Disclaimer: I own very little.
A/N: This is simple and pure crack with lots of OOCness. I do not, I repeat, I do NOT support underage drinking. It is illegal and a very, very bad idea indeed. If anything, this story is supposed to illustrate the fact that such activities rarely lead to anything you'll be proud of the next day – not that I expect anybody to take it seriously, of course. XP
Why Fuji Ran 200 Laps
Whoever spiked the punch at their Nationals championship celebration, they would never know for sure. The public opinion declared Fuji guilty, and the fact that he had been sipping sake most of the time somewhat hinted that he was indeed the one responsible for getting alcohol in the supposedly non-alcoholic drink. It didn't really matter, though – after all, the worst had already happened.
They'd already managed to both taste the punch and realize it probably had something extra in it by the time the Golden Pair finally arrived. This was something of a surprise, as Oishi never was late if he only could help it – and no pregnant ladies were nearby –, but they all assumed Eiji was the reason for this lateness. Unfair though this assumption may have been to the redhead, it was also, most likely, true.
"Hey, Eiji-senpai, Oishi-senpai!" Momoshiro grinned as he called out to him. "Come here and taste this. It's great, it's totally great!"
Curious as ever, Eiji bounced closer to take a look at the drink Momoshiro was offering to him. The next moment he was giggling, clinging to Oishi. "Ooooishi, this stuff is really good!" he announced. "You should try it too! Hey, see!" he then said, grinning as he started making swimming-like motions, waving his arms in the air. "I'm not a cat, I'm a little fish! Blb-blb!"
"Woah," Momoshiro said, his eyes wide. "He's not even touched the glass yet, has he?"
Oishi sighed. "This is so bad an idea I can't even begin to say it," he muttered.
"Nya, Oishi's no fun!" Eiji complained. "If I'm a good little fish, will you let me live in your aquarium, Oishi? I promise not to eat any of the other fish! I'm not a cat anymore!"
"Kikumaru gets drunk from the mere scent of an alcoholic drink," Inui muttered, scribbling furiously in his notebook. "Ii data."
"How exactly is this 'ii data?'" Oishi asked. "This is bad! Somebody has put something in that and we don't even know what it is or how much there is of it! What if somebody gets an alcohol poisoning or something? Oh, this can't end well!"
"Is there a problem, Oishi?" Tezuka had appeared to his side. "If you are referring to the drink, while I definitely do not disapprove of such actions, I have to say it could be worse. Whatever has been put there, it can't be strong enough to cause any damage. "
"Captain's already drunk at least five glasses," Echizen commented dryly, "and it hasn't affected him in any way. Of course," he then added thoughtfully, "it might be simply because he is the captain..."
"Tezuka's alcohol tolerance is remarkable," Inui said now, still scribbling. "Ii data." He accepted the glass put into his hand by Momo, sipping at it as though not noticing it even as he continued writing in the notebook currently resting in his lap. Whenever somebody got close enough to steal a look, he would close the notebook or shield it with his hand, as though he wasn't all the time murmuring aloud whatever he was writing down.
"Where is everybody?" Oishi then asked worriedly, glancing around to make sure everybody was all right. "Fuji's sitting there, Tezuka and Echizen are here, Momo is bugging Kaidoh in the corner, Inui's writing, Eiji is walking on his hands... Ah! Where's Taka-san? Or has he not arrived yet?"
"He drank while holding a racquet and probably got a bit too much," Echizen told him. "When he let go of the racquet, he immediately retired to sleep. See that couch that seems to be snoring? He's right behind it."
"Oh," Oishi sighed, apparently relieved that nobody was missing. The fact that his doubles partner had apparently forgotten what feet were for wasn't much of a concern to him. Then, he blinked. "Echizen? You haven't drunk that stuff, have you?"
"Me? Oh, no," replied the younger boy, tugging his cap lower. "I'm not stupid enough for that."
"Whaaaat? Ochibi hasn't tasted it?" Apparently Eiji's memory soon returned as far as the proper function of legs was concerned, as the next moment he leapt through the air with all the strength his legs possessed, knocking Echizen over. "Fujikooo, we must correct this, we must! He doesn't know what he's missing!"
"Indeed," Fuji said with a too-friendly smile that bordered on sadistic as he wandered closer. "Can't let little Echizen-kun miss out on the fun, can we?"
"What? No! Don't even think about it!" Echizen shouted. "I'm not about to drink that!" However, he had little hope as far as escaping was concerned. Eiji was currently straddling him, holding his arms down. Slight though the acrobatic player may have appeared, one couldn't play tennis at their level – or, indeed, move like he did – if there was no muscle to execute the commands of the brain. Therefore, given their difference in size, Eiji managed very well to hold Echizen down while Fuji got a few glasses of the drink.
"Oishi-senpai!" Echizen shouted now in near desperation, apparently entirely forgetting that he was supposed to stay calm and regard anything activity other than dry comments as childish. "Captain! Inui-senpai, Momo-senpai! Somebody stop them!" Momo, however, simply laughed at his predicament, while Inui was too busy writing down data to help him. Oishi and the captain had come to the conclusion they should check that Taka-san was indeed sleeping and not, for example, passed out and about to choke in his own vomit. This was rather improbable, given how little Taka-san had actually consumed of the alcohol, but Oishi's worrying knew no bounds.
Thus there was nobody to help Echizen in his agony. He refused to open his mouth again despite the older boys' coaxing, but then Fuji cleverly took a hold of his nose. As he gasped for air, the genius poured a glass into his mouth, forcing him to swallow if he didn't want to choke.
"This is unfair!" Echizen wailed as he was finally released. "Two senpais ganging up on a younger student. You should be ashamed of yourself!"
"Oh, we are very ashamed indeed," Fuji cackled, not appearing ashamed in the slightest. "Come on, now, Echizen. It was only three glasses. By now Momoshiro's slipped more to Inui in-between his notes."
"But Inui-senpai has some more mass to deal with it," Echizen muttered. "I hate you both!"
"Uwaaa, Ochibi hates me!" Eiji burst into rather dramatic tears. "Nya, I don't want Ochibi to hate me! It was just a joke, Ochibi, forgive me! I just wanted you to have fun, too!" With this he flung himself at Echizen again, knocking down the boy who had just got himself up into a sitting position. Instead of straddling him again, however, Eiji simply clung to his neck, wailing pitifully.
Now the others realized Echizen was wailing too, repeating "Unfair! Unfair!" all the time. Inui adjusted his glasses, looking down at his notebook.
"Echizen is an emotional drunk," he muttered, writing this down. "Ii data."
When Eiji finally released Echizen, going to cling on Oishi and beg for reassurement that he was, indeed, loved despite Echizen's cruel declaration, the younger boy sprang to his feet. "I hate you all!" he wailed. "None of you would help me even though I asked!" He glanecd around and spotted a solitary figure in a corner trying its very best to make itself as hard to notice as possible. "Kaidoh-senpai!" he shouted, running to the other boy. "You're not against me, are you?"
Kaidoh hissed warily as Echizen rushed to him. He'd thankfully managed to escape the drink – not that he was about to mention that aloud, especially after the display with Echizen – and was now wondering just how to slip away with the least noticeable and rude way possible. Of course, Momoshiro came to him regularly to bug him, but that was not important – Momoshiro bugged him all the time no matter what he did. His grand plan of Not Being Noticed did not include overly emotional kouhais suddenly running to him and wailing for his approval.
"...I guess not," he finally said, uneasy at the other's teary-eyed gaze. Oh, what he would have given to simply go home, forget any of this ever happened, and never heard of it afterwards, either. Of course, he knew that none of these were possible at the moment. Any attempt to leave now that Echizen had drawn everyone's attention to him would be punished by several senpais dragging him back and, quite possibly, trying to get him drunk as well.
"Waaaahh!" Suddenly there were thin arms hugging him and a short, lithe boy pressed far too tightly against him. "I love you, Kaidoh-senpai!"
There was a sound of shattering glass. This thankfully diverted everyone's attention from Kaidoh's fierce blush as they turned to look at Inui. The data player had stood up, the glass that had a moment before been in his hand now broken on the floor.
"I would appreciate," Inui said with his coldest tone – well, as cold at it could be with the slight slur in it; Momoshiro's sneaky drink-offering campaign had born fruit –, "if you would kindly separate yourself from Kaidoh, Echizen. Otherwise, there is a eighti – eihgt – eigth –" he paused for a while, then tried again, "there is a pretty damn high chance I will hit you."
Kaidoh would have felt quite a lot more grateful for this interference if he hadn't had a bad feeling about the motives behind it. While Echizen indeed let go of him with the most un-Echizen-like pout ever, Inui was slowly approaching, a strange expression on his face. Although Kaidoh usually could read his senpai fairly well, he had no idea what this expression meant. He doubted it was anything good, though.
Inui, meanwhile, was furious. How dare Echizen not only touch Kaidoh but also make such a declaration! Did the idiotic boy not realize just how sensitive Kaidoh was? Such a sudden confession might confuse him very badly, and that was a possibility he could not afford. A confused Kaidoh, while adorable, was not good. Not when he was doing his best to make Kaidoh finally realize just who he should be interested in.
Inui adjusted his glasses. Now, how could he not have noticed this before? He'd thought there was only one Kaidoh, but now that he looked closer, there were in fact three of them. This was most definitely good data. Three Kaidohs were three times better than just one. He could give one to Momoshiro – they were always talking to each other, and even though half of it was fighting, it had to mean Momoshiro was interested in Kaidoh, which Inui didn't like at all –, one to Echizen, who apparently would like it, and keep one all to himself. ...Or perhaps he could keep them all just to himself. Yes, that would be very good.
Now, he would only have to decide which Kaidoh he should talk to first.
"Inui-senpai is mean!" Echizen complained while Inui kept approaching the very wary Kaidoh (who was, despite Inui's current data, still just one person). "He just wants Kaidoh-senpai all to himself!"
"There, there, Echizen," Fuji said, apparently very amused at the situation. "Inui is just being selfish. You must forgive him; only children are not good at sharing."
"Exactly," muttered Echizen tearily, apparently forgetting entirely that he was – for most of his life, anyway – an only child as well. Taking one look at the smiling genius, he then flung himself at Fuji. "I love you, Fuji-senpai!" he announced loudly.
Again, the sound of shattering glass startled them, this time courtesy of Tezuka. The captain, however, did not say anything. He simply strode up to the two shortest members of the team, grasped on Echizen, and rather forcefully tore him away from Fuji. Standing between the two, he then glared down at Echizen.
"Stop bugging others, Echizen," he said sharply. "It is not appropriate."
"Buchou's selfish, too," muttered Echizen, tugging his cap lower. "And Inui-senpai's selfish of Kaidoh-senpai and Eiji-senpai and Oishi-senpai are selfish of each other. Oh!" he then said, sounding happy. "I know somebody nobody will be selfish of!" And with this, he ran to the semi-surprised Momo. "Momo-senpaiiii!" he shouted, hugging the older boy tightly. "I love you!"
Momo blinked, then grinned. "Does this mean you'll treat me?" he asked hopefully.
Echizen glared up at him, letting go. "Nooo. Momo-senpai's selfish of himself!" he complained, turning away in a huff.
"Aw, damn." Momoshiro grinned. Apparently now that everybody was drunk – well, aside from Kaidoh, who was more than well occupied by trying to fend off Inui – he had nothing to do. As this was Momo, however, this state of affairs could not last for long. "It's kind of quiet in here, isn't it? Hey, I know! I'll sing you something!"
Momo was, apparently, not a very good singer while drunk. Nobody thought to protest, though. Eiji in fact joined in on the song, the lyrics being rather inappropriate and causing Oishi to fret, not that it surprised anyone. Tezuka seemed to be busy with keeping Fuji from causing trouble to anyone else, while Kaidoh and Inui were busy with each other – though both with rather different goals. Taka-san, naturally, continued snoring.
In the corner, Echizen was giggling at a little potted plant, petting it with genuine affection. "I love you, pretty plant," he said.
It was later somewhat unanimously agreed that the championship celebration should never, ever be mentioned under any circumstances.