CSI Idol
Host: Greg Sanders
Judges: Catherine Willows, Conrad Ecklie, and David Phillips.
Setting: Las Vegas Crime Lab
A spiky-haired man dressed in funky clothing comes up to the camera.
"Hey, I'm Greg Sanders and I'll be your host for the evening! Here we are in Viva Las Vegas looking for the next CSI Idol! We have roughly, uh, maybe thirty or so people here today, but only ONE can be named CSI Idol of the crime lab. C'mon, let's meet our judges!" Greg bounds off down the hallway and runs into the break room, which has been roped off for the competition. "Judges, introduce yourselves!"
"I'm Catherine Willows, graveyard shift CSI. The other two say that I'm the easy judge, but don't be fooled. I'm not like that Paula Whatsherface, I'm the REAL THING!" The blonde-haired woman says. The other two judges on either side of her stare at her uneasily.
"Uh…yeah…I'm Conrad Ecklie and I'm the boss. No, I'm not drunk, I just act like this all the time." The grouchy balding man says. Catherine rolls her eyes.
"I'm David Phillips. Um...I work around dead bodies all day. Not really exciting unless they happen to be still alive when you try to cut them o—"
"OKAY, David! Thank you. Let's see who's gonna be first in line!" Greg says to the young brown haired man with glasses. Greg bounds out the door and into the holding room where all of the contestants are waiting. "Alright, number 3,700,679! You're up first!"
---
A short blonde haired woman steps timidly into the room.
"Hi." She squeaks.
"Hey, there. So you're Julie the receptionist?" Catherine says, looking at the paper in front of her. The woman nods. Catherine peers at her.
"Um…it says on this paper that you dragged Warrick Brown across the break room for no apparent reason. Is this true?" Ecklie asks. Julie nods.
"Is it true that you inspected a dead clown's boxer shorts?" David asks. Julie blinks.
"Um…no. You did that."
"Oh. Right. Any who, what will you be singing?"
"OOPS, I DID IT AAAAAAAAGAAAAAAIN! I PLAYED WITH YOUR HEEEART! GOT LOST IN THE GAME! OOOH BABY, BABY—"
"Stop. Right. There." Catherine says, looking horrified. "Um…Britney Spears?"
"Hey, I don't get out often!" Julie says defensively.
"I say no." Ecklie says. "It was…well, just terrible."
"I agree. Britney was so 90's." David says.
"Sorry, Julie. We'll have to pass on you." Catherine says. Julie gapes at them.
"What the heck? That's it? I didn't even sing the whole song!" Julie yells.
"Trust me, Julie. We don't need to hear more. Goodbye." Ecklie says. Julie storms out the door. Archie focuses the camera on her.
"This is so unfair! I didn't even get to sing for a whole BLEEP minute and that Swing shift floozy has to stop me! BLEEPBLEEPBLEEP--"
Archie stops recording.
"Uh…let's just go to the next contestant." Archie says, focusing the camera back on Greg.
"Uh, sure. Contestant number 5,550! Come on down!" Greg yells. Hodges struts into the audition room.
Ecklie looks up from his paper and gapes. He nudges Catherine, who then nudges David. All three of them stare in horror at this…ugh…
…Hodges is wearing a yellow miniskirt with a matching halter top with stiletto heels.
"Hi!" Hodges says brightly.
"Guh…eh…uh, what will you be singing today?" Catherine asks, looking sick.
"I will be singing Baby Got Back. Ready?"
"Um…sure."
"I like BIG BUTTS AND I CANNOT LIE!" To accompany these words, the lab tech turns around and attempts to "shake it like a Polaroid picture."
"Oh God!" David says, and covers his eyes.
"STOP! STOP! DAVID HODGES, I command you to STOP!" Ecklie yells. Catherine has fallen over in her chair convulsed with laughter. Hodges stops dancing and singing and turns around to look at the judges.
"No way…NO…WAY!" David says, clutching his eyes and rocking back and forth in his seat.
"You have…great charisma…but…no." Catherine says between laughs.
"Okay, seems you're not what we're looking for…sorry." Ecklie says, averting his gaze from Hodges. Hodges gives a great sniff and flounces out of the room.
"I don't care what they say! I can be a great performer! YOU JUST WAIT!" Hodges says to the camera, which is shaking badly due to Archie's laughter.
"FINE! LAUGH! I DON'T CARE!" Hodges yells, and hobbles away.
---
Greg comes into view again, leading a dark-haired man to the audition room.
"This is Nick Stokes. I heard him practicing back in the holding room, and it seems he has pretty good chances of getting into the competition. Let's see what the judges think. Good luck, man." Greg says. Nick gives a wave before going in to audition.
"State your name." Ecklie says as Nick walks in.
"Nick Stokes." Nick says.
"Alright, Nick, take it away" Catherine says.
"OK…Plowin' these fields in the hot summer sun
Over by the gate lordy here she comes
With a basket full of chicken and a big cold jug of sweet tea
I make a little room and she climbs on up
Open up a throttle and stir a little dust
Just look at her face she ain't a foolin' me
She thinks my tractor's sexy
It really turns her on
She's always starin' at me
While I'm chuggin' along
She likes the way it's pullin' while we're tillin' up the land
She's even kind of crazy 'bout my farmer's tan
She's the only one who really understands what gets me
She thinks my tractor's sexy!" Nick sings in a pure Texas voice.
"Wow." David says, impressed.
"I'll tell you what." Catherine purrs, attempting to climb over the table to get at Nick. Ecklie pulls her back into her seat.
"Catherine, please." Ecklie says. "All you have to do is say you approve."
"Oh, I approve alright." Catherine says, eyeing Nick. Nick shifts uncomfortably.
"David?"
"I say yes."
"Alright. Welcome to the competition, Nick." Ecklie says.
"Really? Wow, thanks!" Nick says calmly, walking out.
A minute later…
"WOOOHOO! YEAH!! I MADE IT! I'M GONNA BE CSI IDOL! WEEEEE!" Nick yells, jumping up and down the halls like a little kid.
"That's great!" Greg says enthusiastically.
"YAYAYAYAYYAYAYAYAYYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAYAYYAYAY!!!"
"Umm…"
"YEAH!!!!"
"Dude…calm down…anyways, there's another contestant right here!" Greg says. The camera scans around and then goes back to Greg.
"What contestant?" Archie asks.
"ME!" Greg says. He runs into the audition room and waves at the judges.
"Greg Sanders…" Ecklie says, looking unenthusiastic. "What are you going to sing for us?"
"In a house by the tracks.
I want, I want you back.
In a dress that's painted black.
I want you back, I want you back.
All the ways my mother taught me how.
I want, I want you now.
In any place you'll allow.
I want you now, I want you now.
It's never very hard staying true,
when I'm staying true and your kiss is all I think about.
The proof is in your moves and your groves and the little things you do and the silly things you laugh about.
I called, you came, I called you came,
It seems to be, our only way.
I'll be dreaming of the kissing that I'm missing truly wishing that you'll listen when I sweetly ask you to:
Striptease for me baby!
Striptease for me baby!
Striptease for me baby!" Greg sings, even unbuttoning a few buttons on his shirt.
"Umm…thank you. Uh…Catherine?" David says.
"I say yes. He's got a good voice, good potential…even though he is host of the show…" Catherine says.
"I say no. Greg, you're already a host. You can't be a contestant, too." Ecklie said.
"That's what people said about me wanting to be a CSI!" Greg says.
"It was a bit off tune and ludicrous for my liking." David says.
"Sorry, Sanders. Maybe next time." Ecklie says. Greg walks out of the audition room, sighing. Archie zooms in on him.
"Dude, are you alright?" Archie asks.
"Join us for another office taping off CSI Idol next week!" Greg says before going off to hug a pillow and have a beer.
Well, that's all I have, but I thought it would be funny to share!
Review if you thought it was funny!