Cipher
He isn't Sasuke, but sometimes it's hard to bear that in mind.
Sometimes when he turns and glances at her out of the corner of his eyes (tenebrous, dark eyes, eyes that I could almost drown in), she sees Sasuke staring back. (Sasuke's eyes, it's really Sasuke this time!)
Sometimes when he insults her and calls her ugly and a hag, she forgets that it's really Sai saying it. She imagines it to be Sasuke, so his words sting twice as bad. She hits him harder than she does Naruto, just for sounding like Sasuke. He should know better.
Sometimes when he surprises her by waiting for her outside the hospital, she sees Sasuke leaning casually against the brick wall. Its Sasuke who raises his hand in an airy wave, still slouching—and with a smirk tugging at the corners of his mouth. (Hey Sasuke-kun!)
But Sai doesn't smirk. He doesn't smile. He fakes his emotions, because he has none.
Sasuke may have been a pompous jerk, but he had feelings somewhere deep inside. He got upset whenever Sakura talked about her parents. He became angry when she threatened to tattle about the curse mark.
He felt.
Sai feels nothing. He feels nothing (nothing nothing nothing, oh god it's not really Sasuke, he feels nothing) when she yells at him. He feels nothing when she punches him through a series of walls, his thin and wiry body snapping through all of them in the shape of a foolish boy who asked too many questions and never knew the right thing to say, a boy who wasn't Sasuke.
He feels nothing and it kills her.
Sometimes when she offers to trim his hair for him on missions, on the days when he isn't being overly rude, on the days when he is quiet… on those days, she is reminded so much of Sasuke that she loses herself.
She loses herself, drowning not in his eyes, but in memories of the boy from her childhood. Sai is just the shell of a person, full of nothing. (Nothing nothing nothing.) She wants to fill him up. She wants him to join her in drowning. She wants him to choke and cough and sputter and gasp for air, gasp like she did whenever Sasuke truly smiled. (You fake your smile. What's wrong with you? You're not him. I hate you. I love you. I love him. you're not him.)
He feels nothing when she kisses him, mumbling, "Sasuke-kun, you're back," or "Sasuke-kun, you're here."
He feels nothing when she cuts his hair like Ino did for her as Sasuke watched. He feels nothing when she smiles (he doesn't smile like I do. He doesn't smile like Sasuke once did. It's not my Sasuke-kun; you're not Sasuke. Not him not him not him.) at him, the smile reserved only for him.
She gives him her smiles, her words, her skills as a medic—not to mention skills as his hairdresser—and her kisses, her friendship.
He throws her words away…they don't slip past his façade. He feels nothing.
His hands are warm when she grabs them (Sasuke-kun and I are finally holding hands), but his hands really aren't anything like Sasuke's. Sai has feminine hands; his fingers are too long and bony.
And he doesn't feel her holding his hand. He feels nothing.
(You're not him you're not him you're not him. Sasuke was cold all the time. You're not him. His hands were shaped differently and you're not him. I hate you. Why aren't you him?Why aren't you him… there's something wrong with you, why can't you be him?)
"Sai," she says one day. (Sasuke.)
And he frowns. He frowns because he knows what she is thinking, and thinks of how every time he is near her she plays with his hair and tells him to grow it out and let it get spiky (spiky like Sasuke's. Let me play with your hair, Sasuke-kun.), but then she cuts it anyways, just to be near him.
He frowns because he knows that she wants him to be Sasuke, that she won't accept him as anything else.
He frowns because they're failing eachother, since he wants her to be someone else too. He wants her to be his girlfriend, his dedicated lover, and his friend who knows nobody of the name Sasuke.
Sai frowns because she was wrong, and he feels something.
Jealousy.
Author's Notes: I just love the SSS love triangle.
TBC.