CosPlayers dye their hair various shades of blue and swing plastic replicas of Armads and Siegmunde and Ragnell. Crazed Fangirls wave banners that read "WE LOVE YOU ERK!" or "ZOMG, LYON HAVE MY BABIES!" or "SOREN IS MY SEXY BISHIE!" Hardcore gamers converse in their unintelligible dielects of 1337-Speak. Some are clearly noobs. Others are major PWNers. They gather by the thousands to bare witness to an extordinary event...

HellFireSupremacy: Introducing a series of events that needs no introduction, the Fire Emblem Olympics. Elibe, Magvell, and Tellius are going head-to-head in an international competition of sporting prowess. Three worlds. Three teams. One gold cup. Let the games begin.

Oh yeah, one more thing. I don't own Fire Emblem.

FIRST EVENT: THE ARCHERY COMPETITION

The crowd at Fire Emblem Stadium goes wild as three expert snipers take the field. The lethal beauty Louise represents Elibe. She sweeps back a lock of blonde hair and regards her hearty competition with her violet-eyed gaze.

The haughty Prince Innes of Frelia represents Magvell. He is skilled, but overconfident. The competition hasn't even started yet and already he has judged his fellow snipers as inferiors.

The arrogant mercenary Shinon represents Tellius. He is a commoner by birth and distains the pampered upper crust of society. The prospect of beating a prince and a noble woman in a competition of skill greatly appeals to him.

"ROUND ONE, RAPID FIRE!" announces the master of ceremonies. "Contestants will fire on their targets until time expires. Fastest shooter wins the round."

"My time to shine!" Louise calls out. "You boys don't know what you're in for!"

"GO!"

The snipers open fire on their targets. Louise is the fastest of the three. She fires off more shots than Innes and Shinon combined. And while her accuracy suffers a bit from the speed of her shots, she nevertheless lands enough hits to secure a solid lead in the first round. Shinon comes in distant second. A shocked Innes comes in dead last.

"ROUND TWO, DISTANCE SHOTS!"

At first the three archers appear evenly matched, but as the targets move farther back it becomes apparent that Louise lacks the muscle to keep up with Innes and Shinon. At long distance Innes uses his trademark arc-shot to keep his arrow on course while Shinon struggles to keep up. Eventually Shinon slips and victory goes to Innes in the second round.

"Hah!" Innes blusters. "I may have gotten off to a weak start, but I'm still the best!"

"You wish blue-blood!" taunts Shinon. "I'm gonna make you my bitch in round three. There's no way in hell I'm losing to some stuck up noble!"

"Ignorant commoner, victory will be mine!"

"ROUND THREE, ARENA COMBAT!"

One by one the contestants fight a slew of foes in arena style blood sport. Shinon quickly dispatched all four of his opponents with instant-kill headshots. Louise has to do quite a bit of dodging to get into position for her first shot and consequently winds up breaking a nail, but manages to beat all of her enemies without further incident. Innes doesn't try anything fancy; he just bides his time and takes a shot whenever the opportunity presents itself. Everyone performs well, but in the end Shinon's style clearly wins out over Louise's manuevers and Innes's conservative tactics.

"ROUND FOUR, BALLISTA SHOTS!"

Having received extensive ballista training during his year of service in the Daien army, Shinon wins this round easily. All five of his bolts hit their targets. Innes and Louise each only hit three of their five shots.

"How's that blue-bloods!? Ignorant commoner takes the lead in the fourth round!"

"There's still one more round boor," Louise sternly reminds Shinon. "This match can go any way."

"FINAL ROUND, TRICK SHOOTING!"

Frontrunner Shinon does his trick first. He fires an arrow up in the air and hits it with a second arrow at the height of its arc. The backspin from the impact keeps the first arrow hovering in midair for several seconds. When the arrow stops spinning it falls from its arc and goes into a vertical drop. At the precise moment when the falling arrow is level with the targets in the field, Shinon fires a third shot straight at the bulls-eye. The shot bisects the falling arrow and strikes the bulls-eye dead on. The crowd goes wild.

ANNOUNCER: THAT'S GOING TO BE A TOUGH ACT TO FOLLOW. LET'S SEE WHAT MS. LOUISE HAS IN STORE FOR THE JUDGES.

Louise is next. She loads three arrows onto her bow at once and fires a triple-shot volley, hitting three separate targets with one twang of the bowstring. She repeats the trick three times, hitting a grand total of twelve targets in only four volleys. The crowd goes wild…again.

ANNOUNCER: TWO DOWN, ONE TO GO. AS OF NOW THE GOLD MEDAL FOR ARCHERY BELONGS TO SNIPER SHINON. WILL THE FIRST VICTORY OF THE COMPETITION GO TO TEAM TELLIUS OR CAN PRINCE INNES PULL OFF A SURPRISE WIN FOR MAGVELL IN THE FINAL ROUND .

Innes responds to the announcement with a smug smile.

"You bet your ass I can."

With that, Innes proceeds to flawlessly replicate Shinon's trick and Louise's multi-shot and then goes into his own routine.

"I call this the reverse arc-shot. Watch and learn amateurs."

Innes fires ten perfectly spaced arc-shots into the air. The first shot goes the highest. Each subsequent shot travels below the previous one on a shorter flight path. The ten shots converge on a single bulls-eye in reverse order with the last shot fired striking first and the first shot fired striking last. The crowd is awestruck. The stadium erupts in applause.

ANNOUNCER: LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I THINK WE ALL KNOW WHO WINS THIS ONE. TEAM MAGVELL TAKES THE LEAD IN THE FIRST COMPETITION OF THE GAMES. GIVE IT UP FOR THE FIRE EMBLEM OLYMPIC ARCHERY CHAMPION, PRINCE INNES!

"SHINON, YOU ASS-CLOWN!" Ike hollered from the sidelines.

Elsewhere in the stadium Ephraim could be heard by anyone who cared to listen boasting "I can do that with my javelins! Innes actually learned that trick from me! True Story." Eirika smacks her twin brother upside the head for being an idiot.

…Gheb…

That's right. Gheb. Captain Fatback is stepping into the ring, and he's going in solo. Sumo Style.