Ranma ½: A Battle He Couldn't Win
Author's Note: Ok. Here's the deal. I like the show Ranma ½. It's not mine though. No credit taken. It's basically got some of the characters and one random person I made up on the spot to introduce MY type of Martial Arts… the Tickle-fight. This is a one shot that I wrote in the wee hours of the morning and, no, I refuse to read through and edit it. It's ridiculous and stupid, that is the point. Basically, I know it's dumb and if you're going to waste a perfectly good flame on this piece o'crap, I advise you to think otherwise. Use your flames on something worth burning. And, oh goodness, if you actually like this, you might need to seriously consider counseling.
Love and Huggles!
-Squishy aka 'lyn
"RANMA, I HATE YOU!!!" screeched young Akane Tendo's voice as it reverberated all through-out the Tendo's training hall, Dojo, household, and entire hometown. All sorts of vicious noises trailed after her outburst as, no doubt, many large, bulky, and incredibly heavy objects were flying in the air. There was no doubt that every single one had been intended to collide with Ranma Saotome's head.
"There they go again," said Nabiki Tendo as she sat down for breakfast. "I just wish they would keep it DOWN in the early morning."
A gigantic, and very wet, panda plopped down at the place setting next to her, grunting in agreement.
"Oh, good morning, Genma," said Nabiki sarcastically. "Sleeping in the pond again?"
He growled his response. He was probably brutally awakened by being used as one of Akane's missiles towards Ranma.
The eldest Tendo sister, Kasumi, walked into the room with her father and a large tray of steaming hot breakfast. The young woman smiled sweetly at the panda as she drenched it with boiling hot water. "Good morning, Mr. Saotome!"
The water instantaneously turned the grizzly panda in to a grizzly old man, who grumbled, "What's so good about it… Stupid Ranma…. You know, Kasumi, it really doesn't have to be QUITE so hot next time…." She just smiled gingerly and began to serve the food.
"RRRRRAAAAANNNNNNNMMMMMMAAAAAAAAAA---" came Akane's voice.
The stomping, crashing, banging, yelling, laughing, running, thumping, and booming noises of the chase began swirling into the main room like an incoming tornado, or perhaps like a damaged aircraft shortly before it implodes.
Nabiki groaned, "Ohh, my poor ears! Here they come, in three… two.. one and-"
Ranma Saotome, a young teenage boy with dark hair and a bright, mischievous smile, came running down the hall, his face lit up in entirety by the adrenaline and tomfoolery. He appeared to be clutching something in his hand. Then, Akane, a slightly boyish, but very pretty girl of the same age, came charging through like a locomotive a split second after.
Akane pounced, and nearly landed on top of Ranma – he just managed to dodge out of the way. She through punch after punch, kick after kick, but he evaded her every move, his monkeying around only enraging her more. She chased him in circles around the table and the two families.
"I wonder," chuckled Mr. Tendo. "What he did to deserve it this time..."
As if it were choreographed, both Tendo and Saotome stuck their arms outward and each caught their child. Tendo held a seething Akane by the hand. Saotome held a crouched Ranma by the ear lobe. Both adults pulled, and both teens were forced to sit.
"Akane," started Nabiki, "what in the world---"
"HE STARTED IT!" shouted Akane. "I got up, I practiced my martial arts, I bathed, and then I was PEACEFULLY brushing my teeth, when ALL OF A SUDDEN –" she pointed a finger, shaking with rage, at Ranma, "that PERVERT comes into the bathroom and steals my toothbrush RIGHT out of my mouth!!!! I HATE HIM SO MUCH!"
Ranma gave a sly smile, and handed the toothbrush back.
"Akane," started Kasumi, "don't you suppose----"
"That MAYBE I'm overreacting?!" Akane continued to shout. "DON'T I HAVE A RIGHT TO?!! I was only in a BATHROBE and my UNDERWEAR and that PERVERT-" (she pointed again) "-just WALTZED RIGHT IN like it DIDN'T MATTER!"
"Akane," started her father, "You're dressed now----"
"I KNOW! I was being KIND!!" she contined, completely on a tangent. "If it were merely my TOOTHBRUSH, I would let it go. But NO. I take my robe off… I go to my closet… and inside, waiting to JUMP OUT AND SCARE ME is that…. That…. THAT……!!!!!"
"Pervert." completed Genma Saotome.
"Well excuuuuuuuse me!" said Ranma, now getting defensive. "I try to play a simple little prank, and YOU'RE the one flouncing about in her undergarments!"
Akane looked --- well, downright pissed.
"It's not as though I LIKED what I saw," he shrugged. "Nothing special there anyway."
It was as though Mount Vesuvius was built up to its former glory, and had erupted all over again. Ranma was her Pompeii.
"You…… are going to die." glowered a very irate Akane "Vesuvius" Tendo.
She leapt on top of him, beating him into a senseless pulp with no chance of escape, and no chance of blocking any of her attacks. All the others – Genma, Tendo, Nabiki, and Kasumi – all continued their meals almost as if they hadn't noticed.
With each punch in his face, Akane emphasized her words. "I-WILL-GET-MY-REVENGE! I-AM-GOING-TO-KILL-YOU-RAN-MA!"
"Um… excuse me…" said a small voice from outside, by the pond. A small teenage girl with strawberry-colored pigtails was calling on them. "Is this where I can find the Dojo for the Saotome school for Anything-Goes Martial Arts?"
Everyone paused, as if the thrashing Ranma was receiving was completely normal. After all, not one day goes by where Ranma forgets his duty of constantly pissing off Akane.
The girl looked mortified by all six of their stares and began to blush profusely, making her look absolutely adorable. "I – um – I mean – If this isn't it – and –" she said. "But- um – maybe I got lost ---- S-sorry for your t-t-time!"
Genma Saotome leapt up and called after her. "Wait, this IS the Saotome Anything-Goes Martial Arts Dojo! Are you, uh," he cleared his throat. "looking for lessons perhaps?"
The small girl's bashfulness hardened sharply as she looked him in the eye, "I challenge your greatest fighter to a Tickle-Fu Match!"
Oo ?!
Everyone seemed incredibly shocked and quite confused by this girls' challenge.
"C-come again?" said Genma. "I didn't quite catch that."
She jerked her head up, looking him straight in the eye. "One of the deadliest and most torturous styles of Anything-Goes Martial Arts – Tickle-Fu! My father was a master at it, and he passed the secrets down to me. Now I- Reika Fujioshi- challenge the heir to the Saotome school to a match! Do you accept or will you forfeit?"
Ranma picked up an equally-stunned Akane by the waist, and replaced her on her feet. He walked up to the girl, who, although Ranma was kind of short, only came up to his chin. "I am Ranma Saotome, heir to my father's Dojo," he said. "and I never back down and I never lose to a SE-RI-OUS challenge."
He emphasized the word 'serious' so heavily that tears began to well up in Reika-san's eyes. "I-I am serious..." And in a flash, her eyes glazed over and her face hardened again. "I will take you out at sundown."
The rest of the day was quite a blur. Ranma and Akane barely even fought! They had all quite forgotten Reika-san's challenge until school let out, when they saw her standing on the gate of the school, waiting for him.
"Do not run out on me, Ranma Saotome," she threatened. She came off as quite intimidating, for someone of her small stature. "If you truly are unbeatable, why don't you prove it instead of hiding behind your girlfriend?!" she sneered towards Akane, just before taking off.
"WHAT?!!" the two replied in unison.
"I can't WAIT to take you out, little girl!!!" shouted Ranma.
"Oh. How masculine. How absolutely chivalrous of you, Ranma, to threaten to pulverize a girl half your size." drawled Nabiki sarcastically as she walked by.
"Wait, Akane," said Ranma, "What exactly IS 'Tickle-fu?'"
"Beats me," she shrugged.
Sunset came… and Ranma stood in the dojo, awaiting a bizarre battle. His father and the Tendo family sat on the sidelines, just as eager as he is. Reika Fujioshi stood at the opposite edge of the room, a very calm expression on her face.
"Am I right to assume that you have never battled Tickle-fu before?" she asked.
"Of course I have! I have –err …. Tons… of trophies from.. um, China. Somewhere." Ranma stammered.
"Reeeaal smoooooth," mumbled Nabiki.
"Right, then, you're a novice! Don't worry, I WON'T go easy on you!" she exclaimed as she charged towards him, hands raised like claws. Without knowing what else to do, he charged right back at her, prepared to deflect punches and kicks with his arms.
But, instead of having fists swung at his face and gut, she just grabbed the sides of his stomach, slightly squeezing his midriff with her clawlike hands. She twiddled her fingers and tickled him from place to place – all over his sides, stomach, lower back, and ribcage.
"What---??" said Ranma, looking down at the young girl, who was tickling him all over. He wasn't fazed. However, he was incredibly freaked out and pulled her off.
"WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING?!" screeched Akane from the sidelines.
"That was a necessary advance to bring out my first secret weapon!" she chuckled gleefully. "FUJIOSHI SECRET TECHNIQUE: POKE OF DOOM!"
A fierce battle aura developed around her right index finger… she wound up and thrust the finger into his side in juuust the right spot, the fleshy spot just above his hips and just below his ribs.
It was as if something inside Ranma had just shattered, like a dropped mirror, as he stood rooted in that spot. Something inside him broke and he lost it.
"GAH!" he yelped as the poke made him jump slightly. He couldn't quite figure out what she had done to him, so he was looking around, trying to find a numbed limb or… well, something.
Kasumi looked up from her tea with a gasp, "Oh, my!" as the others still had the same expression ( Oo ). They had expected a fight that was .. some what similar to a F.I.G.H.T.
"Perfect…" said Reika, eyes narrowing. "FUJIOSHI SECRET TECHNIQUE NUMBER 2!: DOUBLE BEAR CLAW!"
Reika leapt into the air and flipped over Ranma's head. She touched ground with merely a foot, then launched back into the air, aimed directly for Ranma's back. Instead of a collision with his spinal cord, she wrapped her arms around him, pinning his arms to his side in a great big bear hug from behind, all color draining from Akane's face. With her fingers, she tickled him again, deeply, and with both hands. Now that the Poke-of-Doom had broken him, he was, indeed, doomed.
"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAAAAAAAAAAA!" he screeched and laughed. He thrashed and flailed as best he could, but her hold would not loosen. It just… tickled… so bad… and he couldn't do anything about it.
The Tendos and Genma Saotome were mortified. What seemed like an innocent, sweet, docile little girl… was unleashing a terrible rath upon Ranma in the form of tickling, of all things. She was absolutely terrifying.
"Well...?" said Reika, looking innocently up at them. Ranma's face was flooded with tears. She kept her attack going, full-fledged, as she looked directly into the white-faced Akane's eyes and spoke. "I thought it was your undying wish to get revenge? Don't you want to kill him for torturing you?"
Akane paused, a little surprised. It was only for a moment, however, that she hesitated before diving in with Reika on the well-deserved tickle attack on the defenseless Ranma. Nabiki took a number of snapshots with her camera before diving in herself. Ranma's screams kept increasing in volume and in desperation.
"Heeheehee!!" giggled Genma Saotome with evil glee as he dove in there, too, with Suou Tendo following in suit.
Reika Fujioshi emerged from the chaos around Ranma, and joined Kasumi to have a cup of tea. Kasumi quietly slipped Reika some money, which she immediately pocketed.
"Thank you, Reika-chan," said Kasumi. "I believe we shall be having some quiet mornings around her for .. at least a little while."
"You're quite welcome, Ka-chan!" she smiled back, sipping her tea. "Piece of cake!"
Throughout the remainder of the evening, Ranma's screams and giggles carried all throughout the Tendo's training hall, Dojo, household, and hometown.
The End.