Aurora whisperwind: This fic is inspired by MisBehavin's The Meiji Journal and Barbara Sheridan's Mibu Times Dispatch and Umeko-san's marvellous The Japan bulletin.
Disclaimer: I do not own Bleach or any of its characters. It would have been a silly, overly fluffy shojou show if I did.
Articles
Hello to all the faithful readers of the Soul Society Snippets! Our staff, and I, Kunizaki Touya, my partner Kamio Minami bring to you an unbiased account of the various happenings in and around Soul society and the living world. We repeat; we are not a cheap gossip paper! We print the truth!!!! So will someone please stop Abarai fuku-taichou from trashing our offices for hinting he has a rather pink, fluffy secret in our last edition! It is true that he has a stuffed bunny rabbit called Bon-bon-chan. Anyway, getting to this weeks edition… which has been rather dull, by the way.
-Kunizaki Touya (currently off to dig more stuff about Abarai-san)
CHAPPY SHORTAGE
In a drastic development, the shortage of the very popular mascot 'Chappy the rabbit' endorsed products has been confirmed. Chappy dolls, Gikongan, make up, toiletries and even Umbrellas are gone! It's like there is a mad sadistic menace in our society who is hoarding them all! For his dark, evil purposes… little by little we'll fall into his trap… not knowing until it's too late… I, Kunizaki Touya solemnly swear to get to the bottom of this… even if it costs me my life, my happiness, even my love. ("Aaaww, Touya, I didn't know you cared so much!" "Shut up bitch, I was talking about my Rangiku-san plushie")
MENOS GRANDE ATTACK
At approximately 4:00 pm earth time yesterday, there was a suspicious gathering of hollows followed by the appearance of a Menos Grande in the small town of Karakura. However, instead of the general chaos, panic, death and destruction that should have ensued, all the hollows were taken care of and the Menos was seriously injured, report the secret mobile corps. The shinigami assigned to the town is Kuchiki Rukia, who has been missing for a while, but it is improbable that she could have won this battle on her own. As usual, the noble house of Kuchiki refuses to confirm or deny any news. Officials remain tight-lipped over the issue, although there are rumours galore. But as we have vowed never to encourage cheap, trashy gossip, all we ask is that our readers wait for an official statement.
By the way… does anyone know that Abarai-san has a crush on Kuchiki Rukia? Ooohh, wonder what Big brother Kuchiki-taichou thinks of this! Bwahahahahaha! ("Honestly Minami-san, is the evil laughter necessary?" "Butt out, will you! Abarai trashed my precious report on the alleged shoplifting of candy by Hitsugaya taichou…revenge is mine!")
ADVICE COLUMN
Hi there! It's me Mystery Matsu! Thank you for all the letters asking me for advice! Now, let's get to it…
Mystery Matsu,
My life sucks. My junior officer is an absolute moron who is ditzy and silly and drapes herself all over me all the time. All my colleagues are insane, excepting three, but one's an ice block, one a blind weirdo and another a crazy lady who pretends to be good and pure but is evil inside… on second thought, she's nuts too. I can't get anyone to respect me, just because I'm shor- er, small statured. But that doesn't bother me. At all. Got any advice?
Not-so-short.
Dear Not-so-short,
Oh you poor dear! You seem to be in deep denial, darling. Your height does seem to bother you. You can't help your colleagues, but remember to smile and brave through it. Don't worry though; I'm sure your junior officer can help. Why don't you clear things up with her tonight?
Yours sincerely,
Matsu-chan.
Dear Mystery Matsu,
I adore my junior officer, and use every possible occasion to show her what I feel. But she doesn't seem to feel the same way… is it because I dress kind of strange? Or because I drink a lot? Or neglect my duties sometimes… or glance at other women sometimes… is that bad?
Dispirited-Romeo.
Dear Dispirited-Romeo,
Yes, you are behaving badly. She's a woman for god's sake! She shouldn't be shown affection in such a crude way… be innovative. Surprise her. See how things will change. Hoping for the best,
Matsu-chan.
PERSONAL ADS
Mamma, where are you?
-Yuiichi-kun.
Well, that's it for today. Be back next edition!
Author notes: Well, I'm happy with it. I know it needs work. Let me know what you think of this. Read and review!