Unfortunate Events Parody—

Part One: The Bad Beginning

on the beach.

VIOLET: God, Klaus, you suck at skipping rocks.

KLAUS: I'm trying, okay?

VIOLET: Well, try harder, every self-respecting Baudelaire can skip a rock, but then I was always sure you were adopted anyway, so…

SUNNY: Gah! There's a strange figure coming towards us! Only I can't see who it is, cause all that's visible in this fog is a silhouette!

KLAUS: Your point being?

SUNNY: I've seen Psycho, strange figures usually mean something bad's about to happen. Do something!

VIOLET: It's okay, Sunny, I've got a peashooter.

SUNNY: We're screwed.

STRANGE FIGURE: (cough hack cough)

KLAUS: Aw, it's only Mr. Poe.

MR. POE: Howdy.

VIOLET: Would you like a cough drop, Mr. Poe? It might help that tuberculosis along, or whatever it is you got goin' on there…

MR. POE: No thank you, Miss Baudelaire. Now—

VIOLET: You sure? Cause I can just hear that mucus slurping around in your chest from all the way over here, and I'm getting kinda nauseous.

MR. POE: Nauseous? Hmm. So I guess now isn't a good time to tell you your parents are dead, your house is burned down, you've just become orphans, and Klaus's appointment at the nail salon was cancelled?

KLAUS: I paid freaking seventy bucks for that appointment!

VIOLET: Our parents! What happened?!

MR. POE: Did you not hear the part about your house burning down?

KLAUS: They died in the fire?

MR. POE: No, they were hit by the firetruck. It was so ironic. Anyway, it looks like you're gonna have to come stay at my place till I can con some other sap into taking you.

SUNNY: Wow. Thanks a lot.

MR. POE: Whatever. Hop into the truck now, kids!

poe residence.

MR. POE: Honey, guess what I brought home!

MRS. POE: Canned bread?

MR. POE: No, even better! Orphaned chillens!

POE KID #1: Ew. Who're those stiffs?

MR. POE: Hey, calm down, it's not their fault they're a little upset. I mean, their parents died, their house is gone, and the nail place cancelled on Klaus.

POE KID #2: That place costs a freakin' fortune!

KLAUS: I know, right?

POE KID #2: For sure! Like one time, I wanted to get some flowers done, and it was like forty bucks extra!

POE KID #1: (smack) You're not supposed to like them, creep! Come on, let's go barricade our room.

POE KID #2: Well…okay…

POE KID #3: I wanna help!

MR. POE: (blanches) When'd we have a third kid?!

dinner.

VIOLET: This dinner sucks.

MRS. POE: Thank you!

next morning.

MR. POE: 'Kay, kids, I found someone for you to stay with!

SUNNY: Boy, you weren't in a rush at all, were you?

MR. POE: Of course I was, you three are serious downers.

KLAUS: Do ya know what if feels like, lovin' someone, that's in a rush to throw you awa-ay…

VIOLET: I knew he was adopted. So anyway, who're we staying with?

MR. POE: Some guy named Count Olaf. Mm. Sounds like pilaf. Which reminds me of my wife.

KLAUS: Who's Count Olaf?

MR. POE: He's your mom's uncle's sister's dad's ex-wife's old roomate's goldfish's previous owner's hairdresser's seventeenth cousin. Or something like that. Throw in a couple 'removed's just to be safe.

VIOLET: But our Uncle Bill lives right across the street, why couldn't we live with him?

KLAUS: Yeah, he's got cable!

MR. POE: We needed a plot device, so just do me a favor and try and tell me if you see anything outside. This fog's getting so dense it's slowing my car down. Can't see a darn thing.

SUNNY: Ooooh, check it out! That's a really nice house! Are we gonna live there?

MR. POE: As if! This isn't called Unfortunate Events for nothing. Everyone out!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Oh, hello, Mr. Poe! Who are the kids?

MR. POE: These are the new possessions—I mean…uh…charges…of Olaf.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Sakes alive! (runs inside)

KLAUS: That…doesn't look like a good sign.

VIOLET: It's never a good sign when someone randomly changes their accent. Remember that. It'll come up later in life, I guarantee it.

SUNNY: Shoot, I don't wanna live there! It looks so morbid!

MR. POE: Then you'll fit in great. C'mon, chop chop, I gotta get back home to monogram my wife's panties.

OLAF: Well hello there…

VIOLET: Uhmygawd!

OLAF: So these are the little nippers. Well, I'll put them to lots of good use. You!

KLAUS: What?

OLAF: You look like you've got a nice steady hand.

KLAUS: Yeah, I paint.

OLAF: Excellent. I'm officially appointing you as my nightly toenail buffer.

KLAUS: …kill me now.

OLAF: Okay, come on in, everyone!

SUNNY: Jeez, what a dump! You're single, I take it?

OLAF: Oh, yes. Unless you count the one-night stands, then I'm like a total pimp. Anyway, this place could really use some work…and I understand you guys practically own a gold mine…I mean, not that I'm hinting or anything…

MR. POE: That money is not to be touched till the hot one comes of age.

OLAF: That's gonna put a damper on our relationship, Mucus. I'll just show you out.

MR. POE: Bye, kids! It's been great! Don't bother calling!

OLAF: Okay. Well, now that Coughy's gone, I won't bother to try and impress anyone.

KLAUS: Did I miss the part where you were trying?

OLAF: Shut up and get to your room, ya little bespectacled creep. And you two, too. I'm gonna run down to the liquor store. Be right back!

room.

VIOLET: One bed, moldy curtains, century-old flooring…I dunno how this place could possibly get any worse…

KLAUS: So I'm assuming the pile of newspapers that says 'facilities' is where we go, then?

VIOLET: …

SUNNY: Dang, what a shack. I call curtains!

OLAF: KIDS! Get out here!

kitchen.

VIOLET: What do you want?

OLAF: Uh, it says here you're supposed to cook for me and my theater groupies or something…

VIOLET: That's tomorrow, ya drunken loser.

OLAF: Oh. Well, in that case…go scrub the couch or something. I'm gonna run down to the liquor store real quick. Be right back!

KLAUS: Ugh. I'm going to bed.

room.

SUNNY: How's it goin' up there?

VIOLET: Klaus, quit kicking!

KLAUS: I'm not freakin' touching you!

VIOLET: …then what is?

SPIDER: Do you mind? I've got eggs down here!

SUNNY: Ew. Anyway, someone's tapping at the window.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Hey, there, kids!

VIOLET: It's flippin' 2 AM, what do you need?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Well, I kinda missed my cue earlier on…I just wanted to say you kids can come chill at my library anytime you want. Bye!

next day.

SUNNY: Hey, it's a note! Only I can't read…one of you guys, decode the lettering.

VIOLET: 'Dear kids, went down to the liquor store. I'll probably stop at a bar or two on the way out, then head over to the theater. You punks better have dinner ready when I get back, or I'll tear you all new ones. Love, Olaf.'

KLAUS: We can't cook! Last time I tried my hand at cooking, the cold cereal spilled all over the place!

SUNNY: Well, let's go get some books and see if we can't find something.

library.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Hey, kids! What's new?

VIOLET: Nothing much. We gotta cook dinner for a bunch of drunk actors or else. You?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: I think my baliff's hot for me! Anyway, let's see about a cookbook.

KLAUS: Got any Playboy?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Teehee. Silly lad. Oh, look! Here's one for roast beef!

VIOLET: Nah. What else ya got?

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Oh, here! It's one for pasta! Let's see now…oh! Puttanesca sauce! Mm. Sounds like a brand of ice cream or something. Anywho, there's the ingredients you need. You kids best get a move on, now. See ya!

marketplace.

VIOLET: This isn't good.

KLAUS: What?

VIOLET: We've got a boatload of stuff to buy…and he left us Monopoly money.

KLAUS: No problem. You go grab what we need. Sunny, follow me.

SUNNY: This oughta be good.

KLAUS: This is the Cha-Cha-Slide, y'all.

EVERYONE: (gasp)

KLAUS: A'ight, c'mon, y'all, clap it up.

EVERYONE: (clap)

KLAUS: Right foot, two stomps! Left foot, two stomps! Cha-cha now, y'all.

EVERYONE: (cha-cha)

KLAUS: 'kay, let's go!

kitchen.

VIOLET: Is it supposed to be purple?

KLAUS: Heck if I know, I just read. Sunny!

SUNNY: I'm bitin' over here!

KLAUS: But Sunny, you can cook!

SUNNY: Not till the sixth or seventh book. Figure it out!

SAUCE: (growl)

VIOLET: I think they'll like it!

dinnertime.

OLAF: Something doesn't smell like roast beef!

VIOLET: WTF? We made sauce!

OLAF: For the roast beef?

VIOLET: There is no roast beef!

OLAF: I specifically wrote it down! Right there! See? Right there.

VIOLET: That says 'I'm off to the liquor store'.

OLAF: What, do I have to spell it out? Yeesh, you kids are dense. So what're we supposed to eat?

KLAUS: Did we not just say we made sauce?

BALD GUY: I thought we was havin' roast beef, Olaf.

OLAF: And we shall!

VIOLET: We didn't make any roast beef!

OLAF: Well then what did you make?!

VIOLET: Go sit down!

after dinner.

OLAF: Well, that dinner officially sucked. Klaus, get your butt over here.

KLAUS: What'd I do?

OLAF: (whack) That's for a sucky dinner. Now all of y'all's, get upstairs to bed!

poe office the next day.

VIOLET: Mr. Poe, you've gotta help us!

SUNNY: Yeah, our life's a mess since you took us to Olaf's place!

MR. POE: (cough hack cough)

KLAUS: Plus he hit me, and stuff!

MR. POE: That only means he's acting in locomotor mortis.

VIOLET: Don't you mean loco parentitis?

MR. POE: I said locomotor mortis!

KLAUS: He's a disarming spell?

MR. POE: Exactly! Now get outta my office!

back at the house.

OLAF: Basically, I heard about your little outing down to the bank today.

VIOLET: How the heck does that work, we just left!

OLAF: Yeah, but I've got unlimited texting. And Mr. Congestion has the same company, so it all works out.

KLAUS: That's the dumbest thing I ever heard.

OLAF: Well, I'm sorry you felt like my palace wasn't good enough for you.

SUNNY: How many trips to the liquor store did he take today?

OLAF: So to make up for the fact that you're all high-maintenance losers, you get to be in my masterpiece of a play, The Marvelous Marriage.

VIOLET: Couldn't we do Into the Woods or something?

OLAF: That's next month. Now Klaus, you and Sunny get to play extras. And Violet, you're like, my bride.

VIOLET: I just threw up in my mouth a little.

OLAF: Aw, it's not for real or anything…but even if it were, you'd get a bigger bed. (wink)

library.

KLAUS: There's something strange about his plan.

VIOLET: Ya think!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Hey, guys! Guess what? I'm gonna be in a play! I've always wanted to act…

VIOLET: Then you be the bride!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Nah, get this…I play a judge!

SUNNY: No way.

KLAUS: Ah! Nuptial Laws, my favorite!

JUSTICE STRAUSS:…you need to find yourself a girl, dude.

the house.

KLAUS: Aha! After hours of staring at the cover of this book trying to figure out what 'unabridged' means, I've found a solution to our problem!

VIOLET: (snore)

KLAUS: Hey, Olaf! Guess what!

OLAF: You finally hit puberty?

KLAUS: No! Well, kind of! But that's not what I wanna say! I know all about your little plan!

OLAF: You know about the honeymoon I'm planning in Tijuana?!

KLAUS: No! I mean yes! Stop that! I know you're gonna marry her in the play!

OLAF: Duh, it's in the script.

KLAUS: Yeah, only I read that if a real judge makes you sign real paper with your real hand, then you're really married! And that's disgusting!

OLAF: Maybe to you.

KLAUS: …

OLAF: What? How do you know Violet's not into it?

KLAUS: Because she's not insane! Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go tell my sisters!

OLAF: You do that. (half-smile)

KLAUS: Violet! Sunny! Guess what!

VIOLET: Oh my gosh, your voice finally broke!

KLAUS: No! Wait, really?

VIOLET: Yeah! So what is it you needed to tell Sunny and me?

KLAUS: …where's Sunny?!

VIOLET: Over there in the moldy pile of curtains.

KLAUS: That's the spider! Where'd my sister go?!

OLAF: I certainly haven't seen her.

VIOLET: Yes you have! Where is she?

OLAF: Follow me, amateurs.

outside.

OLAF: Okay, look up.

VIOLET: What does a black sky in the middle of the morning have to do with Sunny?

KLAUS: (gasp) You hung her in a cage?!

OLAF: Teehee. Yep. I'll only let her out if your hot sister agrees to marry me so I can get your gold mine and stuff. Otherwise, I'll have my hook-handed lackey do something really bad to her.

VIOLET: Marry you, or have something bad happen to my sister. Hmm. How bad are we talking?

OLAF: Real bad. Like…forcing her to listen to Cher bad.

VIOLET: You wouldn't!

OLAF: Oh, but I would! I have her greatest hits waiting up in the tower should you try to get out of our deal!

VIOLET: Oh man. That's a fate worse than death. (sigh) Fine, I'll marry you.

OLAF: Besides, it wouldn't be so bad, you know…waking up next to me, having my children…

VIOLET: Don't push it.

that night.

KLAUS: Are you really going to keep your end of the deal?

VIOLET: Psch. Heck no. I just needed time to make this!

KLAUS: A claw?

VIOLET: Bingo. I'm going to climb up there using the hook I made out of some barbed wire I found in the sink, and this rope I braided out of Olaf's back hair.

KLAUS: How'd you get it from his back?

VIOLET: Oh, he had me wax it the other day and told me I could keep it.

KLAUS: How generous. Now let's get this drag show on the road, maybe we can catch a bus outta here or something!

VIOLET: Right! (throws hook)

HOOK: CLAAAAAAAAAAAAANG!

VIOLET: Hey! You're gonna blow our cover!

HOOK: Oh…sorry. Claaaaaaaang…

VIOLET: Be right back!

HOOK MAN: Ahahaha! That hook blew your cover! Now I've got you!

VIOLET: Crap. Klaus! Run like the wind!

HOOK MAN: Too late, I've already got him hanging from the wall by his britches!

VIOLET: Wait…how does that work, I saw him wave to me as I started climbing.

HOOK MAN: Heh. Then I used my fishing pole. Now come on, into the tower.

VIOLET: I cut my fricken shoulder for nothing. Now what do we do?

SUNNY: I'm seriously about to wet myself from sheer terror.

KLAUS: Whatever, I already did…Violet, think of something!

VIOLET: Oh! I have an idea!

KLAUS: What is it?

VIOLET: Psch, wait! You'll see towards the end of the book!

play night.

OLAF: This is my big night, and you two better not screw it up. Or else…(presses walkie talkie)

WALKIETALKIE: Do you beli-ieve, in life after love?

KLAUS: We won't do anything to ruin it.

VIOLET: Speak for yourself. I'm off to Makeup. See ya!

OLAF: Man, what a hottie.

play.

OLAF: 'kay, Judge! Time for you to seal the deal!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Oh, man! This is so exhilarating! Just being up here, starring in a real live play! It's something I've wanted to do, since I was a little girl, just after I got my first gavel, it was Fisher-Price, so cute! And—

OLAF: Say the line!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: 'Kay! Um, do you, Olaf, take Violet to be your lady?

OLAF: Yep.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Then I'll just need you to sign here…

OLAF: Aha! Ahahaha! Ha! Now the play's over, and I've actually really married Violet, and now her fortune's mine!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Land sakes! You mean to tell me I assisted in somethin' so vile!

OLAF: Heh. Yep.

EVERYONE: Oh no!

VIOLET: Not so fast!

OLAF: …

VIOLET: See, it says you had to have signed it in your own hand. And I didn't. See? I used a little back-scratcher hand. Man, I can't believe you fell for it.

OLAF: Then sign it again!

VIOLET: Nope, don't think I will.

OLAF: Then your sister…

SUNNY: Is right here, freak! Just wait till I get ahold of you! I'ma be on you like a polar bear on a Klondike bar!

MR. POE: Seize the pedophile!

OLAF: Crap.

(lights go out)

SUNNY: I can't see a darned thing!

VIOLET: Hold on, I'll find the light!

OLAF: I'll get you someday!

VIOLET: Aaah! Don't do that! You're gonna make me trip!

OLAF: Sorry. Anyway, I'm off to Tijuana till I can think of something else. Toodles!

(lights come back on)

MR. POE: Did anyone get him?

MRS. POE: No, but I'd like to. (wink)

VIOLET: It's all good, everyone…we're safe. For now.

SUNNY: Dun-dun-dunnnn.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Um, to like, make up for the fact that you were almost married to that scraggly greaseball…maybe I could adopt you kids?

MR. POE: (cough hack) Nope, no can do.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: What! Why?

MR. POE: They gotta be raised by relatives.

JUSTICE STRAUSS: But I thought they didn't have any…?

MR. POE: Look, we gotta fill thirteen books, we'll find some!

JUSTICE STRAUSS: Well…okay…but let me tell you right now. The ending of the thirteenth book is gonna suck.

MR. POE: It's a risk I'm willing to take. Come on, kids!

KLAUS: Jerk.

SUNNY: I liked her!

VIOLET: Could life get any worse?

MR. POE: Haha. Girl, you ain't seen nothin' yet.

They drive away into the distance, Smack That blaring from the radio.

Fin.

Well, that was my first ASOUE parody thing for a few years now. Let me know what you think.  I'm considering doing some of the other books, but whatever you say.

-Kates