So yeah, I'm gonna try to start updating semi-regularly again. Here's that extra spontaneous idea I mentioned.
And just as a friendly reminder: references to plothole monster in the title mean plotholes in the story that are poorly disguised with humor. Meaning I'm too damn lazy to do more than half-assed research on any subject within the story. Anyway, enjoy.
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"So, why did you decide to hiking in Amestris again?" Chase asked Cameron as they hiked through the snow.
"Because I was bored, and it just seemed like a good idea," Cameron replied. "You didn't have to join me, you know."
"What, and leave you to the bears?" Chase joked. "But seriously, this has got to be one of the worst ideas you've ever had."
Cameron rolled her eyes and continued walking. "Well, looks like we're close to the top of this hill, so if you're dying, we can turn back after we get up there."
"Good. I'm sick of this."
Cameron ignored that comment as she got to the top. From there, she looked down at the valley in front of them, a vast expanse of white with the occasional pine tree. The mountains in the distance were breathtaking, and in the distance she could see a town. "Okay, Chase, you have to admit this is a pretty awesome view," she said as her coworker walked up beside her.
"Oh, yeah, it's great," Chase replied sarcastically. "Especially since we can see people who've probably been lost for days walking just below us."
Cameron looked down. Sure enough, there were two men walking side by side, one of which was carrying a red bundle on his back. They looked as if they hadn't shaved for days, and…
"Oh my god, that guy's got a mane," she said, pointing at the one with the red bundle.
Chase looked. "Yeah, and he's got… is that a snout?"
"I'm just going to assume they're chimeras. Hey!" Cameron shouted. "Are you guys okay?"
"What are you doing?" Chase hissed as the two turned and began walking up the hill. "They'll probably attack us now!"
Cameron ignored him as she walked down to meet the two. She couldn't be sure what it was, but something told her to meet them. "What are you doing out here?" she asked when they were within decent hearing range.
"I could ask you the same question," the lion man replied, though he seemed very uncomfortable.
"We're hiking," Cameron explained. It was then that she noticed the arms hanging over the lion man's shoulders, one automail, with a blade . "Do… you need help? I am a doctor."
The two exchanged glances before the lion man turned back to her. "Our companion was injured when an old mining tower collapsed, and we can't exactly draw attention to ourselves at the moment."
Cameron and Chase exchanged glances. "Why is that?" Chase asked.
"We've… had some problems with the military. That's actually how he was injured in the first place."
"I thought you said a tower collapsed," Chase pointed out.
"…It wasn't an accident."
"…Oh," Chase said. "Well… can we take a look?"
They gently placed the boy on the ground, and as she looked down at him, Cameron nearly kicked herself for not noticing it before.
"Hey… it's Ed," Chase said, sounding both surprised and concerned. Cameron nodded and unzipped Ed's red coat before pushing his shirt up, wincing when she saw the damage to Ed's side.
"How'd you stop the bleeding?" she asked in surprise. With this kind of injury, they would have had to bandage it.
"He used alchemy," the gorilla man said.
"That's right, he's got experience in that area," Chase remarked. "What happened?"
"He was impaled."
"He needs to be in a hospital," Cameron said as she pulled out the first aid kit she'd brought with her. "Look, we work in a hospital nearby…"
"The one that moves around the country for no apparent reason?" the gorilla man asked. "But the military's there most of the time."
"Not right now. There hasn't been a need for their presence for a while," Chase said. "Look, it's probably the best option you've got right now. It's the closest, we've treated him before, and we're under no legal obligation to report him."
"Right… where is it again?"
"It's about a mile or so from here," Cameron replied as she finished up. "We should get going before he freezes to death."
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By the time they arrived at the hospital, several things had been worked out. Cameron had gotten a detailed account of the incident, the chimeras had hidden their furry forms, and Chase had somehow managed to detach the blade from Ed's right arm. The only dilemma left was how to deal with the fact that Ed had no way to pay without notifying the military to his whereabouts.
"Maybe we can convince Cuddy that he's a John Doe," Chase said halfheartedly as they arrived outside the hospital's front door.
"No, she'd just have to look at his eyes. Ed's are too easy to remember."
Chase sighed as he led the group inside. "Let's just get him checked in. We'll deal with this later."
"Deal with what later?"
Both Chase and Cameron started at the sound of Cuddy's voice. "Well, we uh… found something on our hike," Chase began, gesturing to Ed.
Cuddy took one look at the boy and waved a few of the staff over to take Ed inside before turning to Chase and Cameron. "Come with me."
Once they were in Cuddy's office, Cuddy sat down and gestured for them to do the same. "You know, Edward Elric paid twice as much as he should have to cover his expenses, but he never found out because his commanding officer never told him."
"So…" Chase began, not understanding what Cuddy was getting at.
"According to Colonel Mustang, a situation like this was inevitable. He wants to avoid contact with the military, right?"
"Yeah, but how did you know that?" Cameron asked.
"Because of how you were acting when you came in. Anyway, he's already paid for treatment. I'm assigning you two to his case, since he's proved to be a difficult patient in the past and you two have past experience with him."
"What about House?"
Cuddy paused. "Don't tell him. I'd rather avoid a homicide investigation."
LOL HOMICIDE INVESTIGATION LOL CHAPTER BREAK LOL
"How's he doing?" Chase asked as they entered the ICU. Ed was currently lying on a bed in the corner, hooked up to all the regular devices to monitor his condition.
"He's doing fine," the nurse said.
"I'll stay here and wait for him to wake up," Cameron said. Chase nodded and went to take care of some other things.
Considering how long it had taken him to get help, he was doing fairly well. His wounds hadn't been aggravated at all, and though his foot had some minor frostbite, it wasn't enough to have a permanent effect. The worst they had to worry about at the moment was how Ed would react to waking up in a hospital. From what the chimeras had said, he'd been pretty insistent on going after the one who had inadvertently done this to him.
It was about ten minutes later when she saw House walking in the distance, but before he could get close enough to see her, Chase walked up to him with some files and began talking to him. Once they had turned away, she went back to watching Ed.
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The constant beeping and hum of machinery was the first thing that encouraged him to wake up and open his eyes. The ceiling looked familiar, and while he wasn't sure if he had been in this room, he recognized the style, from the bed to the windows to the hallway in front of him.
He let out an irritated sigh, ignoring the jolt of pain in his side, and raised his hand to his face. Sure enough, that thing was on his finger, and there was a tube attached to his arm.
"Ed?"
Ed looked up to see Cameron standing above him, and that confirmed it beyond all doubt. He was stuck in a hospital. But not just any hospital, he was in the one with the psychotic doctor.
"Why am I here?" he asked.
"Your friends decided they'd rather risk your wrath than let you run around without a kidney," she answered.
Ed scowled. "And I suppose they didn't mention the fact that Winry could be dead by now."
"Actually, they did mention that," Cameron replied. "They also told me about the tower. Ed, you were in no condition to go after that guy, and you won't be until…" she stopped at that word, and looked surprisingly sad.
"Until what?" Ed asked, ignoring the sudden change in Cameron's attitude.
"Ed, you lost a kidney. If you do anything that could damage your remaining kidney, you could die."
Ed rolled his eyes. "I could have died when I lost my arm and leg."
Cameron sighed. "You're not taking this seriously. If someone kicks you in the wrong place, you could die."
"Then why don't you just tell the military that? I'm sure nobody would even think of touching me then."
Cameron gave him a confused look. "I thought you were trying to hide from the military."
"I am, but if they wanted me dead I'd have been dead for months now," Ed retorted.
"Well, it sounds like someone didn't get the memo," Cameron said. "You're going to be here for a while, so you should just stop trying to convince us otherwise."
Ed frowned. "That sounded oddly like something your boss would say."
"Sorry, Ed, but I'm just trying to prevent a lot of headaches. Oh, and I was told to restrain you if you try to leave your bed without permission, so you might not want to make a break for it until you can walk without the risk of opening your wound."
Ed wasn't sure what to say to that one, so he simply stared after Cameron as she left the room.
LOLOL BONDAGE LOLOLOLOLOL
The irritated sigh was audible from across the room as Cameron sat down at the table. Chase looked up from the newspaper he was reading and gave her a curious look.
"I take it he reacted as expected?"
"If he masters sarcasm we'll have another House on our hands," Cameron replied. "He's already bitter and angry."
"And a cripple," Chase added as he went back to reading. "I'll go see him next time."
"Okay," House said as he entered the room. "Who wants to take over my clinic duty this afternoon?"
"Can't. We've got a patient," Cameron replied.
House turned and looked at them. "What's he got?"
"Well, his kidney magically disappeared after a mining tower collapsed," Chase said. "Cuddy assigned us to him."
"The case of the missing kidney, huh? Why would Cuddy assign you to something as boring as that?"
"Because we've dealt with him before and he's going through a very rough time in his personal life," Chase replied. "Go ask Foreman if you need to get out of there so badly."
House sighed and went into his office. "If anyone asks, I'm in the bathroom."
As soon as the door closed, both doctors breathed a sigh of relief.
"You know, I see the logic behind it, but why would Cuddy want to keep them apart so badly?" Chase asked.
"Because Ed has no problem with beating the crap out of House and he's angry right now," Cameron replied. "Don't you remember the dozens of times he tried to punch House in the face?"
"Oh, right, the possibility of attempted murder. Should we be worried? After all, we treated him too."
"He might try it with you," Cameron said as Foreman entered the room. "I think I was nice enough to keep him from getting violent with me."
"Who is this?" Foreman asked as he went to get himself some coffee.
"A patient," Cameron answered noncommittally.
"Oh, right. The one we're all supposed to keep a secret from House. How's he doing?"
"Well, physically, he should be fine in a few weeks, and judging by how quickly he got pissed off at me, he's dealing with the emotional part just fine."
"Wait, why is he pissed at you?" Foreman asked.
"Because I'm the one who told him he's stuck here and I'm the one who threatened him with restraints if he tries to get out of here."
"Why does he want to get out?"
"Because his life sucks and he has more important things to do," Chase replied. "Plus you remember how much he likes hospitals."
"Last time he didn't think there was anything wrong with him until he started vomiting all over the place."
"Well, this time he doesn't care that there's something wrong."
Foreman was about to reply when House entered through the door. "Are you talking about me in here?"
"Nope," Cameron answered.
"Darn, I thought you were planning my surprise party. Hey, Foreman, want to do some clinic duty?"
"No, not really," Foreman replied. "Why don't you just suck it up and do it yourself?"
"Because that just wouldn't be fun. If anyone comes looking for me, I'm in the bathroom."