Quid Pro Quo

"I can't believe Cuddy is making us do this."

"It's not that big of a deal, House. You owe her this much."

"I didn't ask for your opinion, Wilson. Besides, this is the sort of thing you would jump at the chance to do. I, on the other hand, do not enjoy putting myself up for auction in front of desperate, needy women who have nothing better to do with their lives."

"It's a charity bachelor auction; it's all in good fun and everything helps fund the hospital. You know, the hospital that you have crippled financially time and again with your lawsuits?"

"Spoilsport."

House abruptly got out of his seat and started to leave Wilson's office.

"Wait, where are you going?"

House grinned. "I just had the most brilliant idea."

"Uh-oh…" Wilson grimaced.

"I promised Cuddy I'd be in this auction, but if no one bids on me, then I don't have to take anyone out on a crappy, awkward date."

Wilson quirked an eyebrow at House. "So what are you going to do?"

"What I do best: sabotage."

"Welcome to the first annual Princeton Plainsboro Teaching Hospital Charity Bachelor Auction!" Dr. Cuddy stood at the podium on stage at the banquet hall as employees, friends, and well-wishers milled around.

"It just rolls off your tongue." House mumbled to Wilson backstage, eliciting a small smirk.

"It's not that bad, House."

"No, you're right, it isn't. Cuddy gave us another wonderful opportunity to ogle her cleavage."

Wilson bit back a chuckle as he looked to Cuddy, decked in an electric blue strapless evening gown. He had to admit that she looked amazing; she always did at these events.

"Hey!" House elbowed him lightly. "Leave some ogling for the rest of us!"

Cuddy continued her announcements. "Now, we would like to get this event started. I'm sure some of the ladies are getting impatient." She gave the crowd her warmest smile. "So I won't make you wait any longer, let's start with the bidding! I'd like to call Nurse Brenda Previn on stage."

"Just what we need, the devil and her second-in-command." House muttered.

Cuddy got off stage as Brenda made her way to the podium and smiled. "Good evening everyone. We will start with the bidding, and remember that all proceeds will go towards funding our very own hospital. First up is Dr. Robert Chase."

Wilson shot House a look. "Chase got sucked into this too?"

"This is going to be good…" House grinned.

"Dr. Chase specializes in Intensive Care and is currently one of the few doctors in our illustrious Diagnostics Department. In his spare time, he enjoys cooking and experimenting with cultural cuisine."

An excited murmur erupted from the crowd of women.

House gagged "Cultural cuisine? That is complete crap. And they didn't even mention that he's Australian. No one wants to date an Australian…"

"Shut up, House." Wilson cut him off, turning his attention back to the bidding.

"Do I have 250? I have 250. Anyone for 275?" Brenda scanned the crowd for more bids.

Cameron bit her lip nervously before raising her hand. "275!" The other girls gave her irritated looks.

"Ooh, this is going to get ugly." House noted. "Cool."

"300!"

"350!"

"425!"

"500!"

"550!"

Cameron looked at the other girls in shock, then at Chase. She paused for a moment, studying him as he stood on the stage, then finally made up her mind. "700!"

The room fell silent. Chase was grinning from ear to ear.

Wilson shook his head in disbelief. "I can't believe she spent that much money on him! Chase has been asking her out for weeks, she could have had that date for free."

"I'm surprised she scared those other women off. They were vicious. Our little Cameron is growing up!" House mockingly shed a tear.

"Hey, Foreman's up." Wilson said under his breath, pulling House's attention back to the event.

"Shall we start the bidding? I have 180!"

"Hey, isn't that Nurse Foster bidding on Foreman? And quite fiercely too…" Wilson noted.

"Or as I like to call her, the Wicked Witch of the West Ward." House scoffed. "Good luck to Foreman if he has to take her out on a date!"

"And we have 450 here for Dr. Foreman. Any other takers?"

Nurse Foster looked as pleased as a cat about to pounce on its prey, but Foreman looked like he wanted to turn and run the other way. He looked around the crowd of women, hoping to find another bidder, but there was no one to come to his rescue.

Suddenly, he caught Cameron's eye and gave her the most pleading look he could muster. Would she get him out of this?

"Uh, I'll bid 550 for Foreman!" Cameron suddenly shouted out.

"Any other takers?" Nurse Brenda asked, but the bid had silenced Nurse Foster.

"Another one of our bachelors goes to Dr. Cameron!"

A wave of complaints rose from the crowd.

"Save some for the rest of us!" Someone shouted, causing the audience to laugh good-naturedly.

"Wow, Cameron's on a roll!" Wilson was impressed.

"I'll say. Where is Cameron getting all of this money? I am definitely paying her way too much." House added.

"Next up is Dr. Wilson, head of the Oncology Department."

Wilson quickly made his way to the front of the stage.

"Dr. Wilson is a serial divorcee. He has been married three times already, and every single one of his marriages has been a disaster. He is also known for his many scandalous affairs around the hospital." Nurse Brenda announced, turning to look at Wilson in confusion.

"What!?" Wilson cried out.

Nurse Brenda shrugged. "It's true enough, I guess…" She grinned somewhat maliciously at him.

"But. I…what?" Wilson was speechless, until realization hit him. He turned to House. "Sabotage? I thought you were only going to sabotage yourself not me too!"

"Hey, bros before hoes, man. We're in this together, Wilson. If I'm going down, then so are you."

"That's not how this works!" Wilson shouted.

Cuddy watched the scene in horror, and quickly ran back up to the podium on stage. "Um, as you can see. Dr. Wilson has a great sense of humour. He is definitely a great catch. Do we have any bidders?"

The crowd remained silent, watching the scene with mild amusement.

"Alright then." Cuddy began, squaring her shoulders. "I will bid 175 on Wilson."

"Are there any other bidders?" Nurse Brenda piped in, examining the crowd to find no one making a move.

"Going once, going twice…sold! Dr. Wilson goes to Dr. Cuddy for 175!" Nurse Brenda announced with fake enthusiasm.

Cuddy smiled nervously at the crowd and made her way off the stage.

Wilson returned backstage, giving House an incredibly irate look. "I can't believe you did that to me!"

"What are you complaining about? You got a date with the hottest person in the whole hospital. Present company excluded of course…" House replied, trying his best to be flippant.

Wilson narrowed his eyes, sensing House's weakness and wanting nothing more than to exploit it at that moment. "Well, that is true. But it isn't like this will be our first date. There have been many before."

"Two dates is not many." House spat back with some obvious jealousy. "Besides, it was a pity bid."

"Pity bid or not, I still have a hot date. You're going to have nothing by the end of tonight."

House stared at Wilson with annoyance, opening his mouth to reply, but was cut off by Nurse Brenda's announcement.

"And next we have Dr. House, head of the Diagnostics Department!"

House proudly made his way to the front of the stage. The on-lookers watched in wonder. It wasn't often the infamous doctor made a public appearance.

"Well, it says here that Dr. House is a misanthropic cynical genius who has little patience for incompetence. He's antisocial, overbearing and loves to procrastinate whenever he gets the chance." Nurse Brenda chuckled to herself. "This is just brilliant."

"Oh, and I'm also crippled!" House cut in with a fake polite smile.

"Shall we start the bidding at 0?" Brenda asked the crowd sarcastically as they stood in shock.

House watched them all smugly as no one made any effort to place any bids. He would be out of there scot-free in no time.

"Alright then, going once…going twice..."

Cuddy sighed. "I am not letting you get away with this, House." She muttered. "I will bid 175 for Dr. House."

"We have an offer from Dr. Cuddy! Are there any other takers?" The crowd of hospital employees looked at Cuddy with knowing smiles on their face. Her bid left them thinking that the rumours were undoubtedly true. She would just have to deal with that matter later…

"Ok, then Dr. House goes to Dr. Cuddy for 175. Come on everyone, you need to step up your game. Dr. Cuddy and Dr. Cameron are getting away with everyone tonight!" Nurse Brenda said with a hint of antagonism.

House made his way backstage, taking his place next to Wilson, a satisfied smile affixed on his face.

"You were right, Wilson. Tonight wasn't that bad after all."

House and Wilson found themselves back in Wilson's office the next morning. Things were looking like they were back to normal, but they both knew that it was just the calm before the storm.

Soon enough, Cuddy burst into the office.

"Just what did the two of you think you were doing last night?!" Cuddy did not even attempt to hide her anger.

"We weren't thinking." House answered innocently, not even looking up at her as she entered.

Wilson sighed. "Cuddy, I didn't even have anything to do with this, I swear."

"I don't care!" She snapped. "You made me look like a fool in front of all of my colleagues."

"We do that on a daily basis." House admitted dismissively.

Cuddy narrowed her eyes at him.

"Oh, and don't forget, you have to be nice to us. I mean, we still have that date and all…"

"I don't want to look at either of you, let alone go out on a date!"

House pouted at her in disappointment. "Well, that's quite hypocritical of you to skimp out on us, isn't it? You can't run a benefit bachelor auction and then not follow up on your own rules!"

"Fine." Cuddy shot back. "But I am definitely not paying for two dates."

"Kinky." House grinned at her.

She rolled her eyes. "I will see both of you in my office before the end of the day. This is not over!" She stomped out of the room before they could get another word in.

House leaned in, ribbing Wilson. "We are so gonna score." He said proudly.

This fic was written for the Cuddy Fest challenge on Livejournal. Hopefully you enjoyed it. I love House, Cuddy and Wilson on so many levels. :) Please read and review! Thanks!