Dedicated to Allie and Mimi
Warning:Yaoi
Pairing: Renji x Shuuhei - spread the RenShuu love!
It's like an explosion in my chest. My heart beating in a sporadic rhythm and I can't hear anything but the dull thump in my chest, faster, faster; our breaths so slight and small so as not to disturb the silence that's fallen upon us. There's an invisible line between us and we're seconds away from crossing it. It's a completely different view of my life and where it's going and I'm terrified. What if we don't make it? And you just fade away from me forever.
I don't know what it is about tonight, but this moment feels like our only chance. And I can't help but to wonder if you feel it too? You're looking at me questioningly – maybe you don't feel the same and I'm about the rip the friendship we spent years creating and building into a million tiny pieces. There's this look in your eyes willing me to tell you what's on my mind and there's this smile on your lips pulling me closer to you, confusing the thoughts in my head until I just want to kiss you and the light pink dusting your cheeks urges all rationality away so there's no longer a voice warning me of the consequences of acting on impulse.
Why are you blushing? Have I let something slip? Or are you feeling the sensations I am? You make me want to scream my feelings out to the world yet keep them locked up for only us to see at the same time. You confuse me and elude me. You make me want to laugh with the giddiness you evoke in me yet bleed with the pain of your absence whenever you leave the room. My thoughts are in total overdrive, image after image of the time we spent together flashing across my eyes, blurring into a single picture surrounded by an imaginary picture frame, of me and you standing locked in a moment.
This moment has been a long time coming. It feels like I've walked across a hundred battlefields, fought my way through a thousand barriers and forced my way through a million insecurities to get to this point.
I remember our younger days with our budding friendship, hanging around and training together. Every day we grew closer and closer and in the years that literally flew by, we remained as friends. We'd miss each other when we went away and drink ourselves stupid when we returned. We stayed up all night talking and falling asleep on each others floors even when we became too old for it to be reasonable. We were best friends. At some point, however, we naturally became each others confidants. I told you of my crush on Kuchiki-Taichou as well as my adamant desire to defeat him someday, I told you of my worries about Rukia as she sat in her cell awaiting punishment and I told you of my distinct animosity against Ichigo and how I hated that he's become so close to Rukia. I told you every little thing that crossed my mind and you returned the favour to me.
You told me how angry you were that Tousen just upped and left you for the wrong side, you confessed your mixed-up feelings for Rangiku and then later confided in me your suspicions that you were gay. I listened to every single word you said, I talked with you and I teased you because you let me- but eventually the equilibrium of our relationship shifted. It wasn't anything major and nothing strong enough to knock us down, but it became you confiding in me. After you discovered your sexuality, you developed a crush on another man – some nothing from the eleventh squad, twelfth seat or something equally unimportant. Yet you adored him. You complained to me that he didn't even know your name and that he'd never like you like that anyway. And I tried to comfort you, meaningless reassurances I didn't really believe. I've never truly been certain of anything in the future. I've lived long enough to realise even when you think you've got your life set out in front of you, something will come along to kick you in the balls and turn your whole world upside down. I never really knew what to say to you. I'm just a pessimist at heart. But I held you and told you to keep fighting for him, because really that's all you can do.
After a while something between us changed, with me – not you. I began looking forward to seeing you so much I felt like jumping and I had confusing dreams where all I could remember in the morning was that you were in them. But then you changed too. This nothingy guy from the eleventh squad asked you out. We started seeing each other less and less. My Saturday nights were no longer spent in one of our rooms getting completely wasted; they were spent in my office alone, doing paperwork or brooding about you not being there. Rukia came to see me a few times but she soon got sick of my bitching and moaning.
I still saw you sometimes and we'd talk like normal. Only every time we did, my heart raced and I'd be engulfed in this unknown feeling only you brought out in me, like I was riding on a never-ending high. But then you'd mention his name, and I would just come crashing down. I resented the way you spoke about him, I willed you to see how unworthy he was of your affection, how little he deserved your kisses, your touches…I couldn't stand that he had you…And I never would.
And it was that thought that instigated the whole thing. Why should I care that you were with him? He made you happy and as your friend I should be happy for you…but I wasn't. I was just jealous. I told myself this was just a crush and nothing more and eventually I would get over it except I didn't. The feeling just grew until it took me over completely. You were the only thing I thought about; you became my everything, an obsession, an addiction. I couldn't let go of the image of you and me growing old together. But I kept quiet. I remained the dutiful best friend, and I kept these feelings to myself.
I remember this one night, you were supposed to be going out with him and I resigned myself to another night of paperwork. I grudgingly flicked tiny paper balls on my desk, muttering to myself as I did so; Kuchiki-Taichou glaring holes into the back of my head until deciding to stand up and leave me to my insane mumblings. I sighed as he shut the door, realising this was getting me nowhere. I stood up and followed my captain out of the door, idly playing with the idea of getting an early night. However, as I walked into my bedroom, I saw you curled up on my bed, tears running down your face.
My heart broke.
It literally felt as though someone had reached inside my chest, ripped my heart out and proceeded to cut it in half with a chainsaw. I felt empty and bruised, starving for warmth and thirsty for air. I felt all of this just by looking at your tear-stained face. I opened my mouth unable to formulate the words I wanted to say; instead you spoke for me, forcing the words through your teeth. "He cheated on me."
I ran over to you and pulled you into my arms and you cried on my shoulder as I told you he wasn't worth your tears. He doesn't deserve you. No one deserves you, no matter how happy they make you -I know that no one would ever care for you as much as I do; no one would ever be able to love you better than me. I know I wouldn't be worthy of your love but I also know, I could never hurt you the way he did.
We sat there for hours until I brought us some sake to drown our sorrows and we bitched about all the little things you hated about him but disregarded in your infatuation. Then you told me about how you found him and who you found him with.
"He was gorgeous." You slurred repeatedly and you turned to me your eyes watering, dimmed and shadowed, a tear slid slowly down your cheek and you swallowed down a sob. "Why didn't he want me, Renji? Am I that unattractive?" I still find it hard to believe you could ever ask me that question. I was stunned, to say the very least. And I hated him for making you feel like this. I wanted nothing more than to beat him to a bloody pulp with my own bare hands, to make him suffer for making you feel so bad about yourself, for tearing your heart in two, for hurting you. I know I'm short-tempered and hot-headed but never before have I ever felt so…enraged. It pumped through me, caressing every inch of my insides, setting them alight with a burning fire, but I looked down at you curled up in my bed, lost in thoughts of self-deprecation and self-hate, so helpless…and the fire went out. A part of me was still itching to disembowel the scum, but you didn't need that. Instead I opened my mouth and spoke without thinking, the words rolling over my tongue, falling out of my lips.
"Don't ever let me hear you say that again. He doesn't deserve you." I spat out at you. You opened your mouth to protest but I wouldn't let you. "You're the most beautiful Person I know and if he's actually stupid enough not to see that, then he's not worth the shit on my shoe." You stared up at me and I feared I'd overstepped the mark, that I'd crossed the line and offended you or scared you somehow but you just let out a watery chuckle and the next thing I know, you'd tackled me to the bed. You looked down at me, your face red from tears, anger and a slight blush painted over your cheeks. I stared up at you. Perhaps, if my mind had been working properly I would have realised the sexual implications of the position we were in, though, I just watched your expression for some sort of sign to tell me what you were thinking. You smiled down at me and my whole body trembled in a way that made breathing almost impossible.
"Thank you." You whispered earnestly, your voice tight from crying. I smiled back at you, A feeling of incredible warmth settling in the depths of my body, igniting a whole new flame in the core of my being. A flame that flickered seductively in my heart, delightfully dulled my mind and danced sensually around my soul. Our eyes connected and it was as if I'd suddenly become whole, there was a frisson between our bodies, eliciting brand new emotions I'd yet to experience. I could see by the confused and curious look in your eyes that you'd felt it too. It was an epiphany of sorts, a kind of clarity that made our next actions seem completely reasonable. We both leant forward, our lips drawing nearer, mere centimetres between them, our breaths mingling causing my skin to burn with anticipation.
The bed creaked and that was our only warning before the whole thing came crashing down.
We both closed our eyes as we braced ourselves for the impact. We fell with the bed, landing with a soft, simultaneous 'oof' escaping both our lips. I was suddenly very thankful for the inventor of the mattress. I was well aware of how much more painful this could have been. Shuuhei raised his head from where it had made contact with my chest, his eyes wide with shock and embarrassment. We shared a second of complete bewilderment before we both broke out in peals of hysterical, slightly tipsy laughter.
Eventually our laughter subsided, and Shuuhei stood offering his hand to help me up. I took it, the odd chuckle still escaping me.
"I'm sorry." I choked out. "It's an old bed." He laughed.
"Don't worry about it. I'm going to go get some sleep." He replied.
"G'night." I answered him. There was a slight hesitation between us. We were suddenly very aware of the other in the room, as the shadow of our previous actions floated back into our memories, and we realised how our usual methods of saying goodnight could be misconstrued by the other. Seemingly in unison, we both resolved to pretend it never happened and we hugged each other as we would have done any other night. And with a soft 'goodnight' and a flicker of a smile, he left. And I watched him walk out already missing his presence in my arms.
I couldn't ignore what we had been about to do though. I knew I had feelings for you before, but I couldn't let go of what I had seen in my momentary clarity. This was no longer some kind of crush or infatuation. I was in love with you. I am in love with you. I don't believe in soul mates, but I believe you are the closest thing to it. Somehow everything has a path, a meaning, now that you're here. My life has a reason, some semblance of direction. I've never been in love before and I never respected how truly powerful it could be, but now that I'm in love with you, I get it. It makes perfect sense that people yearn for it, thrive on it, would die for it…It all makes sense because I yearn for you, I thrive on you and I would die for you. This is real love.
I've heard people make dramatic proclamations about love, claiming that they'll love the other until the day they die. I refuse to make such a statement. The future is never certain. I don't know if I'm going to wake up tomorrow and still be in love with you, all I know is that I want to. I want to spend the rest of my life with you, and I know that there's a chance that I won't. My love for you could fade away completely. But there's also the chance I could be with you for ten, twenty, one hundred more years. In fact, it's not impossible to imagine loving you until the day I die, and the day after that and the day after that still. But to tell you this would be meaningless, because I might not. All that matters is that I love you now, and I want to be with you as long as I can. I love you there's no other way of saying it. I love you.
I don't know when this truly began and I can't imagine it ending but I feel it and it's real and it's raw. It makes me feel vulnerable and afraid and invincible and brave all at once. All I want is you, you're all that I see and you're all that I need. You make me feel like nothing ever has before. You're everything. And I've seen you at your worst, I've seen you with other people, I've seen you at your weakest point and I still can't help wanting more of you. I want you by side, physically or mentally for as long as you'll have me. You build me up and make me stronger than I've ever been. You move me simply by being you and if this isn't meant to be, then nothing is.
And now we're stuck in a stalemate. I'm standing here with you and I can't help it but I'm falling even more in love with you. And we're both waiting for the other to take the next step and turn all we knew previously upside down. It's been weeks since that moment when it all came together and I know if I don't act now, we could lose this forever. I'm hanging by a moment here with you.
That's why I'm going to dive straight into this with you. I'm going to be strong and act. I don't know how you're going to react but I'll be damned if I'm going to let this moment pass me by. I know whatever I say next is going to define the rest of our lives and I'm terrified and exhilarated. I look at you and you look at me. The moment's come and it's about to slip us by, if I don't say it.
"Shuuhei, I love you." I did it. You stare at me. A smile and a slight sigh of relief. I hold my breath, hanging on the silence spreading between us. You laugh and launch yourself at me.
"I'm so glad you finally said something." You murmur to me before looking me straight in the eyes. "I love you too." A shared glance and a kiss. Our lips caressing and moving across each other. Gently. Lovingly. The kiss breaks along with the invisible wall standing between us, separated by nothing more than air, the moment burns out, a million more rising from its ashes.