Lily: ok, this contains SPOILERS LIKE WOA. So if you've yet to read HP7, stay away.
Alright, mind you, this isn't what I really think of the pairings that are going to be listed below. This isn't like it's me saying personally to fanfiction authors, this is Harry being furious with us all. Um, yeah, so enjoy…if that's possible.
The Conference
Lily-Potter-Malfoy looked around. She saw several of her fellow fanfiction netizens in the room and wondered how it was she had gotten to be there. What made things stranger was the fact that, not only were fanfiction authors clustered in the room, but there were also various characters of the Harry Potterverse meandering around the room. In the front of the space there were two chairs and a podium. She wondered if there was some sort of speech going on today and why she was here to listen to it.
"I heard Harry's going to give a speech" Ginny, who Lily had begun to hate quite a bit recently, could be heard speaking excitedly from her front row perch. Lily glared at her, how dare she get together with Harry in the book!? Lily had decided that the "19 years later" section of the very last book didn't exist…neither did any of the parts where Harry seemed to be thinking of her in any way aside from "my best friend's sister".
"I heard he's going to talk about something very important to us fanfiction authors" an unidentified girl to Lily's left exclaimed. Lily sat back in her chair and decided to wait until the speaker, and the person who had somehow gotten them all into this room, arrived.
It was ten minutes later when a door tucked into the right corner of the front of the room opened. J.K Rowling walked into the room and up to the platform. This, however, didn't generate nearly as much excitement and applause as Harry Potter and Draco Malfoy entering and waking up behind her. Lily sat up, this looked worthwhile. Her mind, programmed for slash, jumped into overdrive.
"Look at them! Harry's so big and manly, and look at Draco's hair! His Veela genes help him look so beautiful!" the same girl from before exclaimed. Lily looked confusedly back up at the front of the room, the Harry and Draco up there looked nothing like what the girl had just described. Her Harry and Draco were quite opposite to it actually. Her Harry was small and pretty, fragile looking. Her Draco was big and tall with intimidating looking muscles, his Veela-ness could be seen, but only in his magnetic charm and long blonde hair. She listened to a few more descriptions,
"…the red highlights in Harry's hair are so…"
"…look at the guns on Draco! I bet he could…"
"…so skinny! Like a twig! Must be because Dumbledore is really…"
Lily shrugged. This being a roomful of fanfiction authors, perhaps they were all seeing the Harry and Draco of their minds? She turned to the front again,
"Greetings fanfiction authors and various Harry Potter characters" Harry said. Draco and JKR had taken the two seats and Harry stood at the podium
"I have called you all here today to discuss something of grave importance!" he proclaimed. Everyone was silent, looking expectantly up at him. He took a deep breath,
"With the end of the Harry Potter series, you all know I'm talking about "19 years later", it should be painfully clear to you all that I, Harry James Potter, am completely, and totally, and irrevocably, STRAIGHT"
More silence…
Harry floundered for a minute, clearly he had expected some sort of response
"alright guys, come in" he called nervously out the door. Lily looked over to it and watched as Snape, Voldemort, Sirius, Remus, Lucius, Blaize, and Ron entered the room and stood at parade rest in a line in front of the platform.
"These," he said, gesturing to the men in front of him, "are some of the guys you fanfiction people like to pair me with. Well, I've got some words for you" he unfurled a roll of parchment and began to read.
"First, Sirius is my GODFATHER, he knew my DAD, he's the same age as him! I mean, he's said to be good looking but why in bloody hell would I want to go around bonking my own godfather? It's almost incestuous! The same goes for Remus! Why would I do that to someone who is as good as my uncle? He's like family!
Next is Blaize…first off, I have no idea how his character gained so much importance and popularity, sorry Blaize. He's rarely mentioned, people didn't know his gender or ethnicity before the sixth book! In fact, the general consensus was so far from the actual truth that it's hilarious! Furthermore, he's in Slytherin, and he and I have close to no interaction…I don't know where he came up from.
Ok, then there's Ron…" here he paused and gave us all incredulous and disgusted looks, "all I have to say to this one is…WHAT THE HELL!? Me! And…and RON!? Come on guys, he's as straight as straight comes. I know the whole, friendship to love thing and all but seriously…seriously some things weren't meant to be slashed…this is one of them." He paused for a drink of water and Lily glimpsed Sirius smothering laughter. Harry finished drinking and continued,
"Alright, let's see" he said, scanning his parchment, "next there's Snape. Ok. Alright. I understand you guys on this one, really, I do. One of those, Love/Hate things right? Yeah…no…first off, he's old enough to be my dad. He HATES ME, not like, "I'm trying to push you away from me so I'm behaving like a ginormous git" hates me, I mean really loathes me. I mean, the man wanted my mother for Merlin's sake! How could he turn around and suddenly feel an irrepressible urge to bang her spawn…this spawn which is, need I remind you, also part of James Potter, who he hated with all his being for stealing away his piece of ass. Seriously guys, it's kinda gross.
Alright. Lucius Malfoy. Again, this guy is old, even older than Snape. He's a Malfoy who's not given me any, and I mean ANY, reason to like him. In fact, in the chamber of secrets movie, if you listened very closely, he quite nearly Avada'd me! Sure, he's rich and powerful and, once you get over his initial evil, he's a good family man, but really guys, if you were going to pick a Malfoy, spare me and at least pick one who's closer to my age." Harry shook his head, he had reached the bottom of the scroll.
"And now, here's one that makes me question your sanity. Now, ask yourselves, why in the name of all that is Quiddich I, Harry Potter, Savior of the Wizarding World, Boy-Who-Lived, hater of all things evil, and destructor of the biggest baddie of them all, want to bone said bad guy!? Also, in case some of you have forgotten, he happens to be totally gross! Seriously! He's nasty! He has NO NOSE! Sorry Voldie, only telling it like it is, but come on! Especially you guys who don't at least invent some magical way he could go back to being Tom Riddle, who Hermione and Ginny both tell me was quite the looker. It's one thing to lust after Lord Voldemort, remarkably attractive product of lots of fanmade magic spells and rituals, but it is quite another to have me wanting Lord Voldemort, scaly, molding, reincarnated-from-old-bones-and-my-blood guy with no nose, no lips, and an oddly reptilian quality to his skin and facial features. I mean, come on guys! Seriously!" Harry was flushed bright red by the end of his rant. Obviously, this upset him greatly.
"Alright guys, you can sit down now" he said to the men standing in front of him, they complied and sat amongst the other Potterverse characters.
"Now, the last thing I want you all to hear concerns one Draco Malfoy. He seems to be the prime choice for all of you guys who enjoy putting me in compromising situations with other men. One, he isn't a fecking Veela! Nor is he a vampire or an elf or any other magical creature you lot seem to have a grand old time making up. He is also, as written in the "19 years later" segment of the very last book, straight as a ruler…a wooden ruler…one that does not bend. He has a wife…and a kid at the end of that and so do I. In fact, I married Ginny Weasley!" he gesticulated to the redhead who was at the receiving end of thousands of glares, Draco and JKR rose from their seats.
"Now I'm going to say it for you all so you're not mistaken. Draco Malfoy and I are straight! We're not in love with each other or with any of the other male characters in the Potter Universe. J.K Rowling herself wrote it and she's like…the almighty ruler of all that is Potter so it's true! I like girls, particularly Ginny Weasley and Draco married a dark haired witch! That is that!" he finished his speech and stepped away before stomping down the podium and out the door. Draco, who looked thoroughly amused, leaned toward the mic
"There's refreshments and all that behind you for when you're all done being shocked" he said and he too made his exit. JKR waved,
"Cheers" she said and exited as well.
Lily sat in her chair, frozen, mouth hanging open. Had she cared to look around, she would have noticed that all the other fanfictioners around her were the same. It was ten minutes of stunned silence until somebody in the fanfiction crowd snorted,
"Well, that was incriminating" she said. Murmurs of agreement rose from the crowd,
"I mean, why take all the time to tell us he's so straight, why did he take so much time in avoiding mentioning any of them was good looking. To appear more straight than he is!"
"Yeah, I don't believe it for a second! Let's go get snacks then leave. I've got a Harry/Snape fic I want to finish before school tomorrow" gradually the authors filtered to the back of the room towards the snack table. Lily got up but avoided the snacks, she needed to get back and work on her own fic soon. She went to the door in the front of the room from which Harry and the rest had entered.
Once outside she turned instinctually left and figured that her body knew where to go since she couldn't remember herself. She walked along the hall until she heard noises ahead; she quickly ducked into a branch hallway and peered around the corner.
Her eyes widened, there, against the wall, were Harry and Draco, and they weren't doing anything that could be described as PG. She turned back around the corner. Straight they said? Lily smirked. About as straight as a pretzel.
"Do you think they believed me?" she heard Harry murmur, his voice was muffled.
Lily peeked around the corner to see Draco smirk and lean in closer.
"Not one bit"
The End
Lily: so yeah, apparently he lies.