor Sasuke," he says finally.
"I know," Kakashi replies. "The infamous Team 7 love triangle – it just goes round and round and round, and nobody ever gets what they want. Although lately I've been starting to wonder…"
"Wonder what?" Iruka asks.
"I'm starting to wonder if Naruto might not be more open to what Sasuke wants than he seems."
Iruka feels himself floundering in this conversation once again. "But – but I thought – Naruto – and Sakura–" he sputters.
"I know, I know," Kakashi says. "It's the obvious interpretation. But you have to look beneath the underneath, Iruka-sensei."
"Meaning what, Kakashi-san?"
"Meaning there's another way to look at how Naruto acts around Sakura. Imagine that you are a teenage boy and starting to think that maybe you don't really like girls. You know that most boys do – all your friends certainly do – and you are desperate to feel normal and accepted, to win everyone's approval; you're terrified that you'll be ridiculed and outcast if anyone finds out you feel this way. If that were the case, then Sakura would be the ideal girl to chase after, don't you agree, Iruka-sensei?"
"I'm afraid I still don't follow your logic, Kakashi-san," Iruka admits, scratching the back of his head.
"It's simple. Sakura-chan's obsessed with Sasuke; Naruto knows he doesn't stand a chance with her. If he asks her out, there's no risk she'll say yes and he'll have to date a girl, which he doesn't want to do, but at the same time, if anyone questions his inclinations, he can point to Sakura as proof he likes girls. Also, if he has feelings for Sasuke, Sakura is a much safer person to be "in love" with – he doesn't really care for her, so it doesn't matter when she rejects him; if he asked out Sasuke and Sasuke turned him down, he'd be crushed."
Iruka blinks. "You know, that almost makes sense, Kakashi-san. Do you think Naruto actually feels that way?"
"I have no idea," Kakashi says, beaming. "This is just speculation on my part. It's more likely that he really is straight, and in love with Sakura, I suppose. On the other hand, I've only been thinking about this because I've noticed that some of the things he says and does don't quite ring true. It's possible."
Perhaps it's just the sake clouding his mind, but the longer Iruka thinks about it, the more plausible it seems that Naruto would be in love with Sasuke.
"If you want," he tells Kakashi, "I could try to talk to Naruto and find out if you're right. I mean – if he really is feeling like that, he needs someone to talk to who understands what he's going through, he needs someone to tell him it's okay to feel the way he does – so he doesn't think he's doing something wrong, you know, and give him advice on how to deal with this a little better and–"
He blinks and goes silent when he feels the finger pressed against his lips.
"You're babbling, Iruka-sensei," Kakashi points out. "But I agree that it might be helpful if you spoke to Naruto. Although I have to wonder how you know what he's going through." A pale eyebrow arches, and Kakashi gives him a pointed stare.
"I – um – that is–" Iruka stammers, feeling his face heat up.
Later, Iruka blames the sake for what he said next.
"Maybe," he says, meeting Kakashi's eye, though his face is still scarlet, "If we went back to your apartment, I would be able to explain it a little better.
Kakashi doesn't answer, but Iruka thinks that the kiss – and groping – that follow are answer enough.
The next day, it is almost the end of class, and Iruka is wrapping up his lecture on the laws governing clans with bloodline limits in the Lightning Country, when an orange blur darts through the window of the classroom and tackles him. He staggers and nearly falls, but keeps his balance – thank kami, because he wouldn't be able to keep himself from groaning in pain, and he cannot explain to a class full of students and Naruto just why his back is so sore.
"Naruto," he says, peeling the boy off his chest and depositing him unceremoniously on the floor in front of him, "Would you like to explain what you're doing here, interrupting my class, when you should be training with Kakashi-san?"
"Kakashi-sensei let us out of training early," the blond boy exclaims. "He said we trained really hard today and there was no point in killing ourselves and that we deserved a day off once in while, and Sasuke-teme whined about it and said Kakashi-sensei was treating us like kids and he didn't need to be babied and who complains about getting a little bit of time off, anyway, what a freak, and I had to punch him for always making things difficult and then Kakashi-sensei said if we didn't stop fighting we'd train for another three hours after we usually do, and he's sooo mean, Iruka-sensei, but I stopped fighting 'cause I realized that if we were done training early then I could come see you and we could go for ramen and Kakashi-sensei gave me a weird look when I said that and he said you probably wanted to see me and I don't know what he meant Iruka-sensei but can we please please pleeeeease go for ramen?"
Iruka is amazed that the boy was able to get all of that in a single breath, even if he is gasping and red-faced by the time he finishes. It takes a minute for Iruka's mind to follow all the way through Naruto's convoluted speech; when he does, he blanches and turns redder than Naruto. He can't believe Kakashi set him up like this.
Then he realizes that Kakashi, at this moment, is probably upholding the other end of the deal they made last night, and talking to Sasuke. As embarrassing as this will be, it is still better than attempting to force an Uchiha to confront his feelings. Iruka sighs wearily, and turns to Naruto with a slightly forced grin.
"Give me just a minute to dismiss class, Naruto, and then we'll go for ramen, okay?" Iruka asks. "And while we're there, I have something I want to talk to you about…"
A/N: I couldn't resist the chance to throw in some KakaIru, I just couldn't...they're too cute together. I can't wait to write my KakaIru John Donne fic (has anyone read "The Flea?). If I get sufficiently bribed with reviews, and if I can think of a way to work it out, I might add a second chapter that resolves the question of Naruto's sexuality...maybe...possibly...