Bash! Bash! Stomp, kick!

Bash, slap, bop, you dick!!

Original Summary: (moved here, due to new chapters):

Some good Dumbledore bashing is long due,

I want to boot some head too,

I'm not responsible for most things I do,

So I'll bash his head and smear his brains into goo,

Then flush it all down the loo.

(Sorry bout that, that was in very bad taste. Buy it now, Bettie Boop's Beans for All Occasions! Or somethig like that.)

Disclaimer: I don't own the Queen's English, but I can do just about anything I want with it, even make money of it, and no lawyers to make a fuss about it! Wow!

A/N: Yesterday I read a Harry Potter fic where Tonks checks Harry for mind control magic - and doesn't find a thing. I was half expecting to read about her finding him under half a dozen compulsion charms, trackers, power blocks, memory alterations, mind control potions, what not. Okay, that slightly bit more then half a dozen, but the more the better, right? He gets rid of them and gets one over Dumbledore. But nothing like that happened. In the following chapter, Dumbledore chocks on a lemon-drop - and doesn't die! That's so unfair! All I asked for is some good, old-fashioned, blood-thirsty Dumbledore Bashing! Was I asking too much?

Today, I read an update on some story or another, a post HBP of all things, which is already a bad thing - how much Dumbledore bashing can you do? After all, the man's dead and buried, it served little purpose to bash him much. So we have to be satisfied with Weazley bashing instead. Well, in the last two chapters Ron was being a prick, and I was holding my fingers crossed in anticipation of the upcoming bashing, and then, in the latest chapter, all of a sodden he makes an about turn, and starts behaving better - all rationally and accepting reality, instead of insanely jealous and borderline treacherous. So no Ron Bashing for me.

I was so upset, I wrote this song. This is for all you fanfic writers out there - write us more bashing!

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The Bash Song

By stealacandy

Bash, dash, crush and smash,

Trash, lash, and demolish;

Hack, crack, pounce and whack,

Deck, smack, trounce and wreck.

I

Wham, bam, slam, goddamn!

Ram, flam, and thrice condemn.

Defame, insult, ruin and flame,

Bite, skite, denounce, and blame.

I

Whang, bang, fell and dust,

Cuss, bust, screw and thrust;

One-two, shoe, charge and blast,

Jab and stab, drab and percuss.

I

Club, drub, rape and smear,

Push, pull, crack and tear;

Soak, stroke, poke and nag,

rut, cut, butt and drag, .

I

Break, wreck, smack and spank,

Ball, maul, blackjack and thwack.

Scallop and lollop, thrash and thresh,

Bob, lob, rush and clash.

I

Meatball, torpedo, shellac and buffet,

Belt them and pelt them, harm and pellet;

Pan them, can them, hook and cook,

Toast, roast, bring in the Nukes.

I

Reprimand, underhand and reprehend

And hit them straight with a boot to the head.

Flax, hex, wax and pinch,

Bruise and abuse them till they splinch.

I

Rough them up till they bleed teeth,

Wipe em, swipe em, boff and biff.

Bat, swat, cripple, and bone,

Brutalize, violate, shoot'em and stone.

I

Flatten, level, blitz and singe,

Raid, hunt, assail and binge,

Backbite, blister, disparage,

Scold, reprove and burst in rage.

I

Punish, vanquish, finish them off.

Mutilate, decapitate, don't go soft;

Jar, smear, scare off their bits,

Lay in them, subdue them into losing their wits.

I

Hassle and tassel, it's no big deal?

Drill them and pill them and go for the kill!

Clout, rout and skin them clean,

Trim them and pin them and chalk them in a bin.

I

Bob them and probe them until they're all cut,

Box them and give them a kick in the butt;

Bat them end nudge them, box and swat,

Cream them and carp them, give them a pat.

I

Rank in them, dank, spank, and clip,

Lean on, bludgeon, bring out the whip!

Pound, hound, wound and rip;

They planted the seeds and now they reap.

I

Ride and collide, chide and lace,

Storm and blindside, strike and chase.

Plunk and skunk and bing and zing,

Raise your arm and take a swing,

I

Plunge and bung in open assault -

Give them a dent, it's all their fault;

Score and floor, burn and scorch;

Boom, cosh, bring them down a notch.

I

Whale and flail and nail them down,

Spank, skunk, and toss them around;

Paw them and maw them into the ground,

Blow them and claw them and make it count.

I

Go at them, nitpick, pow and lick,

Throw, pick, mow and kick.

Cane them, brain them, make them hurt;

Shake, break, stake and jolt!

I

Clod, prod and roughshod,

Mug them, slug them and send them to god.

Hog them and flog them and slog them good,

Plug them and clog them, don't be a prude .

I

Bop, pop, beat and pit,

Stomp, whomp, hit and spit;

Scathe, dig, take a swig,

Hump, bump, stump and rig.

I

Mangle, strangle and entangle,

Pummel, pommel, cudgel and trample;

Take'em down, destroy, bulldoze,

Dispose of them, bean and hose.

I

Knock them out, deliver a stroke,

Molest them, castrate them, shock and sock.

Mess them up, dress them down;

Press and oppress them and dress them as clowns.

I

Wallop and whop, muscle and chop,

Pop and larrup, dispel and stomp.

Jump and thum, clump down and dump,

Roll over them, thump and swamp.

I

Castigate, flagellate, chaste and lambaste,

Fustigate, fulminate, paste and baste;

Excoriate, reprobate, zap and clap,

Rap, tap, snap and slap.

I

Hammer them, shatter them, batter them down

Clobber and thunder, bashing all around!

Bash your characters, bash them good,

Bash them with vengeance, don't be a prude.

I

Bash, bash, crush and smash,

Lash, dash and some more bash;

Bash and hack, pounce and whack,

Deck, smack, trounce and wreck.

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A/N: Aren't thesauruses a wonderful thing? I was stuck after three and a half verses, so I used a thesaurus instead. Great help, it was. I just had to come up with rhyming all the words I got in a way that made sense. To tell the truth, I wasn't even acquainted with some of them. A pity, though - I once had a great thesaurus, with a companion rhyming book - the words were already arranged in rhymes and all you had to do was pick out those you needed for your song. I lost them somewhere along the way, and while there are several thesauruses on-line, I have yet to find an on-line rhyming book or engine. So if anyone who reads this knows one, please let me know.