Devil is Live: Weasel Gambit

By TwinEnigma

Standard Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto or its characters, nor do I own the locations of Ah My Goddess. This fanfic, however, is the product of my warped brain.

Warnings for: Alternate Universe, Language, Violence, Crossover.

"Nekomi City at last!" exclaimed a tall, blue-haired man, dropping his duffel on the sidewalk next to him and stretching his tanned arms over his head with a wide grin. He was all angles with a square jaw and high cheekbones, and dressed in somewhat battered and sun-bleached clothing. Thin tribal-style tattoos adorned each of his cheekbones, faintly resembling the gills of a shark.

His companion, a dark-haired, decidedly weary-looking man of medium height, scowled slightly and shifted his own duffel against his shoulder. "Don't celebrate just yet, Kisame. We've still got a ways to go."

"Ah, that's right," the taller man said, bringing his arms down, now free of the cramps of travel caused by forcing himself into transportation meant for persons almost a foot shorter than him. He stooped slightly, slinging his duffel up and over his shoulder, and the pair started walking, the smaller man in the lead.

Nekomi City wasn't any different from other university-reliant cities on the surface – a city within a city, surrounding the beating heart that was Nekomi Institute of Technology – though the travelers noted an extraordinarily large number of mechanically natured shops, repair services and automotive parts suppliers on their walk, fitting with the engineering nature of the institution. Their current route had them skirting the edge of the main campus as they made their way across town and brought them past several rowdy dormitories and carry-out restaurants.

"Itachi-san, are you sure this is the right way?" Kisame asked, after they'd passed a yet another custom parts shop.

The shorter man merely ignored him and continued on, turning the corner.

Sighing and not desiring to be left behind in the unfamiliar city, Kisame hurried after his companion, easily catching up to him. "How long has it been since you've seen your brother anyway, Itachi-san?"

"Four years," the shorter man replied. His dark eyes remained fixed on the road ahead though, scanning for the next road sign, and the taller man supposed his companion had spent the entire bus ride from the port memorizing the directions. It was something that Itachi, ever focused and attentive to detail, would do.

Kisame whistled in surprise. "Four years is a long time. Are you sure he'll let us crash at his place?"

"He's my brother," Itachi said, shooting him a glance. "He owes me –"

There was a soft thump and a startled cry of "Oh!" as the normally well-coordinated Itachi Uchiha collided with a woman exiting from the corner market and stumbled. Quick as lighting, he had regained his balance and his free arm shot out, catching the package that had fallen from one of the woman's bags.

"Pardon me, miss, I was not watching where I was going," Itachi said automatically, holding out the package as he straightened to his full height. He then blinked in surprise.

The woman was undoubtedly the oddest-looking woman he'd seen in several years, possessing pale pink hair, bright green eyes and a series of small, pale purple tattoos on her face, two of which were shaped like tomoe. Her clothes were relatively plain in comparison, though, which seemed completely at odds with the club-hopping the dyed hair and curious tattoos implied. Then again, it might be a new trend – he hadn't been in this country in four years and the hell if he knew what sort of odd things local party goers came up with these days.

"Shumimasen," the woman said, bowing her head as she was unable to bow further for fear of spilling the contents of her grocery bags. "I should have been more careful."

Kisame, ever the consummate gentlemen, decided it was high time to step in for his verbally reticent companion. "Would you like some help with those bags, miss?"

She stared at him a moment, searching his face, and then nodded, allowing him to relieve her of one of the bags.

Itachi, reluctantly, followed his companion's cue and also offered to hold the other bag for her. She scrutinized his face as well, taking the package from him with her free hand and allowing him to take the heavier grocery bag from her.

"You look familiar, somehow," she said, finally. "Both of you do."

Kisame chuckled, "I think I'd have remembered a pretty girl like you, miss." He then shifted the grocery bag to his other hand for a moment and held it out to her, "Oh! I'm Kisame Hoshigaki, by the way! And this is my friend, Itachi Uchiha!"

Already, the taller man had that old familiar feeling that as soon as they were out of earshot of the pink-haired woman, his less-than-amused companion would be kicking the living snot out of him. In fact, he could almost feel the death glare the shorter man was aiming at him.

"Uchiha? Ah, what a coincidence! I share an apartment with a Sasuke Uchiha!" the woman exclaimed, smiling warmly as she turned to examine Itachi's face again. "I thought you looked familiar! You must be his older brother! You and he look a lot alike."

Itachi was momentarily taken aback by this, but Kisame was oblivious to his companion's discomfort, already grinning and saying, "Ah! How fortuitous that we should run into each other, miss! Don't you think so, Itachi? Say, miss, what's your name?"

"It's Sakura," she said, smiling warmly. "Just... Sakura."

The apartment building was only a short walk away from the corner market, perched on the hilly outmost edge of the city. It was a medium-sized, two-level building a short distance from a Buddhist temple, the gates of which were only just visible from the front door of the apartment. Several well-kept motorcycles and bicycles were chained in a tidy row to the left of the apartment entrance.

Itachi took it all in silently, committing it to memory. "Kakashi-san must have helped him," he thought, making note to again thank the older man for all his assistance over the years since the fire that destroyed the Uchiha family. Sasuke couldn't have picked this place by himself, that much was certain – the brat was rather narrow-minded at times and stubborn, so would probably have focused only on obtaining a place that exactly met his requirements, instead of something more realistic. No, it was more likely that Kakashi-san had located the apartment, as their former caretaker was far more flexible and had an uncanny knowledge of how to go about getting what was needed.

A sudden sweeping chill spread through Itachi's bones, and he tensed, discreetly scanning the area again with his eyes. There was nothing suspicious there, but he didn't relax yet. Something felt off and, though he couldn't place it, the unnerving sensation remained.

"Itachi-san," Sakura's voice sounded close to his ear. He whirled, his head snapping around, only to realize that the strange woman was standing several feet away, next to the now open door. She smiled, "It's just this way."

Again, Itachi felt the disquieting sensation that something wasn't right, but quickly dismissed it. He must have been imagining things. This was his brother's apartment building, not some warehouse by the docks in one of the many cities he'd been in on a job. No gangs or thugs lurked around the corners here – this was as far from the underworld of society as he could get. Shaking his head, he moved to follow the strange pink-haired woman and his partner into the building.

Itachi noted that Sasuke's apartment was at the end of the narrow second floor hallway, nearest the side of the building facing the street, and almost immediately gave a half-sigh of annoyance: he didn't need to case the building layout! Had the need to do so really become so ingrained into his behavior? "Stupid question," he mentally chastised himself. Of course, it had. He couldn't have survived this long in Akatsuki if it hadn't.

Sakura turned the keys in the lock and opened the door, entering and calling out "Tadaima!" As soon as they had entered, she shut the door and took the groceries from them so they could slip out of their shoes.

Itachi was about to offer to hold the groceries so the woman could take off her boots, but stopped when he noticed that she was now sporting a pair of slippers on her feet and the boots in question were standing neatly next to the door. He blinked in confusion: he hadn't seen her take the boots off at all. "Must be more tired from the trip than I thought," he mentally noted, sighing wearily as he put down his duffel. Yes, that was it – he was just tired and must have blanked out for a minute.

"Yo, you're late," an unfamiliar male voice said, drawing the attention of both Itachi and Kisame. The speaker was a gangly blond that looked about Sasuke's age, who lingered in the doorway to another room, chopsticks and a cup of instant ramen in hand. Three thin red slash-shaped tattoos adorned each side of the boy's face and Itachi could see the edges of another red tattoo on his forehead just barely concealed by locks of unkempt blond hair.

"Sorry, K-kun, I didn't remember what flavor you liked and then I ran into Sasuke's brother and his friend outside the market," Sakura said with a faint smile. "I couldn't let Itachi-san and Kisame-san lose their way."

The blond cocked his head to the side, looking at the two men, and finally nodded. "Sasuke's still asleep," he said, digging his chopsticks into the ramen and walking over to the table to sit down.

"He's been sick," Sakura explained, "Kyuubi-kun and I have been taking turns watching over him."

Itachi raised an eyebrow as he looked at the blond, idly wondering what sort of twisted people would name their kid something like that. Meanwhile, the pink-haired woman had disappeared into the other room – presumably the apartment's kitchen – with the groceries. He could dimly hear her unpacking the bags through the door.

"Got a problem?" the blond asked, staring right back at Itachi.

Kisame, looking rather uncomfortable, answered with a nervous chuckle: "I was actually wondering where the bathroom was? It's been a long walk..."

Kyuubi's blue eyes shifted away from Itachi to regard his taller companion momentarily and then lowered, apparently not finding whatever he had been looking for. The blond shrugged, picking up some noodles with his chopsticks: "It's through the kitchen. You can't miss it."

With a look of profound relief, Kisame hurried off through the door that Sakura had entered just moments earlier. Given the size of the apartment and what Kisame's question had revealed about the layout, it that meant the only other visible door in the apartment led to the room where Sasuke must be resting.

"So, what brings you to Nekomi, Itachi-san?" the blond asked quite bluntly. "I was under the impression that you and Sasuke had a bit of a falling out."

Itachi scowled, balling his hands into fists at his side. "That doesn't involve you, brat. That is between brothers."

Kyuubi gave him a speculative look, as though to say 'is that so', and then deliberately returned his attention to his meal. The dismissal was as irritating as it was blatantly obvious and, idly, Itachi wondered how many of the boy's fingers he'd have broken if this had been one of Leader's business deals.

The door to the other room slid open, revealing the form of a rather disoriented Sasuke. He looked visibly ill, dark rings under his eyes and skin flushed with a noticeable sheen of sweat.

"About time you woke up," the blond groused, picking at his noodles again. "I was beginning to wonder if you'd ever come round."

Sasuke winced, pressing a hand to his temple, and managed a querying "Dobe?"

"It's Kyuubi. Get it right, teme," the blond shot back.

"Kyuubi!" Sasuke's eyes instantly widened, now fully alert as his hand shot behind his back to reach for a weapon that was not there – Itachi would have recognized that movement anywhere. Sasuke paled slightly, realizing whatever it was he'd been reaching for was absent.

The feeling of something being very wrong returned to Itachi full force as he watched his brother – his nerdy, bookish, compulsive gear-head of a brother – slip his body into a fighting stance that he'd only ever seen used with hardened professional killers like himself when they were backed into a corner without a weapon. Not willing to take any chances, Itachi put a hand inside his jacket to rest on the gun he'd concealed there and then spoke: "Little brother, what's going on? I thought this was your roommate."

Sasuke's head immediately jerked in his direction, eyes widening in surprise and then narrowing with barely concealed rage. His hands shot forward, quickly flipping through a series of shapes and, with a cry of rage, Sasuke launched towards his older brother, one hand upraised.

"What the...?" Itachi immediately started to take a step back into a defensive stance and raise his hand to block, only to have Sakura step in front of him, effectively blocking his brother's path. The pink haired woman easily caught Sasuke by the wrist and twisted, an audible crack turning the younger man's angry howl into a shriek of pain.

Kisame burst out of the other room just in time to watch Sasuke drop to the floor, clutching a broken wrist. "What's going on? Did I miss something?" he asked, hastily drawing a knife from his boot.

"I don't know," Itachi answered, drawing his gun and checking to see that a round was in the chamber. "But one of you will tell me what the fuck is going on!"

Sasuke, hissing and growling like some sort of animal, attempted to lunge at him again. "BASTARD!"

Again, Sakura intercepted him and this time, Sasuke landed with a heavy thud against the wall, cracking the plaster. "I would not advise attempting that again, Sasuke-kun," she said, her voice devoid of any warmth it had held previously. "You will fail."

Sasuke snarled, trying to gather himself again, and spat back at her, "Why the hell are you protecting him? What the fuck is wrong with you?"

Itachi scowled, placing his gun to the back of the woman's head. "What's wrong with my brother?"

"This is not your brother," Sakura replied, flatly, her eyes never leaving the younger Uchiha on the floor. "Itachi Uchiha, gangster and mercenary of Saitama Prefecture, meet Sasuke Uchiha, a former shinobi of Konohagakure no Sato and the current tenant of your brother's body. Your brother has been switched with him, leaving the Sasuke of that world here, far from the world he knows."

"Say what?" Kisame managed, blinking in confusion; Itachi was just as confused, though he refrained from saying anything.

Sasuke, however, narrowed his eyes at the pink haired woman and spat, "You lie! This is genjustu! I don't know how you've managed to suppress the Sharingan, but as soon as I break the seal, I'll fucking kill you!"

At that, Kyuubi burst out laughing, a mocking and cruel laugh that seemed to lower the temperature in the room by several degrees.

Itachi immediately pivoted his gun to aim at the blond man's head, as a gut-wrenching chill went down his spine. Every shred of instinct he'd trained into himself over the years was telling him he was in way over his head and should run as fast as he could away from here.

"This is not a genjutsu, Sasuke. There is no seal for you to break," Kyuubi said, drawing to his feet with a lazy predatory grace. The blond man shot out his right hand and gripped the gun by the barrel, wrenching his hand in a forward motion to crush the barrel completely as if it were little more than cardboard. His wicked smile grew wider, revealing pointed canines, and then Itachi's world erupted in bright, white hot pain.

What seemed like an eternity later, the older Uchiha hit the floor, muscles still twitching from the violent electricity that had coursed through his body mere seconds earlier. The room now smelt strongly of burnt ozone and above him, the blond laughed, a grin of twisted satisfaction painting the tattooed face. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Itachi prayed that Kisame had the goddamn sense to grab Sasuke and run like all hell, but he was disappointed when he heard his partner's curse, the pounding of feet on the floor and then the terrible crackle as he, too, was hit with Kyuubi's strange attack.

"In this reality, you are weak. You lack the training and ability to be of any threat to us. There is no cursed seal for you to draw upon, much less your pitiable, deranged excuse for a team. Even your precious bloodline ability has been cut out of the picture," the blond continued, easily kicking the knife away from the prone, twitching form of the blue-haired gangster and stepping over him as if he were little more than a misplaced cushion. "And do you want to know why, Sasuke? Do you?"

Sasuke's jaw clenched, hate-filled eyes locked on the blond man.

"Because you wished for it," Kyuubi spat, bitter and mocking.

There was silence a moment and then the younger Uchiha's face cracked into a terrible smile. "That's insane. I have never desired anything as foolish as that. My only wish is to avenge my clan -!"

"Shut up, you bastard," the blond man cut him off with a snarl. "This – all of this is your fault!"

"My fault? My fault?" Sasuke repeated, his voice rising in anger as he jabbed a finger towards Itachi. "That bastard murdered my family! If anyone's to blame, it's him!"

The older Uchiha winced, groaning as he pulled himself into a fetal position on the floor. He couldn't have been talking about the fire, could he? How had Sasuke learned about that? No one was supposed to know. "Sorry... so sorry... accident – an accident," he rasped – god, what the hell did that Kyuubi freak do to him? It felt like he'd been run over by a bus. "Didn't mean to..."

Kyuubi, now growling in anger, suddenly fell silent as Sakura placed a hand on his arm.

"That is enough," she said, "I will take over for now."

The blond grunted, but stepped back, crossing his arms over his chest as the pink haired, freakishly strong woman moved to kneel in front of Sasuke.

"Heh, you know, of all the people I expected to try some elaborate stunt like this, I never suspected that you'd be one to allow it, Sakura. Not with the way you were," the younger Uchiha commented. "And yet, here you are."

"You assume much, nukenin," she responded flatly. "To begin with, you assume that I am Sakura Haruno, that he is Naruto Uzumaki and that we are here to take you back to Konoha. Nothing could be further from the truth. You are here because it was necessary to our plans to return home. Beyond that, you are of little use or consequence to us."

Sasuke narrowed his eyes at her. "I don't understand. You're not Sakura and Naruto?"

The pink-haired woman inclined her head, her reply terse: "I ceased to be that girl a long time ago because of you, just as he ceased to be that boy. We have only you and your arrogance to blame."

Sasuke looked as though he were about to say something, but he was cut off as the woman continued.

"Do you remember what you've done to us, Sasuke?" Sakura asked, her voice soft and mournful. "Do you remember making a wish?"

"I've made lots of wishes," the younger Uchiha mumbled, drawing his legs in towards his body. "I can't remember them all."

"Well, we remember this one," Kyuubi chose that moment to chime in, anger rolling off him in palpable waves. "You wished us into these forms... you wished away our dreams, our home, our futures!"

"That's not possible," Sasuke protested, shaking his head. "Wishes don't come true."

"They do, when you make the mistake of making them in front of a demon," Kyuubi grinned maliciously as he leaned in. "A mistake your counterpart in this world learned all too readily. I'm sure that by now he's realized that the price for his wish was far higher than he anticipated. I just wonder how long he'll last before the lack of your killing intent drives that berserker Juugo into slaughtering your precious little team Hebi."

A look of horrified recognition dawned on Sasuke's face. "This is revenge, isn't it?"

"Finally, he catches on," Sakura said with a malicious smile as she stood again. The small, pale purple marks on her face glowed eerily now.

"...You," Sasuke's voice wavered slightly. "You're not Sakura Haruno."

"I know," she said, the inhuman smile still gracing her lips.

Kyuubi's hand then plunged through Sasuke's chest and the world exploded with light.

AN: I am evil. Very evil for cliffing you like this.

Devil is Live inevitably spawned further plotbunny and this is the result. I tried to avoid using Japanese except for untranslatable terms, as per my usual standard. Itachi and Kisame in a normal (mostly) universe Akatsuki versus a very unusual version of Naruto (aka "K-kun" or Kyuubi) and Sakura. The Uchiha clan still died horribly in this universe and Itachi did have something to do with it, which is all I'll say for now. Yes, Sasuke in this universe is a nerdy gear-head - a mechanical engineer - but for what happened to him, you should read Devil is Live. Hehehe, as to what Sasuke wished for and why it would take away everything Naruto and Sakura cared for (as well as what the two of them have become), I'll leave that for the next chapter.