Author's Note: How long has it been since I've made a BSC crackfic? Well, you know how sometimes you just keep laughing, and anything someone says is totally hilarious? Yeah, that how I feel right now.
Summary: The BSC members feel bad for Mallory, so they're throwing her a pity party! Wow, what fun! Crack
xx
Mallory really hated her life. She wanted contacts. She had been wearing braces for years. She wanted to straighten her hair. She wanted…sophistication.
One day, Mallory was eating dinner with her family. Claire knocked over a huge plate of pasta and splattered some all over herself.
Mrs. Pike said, "Mallory, can you please clean her up?"
Mallory burst into tears. "Stop treating me this way! Gosh! Am I your servant or something?"
Mrs. Pike said, "Oh, and you also have to babysit later. I'm running out for a bit to get a quart of milk, and your father has come down with the flu. He's in bed."
Mallory sighed. She was her parents' built-in babysitter. Oh, the agony. Mallory sighed once again, dramatically, got down on her hands and knees with a rag, and began cleaning the floor.
"Goodness, Mallory, what are you doing?" Mrs. Pike asked her daughter.
"CLEANING UP AFTER EVERYONE, THAT'S WHAT!" she sobbed, even though dinner had just begun. "BECAUSE THAT'S WHAT YOU TOLD ME TO DO!"
"I did?" Mrs. Pike asked.
"That's what you always do," cried Mallory stridently, blubbering like a maniac. "You tell me to clean the floor after dinner is over! Then you tell me to give baths to the triplets!"
"The triplets are old enough to bathe themselves," Mrs. Pike said, confused.
"DON'T LIE!" shrieked Mallory. "All my life, you've been lying to me. You've let me down. I sleep outside, on the porch, right on top of the welcome mat. It's always been like that."
"You share a room with me," Vanessa said.
Mallory screamed, stood up, and flailing her arms, ran upstairs.
xx
Mallory had a horrible life. She was depressed. She picked up one of Nicky's rubber dinosaurs from off the floor and proceeded to cut herself with it. Mallory was very upset.
Vanessa was lying on her own bed, in the exact same room, trying to read. "Mal? Are you cutting yourself with a rubber dinosaur?"
"Yes!" Mallory sobbed, tossing the dinosaur aside. It bonked Vanessa in the nose and tumbled to the ground. "I'm so upset, Vanessa."
Vanessa said, "Are you just trying to get Mom to buy you a new outfit?"
Mallory sat up. "No!" she hissed, appalled at the question. "It's because I'm so devastatingly depressed. Because of this whole entire godforsaken family. Why did Mom and Dad have eight kids? Why not just one!?"
Mallory flopped back down on the pillows. "And ever since Ben broke up with me…life isn't just the same."
"Mal, Ben Hobart is on vacation in Europe. He's coming back in three days."
"That's what they say, that's what they all say," Mallory sobbed into her pillows. "He broke my heart, Ben did. He ripped it out and threw it away. The place where my heart is supposed to be is a just a deep, black hole."
"Mal, don't you think you're taking this too far?" sighed Vanessa.
Mallory ignored her, picked up the rubber dinosaur, and continued cutting her wrists, creating scars that no one but her could see.
xx
The next day, Mallory walked to school, talking long, purposeful strides. She was wearing her best pair of pair of pants that day: gray, with little squares of felt sewn all over it. These were hot pants. She had made them last night.
Homeroom was the same, although Mallory earned many stares from her classmates. A girl named Kellie who sat behind Mallory handed her a note. It read: Whose pants are those? They look awful. Did you lose a dare?
Mallory was appalled, heartbroken and devastatingly depressed. She stared at Kellie, who was looking at her sympathetically.
"Mallory Pike! Are you passing notes? Bring that up here," Mr. Simmons said.
"I am appalled," Mallory argued as she made her way up to the front of the classroom. "Kellie gave it - "
"I don't care who gave it to you. Give it here."
"No!" Mallory said.
"Then, I suppose you can read it aloud yourself."
Mallory reddened. "I – this is devastatingly depressing!"
"Read it," boomed Mr. Simmons.
Mallory read it, with a slight tremble her voice. As soon as she finished, everyone started laughing.
Mallory was appalled.
xx
At lunchtime, Mal stood in line with a tray, along with Jessi. Someone accidentally jostled her. "I am appalled!" Mallory shrilled. "Why is my life so depressing?"
Jessi said, "What is it with you, Mal?"
Mal didn't get a chance to say anything, because then the lunch lady spooned some spaghetti onto Jessi's plate. It was the absolute last of the spaghetti, and the only thing left over was liver. The lunch lady dipped her huge spoon into the the liver and glopped it onto Mal's plate.
Jessi and Mallory went to sit at their usual table. Mallory sighed and pointed at her lunch. "This is – "
"Appalling, yes I know," Jessi said, rolling her eyes. "Why do you keep saying that, Mal?"
"Because it is!"
Jessi sighed.
xx
Since today was a Wednesday, there was a Babysitter's Club meeting. At 5:24, Mallory hopped onto her bike and pedaled over to Bradford Court. The sun was shining brightly. Chunky red clumps of hair stuck to Mallory's back, and she smelled kind of funky. Oh well. No one would care.
Mallory arrived on time. She let herself into the house. Everyone had already got there. Mallory sat down on the floor.
"Order! Order!" Kristy screamed, banging her gavel, straightening her neon-green visor, and sticking a pencil behind her ear. She was wearing a white t-shirt, a purple sweater, her grungy collie cap, and faded jeans.
Claudia was wearing mustard-yellow overalls, all covered with multi-colored buttins. Under that was a red long-sleeve with flowers splashed all over. On her feet were clogs. Yes, that's right, clogs. Because that is such a wonderful fashion statement. Claudia had fastened a bike helmet onto her head. Millions of little black braids flowed down her back.
Stacey was wearing lots of glitter, like a glitter top, glitter pants, glitter makeup, glitter nail polish, glitter hat, glitter shoes, glitter socks, glitter jewelry, and she had even put glitter in her hair. Sophisticated!
Dawn wore clothes from thrift stores, making her smell kind of weird. Her thrift-store clothes (or California casual) as her friends called it) was a baggy gray shirt and sweats. And men's loafers. How California-y.
Jessi was wearing her tutu. Enough said.
Mary Anne wore preppy stuff, like argyle sweaters and blue pantyhose.
"Any club business?"
"Today everyone kept staring at my pants. This girl said they were awful-looking." Mal sighed. "You guys, when I go home, I'm going to cut myself. Life is just so…appalling. And devastatingly depressing."
"You cut yourself? With a knife?" Kristy asked.
"No, with Nicky's rubber dinosaur," Mallory sobbed. "I count how many bad things happen to me in one day and that's how many cuts I get. So far there's been…three cuts."
"What happened?" Claudia asked, putting an arm around Mallory.
"Well, the first thing was that Kellie sent me a note that said my pants were awful. Then the teacher made me read it aloud to the class. Then during lunch I had to eat liver."
"Oh Mal! That is devastatingly depressing," Dawn said. "You know what? We should throw a pity party for Mallory."
"Yeah!" said Kristy. "I'll invite all our charges. We can – "
"Oh my God, Kristy, you are so babyish," sneered Stacey. "We need to invite people our age, you know. I know that Mal here is eleven, but what's two years age difference? No sixth graders, that would be just as bad as inviting the charges. Mal, I'll give you a makeover. You'll look hot. But first you have to get rid of those terrible pants."
Mallory smiled. Now this, this wasn't so devastatingly depressing.