Addison shuffled through the snow, holding her wool coat tightly around her. She was glad that she had traded her Prada heels for Prada boots for the winter. After 2 years in Los Angeles, Addison realized that no city could take the place of Manhattan in her heart, though sometimes when it was snowing heavily like it was that day, she wondered why. She was relieved to feel a very slight increase in temperature when she entered the skating rink where her daughter, Natalie, skated twice a week.
A smile spread across Natalie's face when she saw her mother, and she waved hard at her.
"Watch this!" Natalie called.
Addison watched as the child she was never supposed to be able to have twirled around on the ice, wearing a skating dress made of hot pink velvet with little rhinestones scattered across the bodice. Natalie had started skating when she was three, and Addison was amazed at how good she had gotten in only two years.
The little girl was nothing short of a miracle; one that she and Naomi still couldn't quite figure out, given the test results. Addison's pregnancy hadn't been an easy one, either. She'd almost lost her twice, and Natalie had still made her entrance a little early, via a C-section.
Natalie hopped off of the ice after her spin, her gait slightly wobbly as she struggled to walk on the blades toward her mother. She threw her arms around Addison's waist, and Addison squeezed her tightly.
"You were so wonderful, baby!"
Natalie beamed and hopped up onto a chair. "Thanks!"
Addison crouched and unlaced the little girl's white skates, which had been scuffed with black from occasional run-ins with the wall around the rink. While she slid her feet into her regular shoes, Addison wiped the blades of the skates dry with a cloth that they kept stashed in Natalie's bag. She stuffed them into the bag and zipped it up.
"Will you take my hair down, mommy?" Natalie asked with a frown after she'd put her shoes on. "It's hurting my head. You made it really tight today."
With a quiet laugh, Addison removed the rubber band from the bottom of Natalie's French braid and ran her fingers gently through it, letting the girl's copper locks fall just past her shoulders in loose waves.
"Better?" Addison asked.
Natalie let out a dramatic sigh of relief. "Much!"
Addison held out her daughter's white faux fur coat and helped her shrug into it. "Did you thank Carissa's mom for bringing you to practice, Natalie?"
Natalie rolled her little blue eyes. "Of course, mommy."
Addison shouldered her daughter's pink skate bag. "Are you ready to go home? I ordered a pizza. We'll pick it up on the way home."
A bright grin spread across Natalie's face as her eyes lit up. "Pizza! I haven't had pizza in so long! You're the best!"
Addison laughed and tousled Natalie's hair lightly. "I think you're the best too, kiddo."
"I got 100 on my spelling test today!" Natalie announced excitedly as she chewed a bite of pizza.
"Don't talk with your mouth full." Addison admonished.
"Sorry." Natalie swallowed. "I even spelled 'chase' right! That one's hard, you know, 'cause that sound could be a 'ce' or a 'se,' but I got it right!"
Addison smiled and pulled a slice of pizza from the box. Given Natalie's genetics, it shouldn't have surprised her that the girl had already been skipped to first grade, and was doing very well, but it had; and it pleased her. "Great job! I'm so proud of you, Natalie. You're so smart."
"I'm doing really good in math too!" Natalie stated proudly. "Didn't you say that was your best subject?"
"Yes, it was."
"So I'm like you?"
Addison smiled back at the miniature version of herself. "You're like me."
They ate in silence for a few moments before Natalie's face suddenly grew serious. "Mom… Carissa asked me today why I don't have a dad."
Addison nearly choked on her Diet Coke. She'd been expecting to have that conversation someday, but she was hoping it would be when Natalie was much older; she briefly considered going to the little girl's house and smacking her. "Um, she did?"
"Yes…" Natalie looked down. "Is he dead?"
"No, honey…" Addison sighed. "He's in Seattle." I think.
"Why isn't he here?"
"It's a long story."
"How did you meet him?" Natalie asked.
"We… We went to medical school together." Addison stated simply.
"So he's a doctor like you?" Natalie asked, leaning forward eagerly to listen as she munched on a slice of cheese pizza.
"Yes…"
"Did you love him?"
"I did…" Addison stared down at her abandoned slice of pizza. "I still do."
"Were you married? Carissa's parents are married… But Lindsay's parents live together, and they aren't married, and Hayley's parents were married, but they're not now, but she sees her dad all the time."
Addison pressed her nasal bridge with her thumb and her forefinger. "It's… Complicated, sweet pea."
"What does complicated mean?"
"It means I don't have an easy answer. I'll explain it all to you when you're older." Addison promised.
Natalie stopped the remaining pizza slice midway to her mouth and threw it back down on her plate. "I want to know now!"
She was used to getting what she wanted.
"You wouldn't understand, Nat." Addison said gently.
"I'm not stupid! You just said I'm smart!" Hot tears filled Natalie's eyes. "I would understand!"
"I don't understand it myself, baby." Addison said with a soft sigh.
"Why doesn't he come to see me?" Natalie demanded. "Why haven't I ever met him?"
Because he doesn't know you exist. Addison thought. "Natalie, I really can't explain…"
"No!" Natalie stood up, anger flashing in her eyes as tears poured down her cheeks. "Just leave me alone!"
Tears filled Addison's own eyes when she saw how upset her daughter was. Natalie's little feet pounded up the stairs and Addison heard her bedroom door slam. She could hear the sobs from downstairs. With a sigh, Addison wiped the tears from her eyes and laid her head on the table.
"What have I done?" Addison asked herself.
Natalie cried herself to sleep. Addison had the foresight not to put a lock on her daughter's door, so she walked into her bedroom an hour after their disagreement and found her there in a heap, still wearing her skating costume. Addison didn't see the sense in waking her to take a bath and change into pajamas when the next day was Saturday, so she covered her with a blanket and sat down on the bed next to her, staring. Her nimble surgeon's fingers grazed over the little girl's cheek and into her hair. Natalie looked so much like him, like both of them. It only made Addison miss him more. She pressed her lips gently against Natalie's cheek.
"Good night, sweet pea." Addison whispered, switching off the light and leaving her daughter's room.
Addison shut herself into her office, and locked the door. She dialed the phone slowly, her heart pounding harder with each number that she pressed. She wondered if his office number was still the same, if he even still worked at Seattle Grace. Addison felt as though the air had been sucked out of her lungs when she heard his familiar voice answer the phone. She paused, and she heard him repeat the greeting.
"Hey… It's me." Addison finally said, keeping her voice low.
"Addie?" He said with a note of surprise in his voice. "What's going on? I haven't heard from you in… It must be five years."
"Yes…" Addison said quietly. "Five years."
"Are you still in L.A.?"
"No." Addison leaned back in her desk chair and stared out the window, watching as snowflakes gently blanketed the ground. "I've been living in Manhattan for the past couple of years."
"Manhattan?" More surprise in his voice. "What are you doing back there?"
"It's a long story."
"What's wrong?"
"Nothing…" Addison fiddled with the curly phone cord, winding it around her finger.
"I can tell something's wrong from your voice." He chided her. "Out with it."
Addison let out a long sigh, then took a deep breath. "Derek, we need to talk."