Title: Kismet- fate as a predetermining power.
Rating: all chapters T, with one M.
Distribution: Anywhere, just please ask first.
Thanks: To adamsgirl for fixing my mistakes :)
Dedication: This is for the guys over at talk, who were wondering where all the EC fics have disapeared to.
WARNING: Bad language and sexual themes later on... No one under the legal age for your country. You have been warned.
I am in pain. Actual physical pain. I've been mad before, angry even, but never like this. Standing in a corner of the layout room with, I'm sure, steam coming out of my ears, I try not to listen. Natalia's voice becomes irritating as her words urge Calleigh on. What the hell is she doing? Is she trying to hurt me? She knows very well how I feel about Calleigh, she'd even picked up on it; yet here she was deep into a conversation, encouraging Calleigh to do things that made me want to... Right, evidence. I study the numbers carefully. 'If 415 became 4:15, a time, then the 7 and the 2 mean...' Oh crap, why bother. I lower my head and keep on listening. I have to, I have to hear what he does that makes her so happy. I have to know what I am not doing.
"...and then Jake said he'd take me to see that movie, the one I was telling you about, if I went with him to..."
Jake.
It has been all of 2 weeks and I was already sick to the back teeth of hearing his name. Just listening to her southern tones flow over his name with each pronunciation makes my skin crawl. Part of me wants to cry; but mostly I want to scream. At him, at her, it doesn't matter. She is closest and I can already feel my rage building. I saw him kiss her, right in the middle of the lobby. I've used the phrase 'heart-broken' rather flippantly in the past, but that's what I was. The moment his lips touched hers, the last of my defences came crashing down and ripped my heart into pieces. Since then I've heard his name too many times for my liking. Jake this, Jake that. I am going insane.
It's like she is deliberately trying to hut me. Maybe she is, could she be that cruel? No, I immediately abolish that thought; Calleigh is the most caring person on the planet. She wouldn't do this if she knew it hurt me. But she must know, how can anyone be that blind.
"...so do you think I should tell my dad that Jake and I are back together, I mean they never got on in the past, but maybe now..."
I love her. I know that and I know she loves me too. She's my best friend; my confidante; my centre. But recently, and I don't know why, all these feelings have intensified. I don't know if I am 'IN love' with her, I have never felt that before,. But whatever it is, it's big.
"...What do you think, Eric?"
Christ, she is still talking? Through my fog of self imposed anger, I notice her intense eyes and decide it's in my best interests to answer. "What was the question?" I ask, fighting back more anger as she gives me that patented 'annoyed' look. Somehow that look always manages to make her look more beautiful, and that makes me angry. I don't want to find her beautiful, I'm mad. I shouldn't even want to look at her right now. I know, intellectually, my rage is irrational. I never told her how I felt, the woman isn't a mind-reader -though I wonder sometimes.
"Are you listening at all?" she asks, and I know she's irritated. I can hear it in her voice and see it in her pose. And that's the thing with Calleigh, no matter what, I know exactly what's going on with her. I can tell what she's thinking by simply looking in her eyes. Always. Except when it comes to me. Useful huh?
"Yeah, I was just caught up in this evidence," I lie, and I know she catches it. I avoid eye contact knowing that would be my undoing. One look in my eyes and I may as well show her my diary. Not that I have a diary but you get the idea.
"Do you think I should tell my dad about Jake and I?" she repeats, rolling her eyes to Natalia. Stay Calm, Delko, I tell myself.
"I don't know, Calleigh. Do what you want," I reply coldly. No 'Cal' this time, no sir, I am mad and I want her to know it. And, oh, she catches it. Boy does she catch it! I see her jaw clench and her eyes turn cold as she turns back to Natalia.
"Well, Jake says..."
Then I lose it. Completely and totally lose it. Control: out of the window. I have never felt so betrayed, so hurt. I slam my hand down on the table, causing them both to jump. "I don't give a fucking damn what Jake thinks!" I scream, totally out of control, with no thought of my surroundings. It's just me and her. " Jake, Jake, Jake! I don't give a damn what you do! Just stop talking for once! I don't want to hear his fucking name again, got it?"
She stands mute, eyes wide as she regards me with a mixture of fear,and anger. I know she's scared, I've never spoken to her like this before. Sure we've fought, but I've never shouted and I have definitely never sworn.
"Jesus," I mutter, and I see her eyes fill with tears. Now at any other time I'd be over there in a flash, arms extended waiting to be brushed of with 'I'm fine', but this time? God, her tears just make me madder.
"Why the hell are you crying!?" I scream again. I can't seem to stop myself. I'm the one who's hurt; I'm the one who has to watch the one I love be with another man. Her boyfriend. Boyfriend; that word alone makes my skin crawl, never mind all the nights I'd lie in bed, imagining him touching her, with hot angry tears on my cheeks. I was alone.
"Eric, what..."
"What? You're asking me what? How fucking blind are you?" I feel my own tears now and turn away, not wanting for her to see me cry. My breath comes out in sharp pants in a vain attempt to contain my rage.
"Why are you being like this? I don't understand.. I..." she tries, but her ignorance only results in more pain for me. I feel like my heart is breaking all over again.
"I can't stand seeing you with him. Get it now?" I almost yell, but stop. What am I doing?
"I didn't know you hate him so much." Her voice is surprisingly soft, given the way I am treating her. I look at her incredulously. I can't believe she doesn't know how I feel, even she cannot deny the sudden tension between us, and she's the master of avoidance.
"He could be anyone, and I'd hate him." That wasn't totally true. I can't stand to see her with anyone, but the fact that it's Jake, well that made me madder. He broke her heart once, and I can't believe she's letting him back in. Calleigh is normally so guarded with her emotions. It kills me to think she's changed for him.
"Why?" She looks seriously confused now.
"Oh please you're not that stupid!" I shoot back, my rage sated for the moment but I can't stop my voice dripping with sarcasm. I see fresh tears form behind the anger before she turns and walks out of the lab.
Shit.
"What the hell was that about?" Natalia asks, and I can see the confusion and worry on her face.
"What were you trying to do, hurt me?" I know I sound pathetic but can't stop my irritation.
"I get it; you're jealous," she states, confidently. I know she sees the question behind my eyes because her lips pull up slightly in amusement.
"I'm not jealous...I'm just..." Jealous. I knew it, she knew it. Hell, I think the entire lab knows it. (Especially after my macho, cave-man display.) That's right boys and girls, Eric Delko is jealous; rip my heart out jealous.
"It's alright to be jealous. I'm just surprised you're not over her yet."
"Over her?" I cry, surprised that my voice take on this squeaky, high-pitched quality.
"Normally your crushes last about a month, then you move on to the next one." She is folding papers and putting them away, talking about it like it was totally obvious. Crush? Man, do I feel guilty. If Calleigh truly didn't know then... but how could she not? I'm not that hard to read.
"Is that what Calleigh thinks?"
She smiles now, almost patronizing, "Eric, with all due respect, you're sexual repertoire could put Casanova out of a job. Do you blame her for thinking it's just a crush?"
I hadn't thought about it like that. My sexual past was a mess, my days of mourning the loss of my best friend, riddled with random anonymous sex.
Toothing was my way of releasing the pent up anger, and sorrow, but it only left me feeling emptier. Then I lost my badge, and the whole sorry affair came out. I can still remember the look on Calleigh's face when she found out.
The disappointment was obvious, but I still wonder if the flash of pain, and jealousy I'm sure I saw was simply a figment of my imagination, or something real. But she'd been so 'Calleigh' about the whole thing, detached and repressed. Anything that could cause her pain was neatly compartmentalized into that labyrinth that was her heart. A place I can never venture. I know one day all the walls she keeps around her self will tumble down, and I pray that she'll be strong enough to survive. The pain would be a lot easier to bear if she'd just pull them down her self but I know she'd never do that.
I glance to Natalia and see her looking expectantly. "No, I guess not," I pause, feeling the sorrow and guilt flow over me, sending a stab of pain right to my heart, "but she's with him now." I catch her smile at my avoidance of his name.
"Eric, you know this wont last. She gave him her heart once, and he broke it. She wont risk it again. He's just... a filler..."
"A filler?"
"Yeah, a way to fight the loneliness. You know what I mean. Look, it's the end of shift now, so just go talk to her."
"But she looks so happy..." I say quietly, not wanting to think about her bright smile when she spoke of him.
"Eric, just talk to her."
"Yeah, Ok." I reply uncertainly, sighing before following the same path Calleigh took to the elevator and out of the building.
Time to face the music.
A/N Ok, the next chapters will alternate between Calleigh an Eric's point of view. I'd love to know how I'm doing so far?