Summary: Cartman and company go to Hogwarts.

Disclaimer: I do not own Harry Potter or South Park.

Prologue

Stark's Pond, July 31st, 14:21

Today was the best day of Eric Cartman's life. Many days of his life were good -like the day when he found a lost candybar under the couch- but this day was just awesome. Today, at ten years of age, he could finally prove that he was better than Kyle. He already knew that of course, but today he could finally rub the sweet, sweet truth in the little Jew's face. The fat boy narrowed his eyes and looked for his prey among the playing and swimming kids -there! A boy with frizzy red hair was sitting on the beach, accompagnied by the collateral damage that went by the names of Stan and Kenny.

"Target located; prepare for annihilation," Cartman grinned evilly as he approached them.

"Hi guys, how are you doing today?" whined Eric, "Especially you Kyle, are you enjoying yourself today?"

"Fine, I guess. Why?"

"No reason. So, this day has been pretty good for you, right? Well, that's good. I'm glad for you. No, no, don't look so surprised, I mean it! After all, even lesser lifeforms such as yourself deserve some happiness."

The words were coated in a thick layer of sugar. Kyle sighed deeply.

"Cartman, if this is a jibe at me being a Jew again, then-"

"Oh no Kyle, not at all -although that certainly is another reason for your inferiority, now that you mention it… No Kyle, the real reason why you are inferior to me is because I, Eric Cartman, am a wizard."

Silence followed. Kyle and Kenny exchanged an annoyed glance. Stan threw a small pebble into the pond. Eric waited a moment for the words to sink in, and then continued:

"Yes, it's true. I am a wizard. I master the ancient mystic powers, and bend them to my will. I am powerful, far moreso than you'll ever be, jew. I am a wizard...and most importantly; you are not. Nanananana...na! Hahahahaha...ha!" Cartman danced around Kyle, pointing and laughing all the while. Kyle, Stan and Kenny rolled their eyes.

Cartman fell to his knees and praised the heavens.

"Oh thank you lord, thank you for this blessed day!"

"Cartman..."

"Thank you for finally giving me the irrefutable proof that I'm better than Kyle Brovlovski! O Lord, I love you!"

"Cartman, I'm a wizard too."

"What? No- No you're not! Don't lie to me Kyle! Lying is a crime in the wizarding world, it's a capital offense! Take it back and say you´re not a wizard!"

"It's true Cartman; Kyle's a wizard. Kenny is one too," Stan said flatly.

"..."

"Cartman..."

"Is he still breathing?"

"Cartman?"

Cartman, palefaced and wide-eyed, said nothing. He stayed frozen on the spot for a while, and then he got up and walked away. He aimlessy wandered around the pool for a while before leaving in the direction of his house, leaving a concerned Kyle, Kenny and Stan behind.

"Do you think he'll be alright?" Kyle asked.

"I don't know. This is a big disappointment for him. Probably the biggest he has ever had in his life - including the time he found out the rumors of a Chucky Cheese opening in town were fake." Stan was still staring at the spot where Cartman disappeared from his view.

"Mmrhmmph mmhrmmph?" Kenny asked, his face covered with a thick orange shawl. The other kids laughed at him for wearing a shawl in the middle of summer, but he had gotten a nasty cold and his mom would kill him if he didn't wear his shawl.

"Yes Kenny, I'm afraid this means that Cartman will go to Hogwarts too."