One day the cats of ThunderClan woke up to find themselves in a mall.
Squirrelflight: What are we doing here?
Cloudtail: Who cares? It looks cool.
(The warriors gathered around a shelf filled with spreads)
Firestar: I should have the honey!
Clan cats: Yay! Honey!
Dustpelt: Why do you get it?
Firestar: Because I'm your leader! I deserve it!
Ashfur: But I need it to get over Squirrelflight!
Brambleclaw: Oh, please. She was going to leave you any way.
Ashfur: WHAT?!
Hazelkit: I'm a tiny kit! I need it to grow.
Cloudtail: Give it up, you're going to be apprenticed tomorrow.
Longtail: Instead of honey, I'm getting chocolate!
Clan cats: Yay! Chocolate! (rushes to get chocolate)
Ashfur: Forget the honey, I'm getting ice-cream. (takes double choc-chip cookie dough swirl ice-cream from freezer and starts eating it)
Squirrelflight: ASHFUR HAS ICE-CREAM!
Clan cats: Yay! Ice-cream!
Squirrelflight: Geez, you're getting on my nerves.
Clan cats: Yay! We're getting on Squirrelflight's nerves!
Squirrelflight: Grrr…
Stormfur: Brook…
Brook: No
Stormfur: But I really want Mr Duckie! (pats fluffy toy duck)
Brook: (rolls eyes) Why did I ever leave the Tribe?
Squirrelflight: I'm with you, sister.
Clan cats: Yay! Sister!
Squirrelflight: (bangs head against wall)
Leafpool: (talking to Ashfur) When he left it was just… so sad! (bursts into tears)
Ashfur: (pats her on shoulder) There, there dear. Have some ice-cream.
Leafpool: (wipes away tears) Really?
Ashfur: NO! FOOLED YA! (laughs insanely)
Brambleclaw: seeing as though I'm deputy and all, we're now going to Toys 'R' Us!
Clan cats: Yay! Toys 'R' Us!
(cats walk into Toys 'R' Us)
Clan cats: Ooh, pretty. (run off in opposite directions)
Hazelkit: (plays Barbies with Honeykit and Poppykit) You have to be flirtatious, but not too eager.
Cloudtail: Where'd she learn that from?
Brightheart: (looks evilly at Daisy)
Daisy: (whistles innocently)
Cinderkit: Mummy, mummy, I want one of those! (points at doctor dress-up set)
Sorreltail: Okay, darling
Dustpelt: (puts down picture book) That was so beautiful! (bursts into tears)
Ferncloud: Little Red Riding Hood?
Dustpelt: Can't you see how much the wolf loved her?
Ferncloud: Umm… no.
Rainwhisker: (stares at TV)
TV: Cats do not like water…
Rainwhisker: RiverClan does! (switches channels)
TV: (plays Star Wars theme tune)
Rainwhisker: Cool!
Stormfur: Here's a friend for you, Mr Duckie! (smiles up at gigantic toy duck)
Spiderleg: (sings while jumping on trampoline) I believe I can fly, I believe I can - (crunches into ceiling)
Firestar: (presses button on toy)
Toy: Can we fix it?
Firestar: Yes we can!
Leafpool: (plays Operation with Cinderkit) No, remove the funny bone first! It's easiest.
Cinderkit: (presses toy stethoscope to game) Why does he beep if you touch the metal bits?
Leafpool: He's in pain!
Cinderkit: (jabs Leafpool with needle)
Leafpool: Ow! (runs off to cry)
Cinderkit: Wow, you're right!
Ashfur: (singing on karaoke machine) All by myself… Don't wanna be, all by myself… anymore…
Rainwhisker: Shut up!
TV: Luke Skywalker, use the force.
Rainwhisker: Use the force!
Ashfur: Huh?
Rainwhisker: Use the force!
Thornclaw: (wearing Darth Vader mask and carrying light sabre) Die, Luke Rainwhisker!
Rainwhisker: Use the force! (grabs light sabre and battles Thornclaw)
Hazelkit: Time to put your new skills to the test, girls. Honeykit can go first.
Honeykit: (walks up to Mousekit) Hi, Mousekit (flutters eyelashes)
Mousekit: Hi (goes back to playing with toy cars)
Honeykit: It didn't work! I'm doomed to remain single for the rest of my life! (bursts into tears)
Mousekit: Umm.. Oh, whatever. (walks off)
Daisy: (rushes over to Honeykit) Oh honey, you did it wrong. Watch this. (walks over to Cloudtail) Hey, Cloudtail.
Cloudtail: Why hello, Daisy.
Daisy: (flutters eyelashes) So, I was thinking maybe we could get a coffee or something later?
Cloudtail: Sure thing.
Honeykit: (to Poppykit) Wow, she is good.
Brackenfur: I am Firestar's deputy's deputy.
Sandstorm: Never heard of it.
Brackenfur: I know, I just made it up. (looks smug)
Sorreltail: How clever, sweetie.
Brackenfur: And as Firestar's deputy's deputy, I say we go to the food court.
Clan cats: Yay! The food court!
Squirrelflight: (resumes banging head on wall) I - thought - they'd - stopped - saying - that!
Daisy: So Cloudtail, how about that coffee?
Cloudtail: And a doughnut?
Daisy: One of those nice sugar ones.
Brackenfur: (talking to kits) What do you want?
Brackenfur's kits: MCDONALDS!!!
Clan cats: Yay! McDonalds!
Brambleclaw: Happy meals for everyone! (throws them to the Clan)
Molekit: (gets knocked out because a Happy Meal hit his head)
Berrykit: (eats Molekit's Happy Meal)
Mousefur: HA! I got that toy duck you wanted, Stormfur!
Stormfur: Want duckie!
Mousefur: My duckie now! (evil laugh)
Brook: Here sweetie, you can have mine.
Stormfur: Hurray!
Rainwhisker: (looks through toys) Where's the light sabre?
Thornclaw: (stands on table) I have an announcement to make! There is only room for one Star Wars fan here, and that's Rainwhisker. (everyone looks at Rainwhisker)
Rainwhisker: How do you turn this (she-cats cover kits' ears) light sabre on?!
Thornclaw: So I will be a Harry Potter fan! (puts on specs and draws a scar on forehead)
Clan cats: Yay! Harry Potter!
Ashfur: Then I will be a Doctor Who fan! (dresses up as the Doctor) Ta-dah!
Clan cats: Yay! Doctor Who! (start singing theme tune) Whooo hoooo-ooh, whooo-hoo-hooh…
Squirrelflight: I am surrounded by idiots.
Ashfur: You can be my companion, to travel with me through time and space, my dear Squirrelflight.
Squirrelflight: Hell no!
Ashfur: (shrugs) Worth a try. Come, K-9!
Toy K-9: (sits still)
Ashfur: Doesn't anybody love me?
Ferncloud: Well, you are my brother…
Rainwhisker: It works! (laughs insanely while holding light sabre above his head) Now I can use the force!
Clan cats: Yay! Use the force!
Sandstorm: Let's go clothes shopping!
She-cats: Yay! Clothes shopping! (stares fiercely at toms)
Toms: (muttering) Yay, clothes shopping.
Birchpaw: Let's go on the Merry-Go-Round!
Toms: (back to normal) Yay! The Merry-Go-Round!
Sandstorm: See you later, guys!
Spiderleg: I bags the rocket!
Ashfur: Same here! Then I can travel through time and space like the doctor!
Brambleclaw: You have no companion.
Ashfur: True, but…
Rainwhisker: I'm going on a rocket too!
Longtail: So am I!
Firestar: I bags the bulldozer!
(All the toms get on the roundabout. Fairground music starts)
Ashfur: (switches music)
Toms: (sing Doctor Who theme tune) Whooo hoooo-ooh, whooo-hoo-hooh…
Rainwhisker: (switches music)
Toms: (sing Star Wars theme tune) Da-da, da da da da, dum…
Rainwhisker: (holds light sabre above his head) Use the force!
Berrykit: Which force?
Longtail: The force of chocolate!
Firestar: And fixing! (switches music)
Toms: Bob the builder…
Firestar: Can we fix it?
Spiderleg: Bob the builder…
Toms: Yes we can!
(meanwhile, at some clothes shop…)
Brightheart: OMG! Those jeans are like, just my size!
Brook: I have to get this T-shirt, it goes so well with my eyes.
Daisy: AWESOME!!! All shoes are, like, half-price!
She-cats: Yay! Half-price shoes!
Whitepaw and Hazelkit: (fight over skirt)
Whitepaw: Mine!
Hazelkit: Mine!
Whitepaw: Mine!
Hazelkit: Mine!
Squirrelflight: (groans) I wish I'd gone with the toms…
(back to toms on roundabout)
Dustpelt: (through gritted teeth) This is the FORTEENTH time we've gone on this.
Mousekit: (yawns) I'm bored.
Thornclaw: (sleeps)
Birchpaw: At least some of us are still enjoying it….
Longtail, Rainwhisker, Ashfur, Spiderleg: And up… and down… and up… and down…
Cloudtail: That's it, I'm off. (stops machine)
Longtail, Rainwhisker, Ashfur, Spiderleg: And up… and… hey, we're not going down!
Berrykit: Finally!
Brambleclaw: Wake up! (prods Thornclaw)
Thornclaw: (sleep-talking) Oh yeah baby, that's right…
Brambleclaw: (widens eyes and moves far away)
Brackenfur: Hey, look! It's Harry Potter Book 7!
Thornclaw: (wakes up) Yay! Harry Potter Book 7! (runs off into the distance)
Cloudtail: Good move, Brackenfur.
Brackenfur: Thanks, Cloudy.
Cloudtail: Don't call me Cloudy! (beats Brackenfur up)
Wolf with panther eyes: (wakes up) That's the last time I eat cheese before bed! (looks thoughtful) It would make a great story, though…
AND YOU'VE JUST FINISHED READING IT!!!