Hello.
Special Thanks to myAnti-drug-Race, my beta reader, for spending countless hours reading and editing and correcting my countless grammer errors (blame her for any remaining) hehe jk. In all honestly I couldnt have done it with out her. I gave up on this but she made me finish.(in case you cant tell she is standing right beside me ;)
Disclaimer: I sadly do not own the newsies. Disney does they own everything.
Rated: T for mild violence and implied slash.I am dead. An incredibly depressing thought seeing how four days ago I was a young carefree breathing teenage boy, and while my life wasn't perfect I never wanted it end, especially so soon.
I was 17 when my life was taken from me. My name was Garrett Ballet; better known as Kid Blink or Blink for short- and I was murdered by my father.
The day after I died I went to my funeral, which was an amazing feat in itself, because not many newsies get a proper burial. All the guys chipped in, and it hurt that I would never get to thank them. And for the next three days I have just been here. A ghost, I guess.
Death was not supposed to be like this. I am stuck here, where no one can see nor hear me. I have just been waiting for something to happen. Anything, I mean I wasn't expecting God to come down in a golden chariot followed by a choir of angels to bring me to the pearly gates. But I thought there was supposed a bright light or melodious music or something. It scared me that this was it; was I forever bound to walk the familiar streets of my life? Was I bound to spend eternity walking in the footsteps of the living? I was never a religious person when I was alive, and this was punishment, I guess. Maybe I should have gone to church with Itey.
I am hoping though that this is not the case. In all the old ghost stories they say that people stick around if they have unfinished business. I am hoping that, that is all I need to do. So now I am trying to figure out what it is exactly I have to finish.
Which is a lot harder then it sounds. I have a lot of regrets from even more mistakes. But perhaps I should start from the beginning.
I became a newsie when I was 14. Before then I lived with my parents until my father killed my mother and tried to kill me as well. I panicked and turned him into the bulls.
He hated me for it and as he was being taken away from the trial he looked over his shoulders, right into my eye and swore in front of the courtroom that he was going to kill me.
It was the only promise he had ever kept.
Then, after the trial, I ran to New York City. Where, luckily, I was picked up by none other then Jack "The Cowboy" Kelly. He showed me the newsie business- how and where to sell, he taught me the way of the streets. It was Jack who taught me to survive but it was Mush who taught me to live.
Mush had been a newsie already for about a year, we were about the same age. Mush took me in under his wing almost immediately after my arrival. He was everything I could ever hope to find in a friend. He was fiercely loyal, intelligent, funny and kind. He was the first and only person I trusted with my life. He knew what to say when I was upset, he knew how to calm me down when I got angry and he just always seemed to know what was going on inside my head. He soon became my best friend, my protector.
I always did what I could to try and pay him back for all he did for me but it never seemed to be enough. I often felt as though he was too good for me and I didn't deserve him.
I tried to tell him that once he just laughed, slung his arm around my neck and said "Blink, you're my best friend, okay? If I didn't like you, I wouldn't talk to you, but that, obviously, is not the case so drop it. Alright? You don't need to ever worry about paying me back for anything. I like helping you out when I can, and I know that whenever I need it you'll be there for me."
Three years later, he was still my best friend. We were inseparable. We had a bunch of friends come and go, but we both stayed. We always had each other and I loved him.
I loved Mush from the first moment I saw him. There was just something about him but I was afraid to tell him. I was afraid he wouldn't feel the same. I was afraid that something would happen to me if anyone found out because it was not safe to be a fag. So I settled for friendship. Stealing glances from the corner of my eye whenever I could. I told myself that having Mush as a friend was better then no Mush at all. It wasn't worth the risk. Or so I thought.
I didn't tell Mush when my father escaped from prison. It didn't really seem important at the time. I kind of figured that my father was from a different chapter of my life and could not touch me here.
I was wrong.
He cornered me into the alley behind Tibby's. He reached up with the knife and cut loose the patch from my face, and sneered at his handiwork. He was the reason I wore it, he was the reason I needed it. When I was eight I pissed him off and he reacted by beating me unconscious with a piece of wood. I'll leave out the details but I have been blind in my left eye ever since. It was scarred, deformed, disgusting and brought back too many memories. I always wore the patch.
My back burned as it was pushed hard against the rough bricks. I was so terrified I couldn't even hear what he snarled at me as he brought the blade into my chest.
The next thing I knew I was on the ground, hands grasping the wound. I felt my life slipping away as the blood seeped from the wound. It was all so fast; there was nothing I could do. It was like trying to keep water in your cupped hands, no matter how hard you tried it was impossible to stop it from slipping through the cracks. I tried desperately to keep the blood inside me as if that would keep me alive.
So many things darting through my mind as my life seeped away. But only one thing stood out clearly, against the jumble: Mush.
He was all I could think of in the last moments of my life. I barely even noticed when my father reached up once more and plunged the knife into my neck.
And that was it. In one moment my life was gone. All I worked for, all I had…gone.
Time- when I was alive there never was enough. Now that I'm dead its all I have. It catches up with all of us there is no purpose in trying to deny it. Time its just weird because you go through most of your life never worrying about dying. Death is just some off-in-the-distance occurrence. Always there but never close enough to grab you. But in the last few moments of my life I could actually feel time come crashing down on me like the ocean on the beach. And then it was gone. I wasn't confined to those boundaries anymore.
Now that I'm gone that pressure is too. I am finally free, but alone. And more terrified then I had ever been even in life.
I "woke up" a few hours later just in time to watch the owner of Tibby's find my body.
After the funeral I followed the boys back to the lodging house. I stood mournfully in the corner watching. There was a lot more drinking then I would have expected. Race must have snuck it in.
"Don't let Boots have that! He's only 10!" I shouted weakly but it was no use, they couldn't hear me. No one could even see me. I sighed miserably.
One by one, I said good bye to all the guys. I made my peace with each of them; I apologized for everything that I had done wrong to them even if I didn't remember it. I talked and talked but every time was the same none of them could hear or see me. I talked to every newsie in the Lodging house, all but one. As soon as I realized who was missing I knew exactly what I needed to do. I needed to find Mush.
It was so clear; I knew why I was holding on. I had to tell Mush the truth, which was something that I rarely did when I was alive. God, I was dumb!
I quickly walked down the familiar streets of Manhattan looking for him. I couldn't help but stop at my corner, my old selling place. I smiled. I worked hard to get this place, lost some blood and a tooth or two. It was worth it, I made a lot of money here. I wondered who would sell here now that I'm gone. I bent down to touch the worn cobble stone street. I'd been here so many times almost able to feel its slick but soft surface. I had spent so many of my days here. I had memorized everything there is to know about my corner, from the slightly off color stone that was three over from the big stone that was shaped like a dog to the small chip on the curb where a carriage had nicked it.
I kept walking down past Tibby's, the bookstore and the bakery. It was then that I saw Mush walking on the other side of the street, his head down. I crossed the street not worrying about traffic and followed him.
We walked for five minutes or so. But I froze as soon as I figured out where we were going, the cemetery. I hadn't been there since the funeral three days before. It was just sick to think about it, me standing over the real me…
I was impressed, honored and truly touched, that the boys saved up enough for a decent burial. This quiet secluded cemetery was exactly the kind of place that I always wanted to be…placed.
What Mush did next broke my heart; or rather the shadowed copy of what once was my heart. He collapsed next to the simple marker that guarded my final resting place, and cried. The tears didn't stop. Several coherent words slipped out through his sobs but "I love you" were the ones that kept echoing in my mind over and over again.
He loved me, how ironic. I never saw the possible happiness that was within my grasp for years. I never noticed the love we shared. I loved him so much, but was too afraid to do anything. I loved him and he loved me.
I would have given anything to be able to kiss him right now. I reached out to touch his shoulder, before I realized that it would do no good. I was not apart of his word anymore.
But I had to say something to him, the man I loved with all of my heart. And I knew I would continue to love him, even in death. I opened my mouth and let loose the words that hung on the tip of my tongue every day of my life. The ones that I never had the courage to speak. My heart filled words fall upon empty ears.
"All those lies, they seem so stupid now. If I had just told the truth then, it would all be different. I wouldn't be dead, you wouldn't be crying. We would be off somewhere together. Happy. But I didn't, a moments hesitation ruined everything. I could have told you the way I felt. I could have told you about my mother and my father. I should have, but it's too late. I will never be able to tell you that I loved you more then anything else in the entire world! Hell Mush, you were my world. I'll never be able to tell you how gorgeous your eyes are or how they sparkle when you laugh. I'll never be able to hold you or kiss away your tears that fall down your flawless golden skin. I'll never get to fall asleep in your arms. I will never get the chance to make you laugh, your adorable laugh ever again. I don't think I ever told you how much I loved your laugh, Mush. It was so vibrant, so you. It was youthful, alive but with a certain elegance. I don't know how else to explain it but I loved to hear it. I mean, half the stupid things I ever did was just to get you to laugh. But you don't look like your gonna laugh anytime soon. I wish you would, I hate to see you sad. Especially on my account.
I'm sorry for lying, stealing your shoes all those years ago. I'm sorry for that time I told Jack you were afraid of spiders and he put one on your pillow… But mostly I'm sorry for making you cry. I wish you would smile for me again Mush, just once before I have to go. You know, I always thought your smile was brighter then any sunrise. I love you, Mush. I wish I would've told you sooner…"
I knew that on some subconscious level he had heard me speak. And I knew he would be okay. He was strong, he was a real scrapper, and he could get through anything. Whether it be one year or 50 I will always wait for him. I will wait for the moment that I will be able to take him in my arms again not only as a friend but as a lover, a soul mate. When his time comes, I'll be ready.
I watched Mush as he stood up and wiped clean his face. I watched him walk away, towards the Lodging house, his life. The setting sun seemed to grow brighter and from somewhere deep within me I felt this compelling urge to walk towards it. I took one last glance at Mush over my shoulder and smiled. I would see him again. I walked towards the golden sunset. Each step I took it became brighter and brighter. A smile appeared on my face. The light was clearer and I began to feel different, a sense of peace flooded my body. This was it; my time had finally come. I was going to wherever people like me go. I would wait for Mush and my friends; after all, I have all the time in the world. Plus the bright side is if I get there first, I'll get the best selling spot. Cause everywhere has got to have the news right?
My time in this world was done. I stepped out from the shadows into the shining light.
Ahh… there's the light, now where's my choir?
And yes that was a reference to Shoeless by Arlene2. Ten points to anyone who caught that. Please review.
Tell me what you think. Likes, dislikes, comments, suggestions always welcome