"Sin is not hurtful because it is forbidden, but it is forbidden because it is hurtful."

A/U: Oh my god! I can't believe it. I wrote a fanfic and it's in english. I now updated my profile here. If you wish to know who is the crazy shiznat fangirl then you're welcome to have a look. I really don't know if this is crap since english is just my second language. But I thought I want to give it try. So here it is.

Beta: Ivy Rose Thorn

Disclaimer: I don't own Mai HiME... man that really hurts

Sins and Virtues

My broken halo

It's said that there are seven deadly sins, which, when committed, destroyed the life of grace, and created the threat of eternal damnation unless either absolved through the sacrament of confession, or otherwise forgiven through perfect contrition. But I will never regret my feelings for you. Not even if my soul is damned to burn in hell for eternity.

And here I declare myself guilty for the sin of Envy because I always catch myself being jealous on everybody who's near you. I cannot stop myself from trying to be the center of attention because I want you to look at me, to notice a tiny bit of my presence beside you. Almost everybody admires me for a thing called perfection, which is not there and never will be. But you never saw me that way, yet you not even noticed me. You're in your own little dream world. You prefer to be alone and everybody leaves you this way because your cold shell protects you so perfectly. I envy you for having the chance to be alone whenever you want, for not faking your smiles to please everybody around you, for just being yourself. I never had the chance to be honest with somebody. They always just saw what they wanted to see, a responsible girl with a perfect smile on her lips.

Every time you talk to somebody I find myself glaring at them. I want to be the one talking to you. I want to look into your sparkling eyes. I really want to see my reflection in those beautiful eyes. Therefore, I declare myself guilty for the sin of Pride because I try to be someone special to you.

I pretend to be different, but I'm just one of your fan girls. Sometimes I even believe myself that I am someone special, so you will maybe look at me, until reality strikes me back to my fake life. I don't dare to speak to you. My pride tells me that I cannot bear your denial. I see no way to get over it. I just walk past to you looking so self-confident and you are annoyed by my arrogance. But I'm trembling, inside I'm trembling… I try to control myself, try not to touch you, not to hold you, not to even notice you and the pride keeps up my perfect masquerade. Though when I'm alone I feel how badly I want all of this. So I declare myself guilty for the sin of Lust.

Feeling, touching, holding... Our loving gazes met, you lean in for a tender kiss; your sweet lips feel so soft. I'm touching your pale skin, running my fingers through your silky dark hair; a little moan escapes your throat. Your hand feverishly strokes along my rib cage. Your touches make me forget everything and let me feel true happiness. Always falling asleep in each other's arms. Always waking up alone, 'cause these are only dreams. Only in my dreams these things are able to happen. There's no way that someone like you want to be with me in that way, maybe not even in a normal, friendly way. And I can understand that. I really can. It's not right for a girl to have such feelings towards some other girl they say and they may be right but I can't help it. It's just the way I feel about you and I can't get enough of you, even if I don't have anything of you. I just can't get enough. Hence, I declare myself guilty for the sin of Gluttony.

More and more of you is crawling deeper into my skin, reaching my heart, which pumps you into every last cell of my body. I'm already filled up with these feelings for you. Tell me, why can't I stop having such thoughts? Why can't I look away from you? I try to picture every image of you in my head for the hope of another fulfilling dream. Just to be with you there is enough for me; that's what I pretend. Now I can't fight the urge to hope for those dreams to come true. I want more when I already have you somewhat close but yet so far away. I should be happy to see you every day but I just keep on wanting more. Sometimes I really scare myself when I catch myself by the thoughts of possessing you. Here I have to declare myself guilty for sin of Greed.

The wish to be with you every second of our lives is consuming me now and then. I can feel it grows stronger day by day and I wonder how long I will be able to endure it, even to suppress it. I think I can't hold myself back forever; in fact I'm tired of being this way. I don't feel like moving on. It could be so easy if I would just live on and forget about you. Though I know this is impossible. But living like this is ridiculous as well. That is called the sin of Sloth and here I declare myself guilty for it.

Sometimes I wish I were dead, no feelings – no problems but then also no sparkling eyes, no beautiful smile of you. So I think I have to move on to get a chance to talk to you maybe someday; to overcome the fear and pride. Therefore, I will keep on walking, even if it's slow walking, it will be walking. I will hold my head up against the tiring pain of loneliness. I will try to stand straight and not to rest on my way to your heart. May the way not be there now I will try to build it up for me, maybe someday I could say I built it up for you too; for us. It could be so easy if I would just bring myself to talk to you. Such a simple thing like talking but it's different if it's you. Everything is different if it includes you. It makes me furious and I so hate myself for being this way. Wrath is the sin I declare myself guilty for.

Sometimes I want to destroy every beautiful detail of this unfair world but I don't want to destroy you; to hurt you in any way. I want rather protect you from anything bad. Just thinking about something happening to you, let my mind go blank. But for protecting you, I should be somehow near you. Then why do I make everything so damn complicated? Why I don't say a random thing to you or ask you a simple question, because it would be nothing special, so it wouldn't fit you. I want it to be something special if you by any chance will finally notice me. I always told myself that infinity is neither achievable nor existent. That it's a myth that we use to believe in for our own salvation. But somehow I know that my love for you is everlasting. I already lost my mind and heart to you, so what else is there to lose if I don't care about pride anymore. If you will not speak to me and even if you'll hate me, I will try. Deep in my heart I always have because all I see is you. If you will build up walls I will break them, if you'll freeze your heart I will melt the ice and if you refuse my feelings I will accept it. I will be whatever you want me to be. Be it friend or lover as long as I could just be something special to you. But for that I have to try even if it breaks me. And so one day I tried.

"You shouldn't do that."

There is no way back now. I already spoke the words to your back and now you turn to face me with a surprised look. So I somehow continued.

"Beautiful flowers are to be loved since it's doing its best to bloom during its short life, ne?"

That was the first time you were looking at me and I will never forget your beautiful emerald eyes. How could I? You gave me the chance to look in those eyes many more times now and I cherish every moment with you. It is not much but some things need time to grow and I will wait for you.

Maybe I'm not worth this because I'm too sinful to be near you but I can't help the wish to be with you. So I can just hope that you'll never see the insecure girl under the broken halo and that it will never break free.

A/U: So that's it. Here is your proof that readers (especially those ones who speak english just as their second language) should remain as readers and writers (and there are many good ones out there greetz kara-san and jaded088 and many more )) should remain as writers.
So now I can die happy because I wrote finally something about my addiction. I'm impressed that this story has actually over 1400 words because I don't think that I know more than 10 words in english. (note from brain: this sentence included more than ten words) Ok, come on shut up where have you been when I wrote this story. I'll get you back for this runs away to catch her brain

Reviews are always welcome since it's my first story please be kind... or be rude I don't care, just review. Thanks to my beta Ivy Rose Thorn.