*** ZELL'S DATING SERVICE AGENCY ***
A fanfic by Vick330 (the MadScientist)
***** Disclaimer *****
I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, or its characters. I'm just a poor guy, so don't sue, or you'll end up with empty beer bottles and dust-bunnies.
********** I **********
Zell stepped back, and admired his handiwork. "Not bad, not bad at all. This will certainly attract crowds. Heehee." He said to no one in particular.
The object of his pride was a poster-sized add that announced:
*********************************************************
********ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE?********
*******DO YOU SPEND ALL YOUR SATURDAY NIGHTS ALONE?******
**********ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING A LAME LOSER?***********
*********** Then come to Zell's Dating Heaven! **********
*******(The BEST dating service agency in Garden)********
**Meet people, be popular, find happiness and true love!*
*We're situated in Garden's basement (beware the Blobra)*
*********************************************************
Our ever-resourceful friend walked away, dreaming of all the Gil jingling his way, and all the cool stuff he'd buy with it. He even spared an idle thought, as to how he would match his future clients to one another. But, when you have such a great concept, why bother with trivial details?
Zell's first vict...-err- customer, was a short woman, wearing thick-rimmed glasses [to which were attached a fake nose and moustache]. Brown strands were poking through her long purple hair [obviously a wig, not that Mr.Dintch would notice any of it anyway].
Zell: (Yay! Gil Time, Baby!) "Hi there Miss? Mister?"
Woman: "Ms.Silmitt, Telphie Silmitt."
Zell: "Well, Ms.Silmitt. What can we do for you?"
Telphie: "My ex-boyfriend is a cheating, no-good, flirtatious, poopoo pants, lying-loser and his brain would rattle in a flea's skull and I want to make him suffer so I need a date for Saturday night because I'm tired of watching PowerPuff Girls' reruns."
Zell: (fleas have skulls?) "Ah, revenge, an excellent reason to use our services. Please, fill out the questionnaire, and we'll soon find your dream date Miss Silmitt."
Telphie: "But you're only asking for my name, phone number, and how much Gil I have on me. How are you going to find me a date with that?"
Zell: "It's hard to explain to a neophyte, but we have an extensive database, and a VERY advanced, state of the art psycho-profiler analysis software. I'm entering your parameters right now, we'll call you soon." [In fact, Zell is playing solitaire on the computer]
Telphie: "K!" ::gets up and leaves::
Zell: "And that's one entry, in our extensive database, and 50 Gil in our pocket. Heehee." ^_^
A tall guy, with striking violet eyes, a ponytail, and wearing thick-rimmed glasses [with fake nose and moustache, not that Zelly-baby would notice any of it anyway] entered the office.
Zell: "Oh, hi there, Miss, Sir?"
Tall Guy: "Well, partner, you can address me as...Mr.Kirvine, yup, that's it, Mr.Kirvine."
Zell: "And what can we do for you, Mr.Kirvine? - Say, haven't we met somewhere before? You look kind of familiar."
Kirvine: "Err, no, I don't think so. Listen, my girlfriend dumped me, for NO reason whatsoever, and I need a date to protect my reputation, and all."
Zell: "Ah, a broken heart. You came to the right place, and I think that I have the perfect match for you, Mr.Kirvine."
Kirvine: "What? Ya haven't asked me one single question yet."
Zell: "Sir, we're professionals. The minute you stepped through that door, I had you all sized up. Now, follow these instructions, so you'll recognize your date. That will be 50 Gil please."
Later that day, another suck...-err- patron, walked in. She was a drop dead beautiful woman, with silky black hair, wearing a blue dress, and thick-rimmed glasses (with fake nose and moustache). Our entrepreneurial friend was waked, by the exited barks of the dog accompanying her.
Zell: (Man! What's this? Uglyfest 2001?) "Welcome -err- Miss? Sir?"
Woman: "You can call me...Hinoa. I want a date, to make my boyfriend jealous, and shake him up a little. He's not very demonstrative, you know."
Zell: "No, I wouldn't know, but you're in good hands here, Hinoa. What did you have in mind?"
Hinoa: "I like the broody, introverted type. Make sure you deliver...or else."
Zell: (Gulp!) "Sure, Ms.Hinoa. You can count on the quality of our services, heehee."
The fourth los...-err- visitor of the day was a dark-haired man, wearing a furry thing around his neck, and thick-rimmed glasses [with fake nose and moustache]. It didn't look like he smiled very often, if ever.
Zell: (By Hyne, are these guys taking over Garden?) "Greetings, Sir. You are?"
Man: "Whatever."
Zell: "And how can we be of service, Mr. Whatever?"
Mr. Whatever: "My girlfriend came here, leave her alone, or..."
Zell: (GULP!) "I really can't discuss her file, professional confidentiality, you see. If you like, I can give you a 10% rebate on our services, that will show her!
Mr. Whatever: "Whatever." :: But he accepted the offer! ::
There were a few more desper...-err- clients that day.
Zell went out, that very same evening, and bought himself a PS2 [lucky him!], and a couple of cool games.
Then Saturday morning came, and our friend realized that he'd better deliver. The last thing he needed was a dissatisfied customer, for he had forgotten to add a 'no money back guarantee' clause to his contracts.
But, when one has such a great concept, why bother with trivial, and unimportant details after all?
********** ********** **********
The following chapter is a case-by-case rendition of some of the consequences of Zell's little half-baked scheme.
Warning: not for the faint hearted, or whatever, read it even then, I'm not going to stop you anyway. ~_^
A fanfic by Vick330 (the MadScientist)
***** Disclaimer *****
I don't own Final Fantasy VIII, or its characters. I'm just a poor guy, so don't sue, or you'll end up with empty beer bottles and dust-bunnies.
********** I **********
Zell stepped back, and admired his handiwork. "Not bad, not bad at all. This will certainly attract crowds. Heehee." He said to no one in particular.
The object of his pride was a poster-sized add that announced:
*********************************************************
********ARE YOU LOOKING FOR THAT SPECIAL SOMEONE?********
*******DO YOU SPEND ALL YOUR SATURDAY NIGHTS ALONE?******
**********ARE YOU TIRED OF BEING A LAME LOSER?***********
*********** Then come to Zell's Dating Heaven! **********
*******(The BEST dating service agency in Garden)********
**Meet people, be popular, find happiness and true love!*
*We're situated in Garden's basement (beware the Blobra)*
*********************************************************
Our ever-resourceful friend walked away, dreaming of all the Gil jingling his way, and all the cool stuff he'd buy with it. He even spared an idle thought, as to how he would match his future clients to one another. But, when you have such a great concept, why bother with trivial details?
Zell's first vict...-err- customer, was a short woman, wearing thick-rimmed glasses [to which were attached a fake nose and moustache]. Brown strands were poking through her long purple hair [obviously a wig, not that Mr.Dintch would notice any of it anyway].
Zell: (Yay! Gil Time, Baby!) "Hi there Miss? Mister?"
Woman: "Ms.Silmitt, Telphie Silmitt."
Zell: "Well, Ms.Silmitt. What can we do for you?"
Telphie: "My ex-boyfriend is a cheating, no-good, flirtatious, poopoo pants, lying-loser and his brain would rattle in a flea's skull and I want to make him suffer so I need a date for Saturday night because I'm tired of watching PowerPuff Girls' reruns."
Zell: (fleas have skulls?) "Ah, revenge, an excellent reason to use our services. Please, fill out the questionnaire, and we'll soon find your dream date Miss Silmitt."
Telphie: "But you're only asking for my name, phone number, and how much Gil I have on me. How are you going to find me a date with that?"
Zell: "It's hard to explain to a neophyte, but we have an extensive database, and a VERY advanced, state of the art psycho-profiler analysis software. I'm entering your parameters right now, we'll call you soon." [In fact, Zell is playing solitaire on the computer]
Telphie: "K!" ::gets up and leaves::
Zell: "And that's one entry, in our extensive database, and 50 Gil in our pocket. Heehee." ^_^
A tall guy, with striking violet eyes, a ponytail, and wearing thick-rimmed glasses [with fake nose and moustache, not that Zelly-baby would notice any of it anyway] entered the office.
Zell: "Oh, hi there, Miss, Sir?"
Tall Guy: "Well, partner, you can address me as...Mr.Kirvine, yup, that's it, Mr.Kirvine."
Zell: "And what can we do for you, Mr.Kirvine? - Say, haven't we met somewhere before? You look kind of familiar."
Kirvine: "Err, no, I don't think so. Listen, my girlfriend dumped me, for NO reason whatsoever, and I need a date to protect my reputation, and all."
Zell: "Ah, a broken heart. You came to the right place, and I think that I have the perfect match for you, Mr.Kirvine."
Kirvine: "What? Ya haven't asked me one single question yet."
Zell: "Sir, we're professionals. The minute you stepped through that door, I had you all sized up. Now, follow these instructions, so you'll recognize your date. That will be 50 Gil please."
Later that day, another suck...-err- patron, walked in. She was a drop dead beautiful woman, with silky black hair, wearing a blue dress, and thick-rimmed glasses (with fake nose and moustache). Our entrepreneurial friend was waked, by the exited barks of the dog accompanying her.
Zell: (Man! What's this? Uglyfest 2001?) "Welcome -err- Miss? Sir?"
Woman: "You can call me...Hinoa. I want a date, to make my boyfriend jealous, and shake him up a little. He's not very demonstrative, you know."
Zell: "No, I wouldn't know, but you're in good hands here, Hinoa. What did you have in mind?"
Hinoa: "I like the broody, introverted type. Make sure you deliver...or else."
Zell: (Gulp!) "Sure, Ms.Hinoa. You can count on the quality of our services, heehee."
The fourth los...-err- visitor of the day was a dark-haired man, wearing a furry thing around his neck, and thick-rimmed glasses [with fake nose and moustache]. It didn't look like he smiled very often, if ever.
Zell: (By Hyne, are these guys taking over Garden?) "Greetings, Sir. You are?"
Man: "Whatever."
Zell: "And how can we be of service, Mr. Whatever?"
Mr. Whatever: "My girlfriend came here, leave her alone, or..."
Zell: (GULP!) "I really can't discuss her file, professional confidentiality, you see. If you like, I can give you a 10% rebate on our services, that will show her!
Mr. Whatever: "Whatever." :: But he accepted the offer! ::
There were a few more desper...-err- clients that day.
Zell went out, that very same evening, and bought himself a PS2 [lucky him!], and a couple of cool games.
Then Saturday morning came, and our friend realized that he'd better deliver. The last thing he needed was a dissatisfied customer, for he had forgotten to add a 'no money back guarantee' clause to his contracts.
But, when one has such a great concept, why bother with trivial, and unimportant details after all?
********** ********** **********
The following chapter is a case-by-case rendition of some of the consequences of Zell's little half-baked scheme.
Warning: not for the faint hearted, or whatever, read it even then, I'm not going to stop you anyway. ~_^